Came up with this while at the store today and decided to write something humorous for a change. Here, have this mini one shot!

This is set when Shizuo is struggling to hold jobs before becoming a bartender.

…~-~…

The smile on his face was wide and friendly as he placed the two items on the table at the register. He had to hold back his laughter when he pinpointed the exact moment when the young female cashier made the connection between the two items she was seeing.

Izaya almost had to bite his lip when she averted her gaze, not once looking him in the eye as hands which trembled slightly for a moment reached out to scan the items on the table. She stuttered when she said his total, and again refused to meet his gaze when he handed her the money.

"Ha-have a nice day," She said quickly in a sheepish voice. Her shoulders were tense and she was already looking to the next customer—perhaps searching for validation for her reaction from someone who had witnessed the scene.

"Thank you!" Izaya replied, picking up the bag.

When he exited the store, he ran around a corner and into a side alley where he burst out laughing. Holding the bag out in front of him, Izaya continued laughing about how two items could make one person so flustered.

A box of condoms and a cucumber. These were the items Izaya had placed onto the register table with a smile. It had started as a thought—a way to observe the reactions of a target of his choice. He wasn't disappointed by her reaction which made him eager to try this experiment again with another target.

Giggling all the way home Izaya decided spending the extra money was worth the entertainment value. Besides, he could still eat the cucumber, so it wasn't a waste. As he walked, he considered which store he should visit next.

…~-~…

Izaya hastily found the items that would lead to the next round of this harmless game. There were quite a few registers in this market which gave him almost too many options. Should he try another young girl? No… Best to try another type of person… The old man? The middle age woman who looked like she could be his mother? The elderly woman who seemed to be struggling to open up a plastic bag?

No… No… No…

Izaya paused when he saw the last register. Blond hair shone like a beacon making Izaya wonder how he hadn't noticed. Standing behind a register was none other than Heiwajima Shizuo.

Sensing the opportunity he had, Izaya made one last stop for one more item before getting into line, standing so that Shizuo couldn't see his face.

He could see the tension in Shizuo's body before he even stepped up to the register as if he could sense his presence in the store. When Shizuo finally looked up and locked eyes with Izaya a flame seemed to burst in his eyes while his hands gripped the counter tightly.

"What are you doing here, fucking Flea?" he snapped, trying to keep his voice low and his rage in check.

"I can't even stop to get some groceries at the store anymore?" Izaya reasoned, "I honestly didn't know you were working here, Shizu-chan."

Although the statement was the truth, Izaya's smile made it seem like a lie. Shizuo gave him a skeptical glare before looking down and instinctively reaching out to grab the items Izaya was going to purchase.

Hands froze above the items—a box of condoms and this time a much larger cucumber than before—and Shizuo's glare darkened.

"Is this some kind of sick joke?" he mumbled, malice showing through in his voice.

Spot-on instinct as usual. I should have expected this from Shizu-chan, Izaya thought.

"My personal purchases don't concern you, Shizu-chan," Izaya said doing his best impression of being truly offended by the question he was asked.

"Fine," Shizuo growled, "Just take your shit and get out of my sight." Shizuo scanned the two items and Izaya smiled.

"Is that all?" Shizuo asked.

"Ahh, no, just one more thing!" Izaya reached down into the shopping basket and pulled out a large bottle of lube which he then slapped down onto the table.

That apparently was the straw that broke the camel's back. Sensing his life was in danger, Izaya sprinted as Shizuo tore the top off the table with a guttural scream of "IIZZZAAAAYYYAAAAAA!"

Running as fast as he could, Izaya dodged the top of the table that was thrown at him, among other objects as their fight continued into the streets of Ikebukuro.

It was all worth it, he decided when he finally escaped Shizuo's wrath. The real treat came hours later when he heard that Shizuo had been fired from his job at the grocery store immediately following his outburst.