A Crappy Situation

CRACK!

James looked up from the paper he'd been reading from atop his porcelain throne. 'What was that? It sounded like it came from the front door.'

"POTTERS!" came the cry from his living room. James recognized the voice immediately. It was the voice of the Dark Lord Voldemort. "SURRENDER THE CHILD OF THE PROPHECY, OR I SHALL KILL YOU AND TAKE HIM MYSELF!"

"Oh shit," said James, reaching for the toilet paper to clean up after himself. "Oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit oh-" The sound of spells tearing apart his house sped up his haste. He could hear Lilly shouting something. "Oh shit oh shit oh shit oh THIS IS TAKING TOO LONG!" Grabbing his wand, he pointed it at his posterior. "Scourgify- AAARG!"

Wincing in pain, James stood up, pulled up his pants, set his wand at the side of the sink, and washed his hands as quickly as possible. He then threw open the bathroom door and began limping as quickly as possible to his son's bedroom.

Pushing open the door, he spotted the Dark Lord facing his son's crib, wand raised dramatically above his head. James went for his own wand, only to realize he'd left it in the bathroom. Thinking quickly, he grabbed the nearest heavy object, a book, and threw it at Voldemort's head.

Unfortunately for the Dark Lord Voldemort, the book in question was War and Peace. "AVADA KAD-ACK!" Down went the Dark Lord, delivered unto unconsciousness via a book to the head. Quickly, James rushed back to the bathroom to retrieve his wand.

Upon returning, James found the Dark Lord struggling to his feet, though he seemed fairly disoriented. "Reducto," said James, and watched as the Dark Lord's head splattered across the room. A misty form abruptly shot out of the body and through the ceiling, but Voldemort himself continued to lie on the ground, a corpse.

"Thank God," said James, lowering his wand. "I made it in time. Lilly, I did it! I saved Harry! You can come out from wherever you're hiding now. ...Lilly?" Upon failing to hear a response, James walked over to Harry's crib, intending to check on his son. At which point he spotted his wife's corpse.

"...Aw shit."