Your favorite raunchy comedy writer is here, The Evil Stick! This short story is a spin off of Wendy's First S-Class Mission, but it is written so you don't have to read the original story first. This side story is dedicated for those who followed/favorited the original story so it's sort of like The Evil Stick's virtual bow to those who gave their support.

Love the crazy, diverse characters from Fairy Tail! Hiro Mashima owns Fairy Tail and deserves the credit for the awesome array of characters that he created!

Huge thanks to Swirls of Awesome for being beta!

Parfume of Authoritah

Members of Blue Pegasus hesitantly trickled into their grungy and dirty main hall where everyone was gathering for the mandatory meeting. Every single member was sick with the latest STD that had ravaged their guild. This time, the disease was fatal and no amount of medicine or herbs would cure or relieve the deadly symptoms. Luckily, their lives were saved by their ally, Wendy Marvell. The young sky dragon healer came to their rescue and proved to be an unwavering friend and their only means of survival.

Two days ago, the Trimens had been cursed with the STD and it spread like a fatal wild fire through the guild's entire rank within 24 hours. Needless to say, Blue Pegasus had a lot to be embarrassed about. By the time they had found out that the disease was sexually transmitted, it had already re-infected the guild members for the second time. Understandably, the ever-so-strict Titania of Fairy Tail reprimanded them about their lifestyle and demanded that they learn about practicing safe sex.

So that's why they are being forced to attend Erza's safe sex course. The one and only Laxus Dreyer stood in the middle of the room glaring at everyone with angry eyes and his muscular arms crossed over his large chest, silently daring someone to try to make up an excuse to ditch the mandatory sex-ed course. Members of Blue Pegasus were relieved to see that the scariest person from Fairy Tail, Erza Scarlet, wasn't yet in the room.

Most members were entering the room quietly and obediently until the loudest guild members marched their way into the main hall and let their presence be dramatically announced.

"All hail, parfume! All hail, parfume! All hail, parfume!" The origins of the disease, the sickly-looking Trimens pranced into the room following their beloved leader, Ichiya Vandalay Kotobuki.

Ichiya floated into the main hall by the means of his look-alike exceed, Nichiya. "Legendary… parfume!"

"All hail, legendary parfume!" Eve, Ren, and Hibiki struck a pose behind Ichiya.

*ZAP* A lightning bolt came up from the ground to electrocute all of the Trimen.

"Men…" Ichiya and his followers twitched on the ground in pain.

Laxus loomed over them with an annoyed expression, "Shut up. Take your seats. I want this leper circus to be over with already."

The lightning mage walked away with his fur coat flowing gracefully behind him. The leader of his personal bodyguard team, Freed Justine, followed him raving, "Only Laxus could gain control of the entire room with just one strategic move."

Hibiki, Eve, and Ren watched with sad faces as Natsu Dragneel started dragging out the last of the bar stools to incinerate. "Hey! Where are we supposed to sit?"

Natsu shrugged, "Erza told me to destroy everything that smells like blood, urine, vomit or any other type of bodily fluids. I don't know what that means so I'm going to burn whatever I want!" He flashed his fangs in pure joy and continued to drag various items outside to incinerate.

Lucy Heartfilia approached the bruised and diseased Trimens that were still sitting on the floor, "Aries is making cushions with her wool, would you guys like a cushion to sit on?"

Hibiki quickly stood and put his arm around Aries's waist, "Hey, you're Karen's former spirit! Do you remember me? Would you like to come to my room when this meeting is over with?"

Ren went up behind Aries and started rubbing her shoulders, "How do you keep your wool so soft and fluffy?"

Eve knelt in front of Aries, taking her hand in his, "You can call me 'little brother' if you want."

Aries blushed, "I'm sorry. I'm not that kind of spirit."

"LUCY KICK! STAY AWAY FROM MY SPIRITS!"

"I'm sorry!" Aries apologized to the three men who were sprawled out on the floor again.

Lucy sighed, "Don't apologize, Aries. Let's just keep making seat cushions for the meeting."

Levy and Carla came into the main hall carrying a sore-ridden Jenny Realight to a cushion and placed her on it.

Jenny snarled, "Don't mess up my hair."

"Hmph!" Carla turned her nose up at Jenny, "If you had the strength this morning to wash and curl you hair then you should have been able to walk here yourself."

Jenny pulled out a mirror and examined her hair, "Oh, you're a cat. What do you know?"

Levi rolled her eyes at the Blue Pegasus cover model, "Your hair is flawless, but it doesn't hide the sores on your face."

Jenny glowered at the small script mage, "Speaking of oozing sores, where is Mira?" She looked around for her pin-up rival.

Levy narrowed her eyes at Jenny with suspicion as she thought to herself, 'Jenny was in her room alone this morning, how would she know that Mira was infected with the disease?'

Gajeel and Pantherlily helped Bickslow over to a cushion that Aries just made and dropped him on it like a sack of potatoes.

Bickslow leaned over to greet Jenny, "Hi sexy! You wanna hang out when this meeting is over?" His tongue fell out of his mouth in a wide grin.

"Hang out. Hang out. Hang out. Hang out. Hang out." His babies bobbed in the air behind him.

Jenny giggled seductively while scratching at her open sores, "Only if your girlfriend doesn't mind."

"I hate this fucking job." Gajeel growled out before him and Pantherlily went to collect more disease-ridden mages.

Carla crossed her small arms over her chest, "I didn't know you had a girlfriend, Bickslow."

Freed and Laxus came back to see what all the commotion was about. Freed the Dark stood tall with confidence, "Bickslow doesn't have a girlfriend. If he did, then surely the Thunder God Tribe and Laxus would know about it."

Bickslow face palmed at Freed's bad timing. His babies tried to hide behind him. "Uh-oh. Uh-oh. Oh no. Oh no. Busted."

"WHAT?!" Jenny screeched, "YOU SAID MIRA WAS YOUR GIRLFRIEND! YOU MEAN I'VE BEEN SLEEPING WITH YOUR CREEPY ASS FOR NOTHING?!"

Bickslow just gave her another tongueful grin and nodded his head proudly.

~silence~ Everyone stared incredulously at Jenny.

Laxus broke the silence. "You've only been sleeping with him because you thought he was dating Mira?"

Lucy put her hands on her hips, "That's not very nice. We all came to Blue Pegasus to save your guild. The only person being paid to work is Wendy and the rest of us came here as support, Mira included. So you should be a little more respectful to her."

"Rahahaha!" Bickslow taunted along with his babies while pointing at Mira's rival. "That's what you get for being such a vengeful bitch!"

*BOOM* A lightning bolt came down from the ceiling and struck the laughing seith mage and his five possessed dolls.

"Tch." Laxus' expression remained bored, "I'm so tired of his crap."

Before anyone could blink, Jenny was hanging on Laxus' arm and rubbing her sore-ridden breasts on his forearm. "I just love a man who defends a woman's honor," she purred.

Freed's eyes bugged out of his head, "KEEP YOUR DISEASED HANDS OFF OF LAXUS!"

*ZAP* Lightning traveled down Laxus' arm and ruthlessly zapped Fiore's most top model.

Laxus narrowed his eyes at the woman. "You smell like 20 men plus Bickslow so don't touch me again. And if you do anything to upset Mira or anyone else in Fairy Tail then I will fry you so hard that you will have a bad hair day for the rest of your life."

Laxus turned and walked away. Freed gave Jenny a smug look before he followed.

Jenny pulled out a mirror and saw that her hair was standing on end and frizzed beyond reason. Tears welled up in her beautiful eyes, "Look at what that bitch Mira did to me! I know that she was planning this all along!"

She dropped the mirror and started bawling her eyes out, making her mascara run down her bruised and sore-ridden cheeks. She got up and ran crying to Ichiya and his Trimen.

Lucy pulled out Cancer's key, ready to help Jenny, but Levi stopped her and shook her head.

Carla put her nose in the air again, "That woman is the most scandalous I've ever met."

Bickslow gathered his shocked babies in his arms, "Speaking of scandalous, Carla, I heard that you slept with Nichiya last night."

Levy and Lucy giggled behind their hands.

*THUMP* Happy fainted mid-air and flopped onto the ground.

Carla stomped her tiny foot on the floor, "I would never! It was that hooligan councilmember, Doranbolt! He teleported me into Ichiya's room in the middle of the night while I was sleeping!"

Bickslow rubbed all of the ash off of his dolls with his sleeves, "Sure he did… you don't have to be shy about it."

Lucy blinked in surprise, "Why would Doranbolt do that?"

"Well, obviously he did it to be alone with Wendy so he could put the moves on her. I wouldn't be surprised if it's all because she gallivants around in that Jiggle Butt Gang uniform. An inappropriate outfit like that just invites all the perverts." Carla put her hands on her hips and eyed them as if they were naïve children.

Levy put her hand on the exceed's shoulder, "Carla, let's just go get more Blue Pegasus members and bring them to the meeting."

Carla sighed. She knew she wasn't going to get anywhere with her explanation so she followed Levy. On her way back to the dormitory, she whispered to the iron dragon, "Gajeel, I overheard Natsu saying that he could beat you without using his magic."

"WHAT?! I'LL KICK SALAMANDER'S ASS!" Gajeel used his iron fist to throw a long distance punch across the room at Natsu, who happened to bend over to pick up Happy at the exact moment the iron bar sailed over his head.

*SLAM* The iron fist struck Doranbolt's face and slammed him into the brick wall.

Carla smiled darkly to herself, not caring that Gajeel was currently being electrocuted by Laxus for striking the councilmember who oversaw the success of their mission.

"What's so funny, Carla?" Levy asked.

"Oh, nothing." Carla floated out of the main hall, proud of herself. Her powers of premonition have developed nicely since returning from Edolas and she was going to continue to exercise them on Doranbolt.

Pantherlily growled at Gajeel as he propped up Gray by himself. "What the hell are you doing, Gajeel? Don't get sidetracked!"

Gajeel grumbled something about Salamander and went back to helping Lily take the bandaged up ice mage to his seat.

Lucy gasped when she saw how bruised and injured her teammate was. She fluffed some of Aries' wool so her bruised up teammate could recline, "Gray, how did you catch the STD? I thought I saw you working all day yesterday. It's not like you to run off during a mission."

Gray groaned as Lily and Gajeel lowered him into his reclined seat. "I swear, Lucy, I didn't sleep with anyone. Do you really think I'm that dumb?"

The celestial mage smiled, "No, I didn't think that sounded like you at all. The same thing happened to Mira, she got sick even though she didn't have sex with anyone."

Gray gave a pained smile to his loyal friend, "Thanks, I'm glad you believe me."

Lucy frowned, "But you should at least get healed by Wendy before the disease makes your symptoms progress. We're gonna need you on temperature control again."

Gray reflected her frown, "Wendy already healed me."

"Gihi." Gajeel flashed his teeth for an amused grin. "Titania kicked his ass after Wendy healed him. She wouldn't listen to him when he said that he didn't have any relations with anyone."

Bickslow interjected, "Yup! She did the same to me too, but at least I deserved it."

Carla and Levi brought in another female member of Blue Pegasus and sat her down on a cushion. Bickslow immediately leaned over towards the girl and introduced himself while his babies acted as his personal wingman group.

"BICKSLOW!" Everyone stiffened as Erza came stomping into the room. "No more flirting with the ladies! Class will start soon!"

Mira followed Erza into the room while looking over the clipboard that she held. "Professor Erza, it appears that everyone is now present in the main hall." She smiled sweetly at the scarlet haired mage.

"Excellent work, Assistant Mira." She gave an affirming nod to her former rival and scanned the room for her personal rune mage. "Freed, seal off the main hall."

As soon as the command left Erza's mouth, ancient purple texts snaked their way around the main hall. The members of Blue Pegasus grew nervous at the purple walls that spout up from the boundaries and completely enclosed around them.

Master Bob placed a delicate hand on his chest, "Oh my, Fairy Tail is serious about this…"

Freed stood in the front of the room and unsheathed his sword. His expression was dark and serious as he slowly raised his sword to be parallel with the floor. One eye was dark purple as he spoke, "I decree as law that no single soul may leave this room until they fully comprehend the message that Professor Erza will convey for the duration of this course. Those who break the rules shall be subjected to a fate worse than death."

Eve read the runes carefully, "Excuse me, these rules don't allow for anyone to use the bathroom."

Hibiki tapped on his magic keyboard, "My archive can rewrite the runes to allow bathroom breaks."

Laxus cleared his throat before speaking, "I would also like to inform everyone present that if someone somehow manages to rewrite Freed's runes, my Thunder Palace will activate to keep people from escaping the course."

Members of Fairy Tail cringed at Laxus' announcement while members of Blue Pegasus curiously looked to each other, wondering what he meant by Thunder Palace and its significance. A few of the Trimens silently wondered if there were women in this said palace.

Mira giggled, "You really are serious about this, aren't you Laxus?"

"Dead serious," Laxus stated with a bored expression but his firm tone left no room for debate.

The atmosphere of the room grew heavy as everyone present realized that their lives would be in danger if they disobeyed the rules during the sex-ed class. Hibiki quietly powered down his archive magic and Eve backed away from the runes.

"LAXUS! FIGHT ME!" One pink haired dragon slayer has zero social intelligence.

Jenny's shapely hips swayed as she approached Freed, "You can let me out of here if you want. Better yet, we can leave together." The blond bombshell winked at him and parted the slit of her dress to expose more of her toned thigh.

Freed completely lost his composure and turned red, "I - I won't betray Laxus-"

*BOOM* *BOOM* Two lightning bolts came from Laxus' body and instantly paralyzed both Natsu and Jenny.

"Enough of this bullshit. Erza, the sooner we start, the sooner we can leave." Laxus took a seat next to Bickslow and Freed followed suit.

The scarlet haired mage requipped into her most professional business attire, "Very well, the mandatory sex-ed course begins now!"

Review and vote in The Evil Poll! Results are in for the first poll and readers of Wendy's First S-Class Mission decided that The Evil Stick will "just maim beyond all recognition." (*sniff* You guys are so awesome!) Go to The Evil Stick's profile page and vote in the new poll to decide which Blue Pegasus member will be maimed beyond all recognition.

First poll results:

Do you think that The Evil Stick should kill off a Blue Pegasus character in Wendy's First S-Class Mission?

25% Just maim beyond all recognition.

18% Maybe, it depends on the character…

18% WTF is wrong with The Evil Stick? Is 'It' mentally challenged or something? (Also, yes please kill someone)

18% Overly dramatic "NOOOOOOO!"

12% Definitely!

6% Please don't kill anyone.