Xanxus' Adventures in Parenthood Piracy by InsaneScriptist

Beta'd by the respectful Umei no Mai

Summary: Xanxus could only blame the damn scientists for stranding him in an alternate dimension. However Xanxus could only blame himself for allowing that woman to foist her child onto him. Drabble fic.

Payment

"Oh, that looks good." Marco commented on Xanxus' food. "Did you get that in fresh Merle?"

"Yes, but you can't charm me into changing your order now." The waitress -Merle- smiled as she said this. It made her look younger; not that she looked that old, but there was a sense of relief after months of high-stress that Xanxus was picking up on. Business clearly wasn't the best, but Xanxus wasn't exactly sure why. This side of Sabaody mostly had traffic of the pirate and merchant variety; pirates wanting to go down to Fishman and merchants maybe doing the same if they couldn't get in through the official channel. "Myrtille already has it cooking, dear."

Xanxus decided that he didn't want to hear any flirting. He hadn't intended to buy anything other than food but if someone insisted on being friendly then Xanxus would need alcohol.

"Something strong. Gimme a bottle and a glass, would ya?" Xanxus asked, holding out enough money to buy the bottle and then some.

"Not going to share?" She asked.

"If I did that, I'd never get rid of him. Might be worse than buying him a meal." He informed her, with a lazy certainty. The assassin watched as the pirate registered what he said. That was a fun expression.

"Wine's just fine right?"

"A white's preferred." Xanxus confirmed. He normally preferred a red, but not with fish. "I'll take red if you don't have a good white. Nothing sweet though. This guy's making me want whiskey as it is, so that too."

"Both will be out in a sec, sweetheart." Merle told him.

Xanxus rolled his eyes at the pet name as he took a bite. It was good.

Sweetheart

"Yoi, that's a bit much for just alcohol."

Xanxus shrugged.

Honestly by this point, Xanxus figured that the pirate had gotten the hint; he was just ignoring it. Friendly people could go jump off a cliff and drown, cursed fruit or not. He didn't truly know if those who had eaten a 'Devil Fruit' really did sink like 'hammers' but Marco was welcome to prove it to him. Xanxus would be happy to watch.

Then Merle was back with the wine bottle -a little dust on the bottle but that was fine- and Marco's own plate. Lots of sliced peppers, the scent of citrus, rice and shrimp; a stir fry in other words. Then she returned with whiskey, a shot glass and his change. Xanxus waved off the change, getting a smile.

"Now, now, Marco. Let the man eat in peace. I'll get your rum out to you in a bit, so leave sweetheart alone."

"Nothing's wrong with curiosity, Merle." The blond remarked.

"Right up until sweetheart decides to punch you for prying, dear. Then the fight would demolish mine and Myrtille's bar. Business is bad enough now that they all went off to be pirates if they haven't been attacked or got into other types of trouble in the New World. Business just wouldn't be possible if we didn't have a place for it." She scolded the pirate.

"Rude to bust up a lady's business. Best to take it outside." Xanxus interjected, playing off of Merle's lead. He didn't often get help driving people crazy, but he knew how to twist things when he did.

"See, Marco? Sweetheart really is a gentleman." The waitress and possibly part-owner replied.

Marco clearly didn't believe Merle. Xanxus was fine with this, he hadn't had anyone to truly torment like this in ages.

Squalette and the Varia didn't count. They were his subordinates, so there were limits that Xanxus observed however few they actually were. Marco had no such safety nets.

Protection

If Xanxus said anything like, 'so you and your crew heading to Fishman Island' he knew that Marco would latch onto it and never leave until his curiosity was satisfied. So Xanxus didn't; besides it was obvious that Marco and Whitebeard would have a significant claim on this side of Sabaody.

They would need a way down to Fishman Island. Sabaody had the resin trees and coaters, so they'd need Sabaody too, or at least its products and people; Xanxus didn't understand how the physics behind ship-coating worked but it clearly did its job and was a reliable method. The best way to make sure they had access to both the resin and the ship-coaters was to protect both.

Hence, this side of Sabaody had been put under Whitebeard's protection too, as they needed to protect they way to reach Fishman Island. They needed a way to get down there and protect Fishman or else the protection was worthless the second someone decided to act up and wasn't smacked down hard for it. Faith and reputation were fragile things when it came to protection.

Then there was payment for the protection service. Sabaody's was obvious; free coating for Whitebeard's ships. Fishman and the others were less so.

The Whitebeard Pirates weren't racketeering; charging protection fees that would keep them from 'attacking' Fishman and other territories. That wasn't what they were doing. They were protecting even if they weren't always there.

In short, they were using Whitebeard's reputation to protect his territories. Pirates would clearly be intimidated into not causing trouble if they knew that Whitebeard and his crew would hunt them down for causing trouble on one of 'his' islands. Unless they were willing to fight Whitebeard or were just fucking stupid they wouldn't start shit; the truly fucking stupid would likely be killed by sailing on this side of the Grand Line anyway.

Because the Whitebeard Pirates were putting islands under Whitebeard's protection they were also limiting their targets on the ocean; merchant ships from certain islands wouldn't and couldn't be attacked or else they'd hurt the island they were protecting. That would be counterproductive.

Xanxus wouldn't be surprised if Whitebeard hadn't been fighting more pirates and making some of them his allies or subordinates or whatever. Whitebeard and his crew couldn't be everywhere but having allies would make continued protection much easier considering the distances between islands and how hard it would be to get there. Plus, the faster attackers were smashed by Whitebeard and his allies, the more Whitebeard's reputation as a 'protector' would be established until it was 'fact.' Then no one would want to act against him, even the marines would be wary of him and not just his personal power. Reputation was so useful when it was a 'favorable' reputation to have.

It wasn't done for free, nor was it done by a government. If fact the protecting was done by known and infamous pirates; in other words criminals who were manipulating things in their favor.

Hello, organized crime.

Xanxus finished his fish and the rest of his food, then he opened the whiskey. He poured himself a shot and downed it. Not bad, not bad at all. He poured another shot and decided to nurse it. Merle appeared with Marco's rum and then disappeared into the kitchen.

Now, he might be willing to chat, except he wasn't Sansetto who would be 'nice' about it. What sort of conversation starter should he use?

How best to tie a bird brain into knots?

Practicalities

First, Marco was in Xanxus' opinion offensively friendly. An assault of friendliness and curiosity with enough intellect and experience to be smart about it too. Second, Marco had to have picked him up using haki. The annoying thing about presence concealment was that you couldn't really interact with people while using it; they didn't register that you were there, even if they could see you. So that meant that Marco had sensed and sought him out the moment Xanxus decided to get a meal. Third, he had to work with what Marco already 'knew' or guessed based on his appearance, mannerisms and more.

So... Marco had to be confused about what and who Xanxus was. He didn't even have Xanxus' name. Chances were that Marco was leaning towards ex-military, but not ex-marine. The Varia could be considered para-military, but being an organization of assassins it really wasn't even if they did get a number of ex-military joining. The only sign of possible military involvement was his Varia-style jacket with the command braids and the badge; the Varia had picked up a few things from various ex-military members but it really depended on the year and a member's personal preference if it made it to the uniform; modifications could be made to the uniform and many of the Varia either did so themselves or paid someone to do it for them.

Everything else that Marco could pick up, Xanxus knew were mixed signals. That was something Xanxus excelled at sending; it was something he intentionally did.

From experience and knowledge of psychology Xanxus knew that Marco was thinking things about him like: He spoke slangy but dressed well. He was in an out of the way place for food that he ate with good manners and overpaid for the alcohol without a care. He spoke tersely with me, but just fine with Merle. Also what were the feathers for?

Other things that Marco might be considering: Where did he come from? What skills does he have? Is he a threat to Merle/the place/the crew/me? Bounty hunter? Mercenary? What does he know? How did he get here? Has he eaten a Devil Fruit? What do the feathers mean?

One of the reasons that Xanxus liked his feathers so much, especially his brighter feathers, was not just their meanings but how distracting they were. Bright colors drew attention and kept it, subconsciously or not. Feathers ate up brain processing power like that. It was even worse if Xanxus was wearing a raccoon tail or two because that was even more incomprehensible.

That meant the best way to catch Marco off guard -other than initiating a conversation- would be business. Very practical business for a curious pirate, who if Xanxus was reading him correctly was Whitebeard's 'right hand.'

"How's the transition from piracy to organized crime working for the Whitebeard Pirates?"

Marco choked on his rum.

Score. Point for Xanxus on the mental chalkboard.

Perspective

After clearing out his throat Marco reacted. It was utterly predictable. "Now you're talking?"

"Food is fine with conversation, but a meal is to be savored. How can you enjoy the taste if you're busy talking?"

Xanxus was sure there was a twitch, or at least the intention to twitch quickly suppressed; haki gave conversations odd echoes at times. Xanxus cocked an eyebrow.

"Your protection isn't free. It is a service provided by criminals for the benefit of their territory..." Xanxus gave as bland a smile as he could; meaning he looked a little patronizing but there were no teeth or that terrible glee that had made grown men quiver in fear if they didn't embarrass themselves further. "Unless you mean to usurp the marines and World Government in the protection game. Make yourself legal." He downed the last of his shot glass. "It's called taxes then."

"But, we're pirates." It was almost plaintive.

Xanxus noted that Marco was still reacting. How utterly plebeian. Here, Xanxus had suspected that Marco might have been more of a thinker; the assassin was vaguely disappointed in the pirate. He might be strong but that didn't mean he knew how to use every scrap of it to destroy any limitations he faced beyond the physical.

Then again, it's not like Marco was a trained negotiator in the mafia, or a Boss. He wasn't trained to pick up and use these sort of tricks. He didn't know how to control a conversation like Xanxus did either. That didn't mean Xanxus would be any less merciless though.

"Wait..." Marco eyed him with a gimlet gaze. "You have a terrible sense of humor, yoi." He chuckled for a moment before actually laughing. "Oh, that's terrible. It's been so long since I've got anything but bird jokes out of people that... well, I was not expecting that."

Now, that was an interesting verbal parry. Truthful yes, but Marco was still watchful.

This could be fun, and possibly a little violent.

Well, Xanxus had been looking for some action and a spar to see how he actually measures up to this world's inhabitants would be just the thing. He'd just have to remember to take it outside, so the eatery would still be here next time. Good food, was good food.

Oh, look. Names for OCs that I have no idea if they'll ever appear again. Still giving an OC a name is pretty much the same as giving them a soul.

Myrtille means blueberry because she's a cook. Merle is blackbird. Both are French according to the dictionary I'm using. Also, Merle's fearless as you can see.

And instead of my usual writing music, Marco demanded Gwen Stefani, then Cold Play and a lot of other people I don't normally listen to while writing.