Sorry guys that it took me so long! But I have kind of lost inspiration for the story and I had a barrier for some time. I hope you like the new chapter! Thank you for following, favoriting and reviewing this story :)

Chapter 7: Secrets are mine to keep

Emma:

I was lying in my bed that was way too big for someone who was sleeping in it alone. I did not know why I chose it because it always reminded me of what I left behind, what I have lost. I was starring at the ceiling, not knowing what else I could do in here. It was the most useless room on board since I have not slept for a year, ever since they took IT from me.

I knew Killian was condemning me for killing those men and deep down everything in me was screaming at me for murdering them brutally without thinking. But my conscience has been silent for years, there was only a whisper of it left in me, that reminded me now and again, that my actions were wrong, that I became the monster I feared to get. A beast without a heart, without compassion, just a slaughtering machine that destroyed everything standing in it's way. An animal that was hungry for blood.

Every time I committed a crime (at least, something that was defined as a crime in my head from my past) a part of me, that was still untouched by the darkness was rebelling. I had phantom limbs of my heart convulsing or beating faster, although that hole in me has been empty for a long time. Luckily this part was very small and not very strong, so it never took control. It was not always this weak, but for a year I could barely feel this part of me. And the odd thing was, I kind of missed it. I felt so numb without it. Must be because of associating it with IT. The box. I had to get IT back.

I could not care less about what Killian was thinking of me. The only thing that mattered, was getting IT back. I could not explain it to him, at least not now since I could not foresee his reaction to it. I did not like anything that I could not control and I feared his anger. Once rage overtook him, he was total chaos, which I knew from past events and of legends of him.

The fearsome pirate Captain Hook. I needed more of him and less of Killian if I ever wanted to see IT again. Did he forget that he had been as ruthless as I was now? Killing was not a foreign word to him, he murdered many people too. It angered me to see him condemning me of sins he had committed as well. Didn't he realize that sometimes there was no other choice? That sometimes people deserved their fate?

He was blinded by assuming only the good in people, just like I used to. But this men I killed today, they had deserved to die. Every single one of them was a sinner on his own, be it thieves who stole from the poorest, rapists that did not care whether their victim was a woman or a child or incendiaries that burned down whole villages because they could not stand anyone being richer than them. They were selfish, spoiled and barbarous. That is why they were cursed with that illness from some magician that has been their judge. I never intended to help them, my cure had been poison, killing them within seconds since they only asked for a way to stop their symptoms and nothing was as efficient with delaying the progress of an illness as death. People had to be more careful what they wished for. Such a shame I killed them anyway, I had loved to see their look when they drank the poison and realizing that it was their downfall.

I got up again since I could no longer stand this room. I walked into my huge bath-/dressing-room. I sat in front of my mirror that was enchanted, it showed you anything you wanted to see expect from IT since I had cast a protecting spell over it when it still was in my possession, when I still called IT my own. Sometimes I hated myself for doing it, but I knew if I had not, they would have found IT much sooner.

The mirror showed me Killian leaning over the railing, watching the ocean, although he could not see much since it was the midst of the night. I could see him clearly. He now wore his leather clothes again that he did not wear since long before we all came back into the Enchanted Forest. I always found him appealing in them but he looked good in everything. And he was still as handsome as ever. The traces of age looked good on him. It was true that men got more attractive with age, at least it was true for Killian.

I never found another lover that was as good-looking as him but more important I never found a man that was such an extraordinary lover like him. That is why I had stopped having sex with men at all. No one could compete with over 300 years of experience, Killian's list contained uncountable pleased women, including me. It was such a shame that he did not seem to be interested in reviving our sexual relationship. I had often fantasized about him, having his way with me.

But I should not be worrying about such things when I knew I would never be happy without IT. I just hoped they have not figured out how IT worked. It took me long enough to construct IT, many spells were needed, many men were assigned to build pieces of IT, so that no one knew the exact components of it and how they worked together. It took me almost too long to finish it, it had been rather urgent. Nonetheless, they had it now for a year, surely I had not much time left, maybe it was even too late now. I would and could never forgive myself!

If I wanted to find it, Killian and I had to work together, once he understood the importance of the content of the box, he had to be on my side and not like now, plotting against me. I knew that he did not trust me and that he still searched for a way to urgh! save me, I could see it in his eyes, the way his eyes lingered on me when he thought I was not looking. He still wanted to find the old Emma, but she was gone. Once he accepts that, we will get along quite nicely.

I knew what was inside the box, but my memories about the time it was in my possession was foggy, I seemed to have put a spell on me too. Maybe I thought this memories were too dangerous or that with them I would never achieve getting IT back. Maybe that was also the reason why the traces of good in me shut up as well. Every cell in my body wanted to get the box in my hands again, no matter the cost.

I needed to bring Killian on my side. But how? His trust in me seemed to be shattered beyond repair. I looked back into the mirror, seeing my flawless face. The eyes in the reflection of the mirror turned dark with black veins protruding prominently under her eyes. It looked like a vampire from one of this teenage series back in the modern world. My reflection was grinning at me and the other Emma, the dark Emma that had haunted me the first months of my existence as dark one until I let go of my emotions and embraced the darkness, was beginning to talk.

„Hello, dear, did you miss me? Some time, no talk. I rather grew impatient, being locked behind the wall of yours." „I have not needed your advice in a long time." „I noticed", she hissed like a snake. „So, how can I help you?" „You know what I want, you are a part of me." „I am the part you locked away for all those years since we got here in the Enchanted Forest." „Don't hold a grudge against me. I have been busy." „You enchanted our mind, so that I can not remember. You want to protect IT from me. Since you were able to overhear me, to ignore me, you have not been at your darkest. Whatever you hide in that box of yours, that is making you weak, you better get rid of it, destroy it, that is my advice."

„I can handle that topic on my own, I need your consult on something quite different." „It's about that pirate of your's, isn't it? How did he find you? You swore to me, you would never see him again. That was the deal for me keeping him alive. I knew we should have killed him or left him there to rot in Storybrooke." „Plans changed. He is of value to us. You may not remember what is in the box, but I do." „Then tell me, Emma, you know you can trust me." „Do you think I am foolish? You hurt Henry." „It was to show you, who you really are! That your family fears you and does not understand you." „I have learned my lesson, believe me."

„So what do you want from me then, dear Emma?" „I need him on my side, but thanks to you, he does not trust me." She now was laughing an inhumanly, deafening chuckle. „You are asking me about how to seduce him? Aren't you the fucking whore under us?" „Watch your language or you'll be put behind the wall in no time. And that is not what I meant. I need him to believe in me again." „Well, then show him what he truly wishes for." „And what would that be?" „You, of course. Well, rather this other version of you that he so carves for to regain. The woman he fell in love with, the woman he married."

„But this person I am no longer." „Darling, you and I both know you can be quite the actress. Just play his game, show him how human you can be, that he still has something to hope for." „But I don't want to give him a false impression." „Since when did you become to care again? You have banned me for too long, dearie." I could not answer anything to that because I was just as surprised as she was. Had I begun caring for him again? Why was it important for me to not lie to him?

„I have to admit, Emma, the last years I really missed Rumpelstiltskin", as she said that my reflection turned into Gold's self but rather like his dark one form here in the Enchanted Forest. „He was so much easier to manipulate and boy, that guy longed for power. He always chose him and me over anything else. Not even his feelings for that innocent girl got in the way. He would have killed Killian, if you had not stopped him, he would have absorbed your magic without blinking once. But he was so weak on the inside. You on the other hand have so much potential, so much magic of your own. You could rule the whole dynasty, this world as well as the world you fled."

„Too bad he is gone and I have you under control." Suddenly, she turned into Gold as he looked on the day he attacked Killian. „Not the day he attacked Killian, the day you killed him." Blood was beginning to run out of his eyes, his nose. I could no longer look at the mirror, because something was nagging at me in the inside of my brain. „I only want to warn you, Emma, that when you find the box, it will be your downfall. It's when I will put you behind this wall and you can scream and cry as long as you want but no one will hear you. Because on that day you will be confronted with all the crimes you have committed and you will become those whimpering girl again, that was praying for her salvation, for her death. When guilt once more will overcome you …. THEN I WILL TAKE OVER." The mirror smashed into thousands of little pieces, cutting my skin, but the scratches healed instantly, only leaving the dried blood on my face. I was not afraid of the voices anymore, they had always threatened me, so it was no surprise to me that they went all drama-queen again.

I had always hated those voices in my head, I did not even know why I had asked them anyway. Maybe to confirm what I really should not do: trying to be someone I was no longer. I had to show him that I was not the villain he thought me to be. I had to proof him wrong.

—

Killian:

It was a calm night, the ocean seemed to be unmoving. Starlight was brightening the dark night, the moon was reflected on the surface of the ocean. There were not many nights like this. Most of the time, the ocean was unsettled like Triton was still searching for his lost daughter. The daughter he loved the most, the daughter that was unlike all the others. The daughter he wished the best the world had to offer and yet, she was the daughter he could not save in the end. I always imagined the waves of the oceans creating foam being her - the mermaid that turned into a human for love and would rather die than to kill the man she loved. In the end she lost her life but gained a soul. The tale of the little mermaid always made me sad.

I took a sip of rum, I could feel its heat traveling down my esophagitis. It was burning all the way down. I had always enjoyed a good rum, the taste of it exploding in my mouth. It had been my salvation after Liam's death, granting me a few hours without thinking of him, without condemning me for his death. It was my elixir after Milah was murdered, finding my will for life for a short amount of time. It was the cure to all the sins I have committed since the rum convinced me it was the right decision. But after I thought Emma was dead, it was different. I despised the rum since it worked no more. My memories would intensify after a few shots of rum. She was always haunting me, I never had a break, my will for surviving was extinct. Not even the rum could change it anymore.

And now drinking that devil's brew, it only reminded me of all the times, I saw her ghost, mocking me, blood-smeared and pale as snow, with eyes shallow and without a soul. But I became addicted to the rum nonetheless since it was the only chance to see her again - even if she was a zombie most of the time.

I heard a door squeaking because of being opened. I did not turn around, I did not want to look welcoming, I was in no mood for talking. I rather spent my time with the unreal zombie-Emma than with the real monster-Emma. Every time I saw her now, felt like my heart being crushed over and over and over again. I would never be freed of those images in the woods, where she slaughtered those men. Maybe her appearance did not change from the outside, but in the inside I was sure she was rotting like I have always seen her in my drunken-daydreams. With every new crime she lost more and more of her soul, until it was gone.

Even if I found her heart, I doubted I could save her. I doubted anyone could save her. I was already giving up, I was throwing the towel. Maybe I should convince her to kill me now and here, it would be the easier way for me. Maybe the truth did not matter anyway. Could it explain everything? Could the truth really clear her of all her sins? I highly doubted that.

And even if there was a way to save her, it would never be the same again. I saw her with different eyes now although I knew that she was not responsible for it. The dark magic inside of her has destroyed her bit by bit.

Oh, how I wish I could turn back time or rather relive our past. I have never been happier than when I spent my time with her.

When I closed my eyes, I still could see her, walking towards me in that beautiful white dress, her arms linked with her father's. There were many people at our wedding but I had only eyes for her. My eyes never left hers, as she was slowly striding towards me. Her smile the most beautiful thing there ever was. She was glowing, I knew that she was as happy as I was. I felt like floating, like I was in a dream. A dream that I never wanted to wake from.

She was the woman I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. I was full of dreams and wishes for our future. Dreams that turned into the worst kinds of nightmares. Wishes that never came true, that I have lost along the way.

But I still hung on to the moment she said yes to me, the moment she became my wife, the moment she promised me her everlasting love. I still could remember her words, like our wedding has been yesterday.

„Killian Jones, I remember once how I told you I did not believe in soul mates. I will never forget your reaction. Shocked and a little hurt that I did not think we were. But as time went by, your love made me believe. Today I can tell you, YOU are my soulmate, you are my everything. You are my light, and you've shown me more love than I've ever know me better than anyone else in this world and somehow still you manage to love me. You are my best friend and my one true love. There is still a part of me today that cannot believe that I'm the one who gets to marry you.

There is no emotion for what I feel today - and every day - about you. I can't imagine my life without you. I can't imagine a New Year's Eve where you aren't there to kiss me at midnight or a sunny weekend where we don't go on some big adventure or saving Storybrooke from something evil and I don't want to have to miss you ever again.

I know you will always have my back. I am proud to take you as my husband. For all the time we have been together, there has always been the kind of mutual understanding which is only shared when there is true love. You have helped me triumph over challenges presented, encouraged my personal growth and boosted my have helped me become the person I am today,

And with your help, I will be a better person tomorrow than I was yesterday.

On this day I give you my heart,

My promise,that I will walk with you,

Hand in hand, Wherever our journey leads us,

Living, learning, loving,

Together,

Forever."

My mind guarded those words like gold, having instant recall of them whenever I needed them to comfort me, to proof to me that what we had had was true and pure. I won't lie - those words always brings me close to tears because I know what I have lost. Our future. My one true love.

But because recalling those words now, I knew that I could not give up. I had to try and if it was the last thing I did. I could not let her down. She was counting on me to bring light in her life again.

Suddenly, a noise was interrupting my thoughts. I turned around and for a short moment, I thought there she was standing in her wedding gown. The wind was blowing and the dress was floating with it. But after closing my eyes and opening them again, she wore only a plain white night gown.

And yet this vision still made my heart freeze because of the sadness and sorrow that was overwhelming me.

„Care to share your drink with me, Captain?" She was smirking at me. „I am in no mood for drinking or you. Go help yourself, you can have it all to yourself." I wanted to storm past her, I did not want to let her see my weakness. But she stopped me. „There is no fun in drinking on your own, you know that." She took the bottle from my hand and took a huge sip of it.

She leaned against the railing, watching me closely. „Don't be like this. I know I have made mistakes in my past, not coming back and all that stuff but I have had my reasons. And…" She knew I was going to interrupt her, but her gaze told me to shut up. „once you get to know the truth, I promise you, that you will understand it. The content of the box has nothing to do with gaining power or enslaving people. I won't lie, the box on itself was created with magic - light as well as dark magic - but only to ensure the safety of the content. It is the most important thing to me to get it back and you are the only one that I trust enough to help me with it."

„Why me, Emma? Why not your parents or your son? Or Ruby or Regina? All of them have powers that I can not offer you." „It needed to be you because you are the only that never gave up on me, that still had hope to one day see me again. You are the only person that held onto me, you are the only person that will understand. I truly wish that we could start over or at least forget our differences from the past for the time being."

I walked over to her and leaned against the railing a few millimeters away from her. She offered me the bottle and I took it. I drank the rum and we just sat next to each other in silence.

„So where are we heading anyway, now that the box was not in that cave?" „I know just the person who can locate it. She is the only hope I have left of ever seeing the box again." „Then what are we waiting for?" „You getting sober." I lightly bumped my elbow into her sides. „Darling, if you recall, I am a pirate. I can not operate without being drunk. It's part of my job description." „Well, then raise your glass, pirate." Another bottle appeared in her hand, our glasses touched and we both drank.

After a while it felt like no time has gone by. We were laughing and joking and I could see a part in her, that I thought has been extinct completely. She even asked me to dance with her, which turned into singing silly pirate songs and jumping on deck. She ran over deck and into the corridors of this huge, fucking ship. She was laughing and I was chasing her, just like the one fatal day that had started it all. But again it showed me that she was still there! Maybe she did not even realize it herself, but I could make her and I would.

She disappeared into a dark room, once I followed her, I was gaping. It looked like a underground hot spring. I could not even tell if we were still on the ship or if she had transported us again. Maybe I was so drunk I did not feel the effects of transporting with magic or I got used to it by now.

I was so confused by where we were that I had not noticed her absence until then. I looked around and could not catch sight of her. I walked closer to the pool of hot wetness in front of me. „Emma?" I called out but only got my echo back as answer.

Suddenly, I was pushed into the hot spring. Hot water was surrounding me. When I emerged, Emma was chuckling. „Just you wait, my friend!" I grabbed her around her hips and pulled her into the water with me. She was swimming in front of me, her smile as beautiful as ever. „Do you like it here? Isn't it a wonderful place?"

„Is this part of the ship?" „Yeah, I created it with magic." Although I despised magic more than anything, I had to admit that this was pretty cool. All of a sudden, she came to a halt and I bumped into her. Her face was inches away from mine, her breath cool against my hot skin. If she leaned a little closer, our lips would be touching. Did I really want her to kiss me? Of course, I did. I have waited years to be reunited with her.

Her eyes were locked with mine, as if she was waiting for me to make a move. But I just could not bring myself to kiss her, although I carved for her touch. I still was hurt and I still felt betrayed by her. I needed time to close this wounds. „We should better head back. I need to sleep off the alcohol or else you can forget me tomorrow." I pulled away from her and swam back. I heard her following me.

Once we both were out of the water, we stepped through the door and were back in the corridor. „Thanks for a funny evening, Killian. Hadn't had those in a while." She turned to leave, but came back to kiss me on my cheek. She smiled at me and walked away.

Where her lips had touched my skin, the skin was still tickling.

Only after a few minutes, it hit me. She had called me Killian.