For my lighthouse across the bay who helped me when I was stranded on the rocks; shone her beam and got me safely back afloat. Thank you x
"...I think it's unrealistic..."
"Ummm...you can just drop me at mine. No need to go to any...trouble."
Kate glanced over at Lawrence in the passenger seat beside her as she stopped at the traffic lights and said calmly, "There's nobody at yours though, is there?"
"I'm not a kid." He turned to look at her and his eyes flashed angrily.
"No, you're not." Her words were quiet and thoughtful. "But you're not an adult yet...and without being able to speak to either your mum...or your dad, I'd feel better if you just spent the night at mine."
Lawrence scowled and slumped down in his seat. The lights changed to green and Kate pulled away from the junction. She idly wondered if Caroline had been like this as a teenager. She sighed inwardly and concluded she probably had.
As Kate locked the door behind them at the cottage and turned to Lawrence his tummy growled loudly. She laughed. "I was going to ask if you wanted something to eat but it seems your stomach has already given its answer."
Lawrence looked a little embarrassed and mumbled, "It's ok...I had something...earlier."
Kate smiled. "Well I'm sure you could manage a sandwich at least." Lawrence shrugged ungracefully, not making eye contact. Kate swallowed a sarcastic comment and turned away towards the kitchen. "Make yourself at home. The remote for the TV is on the table."
Much later, sandwiches, crisps (most of Kate's stash of salt and vinegar, for which she seemed to have developed somewhat of a craving recently) and half a packet of biscuits consumed by Lawrence, he followed her into the kitchen with his empty glass. "Thanks...Kate...that was really nice."
Kate took the glass from him. "You're welcome Lawrence. Now, are you sure I can't call your dad?"
Lawrence grimaced. "Still no response from mum?"
Kate shook her head, "No. I've left another message though...just to let her know you'll be staying here tonight. Don't worry, I'm sure she's fine. Her battery's probably dead that's all. Or she hasn't got a signal."
Lawrence nodded, "Yeah. She was going to see Gillian. The signal is a bit patchy out there." He yawned.
"You should probably get some sleep. Your room is the one to the left at the top of the stairs. Bathroom is right next door. There's a new toothbrush and clean towels in the bathroom and plenty of hot water if you want a shower."
Lawrence nodded. "Thanks." Said gruffly.
He went upstairs and Kate stood in the living room, listening to the sounds of life above her. It was as if his teenage clumping served as a dynamo and the light it generated pervaded the atmosphere in the cottage with a sense of peace and calm. She smiled as she remembered doing the same one evening a few months ago. Only then the person upstairs was Caroline.
"Kate, are you coming up?" Caroline's voice drifted down the stairs.
"Yes. I'm coming now." She'd moved to the bottom of the stairs as if drawn by the irresistible lure of Caroline's words. Looked up. Caroline was at the top, looking down. Their eyes met and both women smiled. "Go and warm my bed, woman. I'll be right there."
Caroline tried to look quietly submissive but the corners of her mouth quirked in amusement and her eyes sparkled as she said meekly, "Yes dear."
"Good. I shall see you are well rewarded." Kate winked dramatically.
Much later that night, Kate lay, very nearly asleep, flat out along the length of Caroline's back. "I should move, I must be squashing you", Kate murmured, making no attempt to move.
"No need...I'm actually incredibly comfortable." Caroline's sleepy voice rumbled against Kate's chest. "And I can feel the whole length of your beautiful body against me too."
"Well, if you're sure I'm not too heavy." Kate's voice was drowsy; sated from lovemaking, her body now sunk into a boneless lassitude, melded into Caroline's underneath her.
"Never too heavy", mumbled Caroline.
Kate turned her head very slightly and pressed her lips to Caroline's shoulder. Too weary to raise them again she drifted into sleep, her lips still fastened to Caroline's skin.
The next day, back in the car with Lawrence again as her passenger, Kate had resigned herself to his teenage sullen silence, having tried and failed to engage him in conversation. She switched on the car radio for some company and attempted to lift her spirits with music.
"Are you...pregnant?"
The question came out of the blue. Kate looked around surprised and met Lawrence's gaze. His eyes, not his mother's startling blue but piercing nonetheless, looked into Kate's with the clarity of youth. She swallowed. "Yes...I am."
"Oh. Is that...", he looked at his trainers for a moment, then back up defiantly, "...why you and mum split up?"
Kate looked back at the road and thought about what she should say. Eventually she said simply, "I think we just wanted different things."
"Like a baby?"
Kate was thrown off kilter by his directness. She was reminded of that conversation out on the school field where she'd said she knew Caroline probably hadn't had it in mind to be thinking about another baby at 46. Caroline had just looked at her with a strange look on her face and said, 'No', agreeing with her seemingly. Her expression however, told a different story. She shook her head now as if to dislodge the memory and answered, "Like different lives, Lawrence."
"Yeah well, I don't think she wants her life now either", he said glumly, "Because she's not exactly a barrel of laughs. Whatever that's supposed to be anyway."
Kate kept her eyes on the road and didn't trust herself to say anything more.
"Oh Kate, these flowers are beautiful!"
"Yeah, they're nice, aren't they?" Kate's voice made it sound like her teeth were gritted, so underwhelmed was her comment.
Jools turned to look at her. Eyed her keenly. "Are they from...Caroline?"
"Yep." A muscle twitched in Kate's cheek.
"Was that to say thanks for you looking after...Lawrence, isn't it?"
Kate nodded. The muscle in her cheek started to pulse.
"Do I take it they weren't...well received?" Jools chose her words carefully.
Kate blew out the breath she hadn't realised she'd been holding, in a puff of frustration. "Oh it's just typical Caroline!"
Jools looked at her steadily for a moment, her green eyes unwavering in their study of her. "Shall we have a cuppa...then we can talk about this properly?"
Kate looked at her, surprised for a second, then her expression softened and she smiled, "When did you get so...sensible, Julia?"
"It's in the rules, Kathrine. I have to offset you. It's in the friendship handbook."
"Ah right, yes...the friendship handbook. How could I forget that?!" Jools was happy to see Kate grin at her,
"Exactly", Jools said wryly. "Right, now what about this tea?"
Five minutes later, tea was served and Jools was seated at the kitchen table waiting for Kate.
"Jammie Dodger?" Kate turned from the cupboard brandishing a packet.
"Oh, your mum's been to visit!" Jools smiled, knowing that Kate's mum always brought those particular treats for her when she visited.
"Yep"' Kate said, gesturing to the open cupboard where another three packets could be seen in addition to the one she had in her hand. "If you don't help me with these, I may just be forced to gorge myself and slip into a diabetic coma."
"Oh well if I'm saving you from that fate, then it'd be wrong of me not to help!" Jools grinned wolfishly, then took a biscuit from the packet Kate had just opened, dunking it immediately into her tea. "Mmmmm...these are still good", she mumbled with her mouth still full.
Kate smiled as she nibbled her biscuit daintily, eating all the biscuit around the central 'heart' of jam in the middle first as she always had.
There was a companionable silence for a while and then Jools asked, "So. Caroline then." Kate looked up and made eye contact at the mention of Caroline's name. Jools couldn't read her expression, and as Kate made no comment, she decided to be more direct. "She came around to say thanks, brandishing beautiful flowers. Then what?"
Kate looked through to the living room where the flowers stood defiantly in the vase in which she'd plonked them. She'd been so tempted to throw them in the bin but when it came to it they were so beautiful that she couldn't. So their beauty stood there, taunting her. Annoying her with their perfection. As she looked at them accusingly, the soft, pink roses caught her eye and, without meaning to, she remembered.
It was the middle of the night. Kate had woken up to the feel of soft lips on her back. Caroline had disappeared under the duvet and was clearly engrossed in the task at hand. Her fingertips joined the exploration, skimming over Kate's shoulder blades, her ribs, the hollow at the bottom of her back. And all the time her lips and her tongue caressed each and every vertebrae of her spine.
Kate moaned softly, then whispered drowsily, "Couldn't you sleep?"
Caroline lifted her lips a few millimetres to reply, "I woke up and realised there were better things to do...than sleep." She paused to kiss the hollow of her back again, allowing the tip of her tongue to draw intricate patterns on the sensitised skin. "Do you want me to stop?" Her breath whispered over the now wet skin causing goosebumps to appear.
"God no!" Kate's husky exclamation was more vehement than she'd intended it to be.
Caroline's chuckle was low and sexy. "Oh good. I'd hate to stop now. Not now I have you exactly where I want you."
Kate gasped. All of a sudden she felt out of control. A little panicky. She went to raise her shoulders off the bed to turn over but Caroline reacted quickly, moving and pushing her firmly back down. "No. Stay put, would you?" She kissed between her shoulder blades as if to compensate, then said more gently, "Please, Kate? I'm really enjoying this. Your skin is...well, it's as soft and sensual as rose petals."
Now, Kate looked at the beautiful pink roses in the bouquet and felt like they were mocking her. Had Caroline remembered that night and what she'd said when she'd bought them?! She swallowed and looked back to Jools. "Well, ultimately she asked for another chance."
"Right. And how does that link with your 'typical Caroline' remark earlier?"
Kate looked at Jools seriously while she got her thoughts together. After a minute she said, "She's so...consistently...circumspect with her feelings but she'll do stuff...like the bloody flowers that's so over the top, it's just...infuriating! I mean that bouquet must've cost a fortune!" She looked at Jools incredulously.
Jools nodded sagely, then said, "Ok, so how was the loveliness of the flowers at odds with what she said to you?"
Kate sighed. "She was just so...bland! She used the word 'nice', Jools. Said we'd had something...", she scored speech-marks in the air with the first two fingers of each hand, "...really nice together."
"Right", Jools chose her words carefully, "So, if you knew that about her...and that her actions spoke louder than her words generally, why has it riled you so much this time?"
Kate took a deep breath. "I think because...she looked so beautiful - tired but beautiful - and she seemed so...earnest and sincere. She told me about her evening with Gillian and how she'd...confided in Caroline about her abusive...I mean, really, horribly abusive...marriage. She told me all that, Jools and then explained that because of that she'd got to thinking how bloody nice our relationship had been!
Jools took a sip of her tea before observing, "It sounds like she had thought a lot about your relationship in the light of her conversation with Gillian...but maybe didn't know how to express how she'd felt about it."
"She's an intelligent woman, Jools. A doctor of Chemistry. And trust me, I've seen her at school many times, she can more than hold her own verbally." Kate looked at Jools seriously.
"There's a difference between talking about...education and business issues and talking about your feelings though, Kate. And Caroline clearly isn't as comfortable with the latter as she is with the former."
"Clearly", Kate said wryly. "But that's what's so annoying, Jools...she hasn't...evolved at all in that regard. Despite what we had. Despite the fact that I recognise it clearly took a lot for her to come here and try, she just isn't able to be...emotionally open...and I can't be with someone like that."
Jools put her cup down after finishing her tea. She looked thoughtful. "Do you maybe think that you might be looking for something too...perfect?"
Kate had picked up her own cup but at Jools' words she put it back down on the table without having taken a mouthful. "Jools! All I want is someone who can tell me that I matter to her. I'm not looking for...poetry and Shakespeare-like declarations, just openness and honesty regarding what I mean to her."
Jools held up her hand as if to ward off an attack. "I'm just playing devil's advocate here, Kate...to get you to think about your expectations. I'm not saying you shouldn't expect those things. Not at all."
Kate took a deep breath. "I know, I know." She paused, "Caroline's not the only one who's been thinking about our relationship...but I reckon my thoughts have been more realistic."
"Tell me about them", Jools asked gently.
"Well, after Caroline's 'nice' comment, I got to thinking about why it'd annoyed me and the other occasions where she'd let me down...and really Jools, she hasn't changed one bit since our relationship started." She looked seriously into her friend's green eyes, reassured by the empathy she saw reflected there. "Did I ever tell you about the disastrous meal we had at hers when she was trying to get her mother to accept our relationship?"
Jools shook her head, "Not really. You did tell me it was after that you'd split up but then her mum came and apologised to you."
"Yes, that's right. But I was thinking more about what caused us to split up that night." Jools inclined her head in recognition and Kate continued, "Well, Celia - her mum - was being downright hostile at the table, so Caroline called her away to another room. As it happened, those of us left at the table could pretty much hear every word anyway, so there was little point but what really hurt was the fact that Celia quoted Caroline's own words back to her where she'd apparently said that I clearly thought the world of her and that she...", she scored speech marks in the air again, "...liked me a lot too."
Jools winced delicately, "Ouch."
"Indeed. And then when I called her on it she didn't even try to explain how she did feel about me...she just said that she'd been trying to explain to her mum how our relationship had started, which didn't even make any sense! I don't think she even understood that I was annoyed more by the fact that she'd thought to discuss her feelings about me with her mum but had never even attempted to with me. Like I was a...bloody non-entity!" Kate reached out, hands upturned as if to convey the emptiness she'd felt.
Jools reached across the table and took Kate's hand in hers comfortingly. "Oh Kate, that's horrible." She kissed the back of her hand as if to remove the hurt. "But you must've talked about it afterwards...when you got back together again?"
"Not really. I think she told me that she hadn't ever meant to hurt me...and that her mum was never going to understand anyway, whatever she'd told her."
Jools put Kate's hand on the table, patting it supportively before leaning back in her chair contemplatively. "So you...let her off then, ultimately? Without talking about it."
Kate looked a little shamefaced. "Yes, I suppose I did. She was so upset...and I just wanted to make that hurt better."
Jools smiled kindly, "Don't beat yourself up, Kate. We've all done it. Side-stepped the issues that were hard to deal with and concentrated on the good stuff."
Kate grimaced, "Yes, I know. But there was more than one...warning sign, if I'm honest."
"Go on." Jools' encouragement was gentle.
"Oh Jools, I think I was a bit of a mug really."
Jools raised an eyebrow questioningly, "How so?"
"Well, I think I allowed Caroline to use my puppy-like devotion for her own ends." Jools stayed quiet but maintained eye contact, silently allowing her space to continue. Kate sighed before continuing, "Remember when I pretty much moved into her house?" Jools nodded. "Well, that was because she thought it'd force John, her ex, to move out if I was there. And even then, I felt side-lined as pretty much a...bedroom accessory!"
"What do you mean?"
"Let me give you an example. Remember I told you that her mum has a granny flat next door?" Jools nodded. "Well, it means that she often pops in. Which is fine, I suppose...but when she was there...well when anyone was there, Caroline just...withdrew."
"Withdrew, how?"
"Well I was leaving for work one morning...before Caroline - although we never travelled to work together anyway - and Celia was there. I walked towards Caroline to kiss her goodbye and she just gave me this kind of half shocked look with her arms folded. Clearly silently telling me not to show any kind of...lesbian affection while her mum was there." She paused, looking appalled. "This is a professional woman in her mid forties for goodness sake, in her own house! What did she think her mum thought our relationship was?! I was obviously sharing Caroline's bedroom, as the guest room was being used by her ex-husband!" Kate rolled her eyes in disgust.
"So, how did you react?"
"Ugh", Kate let out a disgusted breath. "I just allowed her to...manipulate me and I walked away."
"Did you talk about it later?" Jools' question was asked softly. Kate looked at her, appreciating her sensitivity, her gentleness. And then she remembered.
Later that night. Kate emerged from the en suite, wrapped in a towel. She'd spent the evening marking in Caroline's study. Caroline had busied herself around the house before sitting down to read some reports. They hadn't spoken beyond a few words about and over dinner, which had suited Kate as she knew she had allowed the incident that morning to fester all day and now she was really quite angry about it. She could feel Caroline's eyes watching her from where she lay in bed but she couldn't trust herself to make eye contact.
"Kate. Are you angry with me?" Caroline's voice was quiet. Almost compliant. Hearing that, made Kate angrier.
"Why would I possibly be angry with you Caroline?" Still no eye contact. Voice low and decidedly chilly.
"I don't know. But I'd rather you talked to me about it."
Caroline Elliot, the voice of reason. Kate turned her head slowly to make eye contact. Her brown eyes glinted angrily and she saw a brief moment of shock flash across Caroline's expression before she reined it in and painted calm back on her face.
"Really? You want to talk? About how I feel?" The rumble of thunder in the distance.
"Of course I do. If you're upset, I want to know." Practiced. In charge. This storm could be calmed. Diverted.
Kate walked toward the bed, then just two steps away stood stock still, her gaze not wavering from Caroline. "Of course you do. Well, Caroline, I'm actually really bloody angry with you right now. Your behaviour this morning was pretty shitty...and it made me feel like I was...nothing...like someone who mattered less to you than...the milkman or the neighbour's cat!" A lightning strike right overhead.
Caroline looked shocked at Kate's words. She hadn't raised her voice but her tone was unmistakable. Caroline sat up in bed in order to feel more in control. She primly tucked the sheet around her naked breasts. "What do you mean, 'my behaviour this morning'?" Rational. Logical. Not bowing to the elements.
"The way you treated me in front of Celia. You backed off with your arms crossed when you saw me about to come and kiss you goodbye. That was a shitty thing to do Caroline. A cold and unfeeling thing." The clap of thunder overhead. Not to be ignored.
Caroline started to look a little uncomfortable. She moved in the bed slightly. Brushed imaginary fluff off the duvet cover. "I...I...don't think I...meant to do anything like that. I'm sorry if you think I..."
Kate interrupted, "I don't think Caroline. I know that's what you did. You warned me off...in front of your mother. And what I'm really angry about is that I let you do it. I let you treat me like shit." Another lightning flash streaked across the room. Caroline's blue eyes registered a hit.
"Kate, I would never..." King Lear now, in the maelstrom of the storm. Nowhere to go...but still protesting her position in the world.
"But you did, Caroline. You did." She paused, then walked to the bed, stood for a second, took off her towel, looking at Caroline the whole time and lifted the duvet as if to get in beside her. Caroline looked at her blankly. Expectantly. Off kilter. Worried by this strange lull.
Kate looked at Caroline's body for a moment. Appraised it openly. Caroline swallowed. Kate suddenly got in and in one swift move straddled Caroline's thighs. Caroline automatically reached out to put her hands on Kate's hips, to hold her but Kate batted them away, "No. You don't get to touch me." Another crash of thunder overhead. The storm's not passed yet.
"Kate...what can I say to make you..." Ineffectual battling against a howling downpour. Shouting into the wind.
"What can you say to make me forgive you? To make me believe you didn't mean it?" Cold, whipping rain. Another fork of fury across the sky. She bent forward and claimed Caroline's mouth with her lips. Bruising anger. Furious passion.
Caroline responded. Taking shelter in the feelings she knew so well.
Kate pulled away. "The truth, Caroline. That's what I want. The truth."
Caroline looked at her, bemused. "The truth?"
"Yes. The truth. I want you to tell me why you made me feel like shit this morning." A long roll of thunder. Like a gigantic boulder being rolled through a quarry. Reverberations felt through your body. Like a child listening to a brass band marching past and feeling the drum beat scarily in its chest.
"Kate...I...didn't...mean to make you feel that way."
Kate leaned in again and kissed Caroline's neck. Nuzzled it. Caroline gasped and moved her head to grant Kate better access. Kate nibbled, sucked, kissed, nipped, licked and then scraped her teeth along tender flesh. Caroline moaned. Snaked her arms around Kate's waist.
Kate leaned back, took her hands and then pinned them above her head on the wall behind the bed. "No. You don't get to touch me. Until you tell me the truth."
Caroline looked confused and aroused. A flush had started to spread from her neck across her chest. "Kate...I...", she stopped herself and took a breath. Soaked now from the storm raging around her. Wind howling in her ears.
Kate looked at her steadily. Dropped her hands and ran her fingertips lightly across Caroline's chest and down to her breasts. Stopped. Looked back up to meet her eyes. Startled in the storm. Kate raised an eyebrow, "Go on."
"Well...I...I think it's because of my mum." The wind dropped. A sudden silence.
Kate nodded imperceptibly. Bent her head to Caroline's breast. Allowed her mouth to explore the silky skin, the soft flesh, the puckered hardness. Caroline gasped. Arched her back.
Kate stopped. Pulled away. "Why?" A lingering rumble of thunder. The wind still swirled.
Caroline was breathing heavily, her pupils were dilated and she looked incredibly frustrated. "What? Why what?"
"Why is it because of your mum?"
"Oh. Because...", she gasped again as Kate moved to one side and dragged her fingers lightly and lazily up Caroline's inner thigh.
Kate stopped. "Because?" A lightning flash. Farther off now but still a force to be reckoned with.
"Because she doesn't approve. Never has."
Kate moved her hand again. The storm moved a little farther off.
"And why does that matter to you now?"
For the first time Caroline maintained eye contact with Kate, and there was no gap between Kate's question and her answer, "I know it shouldn't but it's hard to forget." She sucked her breath in as Kate's fingers sought to give her pleasure.
"To forget what specifically?"
"How she was when I told her." A long, low groan.
"About me?"
"No." Gasp. "When I was eighteen."
"What did she say, Caroline?"
"That it was...oh god Kate!"
She stopped the movement of her hand. "That it was what?"
"Please Kate, I need..."
"I know, Caroline. And I will. Just answer the question."
"That it wasn't normal. Not natural. Wrong."
Kate leaned in and claimed Caroline's mouth in a kiss. A reward. As she kissed her, her hand moved again. Returning her to pleasurable heights quite quickly. She pulled away from the kiss briefly. "Does this feel wrong to you? Not natural?"
"No Kate! God, no!" A groan. A shudder. Trembling. Gasping.
Kate holding her. Kissing her. Sheltering her in the storm.
"Yes. We did talk about it actually. One of the only times we did. She told me...about how her mum was...when she tried to come out to her when she was eighteen."
Jools nodded, "Yeah, those are things that tend to stay with you."
Kate smiled sympathetically. "How is your dad?"
"The same. We don't mention the fact his eldest daughter is a big old dyke. I've given up now. There's no point trying to...normalise it for him. He just won't see it."
Kate got up. "Another cuppa?" She rested her hand briefly on Jools' shoulder.
"Go on then. As long as your poor misunderstood lesbian friend can have another Jammie Dodger to go with it...to make her feel better." She grinned wickedly.
"Ms Hamilton, that is a low blow! Trying to get sympathy by way of Jammie Dodgers!" Kate smiled broadly at her friend.
"Yeah but has it worked?" Jools' eyes twinkled.
Kate mock-frowned as she handed her the packet of biscuits. "I shouldn't be rewarding your bad behaviour."
"Yeah but I'm your favourite, Miss McKenzie ain't I?", Jools said doing her best impression of a cheeky teenager.
Kate laughed. "Just as well I don't have to try and teach your younger self. You'd be in detention all the time."
"Probably so." Jools laughed with her.
Kate busied herself putting the kettle on and making the tea and there was a companionable silence for a while as Jools leafed through a magazine for expectant parents that Kate had recently bought.
Kate put the cup of tea down in front of Jools. "Thanks." She sat back down herself and took a biscuit out of the open packet. Jools waited until she'd finished her biscuit before she asked, "So, when Caroline asked for another chance with you, how did you feel...other than annoyed that she'd described your relationship as 'nice'?"
Kate sighed. "I just felt...frustrated really...that nothing had changed. That nothing would change. All she said was that she knew she'd left a lot to be desired before and that if I gave her another chance she'd try harder."
"Ok. Isn't that a good thing then?"
"It's just empty words, Jools. What does it mean? What exactly was she admitting to and what was she saying would change? As usual there was just nothing behind it."
Jools looked at her thoughtfully for a moment before saying, "Or maybe there was actually a lot behind it...", Kate looked up sharply at that and Jools continued quickly, "...but what I agree with you about, is that if there was, then that went unsaid."
"Yes. It was just an...umbrella statement with no specificity and no substance." She picked up her cup and sipped her tea. "Nothing about her being prepared to acknowledge me outside the bedroom. Nothing about what she feels...felt about me." Her words tailed off and she looked down at the table.
Jools leaned over and covered Kate's hand. Kate looked up and smiled ruefully and Jools smiled back at her for a moment, then she winked and said, "Definitely no Jammie Dodgers for her then."
Kate pulled her hand away and slapped Jools' hand in a show of remonstration but laughed despite herself. She glanced through to the living room at the beautiful bouquet. Its beauty lingered.