"This is hard for me."

The phone rang. Again. Kate looked at it. Willing it to stop. Her head hurt. Probably because she'd been crying for the majority of the day. She felt sick with hunger but knew she couldn't eat anything. It would either turn to ashes in her mouth or she would actually be sick. The phone stopped. She breathed a sigh of relief. There's no way I can talk to anyone right now. Not a sales person, not mum...and least of all not...her. Not Caroline. She curled up on the sofa. Put her Pachelbel CD on repeat and closed her eyes.

She must've drifted off to sleep because the next thing she knew she awoke with a jolt. To start with she didn't know what had woken her but she soon realised that it must've been whoever was banging on her front door. Like the phone earlier, she tried to ignore it but whoever it was seemed intent on not stopping until they got an answer. She sat up and swung her legs over the side of the sofa, then got to her feet awkwardly before trudging to the door.

The banging didn't stop until Kate swung the door open. "Jools! Is there some reason you're hammering fit to bust on my door?"

"About bloody time, McKenzie." The redhead pushed her way past Kate, into the cottage.

"Come in Jools, why don't you?", Kate muttered, shutting the door and following her friend through into her living room.

The redhead glared at Kate from the armchair where she was now sitting. "Why have you not been answering your phone?"

"Have you called me?" Kate looked a bit sheepish. She picked up the remote control to her stereo and turned the music off as, with Jools' energy in the room, it seemed incongruous all of a sudden.

"Only about a dozen times." She looked sternly at Kate, then her face softened as she took in Kate's demeanour. Her face drawn and tired, her eyes still a little puffy. "What's wrong, Kate? I'm worried about you."

At her friend's soft concern, Kate crumpled. She sank to the sofa again and started to cry.

Jools looked on in horror and confusion. She quickly got up and then crouched at Kate's feet, placing her hands gently on Kate's knees. "Kate darling, what's wrong?" At that, Kate just cried harder. Jools took Kate in her arms, holding her while she wept. Kate laid her head on her friend's shoulder and sobbed.

Eventually Kate's sobs subsided and she drew away from Jools, reaching to her left to grab a couple of tissues from the box on the table. While she wiped her eyes and blew her nose, Jools moved from the floor and sat next to Kate on the sofa. She gave her time to pull herself together before saying, "I can see why Greg called me now."

Kate's head whipped around to look at her. "Greg called you? Why?!"

"He was worried about you. Clearly justifiably." Matter of fact.

"What did he say?"

"Not much." Jools looked at her suspiciously. "Just that you'd been together and he said he was worried about you...because you'd become upset. He asked me to make sure you were ok."

"Ha!" Kate tried to scoff but a residual sob overtook her.

"Kathrine. You need to tell me what's going on." A stern voice.

"Julia. I don't need to tell you anything." Controlled. Annoyed.

Jools sighed. "Fair enough." A pause. Then quietly, "Bloody stroppy mare."

Kate turned to look at her accusingly, her expression changing to mild amusement when she saw Jools' teasing gaze. She sighed heavily. "Sorry."

"I just want to help, Kate."

"Yeah, I know."

Jools looked at her steadily. Waiting. Stayed silent. Maintained eye contact. Green eyes patient.

Kate took a deep breath. "I...slept with Greg."

Jools' mouth fell open. "You did what?!" Astounded. Looked at Kate's face. A bit guilty. "What happened to the fact that you're not actually straight? And what happened to the lovely Caroline? Last I heard you two were shagging like bunnies."

Kate swallowed. "It's a...long story, Jools."

"It bloody ought to be!" She looked around. "Where's the wine? I think I'm going to need it."

Kate gestured with her head. "In the kitchen. Help yourself."

Jools got up and walked toward the kitchen. Over her shoulder, "You joining me?"

"No." Jools paused, half-turned and raised an eyebrow. "I'm...not in the mood." Jools looked unconvinced but just shot her a look before continuing to the kitchen.

In a few minutes Jools wandered back into the living room, glass and opened bottle in hand. "Nice wine, McKenzie."

Without thinking Kate said, "It's Caroline's...favourite." Her words tailed off. Drying up in her mouth. Turning to dust. She chewed the inside of her cheek. Looked across the room, focusing on nothing.

Jools, missing nothing, sat back in the armchair. Put the bottle on the table, took a healthy sip of the wine. Looked back at Kate. "Right. Do you want to start with Greg...or with Caroline?"

Kate looked at Jools almost fearfully. Small voice, "I want...to get pregnant. I want a baby, Jools."

Jools looked at her face for a few moments before responding. "You want to try again? After...everything?"

Kate nodded mutely.

"So...is that what the...thing with Greg is?"

Another nod.

"Does he...know?"

Kate looked astonished, "Of course he does! Bloody hell Jools, do you think I'd do that?!"

Jools held her hand up as if to quell Kate's angry outburst. An apologetic gesture. "Sorry. Of course you wouldn't." She paused, then, "So...did Caroline know?"

Kate broke eye contact. Looked away. Looked at her CD collection, arranged just as she liked. She remembered Caroline trying to work out her system...

"There clearly is no system to it, Kate."

She smiled. "Yes there is. It's just not one that you can relate to."

Caroline stifled a sigh. "The whole point of a system is that it's logical. Alphabetical by composer for instance, would be logical. Even if they were sorted by...colour it'd have a certain logic...but these are...all over the place."

"They're not all over the place, Caroline." She came to stand behind a confused Caroline, putting her hands on her hips and resting her chin on her shoulder. "You just need to think more...holistically."

Caroline threw her hands in the air. "What's holistic about sorting a collection of CDs?"

"Caroline." She took half a step backwards and turned Caroline around gently to face her. "See, that's your problem. You're seeing this as a collection of CDs." Caroline looked confused and opened her mouth to speak. Kate, smiling, placed her index finger gently over her lips. She felt Caroline swallow. "This is not a collection of CDs. This...", she took her finger away and placed a light kiss where it had been. "...is a collection of music. And my system is just that. It's about...", she kissed Caroline again lightly on the mouth. "..mood. It's about tempo, harmony and rhythm...and what that conjures up. It's about...", she put her hands on Caroline's waist and tugged her gently forward. Her lips just centimetres from Caroline's, she continued breathily, "...atmosphere...it's about where the feeling takes you." Their lips met and this time the kiss was longer. Deeper.

When they finally came up for air Caroline said huskily, "You have me convinced. Your system is far superior."

Kate laughed softly, "I knew you'd see sense eventually."

Kate looked back at Jools. "She knew." A bland statement but Jools could see the pain flickering in her eyes.

"She knew...before...or after?" A tentative question. But one that needed to be asked.

Kate bit her lip. "Before."

"So, did she...dump you?"

Kate winced and then swallowed as if she was trying to quell pangs of nausea. "No." Jools continued to look at her, saying nothing. Kate stared at her blankly for a few moments, then, "I dumped her, ok."

"Because she didn't want you to sleep with Greg?" Quiet. Non-judgmental.

"That had nothing to do with it, Jools."

"Didn't it?"

"Actually, no."

"Then what did it have to do with, Kate?"

Kate looked at the wine. God, right now I could do with a large glass of that! She swallowed hard. "She...Caroline...you know...I told you she was taking me away for my birthday?" Jools nodded. Kate's jaw hardened. A muscle twitched. "Yeah well, she did. Beautiful hotel. Separate bloody rooms."

"Ah."

"Ah indeed."

"So that was what made you...end things with her?"

Kate looked astonished. "Well, wouldn't you?"

Jools didn't say anything for a few moments, then, "I suppose I might've."

"Might've?! May I remind you of Anna."

"Kate, we were 20." Patient. Had another sip of wine.

"Exactly. Caroline is 46. 46, Jools. And can't be open about who she is. Who I am to her." Righteous anger.

"Didn't you say she'd been married...to a man for the last twenty years?"

"What has that got to do with it?"

"Well it's not like she's been out all that time, is it?"

"She's not bloody out now." Muttered resentfully. "Do you know what she said?"

"What?"

"As an excuse for not being out, she told me that they still stone gay people in Iran." She looked at Jools with an amazed expression. "She was quite happy to sleep with me here...or at hers...but at a hotel...in Yorkshire...oh no, that was far too dangerous." Scathing.

"Did you know beforehand that she was...scared of coming out?"

"Well she hadn't exactly made any progress toward it."

"Did you talk about it?"

Kate opened her mouth to speak but then closed it again before looking at Jools helplessly and saying sadly, "God Jools, we talked more in bed than we ever did out of it." She got up. "I'm going to get a glass of water. Do you want anything?"

"I'm fine thanks." Jools watched her go into the kitchen, then when she reappeared in a minute or two with a big glass of water, ice cubes clinking, she said, "So, how come you didn't push the conversation beforehand? I know you Kate, you've forced me over the years to talk about things."

"I just...I...well I suppose I thought she might come to it in her own time."

"And you didn't even mention that it was important to you...while you were waiting for her to...come to it?" Jools' green eyes widened in surprise at her friend's behaviour.

Kate took a slow sip of her water. "I suppose...I was being gentle with her."

"And what about you, Kate? Where did you come in the great scheme of things?" Jools picked up her glass of wine. Her green eyes glinted with righteousness above the ruby red in the glass.

Kate took another mouthful of water. Let the coolness refresh and soothe her throat, sore from crying. She swallowed. Looked up into Jools' face. "I...yes ok, I allowed her needs to usurp mine. But I suppose I thought she'd want to be out eventually, Jools. What we had...well it was...wonderful." Her voice cracked and she looked away. Picked up her water again. Sipped.

Jools looked unconvinced. "Decent sex is not the same as a good relationship." Annoyed for her friend.

Kate looked back up quickly. "It was more than just decent sex, Jools!"

Jools looked a bit shocked at Kate's sharp tone. "Sorry, I didn't mean to imply...only you said you talked more in bed than you ever did out of it."

Kate blinked. She wanted to cry. Why? Why do I want to cry again? God, I've already cried too much over Caroline. A slightly shaky voice. "We did, yes. It sometimes seemed that our only quality time together was in bed. It was certainly pretty much the only time Caroline opened up properly." She paused, then tried for a lighthearted tone. "And for the record, the sex was bloody fantastic."

Jools raised one eyebrow. "Glad to hear it, Katie." She smiled.

Kate poked her tongue out in response to Jools calling her Katie and Jools blew her a kiss.

There was a companionable silence and then Jools asked, "So...Gregorian then. How'd that come about?"

Kate smiled at Jools' use of Greg's university nickname. "I just asked him...and he said yes." Kept it light. Kept it brief.

"Well he would, wouldn't he?"

"Why would he?"

"Oh Kate. Greg has always had the hots for you. Even after you split up and then started going out with Kim."

"I'm not sure that's true, Jools."

"Trust me, it is." Green eyes looked into brown seriously for a few moments. "So, I take it, it's possible you could now be pregnant?"

A nod. "But it's far too early to even think about that."

Jools nodded. "Hence abstaining from alcohol." A statement, not a question. Another nod. "Have you thought this through, Kate?"

"Of course I have, I'm not a child!" Immediately felt bad. "Sorry. But you know I've wanted a baby for a long time, Jools."

"I know you have." Gentle. A pause. "Did you talk to Caroline about this?"

"A...bit."

Jools gazed at Kate intently. Her green eyes seemed cat-like. "Was she...supportive? Did she want this too?"

Kate wavered under her gaze just for a moment but then seemed to steel herself. She sighed heavily and started to cry. "I have absolutely no idea, Jools." She looked down at the carpet under her feet. A tear fell on the small stain there, highlighting it. The one bit she hadn't been able to remove, despite both her and Caroline scrubbing it. Afterwards.

Kate sat on the floor in between Caroline's legs, who was behind her on the sofa. Caroline was stroking Kate's hair. Alternating between running her fingers through it and smoothing it. She moved downwards, stroking her neck.

"You have such a beautiful neck, Kate."

"I'm glad you like it."

"I do." She moved slightly and managed to be able to bend just enough to kiss Kate's neck. Her hands dropped to Kate's shoulders and she gently massaged them.

"Mmmmm...oh Caroline, that's lovely."

"Is it?" A playful tone. "So what's my reward?"

Kate smiled. "It's funny you should say that..." She got up and went to the kitchen. Before reappearing she said, "Close your eyes, Caroline." Caroline did as she was told. "They closed?"

"Yes."

"Open your mouth." Caroline duly obliged.

Kate came back in, knelt at her feet, took a strawberry, cheekily dipped it in Caroline's glass of wine and gently touched it to her lips. Caroline took the end of the strawberry in her mouth, biting it as she realised what it was. As she bit it, the wine it'd been dipped in, combined with the ripe fruit's juices were released and it dripped down her chin. She went to wipe it with her fingers but Kate grabbed her hand as she dipped her head toward Caroline, then deftly licked the ruby drops from the corner of her mouth. Caroline opened her eyes in surprise but closed them again as she experienced the touch of Kate's lips against hers.

As the kiss ended, Caroline reached to the arm of the sofa where Kate had balanced the bowl of strawberries. She picked one out, dunked it in her wine and trailed it across Kate's lips. "You have the...sexiest mouth, Kate." Kate opened her lips and took the strawberry. She bit it sensuously, then leaned toward Caroline, wordlessly asking for a kiss. They kissed deeply for a while, then, breaking away, Caroline said breathlessly, "I'd like to eat the rest of these strawberries...off you."

As Kate tearfully looked at the small stain on the carpet that was all that remained of that evening, she said quietly, "Y'know Jools, outside of our physical relationship, and barring a couple of minor instances, I don't think Caroline and I really ever told each other what we wanted." She looked up sadly into her friend's sympathetic, green eyes, "I never even felt I could tell her that I...", her voice broke, "...loved her." Tears poured down her face.

Jools swallowed, physically moved by Kate's sorrow. She got up and joined her on the sofa, where she put her arms around her. Comforting. Soothing. Kate snuggled into her, accepting her comfort and feeling comfortable doing so.

Eventually she pulled away, for the moment feeling a little calmer. Jools moved her arm from around Kate's shoulder and patted her leg, saying tightly, "Are you sure you should've ended it, Kate? Maybe you should've just worked on what you had?"

Kate looked at her, surprised. "You're saying I should settle?!"

"No, of course not. But you clearly had something...or you wouldn't be so upset now."

Kate's soft, brown eyes, gazed into Jools' insightful green. "We did have something, yes. But I can't count on her, Jools. I can't...trust her."

Jools looked at her clearly. Saw her. Wasn't sure what to say, so just tried to show she was there for her. She took her hand. Pale skin on dark. Squeezed comfortingly.

Kate looked at their hands. Felt the warmth and comfort of her friend. Felt...overwhelmed all of a sudden but tried to smile at Jools, thanking her for her support...her love. Underneath though, she was panicking. How the hell will I ever sleep again with no hand to hold?