A/N: So I started this fic back in July and it was going to be a Christmas in July gift to Sindy, Fiona, Erica, Imani, and Sara but now I guess it's a Christmas in September gift. Better late than never though, right? Anyway, this story is part of my series that I have been writing. If you're following the chronology it would come after "Sandcastle and Fireworks" but before "He Didn't Have to Be" and "Someone Somewhere Tonight". I'm also planning a Valentine's Day/wedding fic and then I will go back to the present and write the fic where Avery is born and beyond. That is if I ever recover from the "Brian is a kid" comments that have broken my heart. So anyway, same disclaimers as always: I own no one even though I really wish I did. Leave me a review here or on Twitter (Dimonkey17) and let me know what you think. The more reviews, the faster I'll get part 2 up. Enjoy :)

A few stray snowflakes fell from the night sky and hit the windshield of Olivia's car just as she reached her apartment building and pulled cautiously into the underground parking lot. Waving courteously at Lenny in the guard shack, Olivia turned the corner and pulled her red Honda CR-V into her assigned parking space next to Brian's black Dodge Charger. She had traded in her mid-life crisis Mustang for a practical mom-mobile a few weeks after agreeing to take Noah in. Most days she didn't mind the cumbersome vehicle, too distracted by the perk of finally being a mom, but today, when she had just closed a particularly heart-wrenching case, she genuinely missed her black sportscar. Missed the feeling of empowerment it gave her as she was weaving in and out of busy traffic, revving her engine at long traffic lights, down-shifting as she veered around tight corners. In a world that seemed to get increasingly out of control it was nice to have one thing she could control, even if it was just a flashy car.

Glancing in the rearview mirror, her gaze settled on the empty car seat which had just recently been turned to the front facing position, noticing the Cheerios lodged in the crevices and the floppy gray bunny rabbit draped over the edge, apparently forgotten by Noah in their haste this morning. Normally she picked Noah up at Brian's mom's place on her way home from work, just as she dropped him off there every morning. After she and Brian re-coupled she had pulled Noah out of day care at Mrs. Cassidy's insistence, and only used Lucy, her evening sitter, in rare emergencies when both she and Brian got called in during the middle of the night and didn't want to wake the older woman. But today was Christmas Eve and Brian had left work early, calling to tell Olivia he would swing by and pick Noah up on his way home. In fact he was probably upstairs with Noah right now, waiting for her to get home so they could begin their holiday festivities.

This would be Noah's first Christmas with them and Olivia wanted it to be special. Not like his actual first Christmas, spent surrounded by gang members and prostitutes too concerned with getting their next fix to pay him any attention. She knew he was only fourteen months old and probably wouldn't remember much of it anyway, but that hadn't stopped her and Brian from going all out. Their apartment was decorated like a miniature Santa's Village—twinkling lights and red and green decorations adorned every surface—and there were so many gifts, Noah would most likely be opening them until Easter.

Shutting off the perky radio personality midway through her announcement about how Santa was currently somewhere over Germany and would be arriving in the United States in only seven more hours, Olivia turned off her car, pulled her coat a little tighter, and began to gather up the belongings from her passenger seat. Her purse, a gift bag containing a bottle of wine and a still wrapped gift for Noah from Amanda, a gift basket full of assorted coffees and chocolates, the kind you could find at any mall kiosk in America, from the rest of the department—not entirely personal, but it showed they cared—, and a couple of case files she had fooled herself into believing she would actually look at during her time off. In her purse was a stack of Christmas cards, some lottery tickets, a gift certificate to a very fancy restaurant from Fin, with instructions that she and Brian were to get a sitter for Noah and enjoy an adults only night out, and a one year family membership to the Bronx Zoo from Nick, stating Zara had loved it there and he hoped Noah would too. The poinsettia from Melinda still sat on the desk in her office. Out of hands to carry it to her car and uncertain how safe it was to have the poisonous plant around her now walking and extremely curious son, she had left it behind, hoping it would survive without water until she came back.

Items in hand she climbed out of the front seat, slammed the door shut with her hip, and managed to hit the small red button on her keys, locking the door and engaging the alarm system. Seeing her struggle with her armload of possessions on his surveillance camera, the portly security guard shuffled up the slight incline, his feet slapping loudly on the concrete, and grabbed hold of the door handle, opening it just before Olivia reached the entrance to the building.

"Thank you Lenny," Olivia said, smiling graciously at the older man as she stepped from the frigid parking garage into the well-heated foyer, her nose instantly assaulted by the smell of pine needles and cinnamon. "Guess I should have made two trips."

"Not a problem, Ms. Benson," Lenny wheezed as he followed her down the short hallway to the elevator, breathing heavily and doing double time to keep up with Olivia's longer strides. "Guess you're in a rush to get home to that little boy of yours. I saw Mr. Cassidy take him upstairs a couple of hours ago."

"Am I that obvious?" Olivia asked with a chuckle, shifting the precariously positioned basket in her arms before it could spill onto the floor.

"It's the 'Baby's First Christmas' look," Lenny replied as he pushed the up arrow on the elevator pad for Olivia. "I know it well. My wife's been wearing it for the past three weeks, anticipating our granddaughter's visit. She's nine months old and we haven't seen her since June when we flew out to Colorado to visit my daughter and her husband for a week. Their flight was due in an hour ago and I can't wait to get home and see them but I'm here until 11:00 tonight."

"I'm sorry," Olivia replied with a slight frown, feeling somewhat guilty that she was about to head upstairs to her warm apartment to spend a fun-filled evening with her son and boyfriend while Lenny was going to go back to the cold guard shack, all alone, away from his loved ones on the most family-centric night of the year.

"Don't worry about it." Lenny shrugged and gave Olivia a wide smile. "I need these hours to pay for all the presents my wife bought for the baby. And I'm off all day tomorrow, so I'll be there for the important things."

Just then the elevator dinged, signaling its arrival, followed by a swooshing noise as the doors slid open.

"Well I guess that's my ride." Olivia stepped onto the waiting elevator and turned around, offering one final smile to Lenny. "Thank you so much for all your help. And you have a very Merry Christmas! Enjoy the time with your daughter and granddaughter."

"Oh I'm sure I will," Lenny replied heartily. "Merry Christmas to you too Ms. Benson!"

As the door slid closed, Olivia leaned back against the wall and sighed, seconds later feeling the small car begin its ascent. Tinny Christmas muzak filtered through the speakers, doing its part to put the elevator occupants in the Christmas spirit. But all Olivia could concentrate on was the horrible look on that mother's face when she delivered the dreadful news. A look that stared back at her every time she dared to close her eyes.

They had been working the case all week. A sixteen year old rape victim who had disappeared from home just days before her rapist was to go to trial. The parents had naively held out hope that she had just run away, unable to deal with the trial prep and the constant stares from her classmates anymore. Unfortunately her body had finally turned up this morning, when a fisherman noticed her floating alongside where his boat was docked. The on-call ME was still trying to determine if it was homicide or suicide when Olivia had finally called it a day and left for home. Not before meeting with the family however, and relaying the unwanted news. There is never a good time to hear that your teenage daughter is never coming home, but Olivia was certain that Christmas Eve had to be by far the worst time to hear it.

Trudging slowly down the hallway toward her apartment door, Olivia did her best to turn the feelings off. She had been taking cases like this home with her for sixteen years, letting them invade her psyche, ruin all her interpersonal relationships. But tonight, this case was going to stay at the precinct, locked securely between the covers of the folder sitting on her desk. Tonight and tomorrow were all about Noah and Brian and the amazing Christmas she was going to spend with both of them. Sure she still felt bad for Mrs. Jackson, but she would not let someone else's misfortune keep her from celebrating the long awaited good fortune that had finally come her way.

Juggling the paraphernalia in her arms, Olivia managed to turn the key and open the front door, before stumbling across the door mat, the contents of her arms spilling onto the little table just inside the door. After picking up the handful of escaped K-cups and truffles, she closed the front door, turning the lock and sliding the dead bolt into place. She hung her winter coat up and slipped out of her boots. Deciding that the gifts could stay right where they were until she found Brian and Noah, Olivia gathered up her purse and pile of files and headed toward the living room, the lack of audible noise telling her they were probably in the bedroom.

Sure enough, the living room stood completely empty. A Charlie Brown Christmas played on the television, despite the fact that no one was watching it. Untouched cartons of Chinese food sat on the kitchen counter, their savory aroma filling Olivia's nostrils. Still in search of her men, Olivia dropped her files and purse on the coffee table and continued down the hallway. Stopping in the doorway to her bedroom, in awe of the sight in front of her, all remaining negative thoughts bouncing around in her brain only moments before instantly evaporated.

Brian stood, his back to Olivia, with Noah on his hip, next to his beloved cattle skull. When he had moved back in months ago, the skull had been one of the first items to make its way back to the apartment. Olivia, who had never felt it fit the décor the first time around, had resisted when Brian tried to hang it in its old spot on the wall, finally conceding that he could hang it in the bedroom, out of sight.

Noah's small hand was lightly patting the skull, laughing at the Santa hat sitting cock-eyed atop the bony structure and the red and green Christmas lights wound around his horns. Meanwhile Brian was telling the toddler all about how he bought the skull when he visited a ranch in Texas on a road trip with some college buddies and how they all got matching skull tattoos after a night of too much drinking and how maybe one day Noah would want a cool tattoo "just like Daddy".

Olivia had heard the story about the skull and the tattoo before—many, many times. But she silently leaned against the doorframe and listened to it again, smiling at Noah's apparent fascination with the tale, frowning slightly at the mention of her precious little boy, who wasn't even potty-trained or speaking in full sentences yet, getting a tattoo.

Olivia opened her mouth to protest but closed it again before uttering a single word, choosing instead to continue observing the interaction between her boyfriend and her son for a few moments longer. She often saw a totally different side of Brian when he was talking with Noah and didn't know she was watching them. These bonding moments warmed her heart more than anything and she knew she would cherish them forever.

Noah babbled happily, as though he was responding to Brian's story, still sliding his small hand along the smooth skull, coming to a stop when he reached the furry white brim of the Santa hat. Tugging on the hat, Noah grunted with frustration when his efforts failed to remove the hat. He gave one final futile yank on the fabric before he cocked his tiny head and looked at Brian, his wide brown eyes pleading with his father for assistance.

"This what you want, buddy?" Brian asked, swiftly scooping up the fuzzy hat and plopping it on top of Noah's head, earning him a toothy grin and a wet kiss on the cheek from Noah, followed by a few garbled words that Olivia couldn't quite decipher from across the room.

Brian seemed to understand what Noah had said though, judging by the deep throaty laugh that erupted from his chest. A laugh that still made Olivia's toes tingle every time she heard it, even after all these years.

"Looks like somebody remembers what we've been practicing," Brian said, still chuckling, before reciprocating the act of affection with a kiss of his own on Noah's round cheek.

Deciding she had been a silent bystander long enough and that she was ready to join in on the hugs and kisses with her two favorite guys, Olivia casually cleared her throat and said, "Merry Christmas Eve," as she took a step into the room, drawing the immediate attention of father and son.

"Mama!" Noah squealed excitedly at the sound of Olivia's voice. He squirmed frantically, waving his tiny arms at her until she acknowledged his silent request and plucked him from Brian's arms.

"Hey mister," Olivia cooed to her son, peppering his belly and cheeks with kisses before settling him on her hip, her lips curled upward in a blissful smile. She would never tire of hearing Noah call her "Mama".

In the back of her mind she knew it was slightly premature, calling herself his mother, when the adoption wouldn't be finalized for another five months and a lot could happen in that time. Noah's biological father could show up. The courts could decide on another placement for Noah, one where the parents didn't work such crazy hours at high-risk jobs. Based on her string of bad luck, she wouldn't have even been surprised if a wealthy family showed up out of nowhere claiming Noah was their kidnapped child, if not for the fact that Ellie Porter's DNA matched Noah's.

But she wasn't going to think about that, not tonight, not ever. This life she was making with Noah and Brian, this was what she had been waiting for all her life. And she had suffered through ten lifetimes of challenges to get to this point. Olivia was going to live in the moment and make the absolute most of it for as long as it lasted, which if she had anything to say about it would be forever.

"Liv! How long have you been standing there?" Brian asked, clearly flustered by her unannounced arrival, a trace of baby slobber still glistening on his face.

"Long enough to know who to blame if my child winds up with a matching father-son tattoo," Olivia teased, shooting a fake scowl in Brian's direction, as Noah snuggled happily into her chest, the Santa hat falling down over his eyes.

While Brian struggled unsuccessfully to put a coherent sentence together, Olivia wiped the drool from Brian's cheek, her soft fingertips lingering an extra second longer as they swiped lovingly across the hint of stubble, and added, "And what is Noah practicing for?"

Brian continued to stumble over his words, "We were just…I mean…it's nothing…he and I were…um…we were…."

"Maybe Noah can tell me what's going on," Olivia suggested with a chuckle, pushing the hat out of his eyes and gently rubbing her thumb over Noah's soft cheek.

"No!" Brian blurted out, earning him a bemused look from Olivia and a giggle from Noah.

"It's just, it's sort of a surprise," he mumbled, looking down as he felt a warm flush color his cheeks.

"Ok, I'll wait to find out what it is," Olivia conceded. "But if you taught my son some sort of Jets fight song for him to perform when they play my Giants this weekend, you can start looking for a new place to live."

The words had been said as a joke, but as soon as they crossed her lips Olivia wished she could pull them back, the crestfallen look on Brian's face almost more than she could bear. How could she have been so insensitive? Of course she wouldn't kick him out again and she shouldn't have even joked about it, knowing how elated he had been when she asked him to move back in with her and Noah.

Olivia loved Brian more than she had ever imagined she could love a man and Noah adored him from the minute they met. But still, she knew Brian was fragile. His gruff self-assured exterior might fool everyone else but Olivia still caught glimpses of his timidity, of the Brian who worried that one false move and Olivia would send him packing again without so much as a warning shot. In both their previous attempts at relationships, Brian had been the more invested of the two; the one who gave his heart completely, only to have it end up getting stomped on. She was doing all she could to make sure he knew this time around she was just as devoted as he was, but clearly his fears were not so easily assuaged.

"I'm sorry Bri." The words rushed from her mouth. "It was just a dumb joke. I didn't really mean it. I was just kidding…and, and, and I shouldn't have said that, and—"

Brian cut her off, smiling tentatively at her. "Liv, it's okay. I shouldn't have taken it so personally. I know you were just teasing."

He closed the small distance between them, wrapping his arms around Olivia's waist and pulling her and Noah into his embrace. Olivia muttered a few more "I'm sorry"s and "I love you"s against his chest while Brian softly rubbed her back, letting her know there were no hard feelings for her ill-timed remark. They finally broke apart when Noah began kicking his small legs against them and whining, begging to be released from the Brian and Olivia sandwich.

Planting a quick kiss on Olivia's lips before he stepped back, Brian nervously slipped his hand into Olivia's and began to pull her in the direction of the kitchen. "What do you say we eat some dinner," he suggested. "The Chinese food got here just before you did. Noah and I were just killing time waiting for you."

"That sounds like a great idea," Olivia agreed. "We were so busy today that lunch never happened. Aside from a few Christmas cookies I swiped from a tray in the cribs and a granola bar I found in my desk drawer I haven't had anything to eat since breakfast this morning, so I am starving. I hope you got chicken and cashews."

"Oh man, I knew I forgot something," Brian exclaimed as he rifled through the bag of food on the counter. "Maybe if you had texted one more reminder. I mean the first seventeen texts and the fact that I know it's your favorite apparently weren't enough."

Brian couldn't keep the laughter out of his voice as he turned toward a scowling Olivia, a Chinese takeout carton in his hand. "Oh look, your chicken and cashews was in here after all. Guess the delivery boy must have just thrown it in since it's what you always order. Did you want a plate or were you just gonna eat it right out of the container?"

He offered the carton to her, laughing even harder as she swiped it out of his hand, playfully glaring at him as she did. "Okay, I'll admit it. I may have gone a little heavy on the reminders."

"A little?" Brian replied, raising an eyebrow.

"Alright, a lot," Olivia conceded, the scowl fading as she laughed along with him. "I told you I didn't eat all day. This Chinese food was all I could think about."

"I don't know about you Noah, but I'm a little hurt," Brian spoke to the little boy. "We spent all afternoon thinking about Mommy and how much fun we were gonna have with her when she got home and the only thing on her mind was her sodium rich dinner entrée."

Olivia frowned at Brian. "You were on my mind too Bri. It goes without saying, you two are always on my mind."

Especially today, she added silently. Cases like today's always made her wish she had held Noah one second longer before she headed out the door for work. That she had said one more "I love you" to Brian. A look of sadness clouded Olivia's eyes as she once again imagined the immense grief of losing someone she loved. Sensing the change in Olivia's demeanor, the smile on Brian's face faded slightly.

"Well then I guess Santa's little helper won't have to return your present," Brian teased, attempting to return the mood to its previous lightheartedness. Olivia gratefully accepted his effort and gave him an appreciative smile before carrying Noah and their food over to the table.

As Brian plated up a serving of chicken and broccoli next to his pork fried rice he happily watched the woman and child he so desperately wanted to spend forever with, his thoughts wandering back to the stop he had made on his way home from work.

TBC :)