Fix Me In 45, a supernatural fanfic

A/N: fact: when you type in 'asexual' to the search queue on this website for this fandom, less than ten results are shown.

...

hi, I'm Jaq, and my personal goal is for that number to be upped a lot. Because, surprise surprise, the asexuals exist (and no, we don't reproduce like plants).

that said, ace!Sam is my baby so I must write about it. enjoy!

-Jaq

Disclaimer: if I owned supernatural we would get lots more queer representation and also I would be broke. So...that obviously isn't true. Don't sue me.

March 18th, 2003

"Dude. She's hot. And she was definitely checking you out. As your older brother, I feel that it is necessary to help you out here," Dean said, nudging Sam with his shoulder and wiggling his eyebrows. He leant over the many papers and books strewn about the small workspace, and whistled lowly. "Lotta homework there, Sammy. You could...I don't know..." Dean pulled an innocent look, "go hang out with Laura..."

Sam looked up from his textbook, giving his brother his best bitchface. "I'm trying to study."

"For what? You're in the middle of senior year. Just four months left, and then...poof! No more schoolwork. Y'know, Sammy, you are allowed to have fun."

"Look, I know I'm allowed to have fun. I'm just not interested. We'll leave here in a week. After that, I'll never see Laura again. Why should I be interested?" Sam explained, using his last shred of patience. He had already fought with Dad; he didn't need to piss Dean off, too.

Dean smirked. "You can accomplish a lot in one week," he said, nudging Sam again. "Go on. Ask her for her number, at the very least."

With that, Sam closed the textbook, possibly with a little more force than was absolutely necessary. "I'm just- not interested, okay? Leave it alone."

Dean raised his hands in surrender. "Hey, man, chill. It's fine with me." There was a slight pause, and then, "but she is open for me, right?"

Sam gaped for a second, and then shoved his older brother off of him. "Go be perverted somewhere else. I've got AP lit to do, and the Iliad isn't going to read itself."

Smirking again, Dean walked off, a touch of swagger in his step.

As Sam got back to his work, he sighed. With Dean, it was all...so easy. His brother seemed to pick up girls without even trying. How could he explain that he just...didn't feel that need, or whatever?

Stupid. He returned to his textbook, copying out dutifully the assigned questions and essay prompt.

-:-

Nine days later, they left, and Laura was long gone. Sam was relieved, in a way, that they moved so much. It was easier to make Dean believe that Sam just didn't want a one-time-only, three-day relationship. His brother could understand that.

Maybe there's something wrong with him. For as long as he can remember, he's never felt any sort of sexual attraction to girls (or boys, for that matter). He's fine with being friends. Maybe, even, one day, friends who...cuddled? a little more than strictly necessary. But not ever any kind of sexual relationship. The thought of it alone was enough to make him gag, and he was sure the actual experience would be hundreds of times worse.

So, he studied hard, made friends that lasted for a week or two, and helped out with hunting, waiting for August 17th.

Because August 17th was the day he got to leave for Stanford. Last July, he sent an early application out to the school in California, and the reply had come just two weeks ago.

If you continue to keep your grades up, it had said, we may consider accepting you on a full ride scholarship.

Sam had the entire letter memorized. So maybe it was stupid to assume that he could get away with it, but...stupid or not, he really, really wanted to go.

He'll finally be able to be at least semi normal.

-:-

November 5th

Sam sat on his bed, his face white and his hands clenched into the blanket. He was acting like a high school freshman who was worried about their first midterm. Which was...pretty far from the truth.

Jess had asked him out. In Psychology.

As if it wasn't an awkward enough subject to be asked out in, Sam had said yes. Yes. As in, yes, I will go on a date with you.

And dating was fine. Sam thought. Right? Dating was just...being friends. Really, really, really good friends. Friends that maybe...

No. Sam's already angsting over it enough. No need to bring up the whole 18-and-never-dated-before thing. Nope. No need.

Because Sam liked Jess. She was nice and smart and funny and a little bit sarcastic, but she cared about people. Brady introducing the two of them had been awesome.

And a part of Sam wanted to be her boyfriend. But Jess was...normal. And after person A and person B have been dating for a month, or a couple months, or a few days, or however much time, certain things are expected.

And there is no way in hell that Sam is doing them.

He isn't celibate. He isn't making a conscious decision not to have sex. Sam just...finds the whole idea repulsive.

So eventually, he would have to tell Jess, and they would break up, and Sam would be the awkward single once again.

He mentally cursed himself.

The movie they were going to see was called Texas Chainsaw Massacre, and it had come out in October.

Sam half-hoped that Jess would hold his hand or something, but on the other hand...he didn't want things to move fast.

He sighed again and looked at his watch. 4:39. Just over two hours to get ready.

-:-

Sam enjoyed the movie. It was gory, unrealistic, and had next-to-nothing in the romance category. Which was good. Jess seemed to like it too, which was also good. She held on to his sweatshirt sleeve most of the time, but there was no actual hand-holding until midway through. Sam didn't mind. It was okay.

After, they went back to Jess' dorm, where Jess' roomate, Amanda, wiggled her eyebrows and mouthed 'nice catch' to Jess.

Sam smiled. He really did like Jess.

At eight, Amanda left, saying that she was sure that Jess and Sam had 'important things to get done.' As she left, she made a slightly obscene hand gesture.

Sam's stomach clenched slightly at that, but Jess just laughed and said that Amanda was only joking. Amanda joked a lot, mostly innuendos.

So Sam and Jess studied for Psych, and maybe they sat just a little closer than they would have otherwise.

-:-

February 12th, 2004

Valentine's day was two days away. Their first real Valentine's Day, because last year Jess had to go to a funeral for her great-aunt.

Sam let that thought sink in as he tried to concentrate on his calc. He knew he was supposed to feel...something. Every time someone brought up about Valentine's day, Jess would smile flirtatiously and wink at Sam. And Sam would smile back, easily masking by now the nervous tingle he got.

He finished calc and moved on to English, cracking open his laptop.

It whirred and hummed a bit, then turned on. He opened the Internet.

Almost immediately, a popup ad bombarded him with images. "How to tell what he's planning this Valentine's Day," it read, with a picture of a couple.

Sam finally snapped, shutting off the laptop and leaning back across the bed. Unshed tears pricked his eyes, and he pulled out his phone.

He swallowed, and dialed Jess' number before he lost his nerve.

"Hi! This is Jess, who-"

"Hey, Jess..." Sam knew his voice sounded strained, but he couldn't help it.

"Sam! What's up? ...Are you okay?"

Sam clenched his jaw. "I- I don't think this is going to work out," he spewed out, the words tumbling from his mouth.

There was a short silence. "What do you mean?"

"I- it's hard to explain. It's nothing you did, it isn't your fault at all."

"Can we talk about this?" Jess asked, managing to sound hurt, angry, and concerned all at the same time.

"Yeah, okay," Sam mumbled. "I'll meet you at Arby's tomorrow at one."

It was their joke- Arby's at one. Jess said that it would work, and she hung up. Sam sat back down, feeling even worse than before.

What was wrong with him? Why couldn't he be like normal people? Instead, he was just...some robot, a freak. Everyone wanted love from someone. Just not Sam. Sure, he loved his brother, and his friends, and yeah, Jess, but it was all the same love. All...purely friend-love, maybe stronger with Jess, but nothing like Dean had described to him so many times. Sam didn't want passionate make-out sessions. Holding hands, great. Kisses? Sure. But that was it.

Sam tried. He did. But he was just doomed to be that way, and he hated it. Everyone wanted a partner. It was fun. It was what made people human, according to all the sci-fi novels and everything.

It was what made Sam want to puke.

Thankful that his roomate was out, Sam lay on his bed and stared at the ceiling, a tear or two leaking out.

Why was he so damn broken?

-:-

The next day, at Arby's, they sat at their usual table. Only one thing was different. Usually, they sat side by side. Now, they sat facing each other.

"So, Sam...what's up?" Jess ventured.

"Look, Jess...I can't. I can't lie anymore, to anyone."

Jess' eyebrows shot up. "Are...are you cheating on me?"

"No! No, it's not like that." Sam laughed humorlessly at the irony. "It's more the opposite. I..." he bowed his head. "I can't...be a good boyfriend. I can't make you happy."

Jess stared in shock. "What do you mean? Sam, you already make me happy."

"I don't want sex!" Sam snapped, feeling his face blush. "Not on Valentine's Day, not ever. I- I'm broken. Some chemical inbalance or something," he trailed off, slouching into his seat.

Jess blinked. "Why didn't you just tell me you're asexual?"

"I'm not a plant. This isn't a joke, Jess."

"No, dimwit. Not a plant. Someone who isn't interested. I learned about it in Humanities. It's a real thing. You aren't broken, Sam." She reached out a hand and placed it on top of Sam's. "Hey, look. If this is what that phone call was about, you need to calm down. I'm not going anywhere."

Sam nodded tightly, reeling a little. It existed.

"Okay. Now, I'm craving some curly fries."

-:-

February 14th

Jess snuggled up next to Sam, and he smiled. Curled up on the couch, watching Saw (it had become a regular thing, watching horror movies)- Sam couldn't think of a better Valentine's Day.

A/N 2: Well, it wasn't the most fabulous thing you've ever read, I know, but hopefully it wasn't too bad. If you liked it, mind giving a review? Because that'd be awesome...I live off of reviews...

thanks so much for giving this a shot. Fluff is awesome, no? I needed a break from the angst of my other stories (total shameless self promotion: go check them out!). Have a super day, you rock.

-Jaq