Before I Sleep

Chapter 56

She took the time to find somewhere to wash her face and comb through her hair. The last thing she needed to do was to frighten him even more. She tried to tell herself she wasn't really stalling, waiting for the steroids to kick in, praying to see him looking better.

Who am I kidding? I'm terrified, and I don't think I can stand to watch him struggle for every single breath. God, Spence, how did you do it for me?

Ten minutes, and she was done. JJ pushed aside any thought of stalling further. She may not have wanted to see Spence struggling, but she also didn't want him going through it alone.

Suck it up, JJ. I thought you were working on hardening your exterior. Her conscience chided her.

Maybe I am. But I'm not there yet. Not by a long shot. And, besides, who says that a hardened exterior is a good thing? She argued back. I keep thinking I need to be like Morgan, because I know I can't do what Spence does. But maybe that's not right. Maybe the only person I need to be is….me.

Conscious of her ability to do so, JJ took a deep breath and headed back out to the waiting room. With a brief nod to Rossi, who winked his support to her, she walked down the hallway and knocked softly on the door to Reid's room.

"Spence?" The door wasn't latched, so she pushed it open. "Spence, it's me. It's JJ."

The door opened all the way, and there he was. He looked worlds better than he had hunched over in the SUV. A mask covered his mouth, delivering oxygen and aerosolized medication at the same time. The oxygen must have been doing its job, because his lips were pink again. But they matched the skin of his face, reminding JJ that he'd also suffered a superficial burn. He probably hadn't heard her enter over the hum of machinery, but he did see her in his peripheral vision.

JJ forced her mouth into a smile. "Hey."

As weary as he was, he smiled behind his mask. Then he lifted it to exhale, "Hi."

JJ moved next to the bed and stroked Reid's upper arm. "How are you feeling? No, nevermind. Don't talk."

He did anyway, lifting the mask once again. "Better. A little." The mask went back in place.

She moved her fingers to his cheek, but held them away. "Does you face hurt?"

To show her, he raised his hand and moved hers to cup his chin, shaking his head and smiling.

No. Not anymore. Not for this.

He used his eyes to direct her to the chair behind her. She obediently pulled it over to his bedside, and sat beside him. Then they just sat, looking at one another, glad for life and breath.

After a while, and despite her not daring to hope for it, Reid's respiratory rate seemed to slow, and his facial features began to relax. She could tell he felt it when he lifted his mask once again.

"Not your fault."

JJ closed her eyes and shook her head. "That's why you wanted to see me? To tell me it wasn't my fault?"

His return gaze was steady. Yes. It's not.

"For your information, Rossi already gave me the talk. But, Spence…. if you hadn't…."

He shook his head firmly, and lifted the mask once again. "No. My choice."

That was met with a sad smile. "Rossi says you didn't have a choice."

Apparently that one hit home because it seemed to set him back a bit, considering. Considering both the fact of it and that it meant Rossi had felt a need to comfort JJ, confirming Reid's suspicion on how she'd reacted to the whole thing.

Then he lifted the mask once again.

"Rossi's a wise man."

She smiled. "That, he is."

A soft knock on the door announced Kimura's arrival.

"Dr. Reid, you're looking more comfortable." She was studying his monitors as she spoke.

He lifted the mask again. "I feel better. At least I can breathe."

Kimura, apparently satisfied with the numbers on the machines, reached for Reid's mask, and slipped the elastic over his head.

"Let's give you a little trial off this, shall we?"

JJ was amazed. "That's it? He's better already?"

Kimura smiled. "Steroids are pretty fast-acting, and they're pretty powerful. But he can't stay on them forever. We'll see how he fares with them and then,.." turning to look at Reid directly, "we'll have to give him a trial off them."

Freed of the mask, Reid wasn't quite ready to spout his usual stream of facts. But he could manage a few.

"Steroids decrease inflammation, which decreases swelling. So, the insides of my airways are wider now, making it easier to breathe. But, if the steroids wear off before the reaction does…."

JJ got it. "You'll be back to scaring me to death."

Both Reid and Kimura laughed, with the doctor taking it upon herself to respond.

"It should never get as bad as it was before. Dr. Reid's lungs were sensitized by the pneumonia. And the capsaicin was sprayed directly at his airway. In combination, it could have been disastrous. But you got him here in time, and the treatment should keep things under control. As it wears off, there may be a little reexacerbation, but nothing should be like it was before."

Both BAU agents were relieved to hear that. As one, they remarked, "Thank God!"

Kimura laughed again. "This may sound strange to you, but I used to find it relaxing to come to work. It was a part of my life where I felt in control. That is, until I met the BAU."

Reid smiled apologetically. "Sorry. I have this bad habit…."

"Of getting into trouble. Yes, so I've heard. I believe Agent Morgan was the first one to explain that to me, several years ago."

Reid was put out. "The first?"

Kimura gave him a knowing smile. "You'd be surprised at the things I hear."

Thank you, God. I was so afraid for him. For me.

Her vehicle seemed to know its own way as it weaved through the streets toward the LaMontagne home. That was a good thing, because JJ was too distracted to pay attention to so rote a task as driving.

I don't care what anyone says. It has to mean something that this happened because he risked his life for me. I know there's no fault to be assigned….well, except to the mole, maybe. But, still, it means something. Another human being valued me so much….who I am, who I might become….to decide to take the chance that his own life would end, to preserve mine.

The very idea of it was so overwhelming that it was another three blocks before she could even internally articulate another thought.

I don't know what to do with that. I mean, I said I would do anything to save Spence. But, if it had come down to it….would I have? Or would I have reasoned that Henry needs me, or Will? God knows, Spence would have had my head if I'd done anything that might have hurt Henry, especially if I was doing it for him. He'd have kicked me out of there, and given himself up.

Four blocks this time.

It's not really a death wish. That's what I used to be afraid of, for him. It's more that he thinks our lives are more important than his. But I can't imagine he thinks we have more to offer. He knows how smart he is. He knows what he can give. No, it's not that. It's that he sees how much we love each other, in our family. It's not something he ever had, and he sees it as the ultimate point. Loving one another. That's why he was willing to sacrifice himself. So Henry could still have love in his life.

Another block, and she was pulling into her own driveway, not at all certain she was ready to tell her husband about her day.

I'm just going to tell him I'm tired, and go to bed.

Two days later, and the world was a different place. That's how it seemed to JJ as she drove to the hospital to bring her best friend home.

I hope Kimura's right. I hope there's not lasting damage. I don't know that they'd let him stay as a field agent if they didn't think he could keep up. Nor me, either.

As it was, they were both scheduled to have pulmonary function tests six weeks from now. Those would be the deciding factor if either had suffered sufficient compromise to keep them out of the field. For now, Reid would manage his twitchy lungs with inhalers, and JJ would let hers continue to heal on their own.

At least she was right about those steroids. Those things are powerful!

Kimura had explained that the steroids, while effective, had to be used wisely.

"They stop the reaction, which is good. But they do it by blunting the immune response. Which, if there is any lingering hantavirus anywhere in Dr. Reid's body, is bad."

It was why she'd insisted she watch him an additional forty-eight hours in the hospital after Reid had experienced his rapid turn around. Today, apparently, Kimura was satisfied, and Reid would be released.

JJ parked the car and made her way through the hospital to what had become an all-too-familiar corridor. She waved to Carla, Reid's nurse, as she passed the nursing station.

Carla laughed. "Dr. Reid's accumulating quite the little posse in there."

JJ returned a quizzical look as she continued down and knocked to announce her arrival. She took a step backward as she realized there were already several women in the room.

"Agent Jareau, hello," said Linda Kimura, while Reid waved his own greeting.

The other woman looked from JJ to Reid, and back again. Her features were familiar to JJ, but she couldn't quite place them….until Reid made the introductions.

"Jennifer Jareau, meet Stephanie Rowe. Stephanie, meet JJ. We work together…and she's my best friend."

Stephanie! JJ noticed when a look of recognition entered Stephanie's eyes. She walked across the room and shook the other woman's hand. "It's nice to meet you."

Stephanie smiled. "Same here. From what I gather, you're responsible for me being here."

That flustered the blonde BAU agent. "Well….I….not really…maybe."

Kimura apparently hadn't been made privy to the whole thing. The look on her face told the others she was flummoxed.

"What…" she started, but then she thought better of it. "No, never mind. You FBI agents have already given me more than I can handle."

All three of the others laughed, although JJ was still looking a bit embarrassed. Stephanie explained to Kimura how she and Reid had come to meet, at which Kimura turned surprised eyes to JJ.

"You posted his profile?" Thinking that the complex relationship between the two had even more layers than she'd realized.

"Guilty. Well…with a little help from Garcia." Prompting an 'aha' reaction from Kimura.

Stephanie was intrigued. "Which one of you wrote his profile? Because that's what got me. My friends had been sending a bunch of these along, but….when I saw what you'd written, I thought, 'I want to meet this guy, who's inspired so much love and loyalty from his best friend.'"

Initially embarrassed, JJ felt her love and loyalty returned when her best friend squeezed her hand, out of sight of the others.

Aloud, she remarked, "I came to pick Spence up, but I didn't know that you were planning to do it." Wondering what would become of the rest of her plans for this day.

"Oh, I'm not here to bring Spencer home. I have to get to a rehearsal in about…" She checked her watch, "oh, I need to get going. Spencer, Linda, I'll talk to both of you soon?" Turning to JJ, she added, "It was so nice to meet you. Thanks for connecting me with Spencer."

"Nice to meet you, too." You're welcome. I think. JJ was surprised to feel a twinge of jealousy as she watched Stephanie exit the room. Maybe I'm just being protective. Yes, that's it. Protective.

When Stephanie had gone, Reid explained. "I was telling Dr. Kimura….Linda….about the mentorship program that Stephanie's involved with. I've been thinking that I need to do something more for the kids, you know? Something besides the chess, although I'll definitely keep that up. But I was thinking I might be able to set up something with the FBI, like with outreach or with the community liaisons. We could mentor in the schools, or maybe bring kids in. It will give them something productive to do with their time, and maybe make them less wary of law enforcement…and vice versa. We could maybe pilot something here in DC and, if it works, our branch offices could do it, all around the country."

Kimura added on. "It sounded like a great idea to me, and I thought we might be able to work something out with NIH as well. I think the medical schools already have something similar, but the federal agencies don't."

Reid took it back. "So I called Stephanie and invited her to come and tell us both how she got the orchestra involved with it. She's going to help us get our pieces together."

That's why she was here. Oh.

"It's a great idea, Spence. I'll bet Will could get Metro PD involved as well, if they're not already. And I'll help in any way that I can. I still have some of my community liaison genes in me."

He smiled. "I was counting on that."

JJ debated asking what she really wanted to know, uncharacteristically reticent to do so. Go for it, liaison!

"So, are you going to see Stephanie again? I mean, outside of meeting about the mentorships?"

He nodded. "Yep. She's got a concert on Saturday, at the Kennedy Center. She's given me four tickets. Do you and Will want to come?"

Why not? "I'll see if we can get a sitter."

Reid then turned to Kimura. "How about you, Dr…Linda? Would you like to join us?"

Kimura was a music aficionado, as Reid had come to know. "I would love it."

"All right, then. It's a date, for all of us."

As Kimura went over discharge instructions with Reid, JJ thought, 'This is getting very complicated and confusing. But I guess I should have expected nothing less. You are, after all, Spencer Reid.'

"Are you sure you're okay with this? I mean, it doesn't have to be for long, if you're tired. It's just that he's been asking about you, and he heard me telling Will that you were back in the hospital, and…"

She took her eyes off the road for only a second, to read his expression.

"It's fine, JJ. It will be good for me. Nothing ever makes me feel as good as being with Henry does."

"I think the feeling is mutual, Spence. He had to go ahead and build the car with Will, but he kept talking about how he couldn't wait for you to see it."

That could be a good thing, or a bad thing, thought Reid.

"Was Will okay with it?"

"He was fine. He was glad they got a chance to do it together, but he understands that Henry wants to involve you, too. In fact, he even told Henry they should ask you for tips about how to make it go faster."

JJ had been grateful to Will for his very obvious effort to be conciliatory about the relationship between Henry and Reid. She'd taken it as a sign that he was in it for the long haul, planning to do what he could to keep his family together.

Reid read between the lines as well. Thank God. Aloud, he said, "I'm sure they've got a great one. But I do remember some of the tweaks I made in my own, back when I was in the derby. I'll take a look at it."

JJ smiled. "I'm sure you will."

"Uncle Spence!"

Reid bent to meet Henry, not sure he was quite up to lifting the little boy just yet. "Henry!" The two hugged each other.

"Uncle Spence, you gotta see it. Me and Daddy made it, and it's so fast!" Henry was already tugging at Reid's hand, bringing him to the backyard.

Outside, Will was sanding an area of the little pinewood car. "Spencer…it's good to see you up and about. Cher said you were pretty sick a couple days ago."

Reid nodded. "I'm feeling much better, thanks." He indicated the car with a nod of his head. "Is this it, Henry? That's a remarkable looking vehicle."

Henry grinned, looking back and forth between his father and his godfather. "Me and Daddy made it. Wanna see how fast it is?"

Without waiting for an answer, Henry put the car on the patio cement and gave it a good push.

"Wow, little man! That's pretty impressive!"

Henry was visibly pleased. But he was also a man who knew how to take advantage of a situation.

"Do you know how to make it go faster, Uncle Spence? Mommy says you use fists to do it."

Reid chuckled. "Do you mean physics? Well, all that means is that we need to decrease wind resistance. And it looks like your dad already figured it out. He was sanding in just the right spot."

If Will could be conciliatory, so could Reid. "And then I'll bet he's going to sand here…and here….." Pointing to two more areas. "And then it will be the fastest car in the derby."

"Yay! What time is it, Dad? Is it time to go yet?"

Will smiled as he looked at both Reid and Henry. "In a few minutes, Buddy. Just enough time for me to finish that sanding that your Uncle Spence was talking about."

"You wanna come, Uncle Spence?"

He hated to disappoint his godson, but Reid wasn't up to it. And he wasn't about to interfere in the father/son activity.

"Sorry, Henry. Doctor's orders. Maybe next time."

Well, if the doctor ordered it… "Okay, Uncle Spence. Can we take a video, Daddy?"

"Sure thing, little man. We'll show everybody when we get home."

'Everybody' meant they were awaiting the arrival of Morgan and Garcia. The two were bringing pizza, and then would bring Reid home. But they weren't due for another hour.

JJ and Reid took advantage of the late afternoon warmth outside. Soon enough it would be fall, and the late days would bring dark, and cold. But, for now, there was still comfort to be found on the loveseat on the patio.

As they sat together, quietly enjoying the silence, JJ was struck by the sense of change in the air.

It's not just the weather. It's us. These past few weeks have been….intense, I guess. We've been closer than we've ever been. Maybe closer than we'll ever be again.

Because she knew something had to change. If Will could work on their relationship, so could she. It didn't mean she wouldn't have Reid in her life. It didn't mean she wouldn't always love him, in one way or another. But it meant it couldn't be as it had been….not as it had been in recent weeks, anyway.

She felt the impending change, and she knew she had to tell him. Now.

JJ shifted in her seat to look at him. "Spence? I…. there's something I want to say to you. If it's okay…"

He squinted his lack of understanding. "You know you can say anything to me, JJ."

She nodded. "I know. It's just….. things are changing. I can feel it." Will. Stephanie. Kimura. "And there's just something I wanted you to know."

His raised brows and patient eyes encouraged her to continue.

"All right. It's just this…." She looked quickly away, and then back again.

"I love you, Spencer Reid. You've made me a different person, for which I am grateful beyond what I can ever tell you."

When he didn't seem to understand, she added, "Don't you remember that girl you met ten years ago? The one who didn't let anyone in? The one who could decimate a whole crowd of reporters with a look?"

He'd smiled at her first few sentences, but gave her his own look at the last. The kind of look that said, "And you would be different now…..how?"

So JJ laughed. "I know. I can still stare down with the best of them. But…. Spence, I mean it. You changed me. I didn't even know it was happening, at first. I thought you were just another guy…."

Again, a look, this time of disbelief. When he'd joined the BAU, Spencer Reid had been anything but 'just another guy'. She reacted to him.

"Well, okay, not just another guy, but….you know what I mean. I didn't pay that much attention, at first. I was all business, all the time. And no," she laughed at him," you don't have to give me another 'look'. I know I can still be that way."

He smiled at her. "Can?"

"Stop. I'm much better now. And it's largely because of you. Because you were this…..I don't know….you were a duckling, I guess. Imprinting on Gideon. And you were so…..not exactly innocent…..I know you'd already been through a lot…..but….I guess you almost seemed removed from the world. Not sheltered, not protected. There was always a sense about you, that you'd been anything but protected. There was a sense that you'd had to deal with some things that someone your age shouldn't have had to deal with. But you also seemed removed from it. Like you didn't quite know what to make of the world…..or, the social world, anyway."

He hadn't quite gotten past the first part of what she'd said. "I was a duckling?"

She stared at him, trying to decide if she should say it or not. Decided he could handle it. "Yes, a duckling. Just like the one who turned out to be a swan."

He was mock-horrified. "The ugly duckling?"

Now she laughed, sure he wasn't actually offended. "Yes. The ugly duckling. Don't you remember those glasses? And that haircut?"

He made a show of looking down his front. "And the sweater vests?" Pointing at the one he was wearing.

"Touche. I guess not everything has changed."

"I didn't change…or did I?"

"You did. I did, too. I was pretty young myself, ten years ago. Maybe a little more socialized, but I hadn't seen all that much of the world. So, maybe that was it. Maybe we bonded because we both needed something…and someone….to hold on to. Especially with what we were seeing all the time."

"That's for sure."

"But I was afraid Gideon…..well, he always seemed so driven….I was afraid he wouldn't really be looking out for you."

The protégé still felt a need to defend his mentor. "He wouldn't have let anything happen to me."

She wasn't about to counter him, it wasn't the point of this conversation. But, apparently, he was unaware of Gideon's role in setting Tobias Henkel's alter off, when he'd nearly killed Reid.

"Well, anyway….we've both changed. And all I wanted to say was that I'm so glad we connected. That we found each other. That I let you in. I can't imagine my life without you in it. And not just because you saved me. Of course, I'm grateful for that. But I already felt that way, even before. Because…I don't know…because my life is so much richer for it."

He was looking at her intently, his eyes covered with a film of liquid. When she'd started, he hadn't understood. Not why she'd chosen now, nor the urgency of it. But he understood what she was saying, because he felt the same way. And he was coming to understand why she was saying it. It might not be something they could say to one another again.

He swallowed, but still barely had control of his voice. "You know I feel the same way. I just….I can't imagine my life without you in it. And Henry! I never, not in a million years, thought I'd have a Henry in my life. And now I can't even conceive of a time without him."

She smiled. "He does know how to fill a room….and a life."

She reached for Reid's hands and took both of them in hers.

"You'll always have us, Spence. And maybe you'll have your own Henry one day. Maybe Stephanie…"

He shook her off. "I told you….I'm not looking for anything. Not right now. Stephanie is a friend. And a new one, at that."

"Okay. Still. Whether it's Stephanie, or not. Maybe someone else. You'll have other relationships, Spence. And I hope there are some children out there who will be lucky enough to call you 'Dad'. All I wanted to say was that, no matter…you'll always have us. You'll always have me. If I've learned nothing else from the past few weeks, it's that it's important to say these things while I can."

He lifted each of her hands to his lips in succession, and kissed the backs of them.

"I'm glad you did. But you know you didn't have to. I already knew. That's what happens with an AC."

She smiled at him again. "My anam cara. My soul friend. That I should be so lucky…."

She let go of his hands and put her arms around him. He pulled her close, and whispered into her ear.

"No such thing as luck. It was meant to be. And, for the record….I love you too, Jennifer Jareau.

They met Morgan and Garcia at the door. Reid, whose appetite was stimulated by the steroids, was disappointed to see them empty-handed.

"I thought you were bringing pizza."

Morgan waited until Reid had extracted himself from Garcia, and then gave his little brother a man-hug and a pat on the back.

"Rossi said pizza was inappropriate for a celebration. So he's sending….." Morgan nodded his head in the direction past Reid's shoulder, where a gourmet food truck was pulling in front of JJ's home.

"They have anything you want, my sweet junior G man genius agent..." Garcia hadn't seen Reid since she'd heard his gasping for air over her commlink, and she could be nothing but effusive.

"Wow!" Reid remarked. I hope they don't have spinach.

They would wait for Henry and Will to return before they sat down to eat, so Morgan took the opportunity to fill them all in.

"Hotch and Rossi are going with Cruz. They thought it would be a show of respect for the office, even if the bastard holding it deserves a lot less."

"So…Pickering? I don't think we ever met him, did we? But I remember Rossi wasn't happy with him after that meeting he and Hotch went to."

"Pickering. Second in command to Walker. How does that even happen?" JJ still hadn't gotten over the news.

Morgan had a ready answer. "Government wonk who was only into power, no matter which side he had to work on. So, if he couldn't get to be the head of DHS, he would see to it that the organization….maybe the country…would be taken down."

Reid asked quietly. "What about Ed Barr?" The man who'd very nearly killed him.

Morgan sighed. "That's a sad case. Hirsch, too. I can't imagine being betrayed by someone on my own team."

Garcia was right with him. "Oh, my God, I can't either."

"What happened with him, Morgan?" asked JJ.

"Rossi met up with Hirsch to finish the interrogation. It turns out the guy has six kids, two of them in college, and a load of bills piling up. So he went for some easy money."

JJ wasn't all that inclined to be forgiving. "So he decided to try to kill two FBI agents? People he knew?"

"That's not clear. He'd done some 'work' for Pickering before, so he didn't exactly have clean hands. But he was carrying the pepper spray so he wouldn't have to use the gun. He pulled the trigger when he saw Hotch go for his own gun."

Reid reflected quietly. "And he couldn't have known how my lungs would react to the pepper spray."

JJ wasn't placated. "It doesn't matter, Spence. He shouldn't have been there, and he shouldn't have been in the position where he knew he might end up hurting one or both of you."

Reid put a hand on her arm to calm her. "That's true. But…. I talked to Hotch about it yesterday. We're both going to ask the court to be lenient. He'll still pay a price. I don't think there's any way around that. But neither of us want his kids to be without a father any longer than necessary."

"Hmph!" Garcia was underwhelmed. "Some father!"

Morgan had already spoken with Hotch and Rossi. "According to Sid Hirsch, he usually is. The family has had a few setbacks, and he did the wrong thing trying to get money to fix them. So, he'll pay the price, and so will they, for a while. But he'll rehabilitate. Hirsch is pretty confident about that."

"Poor Sid," sympathized JJ. "For a DHS agent, he seems like a nice guy. I imagine this has been awfully tough on him."

Morgan nodded. "Rossi's bonded with him a bit. I think they're both going out for some single malt scotch and cigars after the hearing."

They were still laughing at the image when Will and Henry returned home.

"We won, Uncle Spence! We were the fastest car in the Tigers!"

"That's great, Henry! Congratulations!"

"Thanks! Mom, what's for dinner? I'm starving!"

JJ explained about the truck.

"Anything I want? Anything?"

"Mm-hmm."

"Okay...can I have a hot dog and mac 'n cheese, and a brownie, and ice cream?"

Nary a vegetable to be found.

JJ thought it over. "Okay….just this once, since it's a party. Spence? You're the guest of honor. What would you like?"

"Make that two."

They'd made an early night of it, and Reid was deposited into his apartment before it was quite fully dark outside. He'd been longing for the familiarity of his old routine, so he changed into a nice, soft old tee shirt, and the shorts he'd told Morgan he didn't own, and settled into his reading chair with his most current intellectual pursuit. But his mind wouldn't allow him to focus on the words before him.

Instead, it kept replaying this afternoon's conversation with JJ. And her holding on to him a few days ago, keeping him alive. And his doing the same for her, just two weeks before. And all of the countless times they'd been there for each other over the years. The shared cups of coffee, and tea. The occasional shot of whiskey. The sincere, earnest sharings on the plane, and the joking interactions interspersed with them. The games of poker, even the rare game of chess, as he'd tried to teach her. Touching Henry, for the first time, through her abdomen. And the second time, when she'd made his status in her family official.

We'll always be connected. I understand that it has to change. Everything does. But some things are constant. Some things are the center of gravity around which you live your life.

Across the miles, JJ was sitting up with a cup of tea, while Will and Henry went through the bedtime routine. Her thoughts had also gone to the past…..and the present….and the future.

We'll always be close. That's what anam cara means, I think. Things may change. We won't always work together. Maybe Spence will find that someone that he needs in his life. And, God, I hope he has children. Our lives will go on, and they may lead us apart. But I don't think we'll ever forget.

Unknown to the other, each contemplated that day, far in the distant future, please God, when….even if they'd been separated for years, even if they hadn't kept that promise to remain in touch…..even if they went full days, and weeks, without thinking of one another…when somehow, without explanation, they would know. They would know that the world had changed, irrevocably. Immutably. Permanently. Because their anam cara was no longer in it.

And they would remember, all over again. And they would smile. And they would cry. And they would reach deep inside, and find them again, within.

FINIS

A.N. My longest story to date. I never expected it to last a full season, but it did. Some of you may be disappointed with how things ended between Reid and JJ, especially if you didn't heed prior author's notes. It's been suggested that I write an 'alternate ending', but that doesn't feel quite right. If anything, I may follow Spygoose314's suggestion of a sequel. If so, all bets are off, and I will make no more promises to stick with canon. It was hard enough to do it once!

The ending of this story was written first. As I wrote the rest of the story, without my even knowing it was happening, a friend received a terminal diagnosis. This friend isn't, to me, quite the same as Spence and JJ are to each other. But he's someone whose presence in the world has always made me a little happier to be in it at the same time. A little more secure, a little more certain that life was a worthwhile adventure. The day he told me of his illness wasn't the first time I'd thought that my world would be lesser without him in it. But learning of the very real possibility of his loss made me wonder if I have lived a life that would serve that purpose for someone else. And I simply don't know the answer. I don't know that anyone ever does.