(Ellie's Point of View)

2052

I remember.

I remember it all.

Some more than I'd care to, and others so little that I wish I had more capacity to fit it all in. As soon as I felt myself grow closer to Joel, at the start of our journey, I recall a faint, sick feeling that had started in my stomach, as a reminder of his age. It was inevitable to both of us that some day, I would have to carry on alone without his guidance. Over the years, that sick feeling only increased inside me, and although I know he felt it too (possibly more strongly than me) I did my best to never express to him how terrified I actually was to live without him.

I had promised him, so very long ago, that no matter what, I'd push on and chase happiness to the best of my ability.

Honestly, I was lucky...

Lucky that we had been given so many good years, so that he could follow me into adulthood. Lucky that he had given me the greatest possible gift imaginable in our son and allowing me to be a mother...at least, through Holden, a part of Joel was still here with me in real life.

The man I had grown to love had given me the closest thing to normalcy that I could ever be allowed to experience: a family, a sense of kinship, a community, and, of course, love.

I laugh through my tears when I consider our son: he seemed to have my imaginative, hyperactive qualities, assuming he was in a good mood, and he certainly had my eyes. Yet, Joel's brow, tense jaw, and hair color had luckily been transferred to him through genetics...as well as his taciturn, and sometimes brooding attitude, and a rather stoic, emotionless response whenever something truly bothered him to his core.

My boy...our boy, was formidable and steeled considering his age, to say the least. It did not bother me at all, as he had formed into that on his own accord, but it seemed to gnaw at Joel, especially toward the end...

At times, I was thankful for this, because Holden now served as my rock, and consistently brought me down to Earth whenever I felt the grief spread inside me, although I felt it was a burden to a boy so young. After all, I was by no means dependent on him, and I certainly was not depressed, I simply missed Joel and all that he stood for...but even that seemed to be too heavy in Holden's eyes. Any mention of him had Holden on edge, holding his breath, fists balled, a mirror image of his father, and I came to realize that I was not even allowed to muse about our time together.

Mom, you gotta get over it. We don't have a choice.

Holden was so much like Joel...I think it bothered Joel to know that our son had accidentally developed most of his habits. He used to tell me all the time that he wanted our boy to be happier than him, capable of expressing his emotions fully, and without hesitation. Not that there was anything wrong with that, I mean, I had come to love Joel with that...but, to Joel, it was his own personal flaw, and it bothered him more than he would admit that Holden had formed into the monster he saw himself to be.

I know Holden was, and still is, deeply bothered by Joel's death. Much more so than me, of course, because I have allowed myself to grieve and move on. For my son, however, the only way he knew how to deal with it was with absolute avoidance...I urged him to open up, but he refused, and as I had learned with Joel long ago, I simply let him brood until he was ready to open.

It is completely logical for Holden to be so upset...of course he would be... they were close, as parents should be to their children. Yet, I think now that it's just the two of us, he feels some sort of responsibility to take care of me...though I am not sure why an eleven year-old boy would take on such a burden without being led on. I know that I have not done anything to suggest that...and I am positive Joel never did, but perhaps Holden is doing his best to imitate his father's behavior.

I remember when I found out he was sick...

Last winter...that terrible winter, after we had all gotten the flu, I recall going downstairs to make some coffee in the morning, when I accidentally stumbled upon Joel: he was bent over the sink, hacking his lungs away with his arm over his mouth to muffle the sound...and when he turned around to catch his breath against the counter, I saw his arm covered in red. In his apparent isolation, he looked down at his arm guiltily, and shook his head, before his down-turned eyes looked up to me at the steps.

There, on the staircase, I paused, a look of anger and terror on my face. Joel's eyes widened, as he knew he had been caught, and a feeling of betrayal washed over me.

"How long has this been going on?" I accosted in a low voice, and he frowned, and crossed his arms.

"I dunno..." he simply replied with a shake of his head, bowed so that he would not have to face me.

"How long?" I asked again, and continued to walk toward him, no hint of anger in my voice, but rather a demand to be told the truth.

Eventually, he swallowed hard, and looked up into my eyes. The wrinkles around them had increased, though he still fully maintained that rugged, attractive look...and his hair was now more grey than dark brown.

"Few weeks," he simply mumbled, before he looked down again.

"We need to tell Cyrus..." I replied, deep in thought. He, too, had aged dramatically, and was some years older than Joel. We were all always glad to have him around, full of medical expertise, though he now trained two younger individuals in town to take over for him, when he too would be met with an end.

"We ain't tellin' anyone," Joel warned, eyes severe, and glared at me, as though it was a request for me to respect his wishes.

"Joel..." I intended to scold, but my voice was so full of emotion that it came out as a whispered plea. For a moment, I nearly felt tears in my eyes, but I swallowed hard to push them away, as I did not want to guilt him.

"There ain't gonna be anything that anyone can do for me, Ellie...I'm old...it's time," he simply said with a shrug, and although he tried to play if off, I could sense that he was in an attempt to soothe me.

"How do you know that? How do you know anything for sure? Shouldn't you at least put up a fight?" I began to bargain, and felt my voice get more loud, but he simply continued to shake his head.

"I...uh...I don't think this is somethin' penicillin can fix, baby," he replied softly, and chuckled to himself.

"You could still have so many good years, Joel...you don't know anything for sure," I continued in absolute denial.

"You might be right, but this is the beginning of the end, and there ain't nothin' we can do to stop that. You ain't gonna change my mind...I just, I don't want him to die with me," he said, and nodded toward the ceiling, where Holden slept upstairs.

"What are you saying?" I asked softly, as I saw tears well in his eyes.

"He ain't like you, Ellie...he ain't gonna deal with this well. I am worried about you, too, but you've always been strong. Holden...he's...he's too much like me," he began, and choked off at the end, as he took a deep breath to steel himself.

"He's not going to deal with it well, at first...but I'm sure he'll come to accept it. He won't have a choice..." I mused to myself, deep in thought.

"It's gonna take a hell of a long time. I don't want him knowin' I'm sick...he'll avoid me like the plague...and then after I'm gone he's gonna blame himself," he continued.

"He's a smart kid, Joel, I don't think he'll-"

"-he will blame himself, either way, but if he knows now, it's gonna be worse. I know he will Ellie...he's me. You should know that better than anyone," he stated, and looked more conflicted than I had ever seen him.

"I do..." I admitted with a nod, after a long moment of silence.

"I hated my father... he was a ragin' alcoholic that beat the piss outta my mother whenever it suited him. One day, when I was a kid, he just fell over dead...massive heart attack. Do you know I mourned that son of a bitch until I was a grown man? I didn't even like him...I cannot imagine how bad I would have felt if I had actually had a relationship with him, like Holden and I..." he explained, and I continued to listen intently, as I knew very well that he had a point.

"Children mourn their parents...Joel...I mean, we knew someday that this would happen...if this is even happening at all...don't blame yourself in the process," I tried to soothe as best I could.

"I did my best...we did our best...to raise him right. But...I just...never wanted him to act like me...I've tried so hard to get him to be like you, but I think he's watched me so much that he can't," he explained, which I knew to be true since the day he was born, but I could never understand why Joel took the matter so seriously.

"He is perfect just the way that he is...just like you are. Don't resent him for being like you, that isn't a bad thing," I defended my son, almost angry.

"I don't resent him for it, I just feel so fuckin' bad knowing that he's gonna experience the world the way I did. I wouldn't wanna wish that on anybody...he don't even know heartache yet, Ellie, but now I'm gonna be the one force it on him first. It ain't fuckin' fair for you, and it really ain't fuckin' fair for him, to watch me die. God damn it...it ain't fair," he rambled, with a sorrow that consumed him, and he glared at the floor.

"I don't want you focusing on that...Joel...I need you to focus on yourself right now. You need to always be present...I don't want him or I to have our last memories of you as someone who's so consumed that you're bitter at the world, " I urged, and looked for the next best solution. I was so helpless, that I could not even feel the sting of the sadness and grief just yet.

The last thing that any of us needed, was for him to be so broken about the circumstances that he was not even present for his last days...however long that could be...

"Ellie, I-"

"-stop. From now on...what I say goes, okay? I don't want you screwing up your time. We're going to enjoy you, until the end," I almost fought through tears, and realized that by now I fully agreed with him that the end was indeed near.

"What you say, goes?" he asked incredulously, and suddenly recalled the years ago that he had told the same thing to me.

A hint of a smile almost tugged at his lips, amidst the sadness, and I suddenly felt angry that he did not care about his own death, so much that he could find humor in a moment like this. Rather, he was fully consumed in how we would get on without him...my love for the man nearly busted out of my chest at that point, as though it wanted to chase after whatever was left of him.

"I'm gonna take care of you like you always took care of me," I promised, suddenly serious, and stared at him in the hope that perhaps my intensity could keep him with us for however long we needed him to be there.

"I know you will..." he mumbled sadly, distracted again.

I remember our last day together...

It was not the day he died...but it was the last time that he was fully conscious and able to talk with us. Tommy and Maria had already been inside the room to say their goodbyes, as we all knew it was only a matter of time.

Over the course of a few months, and with the change of winter, to spring, to summer (I recall the feeling of irony that I would watch him die, while the rest of the world came alive again) Joel went from simply coughing blood, to having fits of breathlessness, and had lost an almost scary amount of weight as his appetite decreased significantly, as well as his strength. Soon, he lost his ability to even support himself, and had been in the bed for nearly two weeks. Death stood at his bedside, like some ominous force, and threatened to steal him away from all of us.

Joel and I had discussed the night before that perhaps it would be a good time for Holden to say goodbye...Joel knew very well that his will and ability to live would vanish soon, and he felt certain that after he said whatever he needed to say, that he could slip away more easily. Some part of me felt myself almost unable to cope with the loss...watching someone die like this was so beyond anything I had ever seen, but I reminded myself when I needed it, that Joel was lucky to die naturally in this world.

There was never an easy way for me to describe what was happening to Holden...he knew his father's days were numbered, and yet ever since Joel had been confined to the bed, he had refused to go anywhere near the room, and would not even talk about him. It broke Joel's heart, but he understood...I found myself so angry with my son, for the first time, and nearly dragged him into the room after a rather intense fight between the two of us. Naturally, I felt terrible, but something about the stress of the situation, mixed with Holden's apathetic attitude toward Joel's last days...I just...could not hold back my wrath when he had tried to avoid seeing his father for the last time.

Joel's eyes perked up when we entered the room together: I had my hand on Holden's shoulder, and ushered him to the seat next to the bed. The look on his face was red, as he held his breath, probably scared that if his resolve broke, he would crumble in front of both of us.

"It's been a while since I've seen you," Joel accused, voice weak, but playfully as an introduction, and Holden simply shrugged his shoulders.

"I know. I'm sorry," he replied, voice robotic, not from lack of emotion, but rather having been so consumed by them that he could not say more without crumbling to pieces. Joel's eyes flashed to me, utter heartbreak in his eyes for our son, and swallowed hard.

"Listen...there ain't no easy way to do this..." he began, and Holden steeled further. There was a part of me that almost felt like an intruder as I watched the scene.

"Please don't," Holden pleaded, as he stared at his hands.

"Don't what?" Joel asked patiently, though he knew the answer.

"Don't...just don't..." he repeated. Suddenly, like something had snapped in the room, tears formed in his eyes, before he swallowed hard and furiously rubbed them away. "I'm sorry, Dad..." he added as an apology, and Joel looked like he had been slapped.

"How dare you apologize... feelin's ain't something that you're supposed to run from. You're fully allowed to cry as hard as you want. There ain't no shame in it. Why are you actin' like this?" Joel pressed, almost angry, but more because he knew better than anyone what his son was struggling with.

"Because..." Holden began.

"Because why?" Joel urged out of him.

"I've never seen you cry! I'm not supposed to do this...I'm supposed to be strong!" he yelled before his voice cracked, with tears that flooded back with a vengeance, and a trembling lip.

"I have failed you...so badly..." Joel choked, and in response to our son's tears, began to shake, before his eyes closed. Silent sobs wreaked his body, as the tears came down his face, and he shook his head in disappointment at himself.

"No, you haven't," Holden urged, but Joel refused to listen.

"All I ever wanted was your happiness...for you to be good and pure, like your mother. To feel things without guilt... somehow, you ended up like me instead. And I can't help but wonder where I went wrong...god damn...I tried so hard," he continued, guilt across his worn, tired face.

"Dad, stop," he urged.

"No! No. I ain't gonna stop. If you ain't learned anything from me, I need you to learn today that everyone feels, son, even me and you. Don't even consider livin' your life like this...you'll kill your spirit, like I did a long time ago. Don't...don't ruin that. Please, don't ruin that...life is gonna get you down, and it ain't gonna care about your feelin's sometimes, but you gotta realize that it's just the way of the world. Don't shut down, and push people away just because you feel miserable... empathy is what makes us human...you'll never, ever have to be alone...don't choose that kind of life for yourself..."

"But...it...it hurts," Holden sputtered, his sobs nearly hysterical in the way that children grieve, but Joel was thrilled for the purge of emotions, even though the sadness killed him inside, and he cried along with him, though much more composed than our son.

"I know that it hurts...I...I don't wanna say goodbye, son, you know that. I love you, so much...and I resent that I can't be around longer for you, but I'll never leave you. Not as long as there's breath in your lungs...I ain't ever really leavin' you. Do you understand?" Joel urged, his tears finally stopped, and Holden nodded furiously.

"Dad, but...but I love you, too. I don't know why you have to go?" he continued to ask pitifully, and I felt a knife rip through my being.

"Death is natural...it's peaceful, even. I won't suffer after I'm gone...you won't have to worry," Joel promised weakly.

"But, aren't you suffering now? That's what bothers me...I don't like to watch it happen," Holden accused.

The look on Joel's face said it all, that it was incredibly painful, and that he wanted death to come quickly now that he no longer had a choice. Yet, I hoped, for Holden's sake, that he did not have the ability to read Joel as well as I did.

"I'm sorry, son," Joel simply mumbled, tears in his eyes again.

It was as much of an admittance that he was willing to give. There was something in his eyes that I read to be too much for a dying man, and I felt it was my job to save his soul, as well as Holden's, as both of them were broken beyond repair on this night. It was a much needed conversation, however, and I felt relief that Holden had opened up before it was too late.

"Honey...your Dad's tired...give him a big hug, and remind him how much you love him. I need to speak with him privately, and then he'll need to rest," I led in, and Holden rose from the seat slowly, as he assessed Joel's features, and then hugged him softly for a long time.

It lasted, and lasted, and though Joel did not want it to end, I saw him finally open his eyes.

"You gotta let go, okay?" he said softly, into Holden's neck.

"I don't wanna let you go," Holden sobbed again, and Joel's expression twisted into something so pained, that not only had I never seen it, but it hurt me.

"You have to...I'll still be here in the morning. You can come and see me then...after you feel better. I promise you I won't leave before then...I swear," he urged, and slowly, albeit reluctantly, Holden let go, before he turned to me.

"Go ahead downstairs with your Uncle and Aunt..." I urged, and, with a final look at Joel, he closed the door behind him.

"God damn..." was all the Joel could say, and I smiled softly before I went to sit next to him.

"He's such a good kid...he didn't want to disappoint you," I stated the obvious sadly, and Joel nodded.

"The fact that he ever thought I'd be disappointed in him is what bothers me...I obviously never made that clear enough before," he said, and cringed at himself.

"You did, Joel, but that doesn't prevent him from feeling it..." I suggested lightly, and after a moment of deliberation, he nodded.

"I'm so fuckin' old, and so fuckin' tired...but I don't wanna leave. Not yet..." he explained.

"I know..." was all I could say, even though I knew it was a lie: he was in pain, and death was so close to take it all away.

"I didn't...prepare a speech for you, like a did for him. I know you wouldn't want that..." he began, and almost smiled.

"A speech? I didn't know that was preconceived," I admitted in surprise.

"You know I ain't the best with words..." he chuckled to himself. "Ellie...I, uh, I do have a question. But that's it...just a question..." he said.

"Go ahead," I began.

"Have I...made you happy, at least? I know things ain't always been easy, or perfect-" he started.

"-you have made my entire world, Joel. I don't have to tell you anything else," I said, ever truthful, and almost stern. After a moment, he looked into my eyes, and nodded.

"You're an amazing mother, Ellie...thought you should know that. You ain't gonna have a problem raising him," he said, and I almost flinched. That was something that I had always worried about, although I had never fully expressed that fear out loud.

"I just wonder...if it's going to be enough for him. You know...just having a mother. There might be things that only you could-" I began.

"-you will not have a problem. My mother raised me and Tommy after my father died, and I raised Sarah alone...you'll be fine."

"Maybe so...but your father wasn't a good man, and Sarah never knew her mother. It's bound to be a little different, knowing that he's going to miss your love in a way that I can't fill by myself..." I admitted, sadly, though I did not want to upset him.

I did not need advice, rather, I just needed to express myself.

The urge to say it, however, was extreme: my very best friend, lover, and partner would be gone in a matter of days, and if I did not share my insecurities now, I would never have the chance. Although I knew I would be okay after he was gone, as I did not have a choice, to contemplate a life without him, when he was all that I had ever really known, terrified me beyond belief.

"You're just worrying, like a good mother should...but I understand that you're scared. Hell, I'm scared too...I ain't ever really believed in anything, but should some sort of afterlife exist, I sure don't wanna have to own up to my actions," he admitted fearfully, and I was shocked.

"You're still the best man I've ever known, Joel..." I promised, and he looked at me doubtfully, always humble.

Suddenly, an almost glassy look appeared in his eyes.

"If I never get the chance to tell you again...I love you most. I know you always felt a out of place, because you weren't first, and because I was so much older...but, in all the women that ever came into my life...I have always loved you most. There's never been any comparison," he choked, moved by his own words, but I had never seen him act in such a way...it was almost dreamy, like his conscious mind was slipping away.

"Joel, stop..." I suddenly said, but he shook his head.

"No...I don't ever want you to doubt that when I'm gone," he insisted, but I was not sure if he knew the weight of his words.

"Joel...how could you say that?" I asked in disbelief, worried that what he had said was true. Immediately, he smiled.

"The ghost of Sarah's memory has been hauntin' you for a long time...and even though the love a man has for his children can't compare to the love he feels for anything else...I want...I need... you to know, that you did. You didn't just start out as a romantic interest, Ellie...and Sarah would kill me herself if I didn't tell you how I honestly felt."

"Joel..."

I felt very out of place, especially having understood the weight of his words, because I understood parenthood now. There was no way I could even compare Joel to Holden, although I loved Joel very much...

"Don't feel like you've robbed her of anything...she's standing right there, waitin' for me," he continued.

Is he...slipping away... delirious?

"It's good to see you, baby girl," he said to the far side of the room, but when I looked over, there was no one there.

Suddenly, I felt sick inside.

The words he had just used had meant the world to me, although I had felt them to be inappropriate, and I could not believe them fully...as they were the words of a dying man. The real Joel would never have said anything so risky like that...it was in that moment that I felt I had truly lost him. Long ago, I had read somewhere that people close to death had vivid hallucinations that only they could see, and this realization killed me inside. It was a sweet and innocent gesture, nonetheless, but it was so uncharacteristic...

Joel continued to gleam at the invisible girl in the corner, and I forced myself to get up from my seat, as I sobbed quietly, face twisted into some unrecognizable mass of skin and brackish tears, to kiss him on the forehead.

It was safe for me to cry, because I knew that he no longer had the capacity to judge me harshly, or worse, pity me.

"Goodnight, Joel..." I finally said, before I tearfully left the room and closed the door behind me. I felt the dark symbolism of my actions consume me; I sank to my knees in my own privacy, on the other side of the door, and felt the heaviness in my chest take over for a few minutes.

Somehow, our roles had changed significantly in the past few months, and yet this instance sealed the deal. Long ago, he had warned me how painful old age and death could be, but I had ignored him, consumed in other interests.

Yet, now as my heart broke for the man who no longer held a full grasp on this world and the next, I understood what he had meant.

I would never get the chance to talk to him again, although he lingered for a few days in a trance-like state, as he came and went, before suddenly he stopped having moments of consciousness all together.

We were all devastated, to see the strongest person all of us had ever known, be reduced to a child-like, pitiful being that had no grip on reality or his situation. It was still remarkable to me that this illness could do that...and that death did not discriminate against anyone; death had no clemency or consideration for the person or the life that had lived before...only, it took without thinking. Somehow, that never seemed fair to me.

Joel had experienced more hardship than anyone I had ever known, and had made the journey of a lifetime across the country with a reckless, fourteen year old girl who I no longer knew, and yet, he had gone on, and on, and on, like he did not fear mortality. Finally, at the end, when he truly had the most to live for, it was yanked away.

It was not fucking fair...but when I felt myself wallow in self-pity and agony, I reminded myself to get over it. I did not have a choice.

I will never really know how much truth was in his final promise to me, but I knew from experience, that it did not matter. I had loved him deeply, I always would, and he had loved me...to assess the real meaning of his words would involve hurt against all that came before, as it's not fair to compare, and so I decided to never think on it again.

We had given each other a happiness that we had never known, and we had saved each other.

We had built a life together, but now, it was over.

There was nothing more to consider.

Things happen, and we move on.

This was an ending out of nowhere...I did not want to drag it out. Mostly, I wanted us to feel the shock of Joel's demise just as much as Ellie and Holden would feel.

It was lung cancer, by the way...much like cancer takes people today, where one minute you're the healthiest person in the room, and then after a sudden noticeable change, it's revealed that you only have months to live. That kind of shock is painful...and I've watched quite a few fall to its clutches.

I've had this saved in my files for a very long time, debating how I should go about this...yet, every time I tried to change it, I could never allow myself to alter it too much...so I've decided to post this, as I realized this was as perfect a way that I could express Joel's end, without taking all of Ellie's life away, from my perspective.

Thank you all for coming along with me on the journey...I cannot thank you enough. This was the first massive, in depth story where I had to take quite a bit of creative license to tie the ends together, and originally, about a year ago, I had thought that it might not work (I hope that it has). The interest that you've shown the entire time in this proved to me that perhaps it was a good idea.

I've never been more attached to a fiction, and I almost did not want to let go, but I simply did not have a choice or a logical way to continue, and I knew that I had to end it this way from the very start. It's time.

If anyone is interested, I'll certainly write more TLOU fanfics in the future, but they'll mostly be oneshots. I do have a longer story in the works, but that could take months to iron out the issues and make it into something presentable, if I even choose to take it further.