A/N: This was originally titled "The Women". After hiatus, and after twisting this story around my fingertips in want, I decided it deserved more. The overall plot is essentially the same. If you've read this story before, you already know. But the dialogue, the details...they're all taking a different journey. I'm updating a few chapters at a time.

There are parts I can look back on and adore. Some chapters will change more than others. There are others parts I felt had been skewed that got away from me when I was younger. Things I was unsatisfied with, but desperately wanted to finish. I feel I cheapened it, in hindsight. Now, almost 5 years later, I like to do things the right way...for my own personal peace of mind.

Feel free to join me on the journey, if you'd like. If you're reading for the first time, I recommend NOT reading past the updated chapters until all have been completed.

***All updated chapters have an asterisk***

***Chapter 1: Lies and Promises***

Without even a blink, Joel's eyes penetrated into Ellie's with an intensity they'd never shared before that moment.

"I swear," he promised, and would not allow even a pause for her to see right through the lie he had conjured.

The silence between them was loud. The look on her face was so ambiguous he feared her reply.

"...Okay..."

She had caught it, though. That gritty, pleading glare ablaze in his eyes. She'd never seen it before...never knew Joel could express... was it desperation? Why the hell would an honest man be desperate.

They both swallowed after long moment of looking into one another. Ellie finally nodded, and Joel spun on his heels to continue toward Tommy's settlement. Guilt twisted his stomach in violent agony, but his face was stone. Ellie's light footsteps sounded further behind than he was accustomed, and on any other day he would have demanded that she stay on his ass. But, now, he could not have been more relieved to be alone with his thoughts.

He felt the dread of an anvil over his head. Maybe it was just the way he'd evolved over the years. After he scoffed at himself, he grazed his watch, and they marched onward.

A slew of contradictions raced within him: he essentially obliterated the only hope for mankind's return to normalcy. That sat just fine with him. But, God forbid she find out. A girl of her age always needed a cause.

It don't matter. After all we been through, I couldn't let her go...I ain't got nothin' left to li-

He swallowed hard, and stopped his thoughts in their track. Don't go soft.

Ellie would have preferred to die for the good of the cause. He knew that much. Or, at least, that's where the guilt was coming from. But...that...that ain't a decision for a kid to make. Who was to say he was the one solely responsible for Ellie's welfare anyway? I ain't her daddy.

Joel could not fathom a life worth living had she not been around. There was no possible way he would have that on his conscience, and he knew that the loss of her life would truly send him into a bleak veil of dread that could only be escaped by the "easy way out".

A man could only take so much sadness in one lifetime.

So, when he acted out of selfish desire, it didn't feel to him that he'd saved her life. His reasons were not for her well-being alone. And, God forbid she ever realize what he had done for her, then to realize that he had lied to her face all along. Ellie did not enjoy her dependence on Joel, much to his humor at times, but she hated dishonesty most.

But, he had killed Marlene. And with it, he killed the secret of his actions.

If it meant saving her from the whirlwind of agony that awaited at the end of the truth, he would hide behind his lie for the rest of his life. She meant that much to him.

"Joel..." she called from behind, and interrupted his thoughts. He turned around slowly, and tried to wipe the obvious despair from his face.

"What now?" he demanded with impatience. He still recovered the heat of the moment, although he was sure that she would interpret it as annoyance toward her constant chatter. If she only knew how much he'd come to depend on it...

"I just wanted to say...I'm...glad that after all this I'm still with you," she expressed, eyes filled with an extra touch of something that melted his heart. As he considered her words, he took a deep breath, and then closed his eyes.

"...Me too," he said after a long pause, in an attempt to salvage what was left of his emotional showcase inside. Perhaps if he could lighten the mood, he could deal with his guilt at some other time.

"Listen, just so you know, I don't expect to be Maria's favorite person when we get here. So maybe you try 'an loosen er' up for me." A brilliant smile painted Ellie's face, and Joel could not help but feel happiness tingle at the corners of his mouth.

"What makes you think that?" she chuckled, curious.

"Uh, probably my charm, is my guess," he retorted.

"Meh, it's not your fault you're an asshole. She'll like you because Tommy does," she tried to reason.

"Hey! And what makes you think Tommy likes me?" he joked, but still serious in his own regard. If there was one thing that worried him about Jackson, it was that he was obligated to expand his social responsibilities.

"Isn't that what brotherly love is all about?" she inquired.

"Eh, maybe so but this ain't Philadelphia," he grumbled.

"What's that mean?"

He sighed.

"It don't matter. I'm just, not...a real charismatic fella. I'm hopin' we fit in here," he mentioned, honest for the first time.

"Hey, now that we're on the subject, because we're past all that difficult stuff now, does this mean I'll get more sarcasm out of you? I kind of hope so, because sometimes you're just like, this stick in the mud guy, and if we're gonna be spending all this time together at Tommy's I need to know that you can make me laugh," she rambled.

"What?" Joel furrowed his eyebrows in annoyance, but it was a rhetorical question (not that she would notice).

"It's an important quality, I mean you must have been funny back in the day right?" she rambled on, and ran to catch up with him. Joel playfully nudged her, and she shoved him back in response.

Things might get back to the way they used to be quicker than I thought.

"I'm not a comedian, Ellie. Not now, not ever," he scolded, but she knew to ignore his rough tone when she could see the hint of a smile in his eyes.

"You must have been funny or something. You were married once...I read somewhere that women like men who are funny," she continued, and the playful look in Joel's eyes departed quickly.

"Ellie..." he warned.

"Okay, okay, so I guess you were never funny. Hmm, well maybe you were just really good-looking," she continued to blare her thoughts out loud.

"Ellie," he warned more severely.

"What?! I mean jeez, I'm just making conversation. I don't know that much about your old life... and that should change. Like, what did your wife like about you? And what did you like about her?" she urged, eyes wide.

"I'm tired," he avoided the question. She raised an eyebrow.

"All right, all right...deflect if you will. I mean I told you about Riley, dude," she tested the waters.

"I got nothin' to say right now, and that's the end of that," he raised his voice, and glared into her eyes until she finally accepted his stubborn rejections.

There was silence for a few minutes as they approached the guard towers. He waved to one of the men sitting in the lookout closest to him in an attempt to seem amicable. It just felt weird. He sighed to himself as he realized how much he was going to have to socialize in the next hour or so. Maybe Ellie can do most of the talkin for me...

"Just her name, and I'll drop it. I promise," she spat in a whisper, and came to walk beside him.

He stopped dead in his tracks for a moment, and let out a deep breath.

"Vera. That was her name. That's it. That's all. Now when we get inside here-"

Ellie had already taken off, full of laughter and waves to townspeople.

"Hey guys, we're back!" she said with glee.

The rest of the night went on at a snail's pace. The townsfolk were friendly, especially at their long-awaited return, but Joel felt a knot grow in the pit of his stomach. Hugs, laughter, drinks, and warm food were reminiscent of a time gone by. There were new faces all over, and handshakes to be had. He really didn't know how to take it all. He was just...antisocial, grouchy, and maybe even a bit awkward. It would take some time to get adjusted.

Ellie seemed to love it, though. Their arrival was unexpected but yet very much celebrated. After all, no one thought they'd make it back alive. Joel was sure his brother would get suspicious about the Fireflies, and he was unsure of what lies to tell. He felt overwhelmed and exhausted.

Once or twice, he eyeballed Ellie in an attempt to signal he wanted to end all this and get some rest. But, she was too excited to pick up on it. There were even a few kids her see Ellie so full of life caused a twinge of pain inside him. It had been such a long time since he'd seen her genuinely happy. It almost made him jealous to see that he alone could not provide that need. But, he quickly shook it off.

Maria finally sensed his exhaustion, and suggested they let their new guests have the night to themselves. He tried to smile at her in appreciation, but it looked more pained than anything. Tommy had kept his promise, and had renovated a small ranch-style house near the edge of the fence with the pair in mind. It still needed quite a few repairs, but Joel was happy for the busy work. He knew he would need something to keep his mind off things.

After everyone had left, and they were alone in the house, he took a moment and sighed. Ellie was rapidly exploring the rooms, still full of energy, but he was depleted. Without even bothering to call for her, or say goodnight, he quietly took off his boots and climbed into bed. It was almost lonely, despite his companion in the house. Perhaps he'd grown too accustomed to being near her...that was a risk. Maybe he needed to practice interacting with others again. Or, he needed to get better at being alone again.

Exhausted as he was, when he closed his eyes, sleep wouldn't come. And then, old thoughts started to invade the only peaceful part of his psyche.

Why did she have to go and bring up Vera?