AN: I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry I know it's been forever but it didn't occur to me until literally last night how I could do this conversation.
Part 45
As Sirius approached the room where his brother had fled, his mind was reeling in a dizzying spiral between being numb, disbelief, blazing fury, and a whole gamut of other emotions he didn't want to think about right then. How could he have been so wrong? Where had everything gone wrong? What did he say?
He put his hand to the door. He was sure he was imagining it, but he could almost feel the hurt and anger emanating from the other side.
"Reg," he said softly. There was a noise somewhere between a cough and a strangled sob swiftly stifled from the other side. "Reg, please talk to me."
"Why?" the word was ground out between teeth clenched to try to hide feelings that had been held back for far too long.
"Reg… I want to make this right."
"Right?! You haven't wanted or cared about things being RIGHT between us for years! You want to know where it started?! I can tell you EXACTLY when it started!"
The irony that Regulus knew exactly what he wanted to know without Sirius saying anything was not lost on the older brother. The fact that Regulus was shouting at him when he was usually the "ever correct, never get over-emotional" pureblood son made his heart clench in his chest. He knew this would be extremely hard to hear. He quickly put up a silencing charm around the area not wanting the others to hear the cathartic confrontation he knew was coming.
"Unlike everyone else in our family, except maybe Andy*, I WANTED you to be put into a House that was not Slytherin. I knew that if you were put in Slytherin, it would ruin you. Your beliefs of right and wrong have been so deeply ingrained in you (though I'm not sure where you got it given our family's beliefs) that to have to suppress those beliefs in order to fit in would have destroyed your soul."
Sirius felt his jaw drop. Regulus had been on his side about being sorted?
"I'm not sure if I would have agreed with Gryffindor since I knew that would have put us at odds. But it is obvious that it fits your personality best. I still had hopes that we could still talk about things outside of school. And it was not too bad between us after you returned from first year.
"But then at the start of your second year, I arrived at Hogwarts and was sorted into Slytherin. The first person I met when I sat down at the table was Lucius Malfoy and he was everything a pureblood Slytherin seemed to personify. Worried about what our parents would say about if I ignored his offers of "friendship**" I allowed him to on the surface, at least, appear to be friends with me.
"The one person in Slytherin that gave me hope that you and I could still maintain a good relationship was Severus. I mean, he was best friends with a muggle-born. Everyone in school knew it and even the other Slytherins weren't too vocal on the subject, at least in his presence. Mostly because he made it known that she was under his protection and there were a few minor scuffles with those who thought he was kidding before they decided to leave her alone."
Regulus didn't have to go into detail about the "scuffles". Even in second year it had been obvious that Severus had been well-versed in taking care of himself.
"I watched you over the course of the year and it became apparent that you hated everything to do with Slytherin. You pranked them almost exclusively and seemed to target Severus in particular. I kept telling myself that your hatred of all things Slytherin didn't extend to me. After all, you still loved Andy and she had been a Slytherin. But then we went home for the summer holidays."
Sirius remembered that day. It had been the beginning of the end for his relationship with his parents. His parents had met them on the platform and had made much of Regulus while completely ignoring him. He had told himself he didn't care. He had told himself that they were just angry about his actions. He had been wrong on both accounts. Oh sure, they had been angry about his actions, but they apparently had decided that he was no longer worth the trouble of even trying to change. And as such, it was unnecessary to acknowledge him in public. It had hurt beyond anything else they had ever done to him. But he tried to hide it.
"I saw how much it hurt you to be ignored while I was being heaped with affection (even though mother and father normally didn't show any emotion in public). I'm ashamed to admit it, but I loved the fact that they were showing me so much affection and I felt guilty every time I saw you and saw the hurt in your eyes.
"Fast forward a couple years and you were now ignoring me as completely as our parents were you. Some of the older Slytherins began talking about the man who was becoming more vocal and putting a plan for dealing with muggles into action. Despite myself I listened. Severus also listened, deeply hurt by the breakup of his friendship with Lily. Some of the things they said made sense.
"Then came the final confrontation between you and our parents. And you walked out. I knew you had long since given up on me but I still loved you. I wanted to beg you not to go or…" Maybe even to take me with you. Not that he would ever say that aloud.
"I felt abandoned. I felt angry with Gryffindor, Dumbledore, everyone opposed to the man I had been hearing about, for taking you away from me. So when someone suggested going to one of the meetings , I… agreed. I found myself listening to this "Dark Lord" and it made more and more sense and I found myself wanting to get back at everyone so I joined."
There was complete silence for several minutes. Sirius was devastated. He was the reason that Regulus had joined Voldemort? He looked back at his life over the last few years and winced. He didn't like what he saw. Sure there had been good things he had done: becoming an animagus to help Remus, protecting the younger Gryffindors from bullying by the Slytherins… But…
"I'm as prejudiced as our parents." The admission came out in a strangled, devastated tone. It was true. He saw all Slytherins as vile, prejudiced beings just waiting to join Voldemort. He saw them as one entity not as individuals who might just want to live their lives as best they could and keep their loved ones safe.
The door opened. Regulus came out and looked at him. He didn't try to refute that statement since in some ways they both knew it was true. They nodded to each other in a way that let the other know that maybe they could work on their relationship and try to get things to a better place. It would take a long time for there was too much that had happened between them and too much emotion for one conversation to heal. But they had taken the first step and maybe some day down the road they could truly be brothers again.
*Andy is short for Andromeda in case someone didn't know. I looked it up and she was sorted into Slytherin just like the rest of her family.
**I figured since Sirius didn't want to have anything to do with Slytherin, Lucius would go after his brother as the Black to take under his wing and influence.