Loyalty

Sebastian rolled over and pummelled his pillow, desperately trying to get comfortable. No matter how long he lay in bed, sleep would not come to him. He replayed the scene over and over in his mind, berating himself, calling himself an idiot and wishing he had done things differently.

He hadn't always seen eye to eye with Hawke. Her insistence that mages should be granted more freedoms went against every Chantry teaching. Yet she showed kindness to those in need and mercy to those who most would think deserved it the least. She had a generous spirit and he had found himself caring more and more about her as time went on.

He knew she felt something for him too. She had flirted with him often. Her gazed passed over other men and always found him and it was obvious, in his mind at least, that she reciprocated his feelings.

The muffled voices of two sisters passing his door caught his attention and broke his line of thought. "Yes, the prince from Starkhaven" he heard one say. "Just rejected him. On the spot. Oh, it was hard to watch. You could see the heartbreak on his face."

"How sad," the second sister replied. "But probably necessary. They both want such different things in life." Their voices and footsteps faded and Sebastian replayed his conversation with Hawke for the hundredth time that night.

"You mean the world to me, Hawke," he had told her. "I couldn't have gotten through this time without you." He had meant every word. Hawke had been his rock through the grief of losing his family and the uncertainty of his role in Starkhaven. "Join me in the Chantry. Pledge yourself to the Maker! We can serve Him together with a chaste marriage in His eyes." He knew it was a lot to ask. That Hawke wasn't an active Andrastian and that giving up the life she had worked hard for was a lot to ask. Hawke had met his gaze and for a moment she looked grief stricken.

"That's a little sudden," was all she had said.

He had been devastated. Heartbroken. He had brushed the incident off and tried to make light off it but he could not look her in the eye in case she saw the tears there. Hawke had lingered for a moment as if she wished to say something. When Sebastian did not turn back round to face her, she left Sebastian to his thoughts and his loneliness.

Damn that woman, thought Sebastian. She would play on his mind for an eternity. Why would the Maker send somebody into his life who avenged his parents, saved Lady Harimann's family and make her beautiful and intoxicating if he was not allowed to have her? What if this is a sign from the Maker, he wondered. Maybe this is a signpost from Him. A sign on whether I should rule Starkhaven or serve under the Maker.

He sat up on the edge of his bed. He could go and see the Grand Cleric but she would only encourage him to leave as she had all those years ago. Elthina did not believe his whole heart was in the Chantry and since Hawke had stolen it, she was probably right. But he needed guidance. Somebody to talk this through with. He dressed himself and hurried out through the Chantry's back door.

"Well, what brings you down these parts, Choir-Boy?" Varric chuckled over a pint. "Not like you to slum it with the common people." Sebastian smiles at the Dwarf's playful poking.

"I was hoping you could enlighten me," he responded. "About, um... Hawke." Varric gave a throaty chuckle and sat back with his hands behind his head.

"Did it hit the fan then, Choir-Boy?" he asked. "Did you both pour your hearts out to one another."

"Not quite," Sebastian looked awkward. "I proposed a chaste marriage and she turned me down."

"And now you're wondering whether to break your vows to pursue her?" Sebastians went silent. The dwarf could read people far too well. Sebastian's silence was as good as a confirmation for Varric.

"And you've come to me to find out more about Hawke, right? Work out what she's thinking?" Varric asked.

"Well, yes," said Sebastian. "I can't understand why she turned me down after all the flirting and after we fell in love." Varric sat back forwards and looked Sebastian in the eye, his hands together on the table.

"You know Hawke's the Champion of Kirkwall, not of the Chantry. You didn't need me to point that out. She'd be like a sheep in a pack of wolves in there! I think you're here because you can't work out yourself, not because you can't work out Hawke. And I must say, Choir-Boy, I think you're asking the wrong person. There must be somebody who knows you better than I do."

"There's the Grand Cleric," suggested Sebastian. "But we've both discussed this. She doesn't think I belong in the Chantry."

Varric smiled and took a sip from his ale. "Then there you go, Choir-Boy. You've had the opinion of a person who knows you and you'd otherwise believe and trust wholeheartedly on any other subject. Why doubt her on this?" Sebastian stood up abruptly. Dammit, the dwarf was right.

"Thank you Varric. I owe you for this." Sebastian hurried from the Hanged Man and back to High Town.

Damned Mabari! Hawke pulled herself from her bed. What was her dog barking at now? As she came round, she realised somebody was knocking at the door. She picked up a dagger and tentatively opened her front door, laying it back down when she saw the face of her visitor. "Sebastian?" she asked. "Why are you here? I-" Sebastian pulled Hawke into an embrace, kissing her mouth passionately and stopping her mid-sentence. His kiss deepened and he pulled Hawke closer by her waist.

"Hawke," he said after breaking his kiss. "I realised how stupid I've been. The Maker wasn't guiding me to a life in the Chantry. He guided me to a life with you. Allow me to dedicate myself to you. Completely." For a frightening moment, Sebastian feared Hawke would turn him away again. The silence while she was deep in thought was unnerving and Sebastian's felt his heart sink.

"Sebastian, if you really mean that -"

"I do!" he interrupted.

"Let me finish," she said with a playful jab. "If you really mean that then I will have you in a heartbeat. But I won't distract you from a life of servitude to the Maker if that's where your heart truly lies. And I can't share you with anyone, even if that person is the Maker."

Sebastian placed a hand on the back of Hawke's head and pulled her in for another kiss. He groaned into the kiss. "Hawke, I still want you as my bride. But not in a marriage pledged to the Maker. And definitely not a chaste one either. My heart lies with you. Always." Hawke pressed her body against his, looping her arms around his neck.

"Then I am yours," she said, her eyes smouldering with desire.

"Not yet," Sebastian laughed. "I still need to marry you before we consummate. things"

Hawke pouted at him, but she understood and was willing to respect his wishes. She loved him dearly and would be honoured to be his wife but her desire for him had become almost unbearable after the passionate kissing they had done. "Okay," she agreed. "But I want to do it soon."

"Well, that goes without saying," said Sebastian. "I think I'll have to go before my resolve wanes and I take you upstairs. Meet me in the Chantry tomorrow morning and we will arrange for our union to be blessed by Elthina." He left a final soft kiss on her mouth before turning and leaving. She turned and went back upstairs, weak at the knees and the happiest she had felt in a long time.