You have freedom when you're easy in your harness ~ Robert Frost

"Aren't you always teaching me to hold back?"
"Not on everything."
"But on some things." FB, pg 60

"Most of the time you do stay in control... but sometimes, you don't want to." FB, pg 112

"I did what I did because …We try to do what others say is right, but sometimes, that goes against who we are…you have to choose. It became useless to try to act like I could ever put any Moroi life above yours. It's not going to happen. So I decided that's something I have to deal with. Once I made that decision … there was nothing to hold us back." SK, pg 397-398

So I noticed this morning that it's exactly a month until my 18th birthday, and remembered this passage from Shadow Kiss. And to make myself better about not having an actual Dimitri around, I decided on writing a kind of fix-it for the beginning of SK where Romitri is established in the first chapter and some of the angst is cut out. Happy days :)

The stuff in italics below is Richelle. Then my ending comes in.

"Well, don't worry. My birthday's coming up. As soon as I'm eighteen, I'll be an adult, right? I'm sure I'll wake up that morning and be all mature and stuff."

As I'd hoped, his frown softened into a small smile. "Yes, I'm sure. What is it, about a month?"

"Thirty-one days," I announced primly.

"Not that you're counting."

I shrugged, and he laughed.

"I suppose you've made a birthday list too. Ten pages? Single-spaced? Ranked by order of priority?" The smile was still on his face. It was one of the relaxed, genuinely amused ones that were so rare to him.

I started to make another joke, but the image of Lissa and Christian flared into my mind again. That sad and empty feeling in my stomach returned. Anything I might have wanted— new clothes, an iPod, whatever—suddenly seemed trivial. What did material things like that mean compared to the one thing I wanted most of all? God, I really had changed.

"No," I said in a small voice. "No list."

He tilted his head to better look at me, making some of his shoulder-length hair blow into his face. His hair was brown, like mine, but not nearly as dark. Mine looked black at times. He brushed the unruly strands aside, only to have them immediately blow back into his face. "I can't believe you don't want anything. It's going to be a boring birthday."

Freedom, I thought. That was the only gift I longed for. Freedom to make my own choices. Freedom to love who I wanted.

"It doesn't matter," I said instead.

"What do you—" He stopped. He understood. He always did. It was part of why we connected like we did, in spite of the seven-year gap in our ages. We'd fallen for each other last fall when he'd been my combat instructor. As things heated up between us, we'd found we had more things to worry about than just age. We were both going to be protecting Lissa when she graduated, and we couldn't let our feelings for each other distract us when she was our priority.

Of course, that was easier said than done because I didn't think our feelings for each other were ever really going to go away. We'd both had moments of weakness, moments that led to stolen kisses or saying things we really shouldn't have. After I'd escaped the Strigoi, Dimitri had told me he loved me and had pretty much admitted he could never be with anyone else because of that. Yet, it had also become clear that we still couldn't be together either, and we had both slipped back into our old roles of keeping away from each other and pretending that our relationship was strictly professional.

For a moment I thought he was going to change the subject, before indecision flickered in his eyes. It was strange to see- he was usually so sure of himself and his actions.

"Come with me," he said suddenly, taking a step forwards. I looked down at my own slippered feet before meeting his gaze dubiously. "We're not going far."

Well, if I couldn't escape my guy troubles, then perhaps it was best just to go with the flow.

We set off, and once we'd fallen into a comfortable rhythm in a certain direction, I took the lead. A warm weight fell over my shoulders a moment, startling me until I realised Dimitri had given me his duster, despite my earlier refusal.

I turned to give him a disapproving look, but it fell short when I saw his relaxed and amused expression.

"Consider it a reward for successfully evading the rest of dorm security."

I hugged the coat tighter around my shoulders, wanting to put it on properly but knowing I'd probably up dragging the hem in the snowy sludge and then tripping over it.

"So is this like the Guardian equivalent of a coloured belt? The longer the coat, the more secrets you get to know?"

"I hope not. If it's relative to height, then you've just been promoted above me," he joked.

"Does that mean you'll teach me to swear in Russian?" I asked with a grin.

He just shook his head, but his smile grew wider.

We walked in silence to the tree line and a little way beyond, to where a wooden bench was placed opposite a tiny green pond.

"I haven't been here in forever," I said quietly as we sat down. "I kind of forgot this place existed."

This was part of a 'nature garden' used by the elementary campus back when I was there. Young Moroi had been encouraged to exercise their Earth magic by growing plants in the hopes of attracting bugs and birds, but nothing interesting ever happened at night. The idea was eventually scrapped, though the pond had provided me with a great place to harvest frogspawn for a prank one time.

Now, the garden had been left to go wild. The wooden bars forming the seat back glittered with frost in the weak sunlight filtering through the trees, and all but the edges of the pond had thawed. Plants taller than anything the Earth users had produced clustered around the water's edge, and something caused the surface to ripple.

Dimitri sat close beside me, our bodies just barely touching. I swore I could feel his warmth even though the leather of his duster.

"I'm sorry," he said eventually. "You've been through so much lately, and there's nothing I can do to help. This... whatever we are or aren't or shouldn't be is just making things harder."

I turned to him, shocked. "What? No. I mean, sure, things could be easier. But there's no need to apologise. I get it. There's nothing we can do. They come first." I looked down at my now grey slippers. "If Mason hadn't let his feelings for me get in the way of his training, then he'd still be alive."

"But you'd be dead," Dimitri stated simply.

Titling my face up to the lightening sky, I breathed a lungful of pine-scented air before exhaling slowly.

"Sometimes I feel like I should be. I got my second chance after the car crash; my recklessness is my problem."

Dimitri's warm, calloused hand clasped my own, breaking me out of my prison cast from images of Mason lying on the floor and surrounded by the blood of his killer.

"Rose," Dimitri said in a tight voice. "Roza, look at me." I did, and saw his face lined with grief. "You're alive because the world needs you. Lissa needs you. I need you."

I smiled in spite of the heartbreaking topic. "I'm sure you'd all be fine eventually. You'd enjoy the peace and quiet."

The look on his face told me that he saw straight through my bravado. I didn't even realise it wasn't genuine until he did.

"Rose, you know you can talk to me about anything- especially Mason. I know what it's like to lose a close friend and feel like it should have been you instead. I didn't have anyone to help me, but I'll always be here for you, just as long as you want me to be."

Leaning closer into his side, I took comfort in his warmth. Like at the lodge just before I'd found out Mason was missing, Dimitri wrapped a gentle but firm arm around my shoulders. "I'm not sure I'm ready to talk yet," I said. "But when I'm ready, I promise I'll come to you. On one condition."

His voice was wary. "What would that be?"

I lifted my head so I could meet his eyes. "That you promise to do the same. I know I'm badass at guessing how you feel, but if you want me to confide in you, then I shouldn't have to. I need to know that you trust me too."

This was a big thing for me, and I regretted saying it as soon as the words left my mouth. Lissa told me everything, and I trusted her, but I couldn't talk to her in the same way for her own sake. I didn't want to be Dimitri's Lissa. That would be like admitting that I needed someone to rely on.

Dimitri's other hand came up to cup my cheek. "Rose, I do trust you. I've already told you more than I've let on to anyone else in my life. Sometimes, it feels like I can't help it."

And there lay the other problem. I'd known we'd walk into it sooner or later- it was like trying to cross a mine field wearing a blindfold.

"It's a shame we can't be together," I joked half heartedly. "We have the hardest parts of relationships down."

His dark brown eyes studied my face, searching for something I wasn't sure was hidden there.

"I've been thinking a lot lately," he started slowly. "After what you said, about us not being Lissa's Guardians yet."

"I talk crap all the time. Don't waste time trying to make sense of my brain when you could be doing something more productive, like reading."

He ignored my attempt at humour, for which I found myself grateful. "You're turning 18 in a month," he said. "That's one of our problems lessened, if not solved. The same for when you graduate. That leaves just the issue of us both being Lissa's Guardians."

"Yeah. The big one." I had no idea where he was going with this.

Dimitri's other hand came to rest on top of our already intertwined fingers. "Rose, I know now that even if I could move past my feelings for you, I wouldn't want to. Loving you is the best thing that's ever happened to me."

My heart stopped for a few beats. Had he just said he loved me? Using the actual L-word?

"I..." I was momentarily incapable of speech.

Dimitri's gaze burned with the intensity I'd seen since that very first day. "If, come graduation, you still want to be with me, then I promise we'll find a way to make it work. It won't be easy, and people won't be happy, but we could be together, and you wouldn't have to put Lissa in danger or give her up yourself."

My eyes had to be bugging out of my head by this point. "I- of course I want that. I want to be with you. I love you."

His breathing hitched when I said the words. It was barely perceivable, but it seemed I was tuned in to him better than the rest of the world.

"Then I'll find a way for us to be together. There isn't a perfect solution, because believe me I've tried to find one, but there'll be a compromise we can both live with."

I nodded enthusiastically, and for the first time didn't care that Lissa and Christian were getting ready for round two. My own emotions were running so high that there was no way I was losing myself here. And, better than that, I had no need to envy them anymore.

Leaning forwards, I closed the gap between mine and Dimitri's lips. His hands found my waist and rose to tangle in my hair as my arms locked around his neck.

I'd wished for freedom to love, and I'd been granted it. Things weren't perfect, and society wouldn't be happy by a long shot. We'd face judgement and whispers, but they could talk. As long as we were together, we'd be alright. There were still many obstacles holding us back, but between those walls, we'd be together.

Maybe this would be a good birthday after all.