The Soldier can hear voices as he trudges down the hall.

"—isn't funny, Natasha," Bruce is saying. "You have to tell him the truth."

"It seems the bond of trust could be irreconcilably broken by this falsehood." That's Thor's voice. The team, save for Tony and Steve, are gathered in a common room. Good. The Soldier believes he requires much of what his therapists call moral support.

"I knew him in Russia," Natasha says. "Before they burned the last of the humanity and common sense out of his mind. And he would think it's hilarious."

"You can't know that for—"

"I explained the concept of lying as a joke once," she says. "It took about an hour for him to understand but the second he got it, he tried to convince me that every dog in the world had suddenly turned blue. He'd laugh about this. He'd be glad that I didn't treat him as if he were made of glass."

Clint says, "Man, I want a blue dog," just as the Soldier steps into the room.

His distress must be visible on his face—that means he is regaining affect and his therapists will be pleased—because they are all looking at him with concern. "You okay, Bucky?" Bruce asks.

He manages to sit down before the distressed whimpers force their way out of his throat. The sounds are like that of a wounded animal and now everyone else looks distressed.

Thor's arm is around his shoulder, impossibly solid and almost as comforting as a touch from Steve. "What ails you, my friend?"

His voice is muffled because he places his face in his hands, his breathing ragged. "Steve and Tony broke up."

The Soldier hadn't understood what "break up" meant when Steve and Tony had called him to the penthouse an hour ago, staring blankly until Steve elaborated.

"It means," Steve had said, "that we've done a lot of thinking about what's best for us and for Pepper and everybody else in the tower, and we think it would be better if we were just friends instead of—"

Steve had choked there so Tony had finished: "Lovers."

"But you kissed," the Soldier had said, numb.

"It—it's not that we don't enjoy each other's company." Steve's face had gone red. "We don't hate each other, okay? We're very good friends, but we're better as friends. We, uh, we just don't want the same things from a relationship, and that makes us argue."

"But you kissed," the Soldier had said.

"And I will miss that." Tony had rubbed his hand up and down the Soldier's back. "That look in his eyes the other night? I'll cherish that forever. But there's more to a relationship than kissing, you know?"

"Like sex?" Should Soldier have concentrated more effort on that? What if Tony suffered from some sort of sexual dysfunction—Steve couldn't, the serum in his body wouldn't allow for it—and the book that the Soldier and Natasha had marked for the couple was seen as an insult? What if a lack of intimacy tore apart the relationship? Perhaps he should have been researching impotency. He was not sure how old Tony was, but that could possibly be an issue.

Then Tony was the one stammering too much to speak.

"No. No, Bucky," Steve said. "That—you don't need to concern yourself with that. It's nothing physical, we're just not right for each other."

"The physical was great," Tony had added, reaching across the Soldier to poke Steve in the ribs. "Fantastic. Felt like a dream sometimes, it was just too good to be true—"

"What did I do wrong?" the Soldier asked. "Was the spaghetti not good?"

"It's not like that." Steve pulled him close. "What you did was great, Buck. And you're a wonderful cook."

"Regular gourmet," Tony said. "Maybe go with a hint less oregano next time, though."

"The whole night was very thoughtful," Steve had continued. "The food was great, the, uh, the book was…was very thoughtful, and The Book of Mormon was, um, innovative and—"

"What's the book of Mormon?" The Soldier was very sure the book Natasha had chosen was called The Gay Kama Sutra. They had spent a long time examining it together and he hadn't seen any mention of Mormonism.

"One of the best musicals of the last decade," Tony said. "Might be a little over your head, though. We should start introducing you to Broadway, you'd probably like—"

"But the tickets were to The Phantom of the Opera." Natasha had assured the Solider that The Phantom of the Opera was extremely romantic, even though it was about a murderous disfigured man. He hadn't understood that, but Natasha was more knowledgeable in these matters.

Tony had shrugged. "Right, but I have taste."

"Then it is my fault." The Soldier's stomach sank.

"No." Steve's voice was forceful and he'd shaken the Soldier a little. "Bucky, this has nothing to do with you, okay? You gave us a wonderful night together and we're very, very happy about it. And we'll be happier from here on out, because this is the best choice for us. Everything's gonna be fine, I promise."

"But," the Soldier had said, miserable. "Where are you and I going to live?"

"We're staying right here." Steve stroked a hand down the Soldier's hair. "This is still our family, Buck. We're still friends and we both love you very much and you and I don't have to go anywhere."

"Yeah, no one's forfeiting custody this time around." Tony put his hand on the Soldier's shoulder. "It's not like when I lost Natasha and Happy to Pepper."

The Soldier had only stared. "You're Natasha's father?" That seemed chronologically improbable.

Tony laughed a lot. The Soldier hadn't understood, but at least the man wasn't heartbroken.

The Soldier doesn't feel much like laughing now. Or smiling. Or doing anything beyond staring into the distance and contemplating his failure.

The others aren't letting him do that, though.

Bruce has his left hand and is telling him it's okay. Thor, still with his arm over the Soldier's shoulders, tells him his efforts were commendable. Clint takes his right hand and says it was inevitable.

"But," says the Soldier, "they kissed." He's seen Enchanted and he knows that kisses aren't just magic; they are also the ultimate expression of love.

"So did Jesus and Judas," says Clint, and the Soldier only stares.

"Who?"

"Uh, savior of all mankind and the guy who betrayed him to the Romans."

"But I don't want Steve to be betrayed to the Romans!" The Soldier is horrified. He is not sure what the Romans would do to Steve, but if betrayal is involved it must be something awful.

"He won't be." Natasha smacks Clint in the head. "Listen, Bucky. Do you realize how much you've helped Tony and Steve?"

"But they broke up." Breaking is the opposite of helping. The relationship was in a bad enough state, and now he's destroyed it.

"And sometimes people are happier when they break up," she says. She is carrying on before he can protest; Natasha doesn't leave people much room to argue against her. "The point is, they weren't even talking before you got them to have dinner, were they? They might have stayed together just out of habit and really hurt each other before they figured out what they wanted if it weren't for you."

The Soldier thinks of Steve and Tony shouting at each other. They did do that a lot. They weren't shouting when they explained their separation to him.

"Definitely." Clint releases his hand. "You've spared them all kinds of pain. All kinds."

Natasha elbows Bruce in the ribs, and the doctor sighs. "It is for the best, Bucky. Most break ups are just a bunch of screaming and fighting. You gave them the chance to rationally discuss what they wanted and to come to a decision based on respect and understanding. You helped a lot."

"I helped?" the Soldier repeats. The thought make things hurt a little less. It also sounds too good to be true.

"You did," says Natasha. "Need a minute to let that sink in?"

He nods.

"Why don't you guys pick out a movie or something?" Natasha asks the others. "Give him some time to think."

They make their way out of the room while the Soldier stares down at the floor, trying to make sense of humanity. It's not the first time he's tried to work it out, and he very much doubts it will be the last. "Tumblr's going to be so upset," he says finally, mostly because it's the only conclusion his mind can draw.

"Tumblr will survive," Natasha says. She had begun holding his hand when Clint released it, and she strokes it now.

"But…I helped?"

"You did. You were very helpful."

The Soldier isn't sure what to make of that. He thinks Bucky Barnes would be glad to help Steve, whether the help was a breakup or a marriage, and so he tries a small and hesitant smile. "I helped."

"You're a good friend, Bucky," Natasha says. She is quiet for a moment and then that strange and sparkling light is back into her eyes. "Hey, I know something else you could help with."

"What?" He likes helping. And the Soldier thinks that the more helping he is doing, the less time he will have to think about Steve and Tony's failed romance.

"Clint really wants a blue dog."

"But his dog is yellow."

"Well then." She smiles. "We'll just have to find a way to fix that, won't we?"

The Soldier is at a loss for ideas, but luckily the Internet has many helpful suggestions.

A/N: In the Marvel comics, wherein the Soldier is mostly a product of Department X as opposed to HYDRA, he was used to train recruits in the Red Room facility, where Natasha Romanoff was trained as an assassin and spy. They fell in love during the time they spent together. Whether or not any of this back story carries over to the Marvel Cinematic Universe remains to be seen, but for the purposes of this fic they did know each other in Russia.

"Did you hear? All dogs are blue now. Every single dog in the world is blue" is a line of Abed Nadir's in the "Advanced Criminal Law" episode of the show Community, and served as the inspiration for the Soldier's attempt at making a joke that Natasha mentions. I made this allusion mostly because it is such an awful attempt at a joke that it actually becomes amazing the more I think about it, and also because Abed's actor Danny Pudi cameos in The Winter Soldier, and so Community and Captain America are forever linked in my mind.

The Book of Mormon is a stage musical from the creators of South Park and is about two Mormon missionaries stationed in Uganda. I imagine Steve went into it with no idea of the subject matter, expecting some uplifting story about the power of faith. If you don't know what the musical is like, just check out the lyrics to its song "Hasa Diga Eebowai" to get a good idea [although before you do, a warning for extremely not safe for work language, blasphemy, and talk of a lot of really awful things, albeit played for comedy].

In Iron Man 2, when Tony and Pepper have fought and Natasha and Happy are working for Pepper, Tony comments that he "lost both kids in the divorce."

Commercial hair dyes are not safe to use on pets, but there are animal-friendly dyes in existence.