DEAR MASTER LUCAS: EPISODE II

A FAN-tastical Star Wars Sequel by Vyrazhi, ©2014

Dear Master Lucas,

Reep-bewreep. Beep-eereep deet? Eep-beer-eep. Dwoooooo.

R2-D2

Dear Artoo-Detoo (again, the canonical way to spell your name),

I realize that far more than one sentient being in my galaxy has regarded you as a waste receptacle. With that said, if I were to change your basic design, absolutely no one would recognize you in Episode VII. Even your trademark beeps and whistles would not be enough to convince viewers that you were "upgraded". I'm sorry, but if it would console you, I promise not to have any droid dogs think you're a fire hydrant.

George Lucas

Dear Master Lucas,

What's the deal with me? All I really get to do is pop out Luke and Leia, then die. I'm basically an incapacitated vessel for them - "Padme's Destiny", my cute little fanny! I don't want to have to go "Black Swan" on you…

Queen/Senator Padme Amidala

My Dearest Former Monarch,

You forget three things: 1) You rescued your comrades almost single-handedly in the monster combat arena, due to your nimble climbing and lock picking skills. 2) You were influential in politics in three movies, pursuing vital activities such as - uh - disputing the taxation of trade routes. 3) If it weren't for me and the Star Wars franchise, you wouldn't have been in "Black Swan" - Jennifer Lopez or Megan Fox would have, no matter how much they can't dance. It seems that you have a lot for which to be grateful, because you were far more important in my films than most women are in ANY film. Get me?

George Lucas

Dear Master Lucas,

Episode I sucked. Episodes II and III sucked, too. Is Episode VII going to suck even more?

Pretty Much Everyone

Dear Pretty Much Everyone,

You sure have a lot of "cojones" to sign your hate mail that way. Nevertheless, y'all suck to infinity.

George Lucas

Dear Master [BLEEP]-er Lucas,

What the [BLEEP] is up with my [BLEEP]-ing lightsaber? It's [BLEEP]-ing purple! [BLEEP!]

Mace Windu

Dear Mace Windu,

Your blade is technically "violet", not purple. I'd think you'd be comfortable enough in your exaggerated masculinity to be comfortable wielding such a lovely color. Besides, you do Vaapad - the most bad-anus lightsaber form since whatever form Anakin Skywalker does is called in faux-Japanese. As a last word of caution, anger leads to the Dark Side. I had to do a [BLEEP]-load of editing to make your scenes PG-13.

George Lucas

Dear Master Lucas,

My name is ANAKIN, and I'm a PERSON!

Jake Lloyd

Dear Snot-Nosed Future Darth Vader,

Yes, yes, we know. That line haunts my nightmares even worse than Jabba the Hutt in all his slimy glory.

George Lucas

Dear Master Lucas,

I was the coolest black person in the Star Wars series, until You-Know-Who came along…

Lando Calrissian

Dear Lando Calrissian,

I'm confused. Was that a comment or a question? Anyway, please don't capitalize "you-know-who". If you do, you are referencing Lord Voldemort, not your usurper. On to the complaint at hand: I fully realize this, and apologize for your relegation to third (or even fourth) fiddle alongside Luke and Han Solo. Circumstances such as these would drive any man to the wrong side of the Force, let alone a man of color. Alas, my hands were tied. I had to have Mace Windu in the prequels to counterbalance Jar Jar Binks. Otherwise, why would those of your ethnicity laugh at that large-lipped Gungan stepping in "icky-icky goo?"

George Lucas

Dear Master Lucas,

Blurp-urp. Urgle-urgle gurgle. Glurp?

Jabba the Hutt

Dear Smell-a Like Butt,

According to my natural knowledge of the languages I created for these movies, your question translates to "What racial stereotype am I supposed to be? Why is my dialogue completely incomprehensible?" It's time you learned the ugly truth: You are a morbidly obese American teenage boy - my core demographic. You sweat; they sweat. You mumble; they mumble. You eat a ton; they eat a ton. You enslave Princess Leia and make her wear skimpy outfits; they - pleasure themselves to such a scene and wish they could. I knew about the weight crisis in the U.S. long before Michelle Obama made it cool to know about it. Hence, you. This may cause you to lose self-esteem, but at least you're rich enough to afford hot courtesans.

George Lucas

Dear Master Lucas,

Why do I get so little screen time, and die so quickly, in Episode I?

Darth Maul

Dear Darth Maul,

Yeah, that was a serious miscalculation on my part. You were the best character in the entire movie.

George Lucas

Dear Master Lucas,

WE'RE DYING HERE!

Exhausted CGI Engineers

Dear Nearly-Unemployed Minions,

GET BACK TO WORK!

MASTER Lucas

Master Lucas Dear,

Sound like Miss Piggy, I do. Even in prequels, yes. Deepen my voice in Episode VII, you could.

Yoda

Dear Yoda,

Put this in terms you'll understand, I will. Sound like Kermit the Frog, you would rather? Are supposed to be rare, Force Ghosts - aw, crap, that was a stretch. I don't know if you'll be in the new film or not, OK?

George Lucas