You're gone.

Not dead. You don't remember me anymore. My therapist told me this might help me, writing you letters but not sending them. I can feel it. I can feel my sanity slowly unravel and dissolve into nothing. The normal part of my mind is becoming smaller and smaller. I can't let it take over.

Not again.

All I think about is you these days. I try to stay strong, but I can't. It's a struggle to wake up every morning. Sometimes I pray and pray each night that when I wake, all of this will have been a dream, and you'll be beside me. It never happens.

I fixed up and sold the house. I don't think I would've been able to live their anymore, with all the memories that it still held. I live in a small apartment. Even if its almost like a shoe box, it still feels too big without you.

Feliciano calls me regularly. He tells me how you're doing. You've made a quick recovery, from what I've been told. You only remember up until right before you met me.

Ironic, huh?

I deserve it. I deserve every single moment of it. I am a monster. I put you through so much pain and it is all my fault. I'm a coward, too. I can't even bring myself to press the knife into my throat.

I tried, though. The farthest I got was a little drop of blood. I watched it slide down my chest. I put the knife down and cleaned myself off. I cursed myself for being a fool and not ending my life.

I think the next time Feli calls, I'll tell him to bring him to our old house. The new people haven't moved in yet, and I think it might help. Maybe it will.

I love you.

I told him last night. He agreed happily, and we're going today, since I'm the only one with a key. Sorry about all the tears on the last page, but it's still hard for me to think about what happened without losing it.

I think about you every single second. How could I have let this happened? How could I have been so stupid?

I woke up this morning with scabs on my arms. I told my therapist, and she said it was me, subconsciously picking at my skin as a form of self harm. Good. I deserve every last scar the world can throw at me.

I haven't left the house in a week. I've only got another couple of days before I have to go back to work. I can feel my mind slowly deteriorating into nothing but a husk. What's happening to me? Is it going to be like last time when I-

No. I can't think about that. Not anymore.

I have to stop writing now, because I have to leave soon.

I love you.

The house worked, but only for a few moments. It was like you looked at me, and I knew that you remembered. There was this look in your eyes—a look that was pleading forgiveness and screaming love. You fell back into your amnesia, though. The doctors say that its a step in the right direction, and that we should bring you to more places with strong memories.

I found more scars on my arms. My therapist prescribed me medicine for it, but I haven't been taking them. It gives me pleasure knowing that my mind is punishing me.

My visits are becoming more frequent. I don't know what's going on. There are pieces of the day that I can't remember. I'm so scared, Lovino. You may be awake, but not fully. And that's why you have to wake up. You're the only person that can piece my mind back together. I can't lose control again. I can't. Because the last time I did, my grandmother died.

I suppose that I should finally admit to it. Confess. This is something that I never told you. When I was little, when I still lived in Spain. It hurts to think about it. My salty tears threaten to spill on the page.

My mother and I were in the car, driving to the market. We crashed. She died, and I received brain damage. The doctors thought nothing would come of it—it was minor, they said. I was given to my grandmother. Something...something had happened, in my head. I blacked out, and when I woke up, my grandma was dead. I promised myself it would never happen again. I hid my worries with a smile. My mother came to me in a dream, telling me that I had to find out what it was, and stop it. I didn't. I'm a failure. And now, with you gone from my life, there's nothing left.

I love you.

I'm in the hospital. The picking got so bad that I had major blood loss. Why did they have to save me? Why did Feliciano decide to visit? I'd be dead right now. I wouldn't have to worry about hurting anyone.

Feliciano and Ludwig are asleep in the chairs in the room. You're here, too, but only because you have to be. You're not allowed to be left alone anymore.

Come to think of it, you were really the only person that I talked to anymore, with the exception of Feli and Lud. I've been so reclusive lately.

You just asked me, 'Why do you pick at yourself subconsciously?' I didn't even know you were awake. I told you that I was too much of a coward to hurt myself the right way.

You huffed and said, 'There's no right way. It's wrong.'

I smiled sadly at you and shook my head. I said, 'you're wrong.'

You asked me, 'How?'

I replied, 'if I had done it right, I'd be dead.'

You let one tear roll down your cheek before wiping it away quickly.

I want so badly to touch you right now, Lovi. You have no idea. I still feel this burning love for you, and its the only thing I can think about anymore. Please remember.

'What are you writing?'

'nothing.'

'That's bullshit.'

'i can't tell you.'

'Why not?'

'because you don't remember me.'

'Maybe I want to.'

I love you.

You called me at the hospital and asked if it was okay if you visited. I told you yes, and Feliciano dropped you off and promised to pick you up at seven.

You're here still. It's been silent for a little while, so I decided to write a little more. I can feel my mind going back to peace with you around. I'm so thankful that you want to try and remember me. It seems that you're a little nicer now. I can't place it, but you seem...lighter, somehow. You still curse like a drunken sailor, but it's nice.

'Antonio?'

'yes?'

'What's my favorite color? I asked Feli, but he said it was red, and I don't think so.' I looked at you for a few moments.

'green.'

'Oh, that's right. Thank you.' The suicide attempt must've changed you. You're definitely...mellower. I think the doctors said it affected some of your personality. I'm crying, though, because in your note you said your favorite color was only green because the color of my eyes is green.

'Why are you crying, bastard?' There's the Lovi I know. I smiled a bit.

'are you sure you want to know?'

'Of course.'

'your favorite color used to be red. you told me that it only became green after you met me, because it was the color of my eyes.' you went silent for a couple seconds.

'I can see why.'

I love you.

I got admitted from the hospital. I got fired from my job, too, since I was gone for too long. I'm starting to feel okay. You're visiting me more and more often, and that's good. You're becoming like your old self again, too. I saw you eating a tomato the other day. I started to cry.

I feel sane again. I mean, there's still the corner of my mind that pushes every day to take over, but it's easier to hold back.

My therapist told me I didn't have to keep writing this, since I was receiving closure with you. I still want to do it, since it's not finished.

There's a knock at the door.

It was you.

Don't read over my shoulder, Lovi.

I don't care if you just showed up, I'm not finished.

P-Please don't leave.

Good.

You just went to go find a movie to watch. I guess I'll stop.

I love you.

You kissed me.

I love you.

I think this'll be my last entry. We bought the house again. I tell you that I love you every chance that I get. We still haven't had sex, but that's alright. I gently asked you and you said you didn't know.

I'll wait. I'd wait a million years to be with you for a day.

You're out at the store right now, getting stuff for dinner tonight. You've finally been deemed psychologically sane, and you can go by yourself. You haven't told me that you love me, but that's okay. I know that you do.

Feliciano and Ludwig are getting married in Italy. They told me over the phone. I'm going to tell you tonight over dinner.

I think, after all this time of looking at all the moments we've shared together, I've figured out our relationship.

We are the best part of each other. You fix me, Lovino. I fix you. Maybe we have an unhealthy relationship, filled with greed and selfishness. I don't want it any other way. I wouldn't be able to feel this for anyone else in the universe. I hope you feel the same about me.

You still don't remember the year that we spent together. That's alright; we've made new memories. I'm happy with us now. I don't want it to change.

I'm still selfish. I'm working on it. But you can't leave me again. I wouldn't be able to do it. Not again. I'm so afraid that something will happen, and you'll be gone and the insanity will will take me over. You are my sanity; you are the stars to my sky and the air to my lungs. You make every single part of me complete. You make me someone that I'd never be able to be on my own. Whether it's good or bad—who knows.

Promise me. Promise me you won't leave.

I love you.

I promise.

I...I love you too, Antonio.

[And that concludes this little drabble that turned into a story. At first, I wasn't going to end this story happily, but I really wanted this to end on the note that it did, and that wouldn't have been able to happen if I had done what I had originally planned. I really wanted to point out that, even in the manga, Lovino is the only person to make him sane. It's canon that Antonio has a darker side to his personality, but he put it at bay to raise Lovino. I may continue this with a short epilogue (not in the form of notes), but only if I get several requests to do it. I also want to bring to attention the several moments of dialogue, in which Lovino's sentences are properly written, but Antonio's have no capitalization. I did this on purpose. This is his brain's subconscious way of showing that he sees himself as lower than Lovino. There are also parts, earlier in his 'journal,' where his sentences don't make sense. I did this on purpose.This is to show the unraveling state of Antonio. His grammar gets better at the end because his head is clearer.

Thank you for reading, reviews are greatly appreciated.]