Mia

It was a particularly dreary day, almost Portland dreary. Almost. He landed in Vancouver at 5am, I'd offered to come meet him at the airport, but being as I flew in the night before, he told me to just go get some sleep, he'd meet me at the hotel later. Since I was feeling like a zombie after these last few months of no sleep and inter-continental flights, I didn't argue.

Trying to squeeze in any moment in these last few months to be together proved rather difficult, a night here,a day or two there, a 6 hour layover, where miraculously we ended up at the same airport. All these moments I cherished with everything I had, now knowing that we were coming to the last leg of it, I had a bit of a Christmas morning feeling about the whole thing. The last leg of Adam's tour would be the worst part of it. 2 solid weeks of back to back shows all through Canada and North America, with not even one night off, which meant 2 solid weeks apart. My tour was finishing up in Eastern Europe so I was flying to Prague the next afternoon. We had a little over 24 hours where our tours overlapped-thank god. Our plan after all of this was done, is to meet back in New York, at my apartment. I would be there a few days before his tour was over, it didn't matter, I was counting down the days, but for now we had a day and a half. We would make the most of it, like we always did.

I'm sleeping on the bed when I start to feel someone lightly playing with the strands of my hair, brushing a piece softly off my face, I know it's him, it's always him. For a second I'm not sure if I'm dreaming this, then my eyes flutter open, and there he is, the face I know so well. I must have really been out, because I didn't even hear him come in.

"Hi" I eek out, yawning.

He laughs a little

"I've never known a musician who needed so much sleep" he teases.

I'm still half asleep but I smile anyway

"Oh shut up! I didn't get in till 1am" I whine.

He slowly bends down and kisses me on the lips, it's like an electric current shocking my system, I'm suddenly very awake and very happy. I pull him in and kiss him harder. He obliges my every move, slowly I start to take off his shirt. Little pulses of heat come off my hands as I run them slowly over the planes of his chest. He slightly shivers.

I suddenly realize I'm fully clothed in jeans and a hoodie in the bed. I laugh a little. I must have been more exhausted than I realized when I got in here.

"What?" He asks kissing down the length of my jaw.

His touch is like fire, consuming me. Making me want more. I almost forget why I laughed.

" nothing.. Just... I didn't realize how tired I was. I didn't even change out of my jeans."

He's now kissing my collar-bone. Suddenly his head jerks up and there's that flirty grin of his. His head cocked to the side just slightly. Staring.

"Well please, let's remedy that situation immediately" he says in mock horror.

"Mmmmm" I say, still sounding a little groggy.

All of a sudden Adam is under the covers with me and his hand has found the soft spot of my belly. Slowly moving his hands up my torso, he starts to undress me. I still feel the butterflies bouncing around my stomach as his touch intensifies. Even after all these years apart, I feel it. Hands and lips and skin. Bareness touched chest to chest. Every part of my body is an answer, and the answer is yes.

Slowly he pulls away just an inch to look me straight in the eyes.

"I love you Mia" he says.

I lightly touch his face and smile. This is Adam. My Adam. Every horrible thing we've walked through just to be here. In this hotel room in Vancouver. Together. Just to say these words to each other. The words had never stopped being true. And I'm so grateful. I'm not grateful my family is gone, I miss them still everyday. But after a long time off feeling fucked up about it. I'm grateful that I stayed. That Adam stayed. That somehow we found each other again. I lean in and lightly kiss him on the lips and then look at him. The intensity is back and my whole being is on fire. I follow his lead as he takes me into our own private oblivion. I'm not sure I ever want to come back.

Afterwards, We fell asleep and awoke a few hours later. Slowly getting up I look at the clock on the night stand.

"shit! it's already 6pm! How long did we sleep"

"Who cares" he smiles at me. Lifting an eyebrow " besides we weren't only sleeping" his smile widens to that big goofy grin that is the true essence of him. I can't help but laugh, I know he's right.

" I know but I only get one day with you. I didn't want to spend it only in bed."

"I can't think of a better way to spend it." He smirks. " And correction, it's a day and a half, your flight doesn't leave till tomorrow afternoon and I have the night off, remember"

My panic dissipates, but the countdown of time never leaves, like a gavel ready to fall, screaming at me.times up! I relax back into his arms and we lay there looking at each other.

" so what would you like to do today, er.. I mean tonight?"

"stay here in this bed with you all night" he answers.

" hmm, that does sound like a lovely idea. But, what about dinner?"

He gives me a slightly annoyed look

" Mia, what do you think room service was invented for?" He sighs.

" order whatever you want, let's call it a night. I just want to be with you" he murmurs against my skin.

" I know your right. That's all I want too. It's just.. knowing that this is the last time before the tour ends..." I look down, a little embarrassed to admit how I'm feeling, but I say it anyway, "I'm just going to miss you, that's all."I know this makes him happy, because his face lights up like a Fourth of July firework.

" I'm going to miss you too, you have no idea. But it's only 2 weeks. It'll be over before you know it" he softly kisses the top of my head.

" and then I'll be home to New York, with you" my face lights up too.

I don't know why but just something about the thought of Adam being with me in New York, living with me in New York, just makes me really happy. But following that sweet and savory daydream I often have is an underlying worry about what he's giving up. I just can't believe he's really going to quit the band. We haven't really talked much about it since our first night back together in Brooklyn. He's already told the band. I know him well enough to know when he's made a decision he sticks with it, and selfishly I'm really ok with it. I love the idea of him being there, day and night, but I also know that music is his passion, he needs it like air to breathe, and I just don't want him to regret it.

A little later after we've ordered some room service, including a huge slice of chocolate cake that was ridiculously expensive, but worth every penny. We're flipping through the tv to figure out what to watch. It's 10pm but Were both wide awake, having showered and drank maybe too much coffee, and there's the different time zones were on too, I decide I should just bring up my fears with him.

" Adam?"I ask quietly.

I'm laying on the couch with my legs draped over his. He turns his face towards me and smiles

"Mia?" He says back with smirk.

I hesitate. Why does his smile always have that effect on me? It's like hijacking my brain from what I really want to say and making me think about skin and lips and touch. Stupid brain. I muster up the courage to just blurt it out.

"Are you sure about this?" I eek out. His expression darkens and I suddenly realize how that sounds. I correct myself

" I mean about the band. Not us. We're good. Great" I'm stumbling over myself. Breathe Mia. I sigh.

" I just meant, are you really sure about quitting the band? Is this really what you want?"

He looks at me for a long moment, his eyes searching mine, I don't know what he's looking for, but he seems to find it. His smile is a little sad but resolved.

"Yes it is. I'm sure" he answers back, "why?"

Just say it Mia, I think. Not wanting to upset him or anything, but if I loved him I would say it. So I do.

" it's just.. Being a musician, it's who you are. Like air to breathe. Water to drink. it's in your DNA, but It's a gift Adam. And I can't stand the thought of you throwing it away..." he opens his mouth to respond, but I cut him off.

" I'm not done" I say. " please just listen.." He nods.

What comes out next is mostly a monologue of all the things I've felt and some things I've never told him.

" these last few months have been amazing, being with you I mean, and I'm really glad I've gotten to see a lot of your shows. But something's been bothering me for a few weeks now. Lately when your on stage it's like you! The old you. The fire. the spark. The intensity. It's all there. You bleed it out on the stage. and I can feel it coming off of you and it's amazing. It's like you came back from the dead or something.." I pause. Noticing the sudden shift in his mood. Is he mad?

I continue anyway,

"I went to one of your shows" I blurt out.

He ponders this for a moment and the resentment seems to ebb away

" you did? When? Where? Why didn't you come find me?" He asks in a hurry, though we both know the answer to that last question.

"Where do you think? Where do I live? New York.."

"Madison square garden?" He asks.

" yes. It was collateral damage. I don't know why, I just had to I guess.. I sat in the nose bleed section. It really doesn't matter, and besides you were already with.." I trail off. I don't really want to say her name, and besides it's not really about his ex girlfriend anyways. He seems to sense my sadness or my jealousy, I'm not really sure which one, and he grabs my hand and squeezes.

" my point is, I sat in this huge stadium surrounded by strangers and I was completely in awe of everything you'd managed to accomplish, but then you guys took the stage, and I don't know there was just something that was off. Not the music, it was a great show. You killed it. But even from a hundred feet away looking at you from a jumbo tron.. There's was nothing. No fire. No spark. I could see it in your eyes. Like You were just going through the motions. Like you were a zombie. Afterwards when I was back at my apartment, I just remember thinking that maybe it wasn't my best idea to go.. Because I knew I'd never get the image of your eyes out of my head. And I couldn't bare to think that that's what you'd become.. Because of me."

Tears have started to roll down my face, and I'm Embarrassed for being such a dramatic girl. Adam doesn't seem to care either way, he scopes me up so that I'm sitting in his lap and we both just look at each other for a long time.

" I wasn't going to tell you that" I admit shyly.

" I'm Glad you did" he practically whispers.

"Yeah?"

" your right Mia. I was dead inside for a long time. But I don't want you to feel guilty for that. A lot of it was my own doing. I don't know why things had to go the way they did. But all I can think of now is that, in some twisted ass way, it brought me full circle. Back here to you."

How do you heal wounds so deep? How can you mend a broken heart? When you're the one who caused it. I guess with time and with love we can try to be what we once were, if not a better version of it. I tried to get over Adam, I really truly did. I even had a few relationships that never really went anywhere. I had just given up on the idea of that I guess, I was comfortable in my aloneness. That is until the day he showed up at Carnegie Hall, and all my barriers blew out like the wind. We're both crying now, holding each other.

"I should've know that even from a hundred feet away on a jumbo tron, you'd still be able to see right through my bullshit" he chuckles into my hair, slowly running his hand up and down the length of it. I smile into his chest. Suddenly I look at him and it's like a mirrored reflection of all my longing and wanting staring back at me.

" I love you Adam. With everything I am." I kiss him gently.

Smiling he responds.

" I know. But I want to be absolutely clear about something. I'm quitting the band, not music. I meant what I said before, I just need sometime to be me, to be with my guitar, to remember why I fell in love with music in the first place. And yeah, you're a part of that equation. But a really good part. We're going to be ok you and I. I just know it. Do you believe me?"

"Yes"

"Then trust me Mia. I know what I'm doing."

I nod and he kisses me again but this time there's a fire burning low but strong. I want him to take me into that place again, where nothing exists but us. He seems to sense my urgency and happily accepts. It doesn't matter whatever we face in the future. Because of one thing I'm absolutely positive. I choose Adam. And he chooses me.

The next afternoon he takes me to the airport, before he has to head out to the venue for sound check. I loathe goodbyes, but especially with him. I fight the urge to cry, Jesus when did I become such an emotional girl. Adam grabs my hands, which are still always cold and warms them with his breath like he always used to. For a second it feels like everything else has fallen away. And we're the only two people in this world huddled up In the corner of the airport.

"Call me when you land?" He asks.

I nod, never taking my gaze off him.

"I'll see you in 2 weeks" I smile.

"I'll be counting down the days" he responds.

He wraps his hands around the back of my neck and pulls me closer

"I love you Mia" he whispers against my breath. Finally his lips touch mine and I'm taken away to another place. A place I never want to leave. Suddenly I hear the giggles and realize we've been spotted. He must notice it too cause he pulls away, and slightly shifts his gaze to where a group of girls is standing 20 ft. Away with they're phones pointed at us. He sighs and rests his forehead against mine. My eyes are closed, "you'd better go, before we get mobbed at the airport by a bunch of teenagers!" I say.

He laughs and shakes his head in agreement.

Still holding on to the back of my head as he responds.

"Have a safe flight"

"Have a good show" I respond, he smiles.

One last look and he starts to walk away.

"Wait" I almost shout. At this point the girls with the cell phones are getting a great show, but I don't care. I run back up to him, crushing his mouth into one last kiss. He tenses for a minute, shocked, I guess from my sudden onslaught of PDA. Then he starts to smile, Pulling away he looks momentarily dazed, but happy.

"I love you too"