Why do I do these?

…

Gloin is angry when Legolas insults his wife and son and attacks the prince. Legolas' sword is sharper.

Balin is melted when he stands against a pillar while Smaug blows fire into the forges.

Legolas steps on Bifur's head while ballet dancing during the barrel run and sinks in the axe blade.

Bofur, having woken suddenly and smacked his head on a table in Laketown, dies of a concussion.

Nori is squashed by Smaug. (Because a Dragon has to trample somebody sooner or later.)

An annoyed Smaug finally decides to track down one quarry at a time and eats Dori.

Balin forgets how to make black powder and blows up Ori.

Fili tumbles down the stairs and one of his many daggers pierces his spine.

Kili dies because not even Hobbits can survive a Morgul blade for longer than ten minutes screen time.

Thorin underestimates his weight, sinks his wheelbarrow into the gold stream, and drowns.

Oin tries the muddy, orc-trodden "pigweed" Bofur procures and dies of bacteria poisoning.

Dwalin breaks his neck when the ore cart falls.

Beorn decides that "little rabbit that has gotten fat on bread and honey" (aka Bilbo) looks tasty and eats him.

Gandalf begs J.R.R. Tolkein to slay him and end his misery.

Bombur, who is the champion barrel monster and sprinter of the team, kills the orc army and is declared a hero.