A/N: A little bit of background on this story: I thought it'd be interesting (considering the Ali/Noel kiss rumours floating around before 5x09 aired), to think about the shot in the promo where Emily is looking at those photos, and what if one of them was of Ali and Noel together? And the rest sort of stemmed from there.

I wrote this before 5x09 aired, and it begins immediately after 5x08 ended, with the scene in Hanna's room - except I thought it was Alison's room, so let's pretend for the purposes of this story that Alison told her Dad about the break-in at the Marin house and he rushed home. So it will be canon divergence from 5x08 - I'll still probably use elements from the show but possibly not.

I know the mystery of -A is the big thing on the show, but I'm more interested in the characters themselves, and that's what I want to primarily focus on in this fic, so -A isn't going to have a huge part in the story.

There are mentions of Ali x Noel past relationship in this, and there will probably be mentions of Paily too at some point, and Emaya.

Set me free,
Leave me be,
I don't wanna fall another moment into your gravity

"Do you have any idea how messed up this is?" Emily asks when Spencer's gone home, and it's just her and Alison in the blonde's room, and she's angry, furious that Alison could pull something like this without telling them and god, what else is she hiding from them?

From her?

"Like I said before," Alison mutters back, still messing around with her clothes in the bag, her back to Emily so that the brunette can't see her face. "It worked, didn't it?"

"But that's not the point!" They're alone in the house so she doesn't bother trying to keep her voice down, lets her frustration shine through and when Alison whirls around there's anger in her eyes, too, and Emily wonders if it's because for perhaps the first time, she's daring to challenge her. "Did you even think this through? How wrong it could have gone?"

"But it didn't," Alison hisses, and like this, beautiful and terrible and with a glare etched across her face, her eyes an icy blue, she reminds Emily so much of the old Alison that it breaks her heart, because she thought… she never thought she'd ever had to see her like this again.

And she doesn't want to admit it, doesn't even want to think it, but deep down she knows that, on-top of everything else, that there's the feeling of jealousy churning within her gut. Because Alison chose Noel to help her, confided in Noel, is still in contact with him even now that she's back in Rosewood and she can't… she can't help wondering if she's been a massive idiot this whole time and that behind her back, Alison and Noel laugh about how pathetically in love with Alison she still is, even after all this time, because she'd chosen him over her.

"Can we just drop this, please?" Alison sighs, and she looks exhausted, when Emily dares to glance at her, like the weight of all her secrets and lies are getting to be too much for her. "What's done is done, and I can't take it back now."

"That doesn't make it okay," Emily snaps back because she's not ready to let this go, she's not ready for this to be yet another thing that they never talk about again (and she's not bitter about the fact that Alison hasn't brought up that kiss ever again, she's not except it's all she can think about when they're alone together and she hates it, hates that Alison still has such a hold over her even after all this time).

"Look, I'm sorry, okay?" Emily knows that Alison doesn't apologize easily, but then she can't help wondering if she's only saying it now to get Emily off her back and why does Alison have to make her doubt every little thing? "I know it was wrong, but I… had to do something."

"And you couldn't have asked someone else to do it? You couldn't have told us about it? You came back here and say you've changed but everything's still the same – you still don't trust us, you trust Noel Kahn more than us? After everything we've been through? After everything we've done for you?"

Her voice cracks with the weight of the emotion behind her words, and she feels tears spring up behind her eyes and hates it, blinks them back hastily because she will not cry in-front of Alison, not like this.

"Emily I… Noel and I have history, okay? It's complic - "

"Because you and I don't?" She feels her heart shatter and break inside her chest, and really, what had she been expecting? She's stupid and too trusting and so naïve when it comes to Alison, and she always was and Alison makes her feel fifteen years old with just a single glance and still, she loves her.

She loves her and it hurts, and she wishes she could reach into her chest and claw out her heart because she can't deal with it, with any of this, she never asked for it, never wanted to fall in love with a woman who would never love her back, who would only play with her emotions to keep her close, and shatter her heart into a million pieces just for fun.

And she just needs to get out of there, all of a sudden, can't stand to look at this woman that she loves in spite of it all, can't stand to let Alison see her cry because the tears start to fall, and she wipes them away with the back of her hand as she turns on her heel and heads out of the door.

"Emily! Wait - " Alison calls for her, Alison reaches for her, fingers scrabbling at Emily's wrist, but she yanks her arm away and practically runs down the stairs until she's slamming the front door behind her and sliding into her car, and then she doesn't know where to go because she's a mess and she can't go home looking like this.

In the end it's an easy decision, because there's one person who's just as much of a mess as she is, right now, life turned upside down by Alison's return, and she pulls into Hanna's drive and knocks on the door and is relieved when the blonde opens the door.

And she looks as bad as Emily feels, her hair tangled and messy and there are red circles around her eyes and she's clearly been crying, and she stinks of alcohol – it permeates the air between them as she appraises Emily as she stands in the doorway.

"You look like shit," is all she says as she steps aside and beckons her inside.

"So do you." Hanna merely shrugs, leading the brunette up to her room without another word – it's dark inside, the lights switched off and the drapes drawn, and she clambers into the bed and then pats the space next to her, and Emily follows her without protest.

"Wanna talk about it?"

"Do you?" She counters, and Hanna's lips quirk upwards into a wry smile before she reaches over the side of the bed, and when she reappears there's bottle of whiskey in her hand, half-empty, and Emily knows that, considering everything, she should be the responsible friend and take it away, because Hanna's spiralling out of control and Emily shouldn't enable her.

But fuck being responsible, because where has that gotten her so far? Heartbroken and feeling desperately alone?

So when Hanna hands stretches her arm towards her, handing her the bottle, instead of shaking her head like she knows she should, she takes it instead and unscrews the lid, pressing it to her lips and taking a gulp of the dark liquid within – she coughs when it slides down the back of her throat because it stings, and Hanna laughs at the expression of distaste on her face as she grabs the bottle and takes her own sip.

Emily's phone rings, and she glances at the caller ID and sees that it's Alison and snatches the bottle back, takes another drink, and Hanna notices the name but doesn't say a word – instead she throws her a sympathetic smile and wraps an arm around her back and it's only then that Emily starts to feel a little better.

x-x-x

She waits for Alison in her room.

She knows where the spare key is, had snuck into the house earlier that evening and just… waited. It had gotten dark around her, the sun setting and dusk settling in, but she hadn't moved from the centre of the blonde's bed, where still she sits cross-legged with the photos spread out around her, her evidence of Alison's betrayal.

She can't stop herself from looking at them, and it feels like a stab to the heart each and every time she does, and she hates it, hates that she's jealous because she has no right, she has no claim to Alison DiLaurentis and she clearly never had, and she probably never will.

And yet she can't stop the pain that floods her chest every time her eyes land on the picture in-front of her, the one where Noel's hands are on Alison's waist, and Alison's are on his shoulders, and they're kissing.

She remembers seeing it for the first time, pulling it out of that damn envelope and she hates A most of all, in all of this, for orchestrating her finding them, for knowing that seeing them would hurt her far worse than anything else A had ever done to her in the past.

When the front door finally, finally opens she starts to regret coming over here in the first place – she's avoided Ali since she'd left this room the other night, had skipped two days of school with Hanna before Spencer had quite literally dragged the two of them out of the house that morning, and she'd done well at being everywhere that Ali wasn't, with Hanna's (unquestioning) help.

And then she'd found the pictures, and she'd been so… mad. Hot, seething fury that had slid through her veins and made her hands shake, because how dare Alison have kissed her back, how dare she let Emily believe that a single thing had changed, when she was off making out with Noel Kahn when Emily wasn't looking?

And that had led her to this room, and she feels cold dread settling in her stomach when she hears the sound of footsteps on the stairs but it's too late, she's gone too far, and there's no way she can get out of this now, so she straightens her spine and she waits.

It doesn't take long – Alison heads straight for her room, flicks on the light, and jumps back in shock when she sees Emily sitting on her bed, bag slipping from her hand and its contents spilling out across the floor.

"Emily, y-you scared me." She shuts the door behind her, and it's only then that she notices the photographs on the bed, and her face visible pales. "Where… where did you get those?"

"A sent them to me." She leans forward and grabs the centre one, the one of Alison and Noel that she can't seem to tear her gaze away from for too long in spite of how much it hurts her, curls her shaking fingers around it and tries not to crush it (because she wants to, she wants to crush that and the both of them, too), and thrusts it towards Alison. "But this one. This one's my favourite."

"Emily…"

"No, take it. Really look at it." Her voice is cold and emotionless, and she sounds… empty and this is what Alison's done to her and she wants her to know that. Alison's fingers tremble as they reach to take the photo, and she glances down at it and a shadow of regret crosses her face before her eyes flicker back up to meet brown.

"Emily I… I don't know what to say."

"How about the truth for once in your fucking life?" She snaps, and Alison flinches, and instead of feeling gratified by it she's sickened, sickened by herself and her jealousy and the fact that she'd been stupid enough to believe that she ever meant anything to Alison. "Was it all just… a game to you? Do you get off on messing me around? God, I can't believe I actually thought… Did I ever mean a damn thing to you?"

"How can you ask me that?" Alison sounds appalled, but Emily doesn't know how to believe it. "Em, of course you - "

"Don't fucking touch me," she hisses when Alison reaches for her, and she scrambles backwards until she's standing on the opposite side of the bed, and she glares at Alison across it and she wears her heartbreak on her face and tears slip from her eyes and still, still she loves her.

She loves her and wishes she could hate her.

"This," Alison brandishes the photo and then scrunches it up in her hand and throws it away, and there's a blazing anger in her eyes now, too, and they shine a luminescent blue in the semi-darkness. "Doesn't mean anything. But you do. You mean everything to me."

"Stop lying." And she's pleading now, because she can't hear this, she can't hear words like that because it makes her heart ache, and it's too shattered and too shredded and she can't take any more of this, can't take any more of Alison, because she's going to destroy her and Emily's going to let her.

"I'm not lying. Yes, I kissed him – is that what you want to hear? Because I did. More than once." Her words are etched with frustration and it stings, and Emily feels the tears gathering behind her eyes, can imagine all too easily Alison's lips on his, his hands all over her and god, it makes her feel sick to her stomach but she can't wipe the thoughts away. "But you were… you were lost to me, you were with Maya and then Paige and do you think that it didn't hurt me, too? To see you with them? With them and… happy in a way that I knew I could never make you?"

"Don't make this my fault." She feels leaden, wants to sink to the floor and never get up again, but she can't, she needs to be strong and she's an idiot for thinking it was a good idea to come over here. "I thought you were dead. You let me think that you were dead for two years and it destroyed me and then you just waltz back into our lives like nothing's changed?"

"Because you asked me to!" Alison practically yells, and there are tears behind her eyes now, too, but Emily doesn't know if they're real or fake and she can't bear to think anymore because it hurts, it hurts so much, and she hates that Alison is so guarded, because how can she ever know what she's thinking?

"Because I love you!" It tears from her throat, and her voice is raw with emotion because she's been ripped open by Alison, ripped open and left for dead, because she doesn't know how to repair the cracks that the last few weeks have put in her. "Because I love you and I couldn't… I couldn't lose you again. But now I wonder if I already have."

Alison just looks at her with sadness in her eyes and Emily feels more tears start to fall but doesn't bother to wipe them away, because she wants Alison to see – she wants Alison to know what she does to her, how she wrecks her and ruins her and tears her to pieces, she wants her to look at her and know because she's sick of hiding, sick of pretending that none of it matters so long as she has Alison because it does matter.

When her phone rings she wants to ignore it but she knows that she shouldn't, and when she sees it's Hanna she sighs, because she knows that, after spending the last few days together, the blonde won't give up until she reaches her and finds out that she's okay.

Because Hanna knows, now, she knows everything (apart from the photos, Emily hadn't told anyone about them), and Emily knows about her creepy boss and she'd yelled at him for it yesterday, had gotten herself fired over it, but she doesn't care because at least now everyone who had been in the shop that day knew what an asshole he was, and Aria was furious with her and Hanna now, but… it'd all be worth it, in the end, if it meant that her Mom didn't end up marrying him.

"Hey," she answers before the call goes to voicemail, and she regrets not taking more time to gather herself because she sounds awful.

"You're crying," Hanna says immediately, concern colouring her voice. "What's wrong? Do you need me to come over? Do I need to kick Spencer's butt for dragging us into school today?"

"No, I… I'm fine."

"You're not fucking fine, Emily, don't lie to me. What's up? Is it Alison?" Hanna's made her dislike and distrust of Alison perfectly clear when they'd been alone and very drunk together, and really, Emily can't blame her – it had been Hanna that, out of the four of them, had suffered the most at Alison's hands, after all.

Hanna had very gently reminded her that no, it had been Emily who had it the worst, when the brunette had brought it up, and she'd gone quiet for a very long time after that, until Hanna had realized her mistake and very tactfully changed the subject.

"No."

"I just told you not to lie to me! What's she done now?"

"Nothing Han, look, I - "

"Are you at her place now?"

"Maybe?"

"Emily," Hanna groans in frustration, because she'd been the one to suggest that she stay away from Alison and Hanna would stay away from Caleb, because the two of them were probably the unhealthiest thing for them right now. "I thought we agreed."

"Technically I never did," she points out, and she's kind of forgotten that Alison's in the room and it's a little easier to breathe. "And I saw you talking to Caleb after school today, so - "

"That wasn't my fault! He sought me out, I couldn't escape." She hears the blonde sigh, heavily. "Look, she's not good for you right now, Em, okay?"

"You think I don't know that?"

"Do you?" She looks at Alison then, sees the way she's sitting on the edge of the bed and looking at the photographs, sees the exhaustion written all over her face and she knows, she knows that they're a disaster, that she shouldn't be here because she can't think straight around Alison and it's… dangerous. "Crap, my Mom's calling me for dinner, I have to go. Please don't do anything stupid?"

"That's kind of my thing, though, when we're together." And it is, it always had been – she'd been the one to kiss her for the first time on that dusty library floor, and she'd been the one to kiss her again the other night in this very room, she'd been the one to confuse things even more and she has no-one to blame for any of this but her own damn self.

"Well in that case… I'll be at home, if you need me, later."

"With whiskey?"

"Vodka, actually, we drank all the whiskey. Now I really do have to go – please call me, if you need me."

"I will, I promise." When she hangs up and slips her phone back into her pocket, Alison is watching her with steely blue eyes.

"You shouldn't be encouraging her. She has a problem."

"Yeah, well, sometimes I need to drink to get you out of my head, and she's the only one who understands that, so… at least we can drink ourselves into an early grave together."

"Don't talk like that."

"Why not? Because you have to pretend like you care?" Alison glares at her and she stares right back, and she's so tired, and she shouldn't have come here, she should have listened to Hanna and stayed far away, and she'd been stupid to think that coming over her with the pictures had been a good idea, because she feels even worse than she did before – and she hadn't even thought that possible.

"I'm not pretending anything. I do care about you."

"You have a funny way of showing it. You say that you meant what you said outside of that barn, you make me think that I mean something to you, spend the night kissing me and then never bring it up again, and then go and kiss someone else?"

"I told you, that was - "

"In the past, yeah, yeah. I don't know how to believe that, though, when Noel is clearly still your go-to boy. You clearly trust him more than you trust me, because to trust me that would mean you actually had to tell me things and god forbid you do that."

Alison looks hurt and she feels vindicated even as she despises herself because she shouldn't take pleasure in that, in hurting the woman that she loves, and she just… really needs to get out of there. Again. She's halfway to the door when Alison grabs her wrist, just like last time, but this time Emily can't shake her off, and she's slammed back against the wall beside the door and she's frozen in place by the fury in Alison's eyes.

"Don't you dare walk away from me again! Stop taking the easy way out, stop complaining about me not trusting you or not explaining anything to you when you never give me a fucking chance to!" It's probably the first time she's ever heard Alison swear at her, because they've never argued before, not like this, because Emily had never dared to.

And Alison's hands shake as they pin Emily down, and she can feel the heat from Alison's body against her own and god, she wants to kiss her, she wants to kiss her until there's nothing else left in the world but her, and she hates herself for it, for not being strong enough to think about something (anything) else.

"I don't trust him more than you. I don't trust anyone more than you. But I don't want to burden you with some of things… some of things that I've done… you were always so sweet and so gentle and I couldn't… I could never tell you about some of things I had to do to survive. I could never ask you to do some of things that I've asked from Noel. He's my friend and I know he'd do anything for me - "

"I'd do anything for you." It's a broken whisper; she's broken, she's been broken for a long time, the wounds from Alison's disappearance had never truly healed and they've been torn open anew and she doesn't know how to fix them.

"I know you would. But I can't ask you to, don't you understand that? After all the things I've done to you, after all the times I broke your heart, after all the times I told you I didn't want you when I did, I… I could never ask anything of you ever again."

"You ask me to do things all the time. You ask to stay over at my place, you ask me to stay over at yours. You ask me to walk you home. You ask me - "

"Because I'm selfish. I'm selfish and I want you and I know that if I ask you you'll say yes and that's… messed up, I know it is, but you avoided me for so long after I came back and I just… I wanted to spend time with you. And the things Noel's done… the things he's done for me, I could never ask that of you. I care about you too much."

"But you were still with him. You were with him and not me. You chose him, instead of me. You could've stayed, you never had to leave. You could've told us about A – you could've told me about A – and we would've helped you. But instead you left me behind and you never once looked back and you only ever look out for yourself and I don't know how to believe that you ever gave a shit about me."

Once she starts talking she doesn't really know how to stop, and every doubt she's been keeping inside since Alison came back comes spilling out, and Alison is right there, looking at her with sad, sad eyes, and she's not even surprised when Alison kisses her, because that's what she's always done when she gets scared that Emily is pulling away.

She kisses her and it keeps Emily coming back.

And she hates the way that she kisses her back, instead of pushing her away, and it's desperate, and Alison clutches at her like she'll never be able to get close enough. She hates the way her hands grab for Alison's hips instead of reaching for her shoulders to shove her back, and she drags her closer instead as her lips part for Alison's tongue, but most of all, most of all she hates the way that Alison kisses her, like she matters.

Because she can't help but think that she doesn't, as her nails dig into Alison's flesh hard enough to leave half-moon marks on her skin (and she wants to, she wants to leave a mark on her, because god knows Alison has left a lifetime's worth of scars on her), and when the blonde moans into her mouth it sends a bolt of heat between her legs and she hates it, hates that Alison can turn her on even when she's so mad that she just wants to scream, when there's still a seething fury running like fire through her veins.

And yet still, still, she can't bring herself to hate Alison.

She puts a stop to it eventually – when their lips are bruised and her head is hazy and all she can hear in her ears is the sound of Alison moaning – pushing her away and then whirling towards the door, running a shaking hand through her hair because she can't… she can't do this anymore, this back and forth and never knowing where she stands, and she'd been too scared before to stand up for herself, to give Alison an ultimatum, too terrified that she'd lose her for good.

But she thinks, as Alison stares at her with flushed cheeks, her lipstick smudged and her hair mussed from Emily's hands, that nothing can hurt her more than this – nothing can be worse than being in this limbo where Alison kisses her when she wants and won't talk to her about anything and she's just… she's so tired.

"You can't just kiss me and think that it'll make everything better." There's venom in her words because she's angry, angry at herself for losing control and angry at Alison for making her, and she stands in the doorway and her hands shake and she has to look away from Alison's eyes, focuses on the floor instead. "I'm not some kind of… plaything, for you to mess around with when you feel like and drop when you don't. And when you actually want to have a conversation about… us, about whatever the fuck we're doing, then you know where to find me, but until then? Just… stay away from me. Please."

She doesn't wait for Alison's answer, can't bear to hear what she might have to say because she's terrified that it might be enough to make her stay, and she needs some space, she needs… she needs to go to Hanna's and get herself wasted and that's probably the unhealthiest thing that she could possibly do but she needs something to help her get out of her own head, to be able to stop thinking about Alison fucking DiLaurentis for even just a few seconds before she drives herself crazy.

So she walks out of the door and she doesn't look back.