A/N: Some have claimed that a few of my stories are 'self-inserts,' as though my original characters are somehow 'me' vicariously having these exciting adventures. Maybe. A little. Among the vast ranks of authors, I don't think I'm alone in that some aspects of my characters' personalities are bits and pieces of myself. But I have never consciously written a story wherein I, personally, am the protagonist.

Until now.

So pop some corn and hang on to your hats, folks. You might wanna get a tight grip on your seats as well. Zoop's going to Middle Earth to interview Orcs. To get the real scoop on what they're thinking in the primary period of her writing. The end of the Third Age, if you're not keeping score.

Word of warning: Zoop is not going to dive headfirst into Orc pants. She's a happily married woman. With children. This does not mean she won't throw others directly into Orc pants. Gleefully. With wild abandon and much maniacal laughter. Hand over fist, if needs be. I like to put a smile on an Orc's face; that's how I roll. :D

Zoop Goes to Middle Earth
Day 1 – Starting Out in Mundane-Land

In preparation for my grand adventure, I've gathered a mess of crap I'm sure I won't need, but can't seem to walk out the door without. Figuratively speaking. Because one can't just walk into Mordor.

To begin with, I want to be as unobtrusive as possible. As non-just-bamfed-in-from-another-world as I can get. So clothing-wise, I'm going for serf. I've got the medieval equivalent of clam-diggers, a bulky shirt without buttons, a cloth vest, and brogans from a recent Civil War re-enactment's merchant tent because I refuse to putter about barefoot in a hostile environment. I did that once the night before the Indy 500, and was picking glass out of my feet for hours afterward. Never again.

It took some hunting on the internet, but I managed to secure a canvas bag that looked semi-not-from-the-21st-century. It's a replica of the one Kaylee carries in Firefly, if you're curious. Adorable.

Yes, I'm totally going to Middle Earth carrying a Kaylee bag. What of it?

Next, the contents have to be helpful to me, but not 'give away the game' helpful so to speak. Nor can any of it be electronic, unless I want to also bring the schematics for a Hobbit-powered charging device. Badly as I want to bring my iPod and entertain Orcs with Rammstein and Abba. Nope, better leave the introductions to disco and death metal to my fics. Orcs can't kill me if they're make-believe.

So far, I'm planning on bringing the following: hand sanitizer, bars of soap, toothbrush and toothpaste, a roll of TP (I assume by the time it runs out, a 'native' solution will have presented itself), a year's supply of the medications I have to take (one does not make it to middle age without requiring a drug regimen – this is America), and a means of return. And changes of clothing. We won't be re-wearing underwear six times by flipping it inside out and rotating around the waist and leg holes, no matter how desperate we are.

I've contemplated it, and I think I will most definitely bring The Lord of the Rings trilogy with me for reference. Here are two reasons why that is not a problem: 1) it would likely take an act of someone's deity to translate modern English text into ancient Westron text, which I think is written in Tengwar anyway, and 2) a lot of the place and people names are likewise 'translations' from the 'original,' so nobody will know who anyone is anyway.

Black Speech references, I assume, would be useless since they are, by and large, modern inventions. If the Ring's inscription can't help me, nothing will.

The other trick that I hope won't be a problem (insert quiet chuckle here) is understanding the common speech of the 'natives' of Middle Earth. (snicker harder) I'm anticipating that (snort) there is enough of a relationship between spoken Westron and modern English that conversations won't be an issue (giggle).

But just in case I'm dead wrong, a Sindarin dictionary is also coming along. I've even translated some useful phrases for particularly desperate situations, such as, 'Where can I pee?', 'Should I run from that?', and 'Don't kill the Orc.' I'm also bringing along an adventuring girl's bulk supply of pepper spray and some short bungee cords for detaining hostiles. I'm not Biz, for crying out loud.

Now then. The means of getting there. And returning once the damage is done, of course. I'm not going to reveal those secrets. We each visit Middle Earth in our own fashion. Mine will involve the Witching Hour, and that's all I'll say on the matter.

Next stop, Rivendell. Or Moria, if I overshoot the target.

References:

Biz – protagonist of Weird Summoning