A/N: I'm back with a short one! You guys better thank me for this!

Chapter 5: THE ONLY THING BETTER THAN COFFEE IS FREE COFFEE!

"Fifty-four bottles of beer on the wall! Fifty-four bottles of beer! Take one down— uh—" Hermione paused in her belting, then seemed to reach a conclusion, "—smash it on someone's head! Fifty-three bottles of beer on the wall!"

It was the first day of classes and Hermione had made sure to get up extra early so none of the other dweebs could hit the breakfast buffet before her. But when Hermione had woken up, she found she was sprawled over the bottom of the girls' dorm stairs. Dragging herself into a standing position and adjusting her nightgown, she determined that wizard schools were just surprisingly liberal about sleeping arrangements. As soon as she found the kitchen, she wasn't gonna leave.

She quickly ran back up to her room and stared critically at the school uniform. It was way too… Martha Stewart. Hermione only wore Chuck Norris level clothing! HYAH! She pantomimed karate-chopping an invisible person. 10,000 POINTS! Besides, the robes were way too flappy around the legs. Can't properly kick people with that, no sir. So she forwent the black robes and just put on a white collar shirt and slacks.

Barrelling down the stairs, Hermione realized why she was at the bottom of them in the first place when she tripped and somersaulted to the ground.

"Damn," someone drawled. "I'm completely out of funny things to say."

Hermione snapped up her head and ignored the blood that trickled into her eye. "Silver-Hair!" But the boy had already started to make a break for it. Popping back up to her feet, she darted after him— faster than a speeding police motorbike chasing after a wayward Dullahan. (Yes, that's a legit metaphor. No, I'm not worried about copyright infringement. What do you mean I'm getting sued? SOMEONE GET THE ACE ATTORNEY!)

So that's how Hermione ended up skipping through Hogwart's corridors at seven in the morning belting Ninety-Nine Bottles of Beer On the Wall at the top of her lungs. (Though any intelligent person knows that belting with all of her lungs, not just the top bits, makes for louder belting.) Harry Potter was stuck in the unfortunate position of trailing behind her nursing a giant egg on top of his head.

Abruptly, Hermione halted in the middle of a verse and stood frozen. Slowly, she turned her face around like she expected an evil apparition to burst from her TV. Instead, the apparition burst from the wall, which was far less frightening. "S-S-Silver-Hair, d-don't look behind you, whatever you do!" Hermione rose a shaking finger in the approximate direction of "behind" which was paradoxically the same direction as "forward."

Harry took the dragon egg off his head and hefted it in his arms. "Oh, I see what you're trying to do, weird girl, and I ain't falling for it this time! When I turn around, no one's gonna be there and I'm going to look like an i—"

"Look who we have here," a creature from the depths snarled from the exact direction that was the opposite of the direction in which Harry might or might not have been staring, depending on the astrological configuration of the moon and Jupiter. If this direction is contingent upon the direction that the creature wasn't facing, then the direction Harry was facing couldn't have been similarly different, unless the direction of Hermione and the creature were not at all at parallel latitudes. In which case, the cast of this story has entered the fourth dimension and we have lost our ability to perceive them. "Our new — celebrity."

Harry turned around with a blank look on his face to the horrible visage of the greasy-haired Potion's master.

"Twenty points from Gryffindor for loitering," he sneered and then continued on his merry way, Harry and Hermione's eyes following him until he turned a corner.

Harry said, with no small amount of incredulity, "Did he just completely ignore the fact that I was holding an illegal dragon egg?"

"Where'd you get that anyway, Silver-Hair?" Hermione asked. "The kitchens?"

"Where else do you think the scrambled eggs come from? Chickens? Pah!" Neither of them paused to think about the fact that they loitered in the middle of hopelessly confusing maze of a hallway.

Hermione was dumbstruck. "You know where the kitchens are?!"

"But of course! I'm Harry Potter!"

It was at that moment that Hermione decided to be friends with Harry Potter. Clearly, this was a boy who had a subsonic radar that could locate free food anywhere in a thousand meter radius. "Well, let's go!"

"Ah, I sorta have to find the Owlery so I can mail this to my cousin—"

"LET'S," Hermione grabbed Harry's arm and pulled it over her shoulder until Harry flipped onto his back, "GO!" Harry slammed onto his back and all the air went out of his lungs. The dragon egg fell out of his hand and rolled away mysteriously. "Because I'm Hermione Granger!"

"Ughh," Harry responded.

Hermione giggled and skipped down the corridor.

Meanwhile, a certain sadist picked up a dragon's egg. He smirked and filed it under his robes.

Harry failed to find the kitchens a second time but Hermione was sure that Harry's bloodhound nose was just confused by the new influx of students. They did find the Great Hall, and by that time breakfast was served so it didn't matter anyway.

Near the end of the meal, a redhead marched up to Harry with a furious face. "HARRY! You left me to die—"

Harry cut him off with a quick, "Hermione, meet Glasses. Glasses, this is Hermione."

"My name isn't Glasses, it's Ron! That's three letters! It actually takes more effort to call me Glasses than to call me by my real name!"

"See?" Harry mumbled, "He's so noisy." Hermione nodded.

Ron screeched in frustration and McGonagall finally approached the three students with their schedules.

Harry perked up, "Old lady! I've been meaning to ask you! I want to start up an odd jobs—"

"Not now, you good-for-nothing scum." She exhaled smoke. "I'm too busy with start of term paperwork. Take your schedules and get out of my sight." She tossed the papers on the table in a plate of pudding.

Ron scowled and carefully extracted the papers.

"But it's part of the plot!" Harry exclaimed.

"Plot!" McGonagall laughed, "There is no plot!"

"Ah." Harry clapped his fist in his other hand. "You're right."

BLOOPERS:

[On the screen is a still-shot of the Yorozuya headquarters above Otose's Snack Shop]

Gin: OI OI OI! What the hell is this, ah?! Meet Harry Potter? You're not going on a first date with the asshole, yer reading about him!

Kagura: Gin-chan, what's a loaf-aru?

Shinpachi: Kagura-chan, I think that's a person who doesn't work. Like a NEET.

Kagura: Oh!

Gin: Argh! Why is this thing so long?! I ain't reading this shit!

Shinpachi: But according to the website, there's still room for 46 more characters!

Gin: Thank god we were spared that torture! This person's worse than the Ape!

Shinpachi: W-W-Wait a minute! How come none of these payment options have anything to do with me?! I'm a main character!"

[Scene cuts out with an image of Sorachi-sensei scratching his butt.]

A/N: My lazitude knows no bounds. At least you guys had Snape interaction, right?

Now, I want you all to imagine Takasugi with a pet dragon. Just sit down and picture it, 'kay?

Yeah. I know.

PLEASE PLEASE REVIEW! It's not hard! Let's say you read this, and ya like it, just write: "Nice story." If ya didn't like it - congratulations on making it this far!

Key:

Parry Hotter - Sintoki Gakata

Hermione - Kagura

Redhead - Glasses

McGonagall - Otose

Snape - Snape - Severus Snape -

Sadist - Okita Sogo - (Damian Perris)

PUNCH LINE

"Hoping to get a head start on the next day, I eat breakfast the night before. That way I can sleep in until two in the afternoon." ― Jarod Kintz