A/N: This is Gintama, the only story where plagiarizing is the key to success, so it is all mine. Everything is mine now.

ABOUT THE TITLE!

Hai-iro is the color grey. Tama can mean "soul" or "balls."

THEREFORE: Haitama is a philosophical metaphor for the futility of the human condition.

IT'S HARRY POTTER LIKE YOU'VE NEVER SEEN BEFORE...

Meet Harry Potter, an unmotivated sugar-obsessed loaf with dead-fish eyes who might or might not actually have an effect on the plot.

Meet Hermione Granger, a smartass thug whose eating habits will eventually cause her to resort to cannibalism.

Meet Ronald Weasley, a completely unremarkable person. He wears glasses.

Meet Hedwig, an over-sized snowy owl that doesn't quite fit in the Hogwarts Owlery, but does anyway by violently strangling the other owls in their sleep.

Together, they form a Helpers Club for the students of Hogwarts, oh, wait, sorry, I thought this was a SKET DANCE crossover, nevermind, let's try this again.

Together, they form Odd Jobs, a business in the employee of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. Services paid in galleons, parfaits, pickled seaweed, or Shonen Jump.

Chapter 1: TOADS ARE BETTER EATEN WITH TERIYAKI SAUCE THAN WITH BARBECUE!

"Are you Harry Potter?"

The sounds of a train barreling down the tracks. A boy with unruly white hair put down his comic to look at the person who had opened the door to his compartment. His dead-fish eyes seemed to say, 'I really don't give a shit who I am,' but then he spoke.

"No. I'm Spartacus."

The original speaker was a rather plain looking redhead. He adjusted the glasses on his nose, then exploded, "What kind of name is that?! You're obviously Harry Potter, just look at your head!"

Harry Potter fingered a piece of his hair, and then broke down into sobs. "This is because of my hair, isn't it? If I was just born with regular straight hair, my entire life wouldn't have been a lie!" In his anguish, he fell to the floor and started to look under his seat with fervor.

"No no no," Glasses quickly backtracked, "Not your hair, your scar! On your forehead! It's proof that you're Harry Potter."

"Ah, that?" He stopped looking and lay on his back. The redhead remained awkwardly standing in the doorway. "Yeah, no. Drowning related incident, ya see. My mum dropped me in the bathtub and I got electrocuted. After that I manifested superpowers, so whenever I put my hand on my scar, someone dies—"

"How is that a drowning-related incident!? You got electrocuted! And how can you get electrocuted if you fell in the bathtub?! That doesn't make any sense!"

"Don't try me!" The boy hovered his hand over his forehead, his face a challenge.

"Nothing is going to happen if you touch your damn scar!"

"You asked for it." He grabbed his forehead and bent over in pain.

A heart-wrenching scream came from down the hallway. "TREVOR!"

Glasses looked really unsettled. "...What did you do?"

"Nothing you didn't ask for."

Glasses looked like he wanted to run away, but, "I still think you're Harry Potter."

"Meh. I'm the main character, so it's probably true."

"What?"

"Nothing."

Glasses sat down in the compartment, Harry remaining on the floor. "I'm Ron Weasley, by the way."

"I really don't care."

The silence stretched out. Then, "What were you looking f—"

"Don't ask."

A girl with an umbrella entered the train. Well, no, that's not exactly what happened, but it was close.

What actually happened was a girl with an umbrella and a parachute jumped out of a plane twenty thousand feet up in the air with the words "SCREW YOU BALDY!" on her lips. As she plummeted to the earth, goggles on, wearing a red jumpsuit and a helmet with a sticker that said 'FUCKING ANARCHY' in all caps, she laughed. She laughed in the maniacal manner only Disney villains are able to replicate. In other words, she was British.

Once she was close enough to the earth that if she waited any longer to pull her parachute she'd smash into the ground, her parachute deployed. On her parachute was the face of a cute fluffy white dog. Her landing pad was none other than a train. A train that was just taking off.

"Crap," she mumbled, and quickly steered herself.

When she landed on the last car, the train was moving full speed. She stumbled then quickly latched on to a protruding hatch with all her strength, her parachute streaming out behind her, trying to drag her off. If she didn't get rid of the parachute fast, she'd miss the train! Holding on with one hand, she used the other to slide the strap off her shoulder, then switched hands and got rid of the other strap. Her parachute ripped free into the air, the train moving so fast it was a mere smudge on the tracks.

The girl sighed, then got out her umbrella and put it on her shoulder. Lying on her stomach, she leaned over the side of the train until a window was in smashing distance of her umbrella. Winding the instrument back, she swung down with all her might, easily shattering the glass. Inside came distant shouts. The girl kept swinging her umbrella until she had cleared a foothold, and then stood up. The girl grabbed a ledge, and swung herself in.

That was how Hermione Granger got on the Hogwarts Express.

She landed in the midst of a compartment full of older boys. Every single one had the identical expression of a person who had just witnessed an event that, had they watched in on YouTube, they would have claimed it was fake. Instead, they were stuck in the uncomfortable position of being the stupid people in the video who reacted to the strange event. One kid had his cigarette practically falling out of his mouth.

Hermione took off her helmet, revealing brown hair held up in a bun with bangs surrounding her face and an expression that practically screamed, "Wanna go?!"

The kid with the cigarette quickly got over himself and stood up, blocking the doorway. He took out a wallet and flashed her some kind of badge, then said, "You are under arrest, bitch. Everything you do or say or some other shit will be used against you in court. You don't fuck with the Prefects." He started to crack his knuckles.

The oldest guy in the compartment started to say, "Um, Alex, mate, I don't think Prefects have to the authority to—" then all hell broke loose. The person sitting across from Alex was perhaps only one year older than Hermione, and during Alex's long rant he had covertly pulled out a blow-dart. He shot it at Alex, Alex dove out of the way into Hermione, Hermione drop-kicked him into another guy, the oldest guy in the compartment got hit in the knee by the blow-dart and he screamed in pain, Alex then picked up the guy he rammed into and threw him at the guy with the blow-dart, the guy with the blow-dart hissed, "Damn, I missed," then ducked under the guy Alex threw, the guy Alex threw was screaming, Hermione punched the blow-dart guy in the face just for the hell of it, she jumped on the face of the guy who got hit in the knee with the blow-dart, he was crying, she tumbled into the compartment door and fell into the hallway on her ass. She quickly shut the door before anyone could escape.

Hermione could hear Alex screaming, "Damian, you fucking bastard! You were trying to kill me!"

"Now, now, Skyes, let's think about this rationally. I wasn't trying to kill you," said the supposed Damian, the guy with the blow-dart.

"Then what! What could you possibly be trying to do!?"

"Um, guys?" said another voice. Hermione didn't know who. "You know the Head Boy, the guy who actually got hit by the blow-dart? Yeah, he's dying now."

Alex and Damian completely ignored this. Damian responded, "I wouldn't have to kill you if you just gave up your position! Resign as Prefect!"

"So you were trying to kill me!"

"Um, guys! Dying person over here! Hello!"

"Die, Skyes!"

Hermione absentmindedly picked her nose. She was hungry so she walked away, wiping her booger on the door.

"Anything from the trolley, dears?" asked a woman pushing a cart down the aisle. Harry looked up from his comic once again, only to fall in love. Suddenly, there was no train, there was no Glasses, there was only Harry and the candy-lady. He finally got up from his lazy position on the floor, and got on one knee.

"Just… do me." Drool started to drip from his chin.

The trolley-lady moved on.

Harry was so shocked that he didn't even know what to do. Then he scrambled to his feet and threw the compartment door open again, "Wait! Come back! Give it to me! Give it all to me!"

The trolley woman gave Harry a disgusted look, and then moved on. Harry stood frozen, one hand outstretched, completely devastated. He slowly retracted his hand, and came back inside. "She'll come around, you'll see."

Ron shook his head as if he didn't know what to do with him. "Do you have any money to buy candy, anyways?"

"It costs money?!" Harry frantically checked his pockets. Inside one was a melted chocolate bar. But, other than that, no money. Harry slumped into the corner seat, drawing tiny circles in the fabric, "...I thought I was rich in this series…" he mumbled.

"What'd you say?" asked Ron.

"I said Orlando Bloom is ten times hotter than Justin Bieber."

"Right, that's what I thought you said… wait… what the hell?! Justin Bieber is—!"

Harry was finally fed-up, "You know, I'm done with this!" His voice took on a hysterical tone, "Done! They are working me overtime for this shit! And you know what I get," his voice got high-pitched, "nothin'! Not a thing!" Ron scooted away, his mouth snapping shut. "All I want is to do the weather lady, and eat candy all day! Is that so hard!" Harry took out his wand. "I'm gonna stab myself in the eye with this, because I don't know any spells, if I don't get sugar in ten seconds! One!"

"Ah, Harry?"

"Two!"

"Yo, Spartacus!"

"What?!"

"What's… up… with your wand, mate?"

"W-What about it?"

"The, ah, shape of it, mate, the shape."

"I thought all wands look like this."

"No, uh, here. Let me show you mine. See, it's straighter, like this."

"No way, Ron, yours is the messed up wand. Mine's just longer, see, so it has to compensate a tad."

"No, I've seen my brother's wand, and it looks way different. That part there, it's thinner."

"Somehow, I doubt your brother's wand is the best example of all wands everywhere. I mean, look at you."

"What's that supposed to mean?! There's nothing wrong with my wand!"

"RRRiiight. Sure."

"Are you questioning my wizardliness?!"

"Is there anything there to question?"

"I have a perfectly fine wand, thank you very much!"

"Well, now you know how I feel. Apologize."

"I'm sorry for questioning the wizardliness of your wand."

"Apology accepted. There, was that so hard?" Harry and Ron put away their wands.

"Just on a side note," Ron asked, "What do the balls on the side do?"

"Um, they're… magic reserves." Harry quickly changed the subject.

Hermione was on the prowl and she would not stop until she was satisfied.

She threw open the compartment door, "You've got fifty seconds to give me all the food you got!" She hefted her umbrella and pointed the tip threateningly. Inside was a bunch of older girls. The conversation instantly halted, and they gaped at Hermione. Hermione pointed her umbrella at the ceiling and pulled the trigger a bunch of times, just to show she meant business. The girls jumped at the loud noise. "Everyone," Hermione yelled, "hands behind your head!"

This was the fifth compartment Hermione had robbed. The last one didn't have any food besides a live toad Hermione had found. She quickly ate it then moved on. ("TREVOR!")

This compartment proved fruitful. She had gotten a box of those every flavor beans. She ate a booger flavored one. They got the taste almost perfectly right.

Hermione was suddenly hit with the thought… Could it be? Would they have it? She sat down in the aisle right there and dumped the box on the floor. She sorted for all the dark green beans and ate them all, one at a time. Grass. Grass. Mold. Toothpaste. Pickle. Elderberries. Grass. What was with all the grass! There's grass everywhere, stop making it a bean! Cucumber! AH-HAH! PICKLED SEAWEED!

Hermione was content. Then her stomach rumbled.

She blasted open the next compartment only to find Damian slowing choking Alex to death, the Head Boy bleeding out on the floor and another guy rapidly saying healing spells. She shut the door and walked to a different car altogether.

That is when Hermione Granger met Harry Potter (and the other kid in the compartment with the glasses). She blasted open the compartment door, "Give me all your food!"

"I don't have any food! I'M DEAD BROKE!" weeped a kid with silver hair. He was sitting in the corner in a fetal position.

The kid with glasses sighed. "I guess you can have some of mine. My sister made me some sandwiches." He reached into his bag and pulled out a few. "Here you are."

Hermione snatched it out of his hand and sat down across from him, next to the kid with silver hair. She stuffed it in her mouth and—

…

…

"Um, excuse me? Are you okay? You passed out." Glasses swam into her vision.

Hermione snapped awake and quickly spat out th-the-the-the substance. "DARK MATTER!" she screeched, "We must dispose of it immediately!" She broke their window with a large crash then tossed the dark matter outside.

"What have you done!" Glasses said. "My sister made me those!"

Silver-Hair clapped her on the back, "Thank you. You have done the world a service."

"Hey!" Glasses protested.

At this timely interval a Prefect opened the door. Namely, it was the as yet unnamed Prefect that was attempting the healing spells on the Head Boy. The white collar shirt that was part of the Hogwarts uniform was covered in blood and he had a swollen black-eye. "We will be arriving at Hogwarts soon; you might want to get changed into your uniforms." His one eye found Hermione. He opened his mouth to say something but then he closed it. He looked at the broken window. He shook his head and walked away.

Silver-Hair stood up and stretched, "Shit, that was a long train ride. But I guess it was worth the bonding experience, right guys?"

Kagura picked at something between her teeth. Shinpachi looked forlornly at the broken window. And Gin, well.

Gin was busy narrating.

A/N: This story is a side project and will be updated whenever I goddamn feel like it.

THE CHARACTER KEY:

Harry Potter - Sakata Gintoki

Ron Weasley - Shimura Shinpachi

Hermione Granger - Kagura

Alex Skyes (Slytherin Prefect) - Hijikata Toshiro

Damian Perris (Slytherin) - Okita Sogo

Robert Hilliard (Ravenclaw Head Boy) - Kondo

Jake Flinton (Ravenclaw Prefect) - Yamazaki

Ginny Weasley - Shimura Otae

This is the punch line.

"You're about as useful as a one-legged man at an arse kicking contest." - Rowan Atkinson