A/N: Collection of oneshots chronicling life in Berk. No real continuity, though some oneshots will connect to others. Timeframe is around HTTYD2, both before and after the events of the movie. Hearty helpings of hiccstrid.

Rated for language and bow-chicka-wow-wow. (Both referenced and actual content. They're grown-ups now.) Angst and fluff and funny.

Prompts are welcome. You can send them to me here or on tumblr. My tumblr url is thatsnicebutimmarried.

Notes for this chapter: This was originally two separate oneshots that I decided worked best together, and actually the second half of this was written first. Bit of smuttyness ahoy.

xxx

He's not sure how he gets himself into these messes.

Well, he is. It's because the gods have seen fit to punish him for the fifteen years he spent making Hiccup's life miserable by granting the other boy the height and status that should always have been his.

Snotlout's not bitter. Not really. Most of the time. He and Hiccup are hardly friends but they get along well enough. It's just frustrating sometimes, now that Hiccup is actually good at things. Snotlout used to be top Viking, and then Hiccup had to go and redefine what being a Viking meant. Scrawny, stupid Hiccup got the girl and Hiccup got the glory, so now Snotlout gets to stand in Hiccup's shadow. Literally, now that Hiccup has nearly half a foot on him.

So really, who can blame him if he occasionally lets the long-suppressed jealousy get the better of him?

They're in the stables, washing the paint off of their dragons after Hiccup's latest racing victory. Hiccup's readjusting Toothless's tailfin on his freshly-cleaned tail when a thought comes to Snotlout. "Hey how come that tail isn't considered cheating?"

Hiccup looks up, confusion tainting his smile. "What?"

Snotlout crosses his arms. "Yeah, you know the rule about extraneous equipment. How come Toothless's fancy tailfin and your leg don't break that rule?"

Hiccup frowns. "Beeecause they aren't extraneous?" he drones, standing and moving to wash the paint from his dragon's face.

"Isn't there something in the rules about supplementary flying gear? You've supplemented your dragon with a fancy tail so you've got better control over him than we have of our dragons! How is that not cheating?" Hiccup turns away from Toothless and narrows his eyes, his earlier confusion giving way to irritation. "I mean, the rest of us just have to steer our dragons and give them commands and hope they obey. You just flick your fancy metal foot and Toothless does exactly what you want him to! You've got an advantage over the rest of us!"

Snotlout becomes suddenly aware that everyone else has stopped scrubbing their dragons to stare at him. Hiccup's voice is low and carefully controlled when he answers, "So you're saying that my dragon and I are at an advantage because we're crippled?"

"Yeah, Snotlout," Fishlegs chimes in. "Without that fin Toothless can't fly."

"And without his leg, Hiccup can't walk," Astrid adds, giving Snotlout a suspicious look.

Snotlout is undeterred. "They still give him an advantage, don't they? None of us have metal parts to help us fly."

"You do know that the metal parts are only there because the real ones aren't, right?" Hiccup snaps, lifting his metal leg off the floor and giving it a shake.

"You've still got more control over your dragon than the rest of us do!"

Hiccup balls his hands into fists and steps closer, and Snotlout longs for the days when he towered over Hiccup the way Hiccup towers over him now. "Because I have to constantly anticipate his next move and adjust the tailfin accordingly! You just point Hookfang's head in a direction and he flies! Toothless and I have to be constantly aware of what the other one is doing to even stay in the air!"

"Then how are you and your 'crippled' dragon winning all these races if your metal add-ons aren't giving you some kind of advantage?"

"Well, Snotlout, how about I take my 'advantageous' metal leg and shove it up your-"

"GUYS!" Snotlout takes a step backwards as Astrid pushes between them. "Would you two cut it out!" Snotlout and his cousin continue to glare at each other over Astrid's shoulder. "Snotlout!" He looks down at her, still sneering. "You know Hiccup and Toothless's protesthetics don't give them any kind of advantage. They're already at a disadvantage; Toothless's fin and Hiccup's leg are all that allow them to even compete, or even go about their daily lives on the same level we do. So stop being such a sore loser and leave them alone!"

"Exactly!" Hiccup hisses, before Astrid is rounding on him.

"And you!" Hiccup blinks. "Since when do you let this idiot get to you like this, huh?"

"Hey, why am I getting yelled at? He's the one that-"

"Decided he wasn't happy with kissing your ass like everyone else?"

"SHUT UP!" Astrid yells again, pushing both boys away from each other. She shoves Snotlout in the direction of Hookfang and starts to drag Hiccup back to Toothless, her boyfriend still protesting.

"He's just still bitter that I finally outgrew him."

Snotlout stops and tosses over his shoulder, "At least I don't need my girlfriend to fight my battles for me."

"At least I have a girlfriend!"

"At least I still have both my legs!"

It's a callous, low blow, and completely uncalled for, but Snotlout is still surprised when Hiccup lunges at him, and it takes the combined efforts of Astrid and both twins to hold him back.

"Snotfaced son of a-"

"Hiccup, leave it!" Astrid finally pushes him back and begins dragging him towards the exit, but Hiccup still turns to give him a final warning.

"Say that to me ever again and it won't be true for much longer!"

"Hiccup!"

"Like you could lift an axe to do it!" Hiccup's halfway out the door and Astrid has to shove him the rest of the way out before she turns to glare at Snotlout.

"Shut it, Snotface, or I'll get my axe and chop your damn leg off myself!" Toothless follows, looking confused, and Snotlout is left with silence and the incredulous glares of Fishlegs and the twins.

"What?"

Ruffnut rolls her eyes and returns to washing paint off of Barf's horn but Tuffnut takes an extra moment to shake his head. "Dude. Not cool. Bringing up the leg? Seriously?" He shakes his head again and starts scrubbing paint off his own face.

Fishlegs is frowning at him too. "Really Snotlout? Even with the prosthetic tailfin Toothless is at a statistical disadvantage next to an uninjured, fully self-sufficient Night Fury, and Hiccup's leg just means that he has to focus harder to maintain the same level of control as the rest of us. Their disabilities mean they are starting with negative stat points in speed and agility, and any additional positive points the prosthetics give them on top of the negative stats they have to make up would be negligible at best."

Snotlout blinks at him. "You wanna tell me what that means in not-nerd language?"

"It means stop being such a baby," Ruffnut tells him, tossing a wet scrub brush at his face. "And stop beating up on the guy with one leg, come on."

And for some reason that is just the icing on the cake. He's honestly over Astrid by now, and he's started to notice lately that for all her callousness Ruffnut really is quite attractive, and having her tell him off like this just rubs him the wrong way. It's just another reminder that when pitted against Hiccup, he's never going to win.

x

Astrid must have said something to calm him down, because when he comes to the forge later that day Hiccup treats him as if nothing had happened.

"Gobber's out. What can I help you with?" Hiccup asks casually, wiping the sweat from his brow with one hand and dipping a sword into a barrel of water with the other.

Snotlout doesn't meet his eye. "My hammer's loose again. It keeps sliding up and down on the handle."

"Probably needs new bolts. They were looking kinda rusty last time. Give it here." Snotlout hands over his hammer and pulls at his collar.

"It's stifling in here," he complains.

"Open the window," Hiccup calls over his shoulder, busy taking the hammer apart and inspecting the elements. Snotlout pushes the wide window open and breathes in the cool air. "Yeah, the bolts are about to fall apart. I told you you've gotta take better care of this thing."

Snotlout rolls his eyes. "Yeah, yeah. Can you fix it?"

Hiccup nods. "I'll have to make some new bolts. Won't take that long." Snotlout rests against a counter near the window as Hiccup begins to melt metal over the forge, the temperature rising as he works the bellows. After a moment Hiccup ditches his shirt, and it's not long afterwards that Snotlout notices the crowd of girls gathering outside the window. He watches them giggle and whisper to each other, surrepticiously pointing at Hiccup. Snotlout rolls his eyes. Hiccup may not have been as scrawny as he used to be, but he's still hardly buff enough to warrant the female attention he's currently getting.

"Oh scram, you bunch of vultures!" Well at least he's not the only one annoyed by Hiccup's audience. The girls scatter, still giggling, as Astrid and Ruffnut approach the forge and lean against the open window.

"Ruffnut, Milady," Hiccup nods at the girls in turn, "What can I help you with today?"

Ruffnut waves a hand dismissively. "Oh nothing, we're just here for the view."

"What she said," Astrid says, her eyes raking over Hiccup.

Hiccup smirks and goes back to his work. Snotlout rolls his eyes again.

"Convincing him to get that tattoo was such a good idea," Ruffnut says, and Astrid hums her agreement.

Snotlout thinks his eyes may just roll out of his head. Even he has to admit the Night Fury stretched out in black ink across Hiccup's chest is cool, but he doesn't get why girls seem to think it made him so muchsexier. He may have a little more muscle tone than he used to, and he's tall, and he's got a cool tattoo to go with his cool dragon, and okay, the missing leg is kind of the coolest battle scar ever, but he's still Hiccup.Snotlout doesn't understand how he's the only one who still sees that.

"I'm thinking about getting a tattoo too," Snotlout says suddenly, frustrated by the way Ruffnut is unabashedly eyeing Hiccup's abs. (And more importantly, the way her eyes keep straying below his belt. He doesn't get why Astrid puts up with it.) The girls look up at him, eyebrows raised. "Yeah," he continues nonchalantly, "Like a flaming Monstrous Nightmare across like, my whole back. Maybe even have the wings extend down the back of my arms, so like, when I'm shirtless, it'd look like I ammy dragon, y'know?" He gives Ruff a dashing smile but she just regards him with a deadpan frown.

"Nah," she says after a moment of thought, "Way too flashy." Astrid nods.

Snotlout looks to Hiccup, who is putting the finished bolts on his hammer, hoping against hope for some backup. Hiccup merely shrugs. "Sounds painful."

Snotlout tries to play it off. "Yeah, well, it's just a thought, you know, I haven't really decided for sure what to get. Maybe I'll get something more subtle, you know, like the name of my lady over my heart?" He sidles up to Ruffnut and elbows her arm. She gags.

"Ugh. That's so sappy and gross." Snotlout gapes and points at Hiccup.

"Hiccup's got Astrid's name on his chest and you said that was sweet!"

Ruff rolls her eyes. "Yeah, but they're actually together. And you and me? Never gonna happen." She suddenly laughs. "Actually, you totally should get my name tattooed on your chest. Like, in big letters. Because I wanna see the disappointed look on your future wife's face when she has to see my name on your chest all the time."

Astrid laughs. "How awkward would that sex be? Having to stare up at some other girl's name on his chest every time?"

Snotlout's irritation grows as the laughter continues. "Oh, no, like, his future wife won't have to see it. She's totally gonna insist he take her from behind every time so she doesn't have to look at him." They dissolve into giggles and Snotlout balls his hands into fists.

"Your hammer's done." He looks up to see Hiccup holding out his hammer. He takes the weapon and hefts it from hand to hand experimentally.

"Thanks," he says flatly. "How much do I owe you?"

"Sixty."

"Sixty?!" Snotlout's jaw drops. "Last time I got new bolts it was only fifty!"

Hiccup shrugs and smirks at him. "Well, seeing as I'm supposedly at such an advantage over everyone else I figured I should be charging a bit more for my services."

Snotlout growls, then deflates. Bringing up Hiccup's leg wasn't exactly fair and deep down he knows it. He sighs. "Sorry. I shouldn't have said that."

Hiccup gives him a genuine smile. "I know. I'm used to you being an idiot by now." His smile drops. "But it's still sixty. We're at an iron shortage so Gobber's had to raise prices until the traders come with a new shipment next week. Nothing I can do about it."

Snotlout grumbles under his breath about being cheated but still hands over the coins. He leaves with a barely-concealed scowl on his face as he watches the girls continue to give Hiccup's skinny physique appreciative stares.

x

In hindsight, he thinks that the whole situation could have been avoided if he hadn't had those last two mugs of mead.

"I'm just saying, babe," Snotlout says with a roguish grin as Hiccup glares and Astrid rolls her eyes, "If you ever want a real Viking, I'm still more than willing to show you what you're missing."

Astrid sighs, exasperated. "And why would I want to do that?" she asks, drawing her legs up onto the bench and leaning back against Hiccup's chest. She looks up at him and smiles as she reaches to tug gently on one of the tiny braids at the nape of his neck. "I've just got him trained how I want him." Hiccup catches her hand and brings it to his lips, kissing her knuckles lightly. Snotlout scowls at the blatant displays of affection.

"Ugh, that's my point, Astrid. Why would you want Hiccup? I mean yeah, so what he trained a dragon; everyone's doing that nowadays! He was just the first one dumb enough to try, and only because he sucked so hard at everything else to do with being a Viking!"

"What, would you rather I didn't end the war with the dragons?" Hiccup asks, giving him the same dry stare he always seems to wear when they talk, as if he's decided the whole conversation is beneath him. "Because if I hadn't, one of us-well, let's face it, Astrid actually-would have slaughtered Hookfang in the arena, and then where would you be?"

Snotlout growls and takes another swig of his mead. "I'm not saying I'm mad you trained the damn dragons, but it's not like you're the only dragon rider anymore so I don't get why you're still so damn special!" He looks around at the group; Tuffnut and Ruffnut have scooted farther away from him and Fishlegs has found something intensely interesting in his mug of tea. Astrid is watching him carefully, her eyes narrowed. Hiccup just looks bored, but then he's got twenty years of Snotlout's abuse under his belt and is more than used to it. "I mean, he's got a fancy dragon, so what, I've got a Monstrous Nightmare, and they ain't nothing to shake a stick at. He's not strong, he can barely fight unless he's got Toothless around or that dumb flame sword—"

"Is there a point to all of this?" Ruffnut asks, rolling her eyes while she examines her nails. "Or are you just gonna rattle on all night and kill everyone's fun?"

"Yeah," Snotlout says, "My point is, I could kick Hiccup's ass from here to Helheim's Gate and back. You girls act like Hiccup's such a catch; what's he got that I don't have?"

"A Night Fury?"

"A claim to the chiefdom?"

"A girlfriend?"

"OH!" Their friends laugh and cheer while Hiccup smirks in his direction, looking irritatingly smug.

"Now, now, he's got a point," Astrid says, and Snotlout blinks at her in surprise.

"What?"

"Yeah," Astrid says, nodding sagely, "Snotlout has lots of things that Hiccup doesn't."

Snotlout is taken aback, both at Astrid's sudden kindness and the confusion on Hiccup's face. "Thank you, Astrid."

She grins something wicked. "Like his virginity."

"OOOOH!" Snotlout's blood boils as the group breaks into riotous laughter while Hiccup turns red and buries his face in Astrid's hair, smiling. Snotlout doesn't know why he bothers being embarrassed; it wasn't as if they hadn't all known for months what he and Astrid got up to when they were alone. Snotlout had always figured Hiccup would die a lonely virgin, or else Stoick would have to arrange a marriage with some neighboring tribe and have some poor chick shipped over just to keep the Haddock line going. One way or another, he'd always been sure that he'd score with a girl before Hiccup would, and yet that scrawny excuse for a Viking had not only bedded a girl before he had, but he'd bedded Astrid Hofferson, the most beautiful and desirable girl in Berk. Not that that was particularly surprising given how long they had been together, but Snotlout is still a bit surprised that Astrid hadn't gotten bored of Hiccup after the first few months and moved on to a real man. Like himself. But no. The years went by and the relationship between them had only grown, until the day a few months back when Ruffnut had barreled into the academy one morning and practically screamed that she'd caught them in the back of the forge with Astrid's hands down Hiccup's trousers.

"So?" Snotlout growls once they've all stopped laughing. "Hiccup's gonna be chief someday, and whoever marries him will be the second most powerful person on Berk. I'm supposed to be impressed by his virility just because Astrid wised up to the situation and decided to whore her way to the top of the social ladder?"

There's a brief moment where shocked silence falls over the group, and he glimpses Hiccup's glare before Astrid has vaulted over the table and Snotlout finds himself on the floor with a knife pressed to his throat. "Let me make a few things abundantly clear," Astrid hisses, her knee digging into his stomach and the wrath of the gods in her eyes. "First of all, I'm sleeping with Hiccup because I happen to be in love with him and because he's a damn good lay, and I'd still be with him even if he wasn't going to be chief." Snotlout gulps and Astrid presses the blunt side of her knife a little bit harder into his neck. "Second, everyone knows that after Hiccup I'm the best rider on Berk and the best fighter this tribe has. I don't have to use my sexuality to get respect or power around here. And finally," the blade presses so close it draws a tiny sliver of blood and Snotlout nearly stops breathing, "Before I'm Hiccup's girlfriend, or the future wife of the future chief of Berk, I'm my own damn person, and if you everdare judge me or define me based on whose bed I spend my nights in again, I'll chop off your comically undersized prick and feed it to Hookfang. Do I make myself clear?" She lifts the pressure of the knife just enough for Snotlout to squeak out a yes. She gets up and tosses the knife back onto the table. "Good." Snotlout glances around at the shocked expressions of the group as Astrid stalks around the other side of the table and grabs Hiccup's limp arm. "Now if you'll excuse me," she says, pulling Hiccup up from the table, who has a panicked look in his eyes as he realizes that Astrid is going to need to work off her anger in some way with someone, and that someone is likely going to be him, "I have some whoring my way up the social ladder to do." Astrid doesn't spare them all another glance as she drags her unfortunate lover out of the room.

"Betcha ten gold coins that Hiccup's walking crooked tomorrow."

Ruffnut scoffs. "I bet twenty coins that he won't be able to walk at all."

"You're on, sis." The twins bump fists. "Toothless'll come to his rescue before Astrid can get that rough with him."

"You should probably clarify the terms of the bet a little," Fishlegs pipes up, and the twins frown at him.

"Meaning?" Tuffnut asks.

Fishlegs shrugs. "Well without his metal leg Hiccup can't walk at all, so Ruffnut could steal his leg overnight and then win the bet tomorrow, so you should probably clarify that it only counts if he can't walk tomorrow because of Astrid."

Snotlout gapes at them all from the floor. "Uh, EXCUSE ME?" They all look down at him. "Does no one care that Astrid almost killed me?!"

Ruffnut shrugs. "Uh, no. Not really."

Tuffnut rolls his eyes. "Dude, you called Astrid a whore, what did you think was gonna happen?"

Snotlout decides on one more mug of mead.

x

The fourth time she climbs on his lap, he pushes her off.

"Astrid, Astrid, babe, I love you, but you gotta let me rest." Astrid huffs a sigh and plops down beside him, her blood still boiling. She nuzzles close to his shoulder and drops a kiss to the sweat-slick skin there. Hiccup's chest is still heaving from the exertion of the previous round; his eyes are closed and he has an arm thrown over his forehead.

"You don't wanna go again?" she asks in the sweetest voice she can. This elicits half a laugh from Hiccup.

"It's not a matter of wanting to, Astrid. I just don't think it's physically possible." Astrid idly traces the black wings and tribal symbols inked on his chest as he catches his breath. She smiles as her finger grazes the black letters spelling out her name, right over his heart. Finally Hiccup rolls over and wraps his arms around her, pulling her closer and pressing a kiss to her forehead. "All this because Snotface is being an idiot again? What happened to everything you told me earlier about just ignoring him?" he teases her softly, and she gently punches his chest.

"I'm the toughest person on this island and I've spent half my life trying to make sure everyone knows it."

"Everyone does know it," Hiccup says, combing her damp bangs back from her face.

Astrid rolls her eyes. "Everyone except Snotlout."

Hiccup shakes his head and kisses her briefly. "No, Snotlout does know it. He's just an idiot, and today he was exceptionally idiotic, and tonight he was exceptionally idiotic and exceptionally drunk. He's been mad at me all day for some reason and was taking it out on you. Everyone knows how strong you are. Everyone knows you're one of the finest riders on Berk." His hand lights on her hip and pulls her flush against him as his lips migrate to her ear and he whispers, "No matter what you're riding." Her heart beats a little faster as he pushes her onto her back and begins kissing down her neck.

"I thought you said you couldn't go again," she sighs, smiling as his weight settles against her. "You said it was physically impossible," she breathes as his knee nudges her legs apart.

"Well, you know me," he growls against the underside of her jaw, and her breath hitches as he presses into her. "I'm known for doing the impossible."

x

Hiccup's still standing the next morning, but he's leaning on a crutch, claiming his bad leg is bothering him, and it's Astrid they see on Toothless's back for every flight that day.

In the end, Ruffnut and Tuffnut settle on calling it a draw, and Snotlout scowls and readjusts the block of ice against his temple.

XXX

A/N: I'm in love with the idea of Hiccup having a tattoo. Yum.

The main reason I decided to combine the two stories I originally had (Drunklout vs. pissed off Astrid and Snotlout calling Hiccup's leg cheating) was because I thought having both stories was a little too much Jerklout, whereas putting them together made for one cohesive story about Snotlout's residual issues with Hiccup.