Its impossible to know someone so completely, on the inside and out. Sometimes it would seem the Winchester brothers were so connected mentally that they had no secrets, there was a time when things were like that, but not anymore. Things have changed. I've changed.

I'm not the big brother Sam can look up to anymore, Sammy stopped looking up to me the moment he went to college, when he escaped the life we had been born into, even if only just for a while.

It was almost painful to look upon the face of his little brother and realise how much it has changed since childhood. Sam used to hold a pure happiness when he was around his big brother, his role model, but now when I looked into those eyes all i saw was the reflection of the disappointment i felt towards myself, no doubt my brother and father would feel the same. I'm not the man I used to be or the righteous man I was claimed to be, all along I was what I am now.

A monster.

I have destroyed so many lives, so many futures have been shattered, a dark shadow leering over the people I have met because of me.

I've been through so much physical, emotional and mental pain that its a wonder I'm still breathing. I should have died, so many times fate has caught up to me but something always pulls me back. I cant be sure if I'm grateful or regretful of everything I've done. I know Sammy still cares, even if he hides it well.

I care for Sammy too. I should, shouldn't I? After all, I practically raised the child that was thrust into my arms the night of my mothers murder. It's funny how so much has happened to me and yet I still feel the same emptiness I started with, only this time it feels like the only thing I can do is to cling onto. And the strange thing is? It's the best I've ever felt so far.

When I said I was a monster, I meant it quite literally. When I said man, what I should have said was demon.

Ever since that night in November I should have realised I was destined for this. The moment I stood in Hell, instrument in hand, I felt something click. Something inside my mind that snapped into place. Everything had made sense there and then, I was just too ignorant to realise it.

All my life I've been a soldier desperately trying to be someone I'm not. I followed my fathers footsteps to the last detail. I was a mindless fool who believed in nothing more but his family. But from this moment, I'm making my own path.

Carefree and filled with destruction. I just cant seem to summon a reason to care anymore. Not about Metatron or Crowley. Not even Sammy or my 'beloved' guardian angel.

Dean Winchester is finished and this is my beginning.