Introduction

After finishing my first Big Bang Theory/Walking Dead crossover I wondered what would happen if Penny and her nerds met True Blood's vampires.

This crossover is set in season one of True Blood. From said season I used two major things: the vampire tribunal and Bill dealing with his offspring. Without any consideration for what happened when I'll use the death of Sookie's cat. From True Blood's season five I will use some lines. As far as The Big Bang Theory is concerned it is set pre-Amy/pre-Bernadette/pre-Leonard+Penny.

A bloody nuisance

Chapter 1

A junk-yard was not a typical venue to spend an evening but the group of vampires on the scene didn't care for the surroundings: there was a tribunal going on and the Magister himself held court. The man may have heard of community service but the concept must be a pathetic joke to him. Over the centuries he had dealt with one type of punishment only: the corporal one. As a result one vampire who had disobeyed a rule had his fangs retracted and another one had received twenty strokes on his bare back with a silver cat-o'-nine-tails.

When the still screaming last convict was dragged away the Magister made a subtle yet demanding gesture with his fingers. A tall blond vampire stepped forward.

"Sheriff Northman. Your subject Bill Compton has failed to do a proper job."

Another gesture and two iron hatches covering holes in the ground were opened. Two prisoners were dragged out. One was a dark haired vampire, the other was a tall lean man. They were made to stand in front of the Magister.

"Bill Compton, your database was supposed to be impenetrable. This human managed to break into it."

"I must object to the way you are referring to me sir. I have a name. You may call me doctor Cooper."

"Doctor Cooper," the vampire mockingly said. "Why did you access the database?"

In the background a car neared. Its driver was blowing the horn.

"I did it because I could. And because Mr Compton refused to sell me a disc containing the vampire database. You can't say that I didn't try to follow the procedures. Now, this seems to be a court of sorts and not one that is recognised by the federal government I'm sure. I will therefore disregard the verdict if there happens to be one."

"Northman. Why did you bring this idiot along?"

The sheriff refrained from answering for the car had come to a stop and even the Magister looked at it. An appetizing woman got out followed by three men.

"Sheldon!" the woman cried out. Several vampires showed their fangs. Though her companions looked uncomfortable the woman acted coolly.

"There you are Sheldon! We missed you. Why don't you come back to our hotel."

"I'm glad you are here Penny. I guess you tracked me via my phone? I shall like to leave. I suspect that that man over there referred to me as this idiot and I'm -"

"Not an idiot your mother had you tested. Yes we know. Now common, let's go," one of Sheldon's friends hurriedly said, casting strained smiles here and there. Unlike Penny he and the other men hadn't walked all the way to doctor Cooper.

"Yes Howard," Sheldon eagerly replied. Addressing the Magister he said: "Mr Compton had done his best to protect his database. Someone with an IQ of say below 142 wouldn't have broken it."

Not replying to the comments given by the public the five humans walked away. One of them, a short man wearing glasses, wiped his brow. The Magister allowed them to almost reach their car.

"Let go of us!" Penny yelled at the vampires who dragged her and her friends toward the Magister.

"These people are not involved in this Magister," Bill Compton politely said.

"Thank you Mr Compton," Sheldon said and looking at the Magister he added: "I'd like to state that my friends strongly objected to my plan."

"How sensible of them," the Magister said with an amused smile. "If the short man could be as kind to stop mumbling shit shit shit shit, I would be obliged."

The audience insulted the short man.

"It's going to be fine Leonard," Penny told him.

"I wouldn't be so sure of that," the Magister said.

"We fall outside your jurisdiction sir," Sheldon pointed out.

His remark made the audience howl with pleasure. Leonard and Raj shivered.

"Magister please. The offence is mine. As you said I failed to protect my database. Any punishment should fall on me."

"Why do you defend them? They are merely humans."

"Whom we live with in peaceful coexistence Magister."

"You amuse me Compton," the Magister said through the audience's soft laughter. "Cooper, what did you learn from the database?"

"Nothing yet. I haven't accessed it so far. The only place to do so would be my spot on the couch in Pasadena and for the past days I was obliged to socialize with my Texan family."

"Which means there is no harm done," Penny said. "Mr Compton's database is not viewed and -"

She shut up for the Magister pressed his index-finger against his lips and combined with his smile it made for a threatening gesture. Even the buzzing coming from the audience died away.

"For failing to protect precious vampire information I planned to lock away Mr Compton in a coffin for half a month, chained in silver."

The Magister paused to allow the vampires to comment. They stamped the floor and laughed gleefully, fangs showing. Cries of six months and a year were heard. Penny looked behind her to see if there was anyone who wasn't enthusiastic. She spotted two tall blond vampires, a man and a woman, who didn't even smile at the prospect of Compton's punishment.

"That is mean. Vampires can't stand silver," Sheldon pointed out. He stopped talking when Penny touched his hand.

The Magister smirked. "Bill Compton, hear my verdict."

Bill stepped closer and so did sheriff Northman.

"For failing your task and being weak-hearted where these humans are concerned: one hour clad in silver in a coffin and the humans will be sold to the highest bidder -"

At hearing the Magister's last words the audience roared with delight.

"OR," the Magister said. It was as if he turned off a stereo.

"Or the cat will caress you sixty times and you turn these humans into vampires. The tough way."

The public went crazy. Bill looked shocked. Sheriff Northman seemed impressed that an alternative punishment had been offered. His companion's face betrayed amusement.

"I read," Sheldon whispered, "that turnings have a very poor success rate."

Obviously the Magister had heard Sheldon for he winked at them.

Leonard and Raj were softly whimpering. Howard swallowed hard. Penny searched the surroundings for a weapon but failed to find one. She caught Bill's eye. The vampire, who had looked human moments ago, had a hard expression on his face.

"I'll chose the second punishment Magister."

OoOoOoO

"Twelve!"

The audience's merry cry, coming from dozens of throats, couldn't wipe out the sound that came from Bill Compton's lips. Raj was crying against Howard's shoulder. Sheldon's expression showed that he desperately tried to get his mind to another place but from the pressure he applied to Penny's hand it was clear that he failed to arrive. Howard had closed his eyes and Leonard had fainted. Penny forced herself to watch. She flinched every time the cat hit Bill Compton, releasing yet another piece of skin from his back. She watched the Magister and his court and the hungry beast that was the audience. She watched the two tall blondes. Their faces were completely blank.

The executioner didn't hit Bill in an even rhythm. She played both him and the audience by sometimes waiting for over a minute before continuing. It was nerve-racking.

"Thirteen!"

Penny slowly reached into her bag for her phone.

OoOoOoO

"Fifteen!"

Penny's phone rested underneath the spiked boot of one of the vampires who were guarding them.

OoOoOoO

"Thirty-one!"

Bill softly whimpered when the cat hit his bare and as of yet undamaged feet.

"Let it be over soon, please," Howard softly said. Penny opened her mouth to tell him that it wouldn't be over when it was over, at least not instantly, but she changed her mind.

OoOoOoO

"Sixty!"

The executioner proudly held up the cat and was given a thunderous applause. Bill was a red heap on the ground. The Magister made a gesture and the five humans were escorted toward Bill. Penny was the only one who tried to fight them.

"You can do with fresh blood Compton," the Magister observed. "Part two of the punishment. The tough way. Though after the cat I doubt that even a gentleman like yourself would care to make it likeable for them."

One of the guards pushed Sheldon to the ground. Sheldon tried to get away. Bill reached out and grabbed his wrist.

"No!" the Magister said. "Take the woman first."

One guard freed Sheldon from Bill's grasp, which took no effort. Penny tried to kick the guard who came for her but he took her by her throat and presented her to Bill. His eyes showed the pain he was in and his fangs told her that she didn't stand a chance. Through the drumming of her heartbeat in her ears she heard her friends cry out for her.

"You'd better not kill me you bas-" she started and then his teeth broke through her skin. She bit her cheeks. Bill sucked. Penny moaned in pain. The audience went wild with enthusiasm and closed in. Bill sucked. Against her intention Penny screamed.