Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto

Reason: for Gaanaru fanday, July 28th. Also, for the lulz.

Beta: Michelle T.

Summary: Kushina wants a baby girl because reason, and what Kushina wants Kushina gets. For a scrawny, orphan brat with dreams too big, pink or blue really don't matter, especially when little Naruto likes orange better anyway. Gaara of the Sand may be a fearsome shinobi at fifteen, but nobody ever said he was a pro at weathering life, puberty, and the politics of physical union between states.

The more things change, the more they stay the same.

Gaanaru. Naruto with Kushina's chakra chain and barrier kekkei genkai. This used to be a mega one-shot (one of those 10-20k words ones) but then my overactive imagination betrayed me and now it's a multi-chapter… a short multi-chapter, maybe two-shot or three-shot… or four-shot... that I hope to complete in 2-3 weeks.

Chapter 1: Instead of the sword, a skirt is born.

1.

It started from some innocuous and absolutely insignificant thing, as most problems with Kushina tended to. Minato couldn't even remember how it started except that they had been talking at dinner, him and his one and a half month newly confirmed pregnant wife.

She made marinated fried chicken with the Ohitashi. He brought home a couple bottles of rich Asahi lager for the occasion. Last time Kushina got to go a little tipsy before it's a straight 8 months of full on sober time for her. The TV had Baby Inja and the seven Ninjas on. It was one of those so bad it was good shows so they had full guarantee this would be a night for two with plenty to enjoy.

There was a book involved. Jiraiya's Tales of the Gutsy ninja. Now that he thought about it, he could remember enthusiastically gushing on about that one weirdly named ninja and wanting to use that name for his future child.

"My boy will be a hero!" Yeah, now that he thought about it he could remember saying something along that vein, and saying it very very enthusiastically… at the top of his voice, cherry-faced and high on liquid fermented rice.

"Or girl!" And yeah Kushina definitely replied something like that… with her face slightly pink and well on her third mug. "It's not just boys who get to be heroes you know. And not all girls are princesses waiting to be saved. Yo mama here certainly heroically heroed the hell out of your princessy behind that other night a month and a half ago." She waggled her eyebrows suggestively for added effect.

Then there was an argument which he couldn't remember much about except that who ever gave a baby girl a name like Naruto? It sounded weird even on a boy. On a girl it would just be bad parent's joke. And he had a princessy behind? And didn't Kushina remember that time when they were both teens and she nearly got dragged off to Cloud if he hadn't intervened and acted the big damn hero he was? Oh no Madam Kage-mama, if one of them were a princess, it wouldn't be Minato.

He probably should have remembered the expecting for future ninja fathers book's advice on expecting ninja mother's hormone levels and propensity for violence (even more than when it was that time of the month) because afterwards things went a little crazy and there might have been some broken dishes and the end of the night saw him sleeping on the couch whilst Kushina dozed off in the bedroom on the broken bed with empty Asahi lager bottles around her like a halo.

Things went back to… almost normal… in the next morning. Kushina didn't do grudges. What she did though was make an announcement when they sat down for breakfast.

"I want a baby girl."

To which Minato replied.

"Well that's not something I can do anything about unless you want another go at my princessy behind in 9 months time." He wanted her to have plenty of goes at him to be honest but he was smart enough to know not to say anything else when she was in this mood.

"No you can't. I know that." She said, smiling prettily. "Still, it doesn't change the fact that I want a baby girl for my first child. Which is to say, I will do something about that."

At that point, Minato simply opened the morning newspaper and resigned himself to 8 months of watching his Uzumaki woman on a warpath.

As for Kushina, she set out to do exactly what she promised to. Rule number one to Uzumakis which her only child later on unknowingly followed to the letter.

Uzumaki kept their promises.

2.

"It's a girl." Announced Biwako as she held the newborn up.

Kushina cried out in intermingled pain and joy. Minato himself could only sigh in relief. Relief which turned out to be short-lived when not five minutes later, a masked man turned up with a dead Biwako at his feet and a crying Naruto at kunai point.

Something changed but everything else stayed the same.

3.

Iruka paused in the middle of his class, eyes fixed on the U row of his attendance call. There it was, the name.

He looked back up at his charges. All very young children, the lot of them. Five years old, six. Some came from established ninja clans and families. Some from common civilians who wished to pursue a different path in life. The girl sat near the front row, face all bright and expecting. She had the eager look of someone about to embark on the greatest adventure of her life.

… not at all like a demon, or so the rumours said...

He licked his dry lips, bit out. "Uzumaki, Naruto"

"I'm here-ttebayo!" The girl crowed, shooting up on her seat, so enthusiastic that she knocked over the notebooks and pencil case on her table. The class of children squealed in laughter at the clumsy child, to which she replied by joining in, blushing sheepishly all the way.

Their laughters were infectious, but even those couldn't quite reach Iruka's eyes.

Bitter memories rose up from the pit of his mind. He looked into the face of that smiling child and resolved to hate her.

4.

Three weeks later Iruka found the child after class in a deserted playground. She sat on the swing, her head downcast, soaking wet in the rain of October at 7PM on a Tuesday night. He sighed to himself. He had thought something like this would happen. Eventually, even those innocent children who dared hold out a hand to the one pariah of the village would be snatched back by their parents.

He walked by her, stopped.

Despite being her primary sensei for the last 3 weeks, Iruka had never seen the child up close, hadn't wanted to get too close to her. At this distance, she looked scrawny, pitiful even with her choppy, spiky hairdo, scratched face and dirty, faded T-shirt and shorts.

He meant to keep walking. He really did. But then the Uzumaki kid sneezed real loud. Iruka sighed to himself, held out his umbrella on top her head.

"What are you doing here, Uzumaki?"

Even more than the sudden gesture of kindness, the question startled the girl. The sheer shock and that undeniable edge of wariness that came from that question made the teacher in Iruka ache a little. It was the kind that said nobody ever really asked her something like that for any good reason. No child, regardless of what she was, should have that kind of expression on when confronted with such simple inquiry.

I should hate this girl, he thought to himself as he said the next sentence. "You will catch a cold if you stay here any longer." He almost sounded tired. Every time he looked at Uzumaki he was reminded of the last time he saw his parents alive, their backs towards him, running towards the towering demon fox in the distance. But it wasn't easy to hate… not for such a long time. Hating was exhausting and somewhere along the line, Iruka tired of having to excuse himself.

"This is no time for a child to loiter around on schoolground. Where are your guardians?"

The girl licked her lips nervously. "I… I don't get sick easily."

"That's not an excuse to neglect yourself…" The teacher in Iruka barked, scowling down at her.

"... and… and the matron is busy. I don't want to be a bother."

A minute of awkward silence went by before being broken by a loud, grating growl coming from the girl's stomach. Ah, it figured…

Iruka sighed again.

"You… haven't had dinner yet?"

"... no…" Her stomach made another grouchy warble, as if to illustrate the point.

Somebody was going to report him for this later on. He just knew it. Young man in the prime of his life like him… and a little girl at this time of the night. It was questionable at best and licentious at worst, seen from the eyes of others. But he couldn't exactly ignore the girl to her own… hardly sufficient… devices.

"I have some ramen back at home. Want some?"

If his first question shocked her, this one put her jaw to the ground.

"You can change into something not wet there too. I do have a couple of my old clothes that will make do with a belt. And don't worry about your matron. I will have a word with her. That is… if you want to come with me." He tentatively offered his hand.

Through the rain, the child shyly grinned at him. Around such circumstances they became friends for life.

5.

Naruto was ten and a half years old when Iruka finally mustered up the courage to go talk to Mitarashi Anko into helping him. His request was answered first by a barrage of snakes to the face because Anko had been napping before he found her. Later on and only when Iruka had the smarts to approach her with three sets of dango on a plate did she stop and give him her time of the day.

"You mean that demon brat? The one that goes around screaming he'd be the next Hokage and everybody better believe it?" She said around the dango in her mouth, cocking an eyebrow at him after Iruka laid his case.

"Naruto is a she and she is not a demon brat!"

"Cute. Don't get your knickers in a twist loverboy. I couldn't care less if that one ate humans for breakfast in her past life. Girl didn't kill that many people any way. Would be damn hypocritical of me to hold a grudge on someone doing my job for free, just on the wrong target. And…" She made a loud slurping sound. "... ya can't fault me for confusing her with a brat. At that age they don't got no tits to separate themselves from the next bunch with the dangly bits in the middle. And she looks nothing like her brood mates, those pint sized twits with too much frills and too much pink to survive as any respectable kunoichi."

Anko burped, having made her point.

Iruka leaned back in his seat, once again questioning himself if he should be here trying to talk to Mitarashi Anko in the first place. But… Naruto was already well past ten. There were things that Iruka, as a male teacher, could not impart onto Naruto. There was only so much the board of academy governors would take before they were forced to consider all those accusations against Iruka and his slightly too close relationship with his very young female charge. He had hoped having an idol of her own gender to look up to would do Naruto some good. Was sure of it in fact. Incidentally, out of all the successful Konohan kunoichi Iruka knew, Anko seemed the least likely to have a problem with the girl's secret status as the jinchuriki of the Nine Tail Demon Fox.

He swallowed and attempted again.

"Just come see her once. That's all I ask."

"If ya have more of them dangos where you got them, I'm game." Said Anko, grinning lazily as she gobbled up the last dumpling.

6.

Naruto nursed a broken hand as she scowled darkly at the strange woman towering above her.

"Who are you?" She bit out, "And what are you doing here?" With here she meant Iruka's apartment, the one place aside from Ichiraku in this entire village where Naruto felt some moderate sense of safety, her sanctuary. The very same sanctuary that this woman was rudely intruding in. Naruto leveled a look at her favorite academy teacher.

"Who is she, Iruka?"

"Haha, she sounds jealous, Umino. Didn't know ya were that naughty type… Like them young, don't ya?"

"I'm not! Naruto this is Mitarashi Anko…"

"What's up ya brat? Lost a fight there?"

"I did not! You should have seen them where I left them."

"Yeah? Well ain't somebody a tough little girl? Tell ya what, in my line of work, tough girls like you tend to leave their blood every where… until they don't. Get what I'm saying?"

"Gerroff my face, you stupid bitch! I don't have to listen to you!"

"Naruto!"

"Get lost, Umino! This is woman to woman. You with your dangly bits in between your legs get the hell out before I rip 'em off for you!"

Once the dust settled, Iruka got to bandaging up a recalcitrant Naruto and surprisingly Anko as well.

"You got some good jaws there, kiddo." Said Anko good-naturedly as he wrapped the gauze around the bite mark on her shin. "... I might just believe that you actually did lay waste to those other brats. Maybe..."

"I did!" Snapped the little blond. "Bit them real good. And broke my hand on their faces. Osahi ran for his mama. He screamed like a girl too."

Anko laughed uproariously while Iruka got the feeling that he had just stumbled upon the rite of bonding of some strange, ferocious jungle animals. "Well yeah, your jaws may be good, but your form is shit. That would be why your hand broke like cookies on something as simple as punching a snot-nosed brat's face in. I could slam dunk your face into the dirt when I was half your age. Is that what you academy teachers been teaching the brats these days? No wonder they keep failing and winding up in body bags."

"Leave Iruka-sensei out of this! It's not his fault the other senseis are out for me!"

"Ah hah…" Anko had a dawning look on her face. A jaded 'I thought so' expression that spoke more about her than her dirty motor mouth ever did.

"And I heal fast!" Naruto brandished her now unbroken hand. "So I don't need perfect form to wipe the floor with them boys!"

"Well that be a dumb thing if I ever hear one. If you had good form, you could have danced circles around them. Poke them in the right place and you wouldn't have to go break your hand for no reason."

"I don't do those girly tricks! I ain't no princess! I'm strong! Believe it! I can take 'em like a boy!"

This was the point where Anko stopped, reared back, leveled a look at Iruka who gulped and politely eyed the exit. Anko as a role model for Naruto? What had he been thinking?!

"Umino, I sure hope that wasn't you who put that stupid idea into her head." To which Iruka's reply were frantic shakes of his head.

"Back at you brat, what have you got against proper techniques and knowing what works for you and what don't?"

The girl looked nervous now that her one ally had thrown up the proverbial white flag.

"There… there has never been a female Hokage before. There has never been a female Kage period."

"And that is relevant because?"

The little blond pursed her lips, lost and frustrated.

"So they say you would never make Hokage because you are weak and a girl and you believed them? So you what? Pretend to be a boy? Put on the suit? Acting the tough, brawny guy part so that they think yer strong?"

"I don't!"

"Don't look like it to me. You may be puffing up your feather but you're doing it the way they want you to. You are playing their game, going by their rules. It's a shit way to live girl, if you want to go all your life by the way others judge you."

"Shut up! I don't need to hear that from you! What are you doing here any way?" Naruto snapped again. But her words lacked any real spite behind them.

"Why am I here?" Anko made a gesture like an air hook at Iruka's head with her wrapped up hand. "I'm here cause your overgrown mama hen thought it would be good for me to take a look at you. I hear you been going home all bloody these days. You got beef with someone you can't settle, girl?"

"It's nothing." And she was back mumbling under breath. "Nothing that concerns you. I will be Hokage one day. That's my dream, believe it! That's all you need to know."

"That's all I need to know eh? I don't buy that. What do you think being Hokage means anyway, you little twit?"

"That's easy. Being Hokage means being strong… and respected by everyone!" She bellowed with all the enthusiasm and earnest belief of a ten years old.

In response, Anko roared with laughter.

"I've seen old man Hokage break a block of stone with his bo staff!" Naruto announced, blushing furiously.

"Yeah? Good for him. Guess that works for old man Hokage. It doesn't work for you though. It will never work for you."

"Why doesn't it?" Said Naruto, face all scrunched and looking mighty peeved at being dismissed out of hand.

"Cause you are a girl and he ain't."

Before the blonde could shot off something in return, Anko pressed on. "Don't get me wrong. You being a girl doesn't mean you are weak. It just means you are strong in a different way that he is… or… you will be, if you work your ass off for it."

"That doesn't make any sense!"

"What doesn't, ya little chit? The fact that strength doesn't come in one uniform package?"

Anko had a mind to stop there. The girl was stubborn that she could give. Stubborn like her ma the late Uzumaki lady. There was no guarantee if she would even listen to Anko if she hadn't been listening to her favorite Iruka sensei, and this probably wasn't her place… or her problem to think about. But something made Anko pressed on. The look on that girl's face that she knew so very well. That thirst, that constant hunger to be something more, to be acknowledged.

Quicker than the blond could react, Anko clutched her right arm, brought it to eye level.

"Look at this, hella skinny no?"

The brat snatched back her hand, huffing at Anko. "Doesn't matter how much you train or buff yourself up, even if you takes hormone pills which fuck up your internal organs, it doesn't change that your muscle density is never going to be as high, your reach will never be as long as the boys. You can pack a hell of a punch, but on a purely physical level, a male version of yourself is guaranteed to do better. And this…"

She made a gesture. "Your body will grow in time. It will curve out. It will soften. Your point of balance will go down. At some time in the future your body will decide for you, without your say so, that high intensity combat ain't your style. You don't do brawler even if when you were a kid you did a lot of rough housing with your schoolmates. You are just not built that way."

And she was right too because already Anko could see the smallest dip in the girl's waist and the round, delicate turn of her shoulders. Hidden under all that rough, boyish exterior was a hint of the future. If Naruto Uzumaki was anything like her mama, she would be a devastating high speed, high risk, high pay-off type. A perfect assassin, but not so perfect in drawn-out, open field one-on-one brute force combat.

"Shut up!" The little brat bit out. "I don't need to hear that from you."

"I'm not done yet, you brat." Said Anko. "And I ain't here to do diss talk on an insignificant little thing like you. I just happen to be paying off Umino's dango is all. Ain't that right, Umino baby?"

Iruka veered off, unwilling to be dragged into the fray. He hated seeing his student being pushed around, but this was a fight he had no place in.

"You want to be strong? Then start understanding that strength comes in different packages. You may not be able to punch as hard, but you will be able to endure more pain. You may not be as physically strong but you can go places your boy pals would get kicked out in a second. Some other guys may be able to beat you to a tar in a brute force fight but put on your skirt and your wiles and you could kill him even before he knows it. People have different ideas about strength and what it is and being strong does not guarantee that you will win or that you will get the thing you want in life. I know what they say about strong kunoichi. Well fuck em' is what I say. Being equal does not mean being the same. You want to be strong? Then start learning about yourself rather than copying it from someone who is not you."

The girl looked at her, all wide eyed and open mouthed. Umino Iruka too, in a way that said he didn't expect Anko to off and rant about such things.

"Well, dang, you mean nobody ever taught you that?"

7.

One day Naruto broke into Iruka's apartment in the wee morning, pale faced and close to tears. When he asked what's wrong, the girl reply was.

"Iruka, I think I'm going to die. It just won't stop bleeding."

Iruka's eyes went to the bottom of her sleeping pants then… and saw red. Come to think of it, Naruto just had her eleventh birthday didn't she? And… now that he was on that track, didn't Nodoka-sensei threw Naruto out of the physical education for kunoichi class the other day because she had been pranking too much?

"Shit" Iruka commented eloquently to a sobbing Naruto. It took him a full five minutes of panicking before he settled for finding a blanket, wrapping Naruto up in it, then carting her off in a dead run to Anko's place.

8.

When he heard the girlish screams and squeals coming from his home room class, Iruka had a guess what just about happened. Not even a half minute later, a panting Kiba came out to beg for help.

"Sensei, Naruto is doing that dirty jutsu again! It's so gross that Chouji passed out. Sasuke already ran away! You have to do something about it! Please!"

Before Naruto became a full-on genin, Anko's most important tactical lesson to her was that the skirt was the sword's natural enemy… and vice versa. Naruto applied what she learned into the very first jutsu she created.

The Sexy no Jutsu, under this fair and square philosophy, was born with two versions, the boy's, and the girl's.

Naruto used the boy version, which was modeled after a teenage Sasuke Uchiha, to devastating effect on the female population of the ninja academy. It was most useful in getting her that extra lunch money from clanborn Yamanaka Ino and some much needed help with homework from brainy Haruno Sakura. Plus, the sight of that Uchiha bastard fleeing in tears never failed to put her in a good mood.

It took a campaign from Iruka and the entire male population of the ninja academy plus the affiliated clans and the Hokage (who withdrew his signature after being assaulted by the female version) to put a stop to Naruto parading Sasuke's naked teenage body around on a daily basis.

Then Naruto created the Harem no Jutsu.

End chapter 1

1. This story was written as a gift for a friend on Gaanaru Fanday July the 28th. It is also written for the lulz and because I want to a/ screw with people b/ find out what happens when player number 2 now has a slot instead of tab and a physical and political can/may happen between Suna and Konoha. Just, you know… curious….

2. I hope to complete this in 2-3 weeks.