I could not just leave it at the last chapter, could I.?

Winter blue eyes snapped open and the female soldier stood from the chair she knew as a constant. It was a fixed thing in her world of murder and pain and cold (So cold). People passed her by, carrying papers and one of them spoke to her, asking questions and dotting down the answers. She did not like being observed like this but she was an asset, a superior soldier, a person that was not a person.

Still, Winter Soldier held onto the feelings of something missing, something which made her long frozen heart twist with yearning despite not remembering. Winter Soldier blinked and tilted her head, listening to the assignment she was given. Eliminate Howard Stark. The name tickled the back of her mind but the Winter Soldier refused to speak that it was familiar. She did not want to have another memory wipe so soon.

Still, Winter Soldier did her job and assassinated Howard and Maria Stark, leaving Anthony Stark, a bright child, in the hands of Obadiah Stane.

Memory wipes were painful and they became more often as time passed, as her assignments became more often and her handlers became more frantic- especially after the find of Captain America in the ice. The Winter Soldier was in constant pain, her mind played with several times a day. Something fought against the wipes, something passionate and warm. Ever since SHIELD freed Captain America from ice, Winter Soldier's mind was plagued with memories of sweet smiles, star spangled uniforms and promises.

When she got an assignment to eliminate Fury, Winter Soldier was ready to do anything to achieve that. Her mind was a blank slate and, while the man was as cunning and wily as they come- she was successful. Another target was hit.

Then she fell into a twister of righteous people, people thirsting for revenge and that star spangled man kept calling her Bucky and Jamie but she was certain that she was neither. She was an asset, a robot made out of flesh, programmed to destroy not save, not help or feel. So, why was it so difficult to pull one of many knives at him, get in close and just shove the blade into his throat? Winter Soldier could see that Captain America truly believed she was Bucky, could see how soft, how loathe to hurt her he was. She fought tooth and nail against the onslaught of memories, feelings and the robot she was.

"I'm with you..." Captain America, Steve, said with strong conviction. "Till the end of the line, Bucky."

"NO!" The Winter Soldier, Bucky, screamed and continued to fight. They grappled, rolling over and over until Steve was the one hanging way up in the sky and Winter Soldier remembered.

The fall.

Skinny Steve.

Gals and fellas.

Smiles and worries.

But she fights it because it is scary and she doesn't want to fall, doesn't want to love the man a part of her doesn't know, a part of her considers an enemy. Still, Winter Soldier is losing and Bucky wins the battle, even if it is for just a moment and Bucky saves Steve from drowning. But Bucky is afraid and shaking from the onslaught of emotions so familiar yet so foreign. She runs and promises to herself and Steve, especially Steve, that she will get better and then come back.

Bucky spends time sorting out her mind and hiding from Hydra. She hates them, hates the metal arm, herself and everything she has become. Still, she works hard on controlling what she recognizes as shell shock and coming to terms with her sins. Bucky refuses to put all the blame on Hydra or SHIELD. It was partly her fault for not fighting sooner, letting them brainwash her into a soldier, an assassin.

It hurts not being with Steve and remembering how gentle and loving he was, how his body, both skinny and muscled, felt against hers and how often Steve just made her stay still to draw her. Bucky loved Steve and it hurt so much because she couldn't be with him.

But, Bucky willed herself to get better, to be the person worthy of Steve and his love (Bucky knew he would love her either way- good or evil- so she wanted to get better for herself too).