Title: Declaration of Guilt
Characters: Sam, Cas, Dean
Genre: Angst
Rating: T (language)
Notes: Basically a major angst-fest, but I was having some Sam feels and this was created in turn. Post 9x11, flashbacks and direct references from earlier episodes/seasons. I do not own Supernatural, just playing in the sandbox for a little bit!
Summary: "If anyone's listening. Here goes. My name is Sam Winchester and I have no idea where to begin." There are some things that shouldn't be kept a secret. Castiel shows Dean exactly what Sam had confessed in the church. Features angsty!guilty!Sam, guilty!Dean and understanding!Cas.

The air felt heavy, almost cloudy in the old church. Mildew stained the wood paneling on the walls, the floorboards were starting to pry from their nails and paint was peeling from the siding.

There certainly hadn't been any occupants in the near past; it was a desolate and abandoned place. Just what they needed.

Even the confessional door was worn down, a chunk taken out of the checkered face Sam noticed as he opened it, a loud creak echoing in the surrounding space from the rusty hinges.

Sitting down on the dusty bench, he took a deep breath and steadied his shoulders.

"Okay, um…if anyone's listening. Here goes."

…

"Yeah?" He answered roughly, after picking his phone up from the passenger seat.

"Dean, its Castiel. I need to speak with you."

"You're talking to me now Cas."

"In person."

Dean sighed, switching his phone to the left ear while he continued to drive.

"I don't think that's a good idea man."

He heard a vague exasperated sigh on the other end of the line, "It's about Sam."

"What's wrong? Did something happen?"

"No. At least not presently. Sam is fully healed, but I still need to speak with you Dean."

Dean sighed, hand squeezing the steering wheel.

"Fine. I'm on the outskirts of Missouri. Olathe."

"Alright, I will meet you there. Stay where you are."

"Wait Cas-

Dean sighed again as the connection was severed, pocketing his phone and clenching his jaw. Whatever Cas had to tell him probably wasn't good news. Glancing down at the newly acquired present he had received hours before, he sighed heavily. Nothing was good news anymore. Carefully, pulling off to the side of the road, he waited for his angel friend to locate him.

…

"My name is Sam Winchester, and…I have no idea where to begin. I guess the old 'forgive me father for I have sinned' would come in handy. Because I am sorry, and I have sinned."

Sam paused for a moment, a rueful smile coming to play on his face. Clasping his hands together, he continued.

"I'm sorry Mom, Dad. That I never turned out to be the son I know you'd want me to be. That I always wanted more than this, even though deep down I knew I never deserved it. That there was something wrong with me, starting when I was a kid.

"I suppose that's why I took on these trials, to prove to myself, and my brother, that I could finally do something right."

…

"Please, help me do something right."

Castiel frowned as he drove along the dark highway from the bunker. He had told Sam he was going out for a bit, Olathe was only a few hours away, so he would be back in the morning. It was a vague suggestion, and he knew Sam suspected that he was going to visit Dean. Just not knowing about what.

His frown deepened, thinking about what he had witnessed while removing Gadreel's grace from Sam. The young man's resilience to try and do the right thing, the words that had rolled off his tongue in desperation.

Dean may have been the brother that buried his feelings, but Sam was definitely more efficient at keeping them hidden so deep inside himself that they threatened to devour him whole. There was no release, no way for him to convey his thoughts and opinions without feeling like he would be ridiculed.

Castiel felt truly sorry for the young man, could now empathize with what he felt and vowed to try and help him, as he had done for Dean countless times.

….

"I mean, finally closing the gate of hell for good. What could be better than that? No more demons, no more temptation. Ha."

Sam closed his eyes and bit down on his lip and the harsh laughter in the back of his throat, knuckles white from his intense grip.

"At least Dean might stop throwing it back in my face. What were his exact words that he thought I should confess, oh right, Ruby, killing Lilith, Letting Lucifer out of his cage, losing my soul and not looking for him in Purgatory.

So I guess my greatest sin would be-would be how many times I've let my brother down. All the times that I tried so hard, just to keep going through all the shit that was thrown my way…

My whole life there has been some sort of interference, something that encouraged me to choose the wrong path. Hell, being Lucifer's vessel, the angels controlling everyaspect of my life, I was damned from the beginning, before I was even born. S'not hard to see how I ended up this way. A complete and utter screw-up.

I mean, I always started with good intentions, but they alwaysended up fucked. It never failed. And nobody seemed to understand why I did what I did. I'll admit that the demon blood was definitely not my shining moment, but Dean was gone and I thought that I could save people, not kill them and damn them to hell. In hindsight, I should have known that Ruby was a manipulative, backstabbing bitch – she was a demon after all – but after my brother was in hell I needed…something. Something good, to know I was trying to do something good."

…

"Dean," Castiel greeted, taking in the man's haggard and worn appearance. He wanted to make sure the other man was alright, but there were more important matters to discuss.

"Hey Cas, coming to check up on me?" Dean asked with a sarcastic smirk, stepping out of the Impala to stand next to the angel.

Cas shook his head, "Not at the moment, but I need to talk to you about Sam."

Dean turned stone-faced, crossing his arms over his chest. "So you said. What's going on?"

The angel looked up at the sky, watching the stars for a moment, caught in the peace and serenity he was able to appreciate.

"Just how strong do you think your brother is Dean?"

…

"I did fail in saving him from going to hell, so why not exorcize the sons of bitches that sent him there in the first place? But hey, that only succeeded in letting Lucifer out after I killed Lilith. Guess the message Dean left me was right; I was a bloodsucking freak…"

Sam exhaled slowly, the same self-depreciating smile on his lips.

"Even after the soulless fiasco, Dean still blames me for it. How in the hell was it my fault? I didn't choose to escape the cage, minus my soul. So how am I supposed to condone my actions when I wasn't even there? I mean…it's infuriating. How easy it is for him to blame me for everything, when all I ever tried was to make him proud. I-I can't stand it, the thought that Dean still looks at me like I'm a freak, something that should be watched and guarded. Hell, he didn't even think I'd be able to do these trials; he didn't have enough faith in his own brother-

He choked off, pressing a hand to his mouth to stifle the gasp that surely would have escaped.

….

"What?!"

Castiel turned to face Dean, face steeled and serious, head tilted in his usual way. The elder Winchester looked taken aback and slightly confused, frown on his face.

"You heard me. How strong do you think Sam is, Dean?"

There was complete silence in the space between the two men, one frozen in contemplation, the other looking at the angel apprehensively.

"Cas, are you sure something didn't happen? Cause what you're saying isn't exactly comforting."

"I was merely asking your opinion on something I think needs to be brought to light. Because I don't think Sam is half as strong as you think he is."

The frown was further etched onto Dean's face, "What the hell, Cas?" he asked defensively. "He's…Sam. Who he's always been, the kids a fighter man."

"Not by choice."

"Excuse me?"

It was Castiel's turn to be aggressive, his voice rough, "Sam did not choose this life, and I think it's time for you to understand how much destruction it has caused him. Even though he may be a broken man, he is stronger than you believe him to be."

….

"How am I supposed to live up to someone who thinks I can never do anything right?"

Sam whispered into the dank, secluded space, eyes tearing up, knowing his brother was right outside the church walls. Taking a few panicky breaths, Sam swallowed, throat dry, his stomach rolling with dread.

"So, yeah. My greatest sin is how many times I've let Dean down. Despite how hard I've tried to get him to believe in me."

….

"Do you know what he confessed, when he purified his blood to begin the third trial?"

Dean's face paled, and he turned his face away. "Yeah." His voice turned rough also, heavy with emotion. "He said his greatest sin was how many times he'd let me down."

Cas forced himself to look away from the guilt that seemed to radiate off the young man. He knew that Dean felt terrible about what had occurred in the church, it wasn't hard to tell, and about Gadreel, but there was an issue. He hadn't apologized. Dean hadn't tried to breach and talk to Sam about what the younger man had said in the church. The motivation and why he had acted as he did.

Standing taller, the angel rolled his shoulders and began to speak again, voice piercing the silence.

"Yes. When I was healing your brother, I recognized a piece of grace left by Gadreel. There was a chance we were able to track him from it, only if we extracted the grace from Sam. We did extract it, though Sam was willing to go…too far. And when I was removing it, I-I caught a glimpse of some of his memories. Flashbacks. Ones I am certain he is keeping from you."

Dean's eyes widened at Cas' words, lips pressed together hard. "Cas, what…what are you saying?"

"I'm saying that I think it's time you try and understand your brother better. Miscommunication will be your downfall and I don't want you two to…fall apart."

Stepping closer, Cas lifted a hand, and motioned towards Dean, whispering quietly in the dark.

"Please. Let me help you, help Sam. It's what he deserves."

The eldest opened his mouth to speak, but quickly closed it, swallowing hard. Exhaling deeply, Dean pointed the angel a hard glance, uncrossing his arms in defeat.

"What are you going to show me?"

"The words your brother is too afraid to say to you."

Assuming Dean's question as consent, Castiel reached forward and pressed his fingers to the man's worry-lined forehead.

….

Taking one last deep breath, Sam stood and bowed his head for a moment, before exiting the confessional. Not glancing back at the room, he steeled his features and made his way outside to face his brother, resolve slightly shaken from the confession. But there was a larger portion of him that knew he had to succeed, there was no question about it. He couldn't fail. Not at this, not for his brother.

"I'm sorry Dean; I won't fail you this time."

….

A series of images passed through Castiel to Dean, memories that Sam had kept hidden to himself; unspeakable confessions, layers of misplaced guilt and pain. So much pain. It astounded Castiel how the young man was even able to get up in the morning.

But the memories not only encompassed what Sam had confessed in the church, but others that had been plaguing his mind for years.

….

The first scene was Sam, phone to his ear as Ruby stood a little ways off, a sign proclaiming the location of a convent a few miles down the road.

"Listen to me, you bloodsucking freak. Dad always said I'd either have to save you or kill you. Well, I'm giving you fair warning. I'm done trying to save you. You're a monster, Sam - a vampire. You're not you anymore. And there's no going back."

He watched his brother press a button in resigned acceptance, a hard look on his features as he breathed out, "Do it," towards Ruby.

.

.

.

A loud metallic sound filled the air and he watched himself exit through the doorway, Sam's face filled with sadness as the amulet fell into the trash. Wincing as it made contact with the bottom of the container. Waiting until his brother was gone, Dean witnessed Sam slowly make his way over to the garbage and pull the amulet from the trash as he took a deep breath, determination on his face.

.

.

.

The scene changed, this time they were sitting at Bobby's, speaking about Sam's hallucinations about Lucifer, but this time he could hear and see the former devil, sitting in the middle of the room and messing with his brothers head.

"I wasn't hiding it Dean, I – I just wasn't taking about it."

"You know he's not real, right."
"He says the same thing about you."

.

"You know, I think that's why we're cleaning our guns."
"Shut up – I said shut up!"

.

"Want to point that gun at something useful. Try your face. Want to know the truth. Want to skip to the last page of the book. You know where to aim."

.

.

.

The next memory was from last year when they were working the case with Garth, and he had a gun held up at Sam.

"You should have looked for me when I was in Purgatory.

.

"Mistakes? Well, let's go through some of Sammy's greatest hits. Drinking demon blood, check. Being in cahoots with Ruby. Not telling me that you lost your soul… Those aren't mistakes, Sam. Those are choices!"

.

"Benny has been more of a brother to me this past year than you've ever been!...You let me down."

.

"Look, I lost my brother, Dean, a few months ago. It felt like my world imploded and came raining down on me, and... I ran."

.

.

.

The last memory that passed through to Dean was Sam's confession, the one he made in the church to purify his blood to complete the trials. His brother looked so defeated in that moment, bitter and resigned. It wasn't hard to tell how fast he had deteriorated during the progress of the trials, but listening to him confess, God, it was heartbreaking.

…

Dean took a deep breath as Cas finally lifted his hand, the onslaught of memories ceasing, but his mind was buzzing with the new information. He gazed at his friend sadly.

"Cas…what the hell? How, why…"

"I merely thought it would be best that you have this information. Do what you wish with it, but I do hope you make the right choice. For yours and Sam's sake."

They looked at each other for a few more moments, Dean dropping his gaze as his eyes burned.

Castiel put a hand on his friend's shoulder, "I'm heading back to the bunker, Sam will be wondering where I went, and although he probably won't be happy that I showed you what I did, I believe you needed to see those memories Dean. To comprehend what your brother has been through in the past few years."

Talk to him Dean. Truly talk to him. Just try and understand his feelings, don't demean them."

Dean glanced up at the angel and attempted a small nod. "Alright." He breathed out in agreance. "Alright, thanks Cas."

The angel gave a small smile, still worried for his companion. Hoping that the brothers would be able to mend their bridges, doubts and insecurities.

...

"If you finish this trial, you're dead Sam."

.

.

.

"So?"