Disclaimer: The following is an abridged parody of Skullgirls. I do not claim ownership over Skullgirls or any of the characters outside of the original ones designed for the story. Let it be known that there will be multiple instances of suggestive/crude themes, strong language and dark humor, but these are played for laughs and aren't meant to offend anybody.

With that said — Please support the official release of Skullgirls on Steam, PS3, PS4, PSV, Xbox360 and the Nintendo Switch!

'Legend tells of an ancient artifact that can grant a woman's wish…The Skull Heart, however if she is impure of heart her wish will be corrupted and she will turn into an immensely powerful, twisted being of destruction…The Skull Girl'

The view pans out from the words detailing the story of the Skullgirl to reveal that a young man was reading the book containing the legend. After he was done reading he placed the book inside the bag that was by his feet.

The young man was a passenger on a large blimp-like ship carrying a variety of people inside.

"...What a load. Only granting the wish of a woman? I've never heard of a more sexist thing in my life." He huffed and crossed one leg over the other while resting his cheek in the palm of his hand. He sat by the window with his elbow on the window sill to his left.

'Nothing but a sea of clouds since we left the ground. I was honestly hoping I'd get to see the world below as we traveled considering there's nothing else to do on this ship. Not even a movie. Well, anyway, I'm going to see if I can find this Skull Heart and make a wish for myself. What will I wish for exactly? Honestly, I dunno. I should probably fix that.'

"What's all this talk about wish granting, man?" A little girl from the seating row ahead was looking down to him from the back of the chair she was standing up in.

He looks at her with a raised brow. "Excuse me?"

"You're going crazy back here and I'm trying to read my Skullgals comic! You know you were actually speaking aloud and not narrating the plot, right?"

For a brief moment he gave an unreadable gaze at the young girl as if not wanting to answer her question, or possibly because he honestly couldn't recall whether or not he was monologuing to himself.

"Wow. Breaking the fourth wall this early? I can already tell this is gonna suck." He finally replied without answering her.

The girl gave him an annoyed glare before realizing he didn't look familiar. "Hey, you look kinda…different. I don't think I've ever seen you around before."

"That's because I'm new around here. My home is…very far away. I'll be living in the Canopy Kingdom for a little while. I'm searching for something. I'll get it and get out." He directs his attention back to the window, trying to dismiss the little girl with a clear disinterest in furthering the conversation.

The girl looked at him with an intrigued look, "Oooooh, new guy?" she asked before forming a cocky grin. "Well you're not home anymore! It's a whole new world out here."

"I know." He replies unenthusiastically, still looking out to the clouds.

"My sister is actually the crown princess of the Canopy Kingdom."

The young man's eyes slightly widened at her sudden statement, he faced the girl with a puzzled look on his face. "Your sister is a princess? Wouldn't that make you a princess as well?"

She nods with a proud smile, giving her answer. "What's your name?"

"…I can't give out my real name, but you can refer to me as 'The Player'."

"The player?" She repeated, now extending her index finger upon her bottom lip while angling her head slightly upward, gesturing that she was in a curious state of mind. "Eh. Whatever." She shrugs off her initial thoughts, not thinking much of it at this point. "I'm Umbrella. It would be wise to remember that. Now if you'll excuse me I have to use the little girl's room!"

She jumps out of her seat and runs to the back of the blimp to use the rest room.

The Player shook, relieved to have the chatty youth out of his hair. Now that he had a piece of peace he directed his head left, back to the boring view of clouds.

'How did I end up meeting a princess the day I decided to come out here? I hope she isn't a plot device. I just want to get this Skull Heart thing and make my wish. I tried looking for these other artifacts, they were mystical orbs or something, and they grant wishes, but it turns out there's seven of them scattered around the world and I'd have to talk to some green dragon about my wish. Not only that I'm only allowed ONE wish for all that work. Screw that. This was much simpler. I hope I'm narrating to myself correctly this time.'

The thick clouds finally started to break and the view of a large sprawling land could be seen in the distance.

The Player looked on in awe upon seeing it just ahead. The intercom at the front of the ship was beginning to turn on. "Good evening ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. We will be arriving in the Canopy Kingdom shortly. I repeat we will be arriving in the Canopy Kingdom shortly."

'First thing I'm gonna do when I get down there is look for a place to eat. I probably should've eaten before coming out on the flight…then again the flight attendant said it would've been a quick trip not this 24 hour nightmare with terrible service. I should get my money back…'

He stood up from his seat and looks to the rear of the ship for Umbrella but she was nowhere to be found. He sat back in his seat and checked his bag to make sure he had everything before the ship landed at port.

'Ok, seriously, she can't still be pissing…if anything I could've at least got her to show me around. Maybe even let her pay for a meal if we found a place to eat. Normally I'd get crap for letting a girl pay for it but she's a princess. She's rich! I ain't gotta feel bad about that.'

He took out a small book titled 'Canopy for Idiots' and turned a few pages before stopping on the section containing the information he was looking for.

'Ruled by the royal Renoir family, the Canopy Kingdom is a sprawling land of vast variety, with sights of beauty contrasted by realms of despair. King Renoir's ruthless war campaigns lead to explosive technological and cultural growth, but only through grave ethical and moral sacrifices.

Seven years ago, the world was engulfed in conflict, in what became to be known as the Grand War. Queen Nancy Renoir found the Skull Heart and wished for peace, but found herself transformed into the most powerful Skullgirl to date as a result. In the end, the three nations had to stop their war to team up to defeat the former queen – in the end her wish was granted, as an uneasy peace formed following her demise.'

"Well that sucks. While this Skull Heart thing does sound dangerous it doesn't say anything about turning any man into a Skullboy, and why is it that only women get to make a wish? Has any male tried making a wish upon the thing? Why don't the girls just make their wish but at the end say 'without turning me into the Skullgirl'? I guess as I'm walking I should watch for plot holes."

A couple of minutes later the flying ship finally made its landing at port. All the passengers inside gathered their things and walked out of the 3 doors available for exiting. The Player threw the bag over his shoulder and exits through the front.

"Comin' out and feelin' about 10 pounds lighter!" Umbrella came out of the bathroom speaking in a victorious tone. She was surprised to see that the ship was nearly deserted but even more surprised to see that the Player had left without her. She growled with an annoyed "Jerk..." came from her mouth.

The Player was already well on his way with the only thing to his name being the bag on his back. As he traversed the bustling streets, large airships, similar to the one he was riding on earlier, were soaring overhead in a most impressive display.

"Wow…this place is huge. I wonder where I should start to look for th-" Suddenly he was seemingly tackled by a mysterious figure in a black trench coat. The impact was enough to make both of them fall over. "Ack!" He grunts as he hit the ground. "Hey! What's the big idea?!"

After leaning up he looks around for the one who bumped into him and finds them lying flat on the ground beside him with the coat, seemingly, over their head. He removed the coat from over the pedestrian only to freeze up once he noticed there was no head attached to the body.

"There it is!" A feminine voice called out.

The Player's eyes slowly scrolled up to see a head moving toward him. The head was upside and had feline ears, using them to move about as if it was normal.

"Thank you for catching my body. It would've been a real CATastrophe if it got away." The severed head appeared to have a sense of humor by using a pun, failing to realize how horrified the person before her was.

The body on the ground started to move on its own and eventually sat up, rubbing the empty space on its shoulders as if scratching its head…which it was clearly missing.

"I'm down here!" The woman yelled out to the body which began to feel around before finally placing its hands upon the head.

After gripping it the body managed to put the head on its shoulders, the head and body were a perfect fit and connected to reform a wholesome woman.

"There!" She cheerfully stretched her arms out with a satisfied grin.

The Player was still looking on, frozen in disbelief with a dropped jaw and shrunken eyes.

The cat girl noticed his expression and finally decided to speak up on the matter. "Um-"

The player jumps back and pointed at the young woman. "Aaaaaahhhhhh!" His screaming was nearly identical to that of a frightened prepubescent girl.

The confused feline woman simply tilted her head slight confusion with a soft "Meow?" coming out as her only response. Before she could say anything else The Player turns in the other direction and dashes through the crowd of citizens with no intention of looking back.

The more he ran the crazier things got. The sight of human-animal hybrids of this caliber was new to his eyes and enough to keep him running for the majority of the day, he continued running until the sun started to go down.

Now that he seemed to be in the clear from the bizarre he took the time to finally rest. He laid his back up against a nearby wall and slowly slid down until he was sitting. He looks up to the sky while trying to catch his breath.

"…What the heck is up with this place? What were those things?" His eyes started to drift around, checking his surroundings. "…Uh, where am I?" His panic lead him to a small seaside-like town, he sighs heavily once he realized he was now more lost than he already was. "Great. What am I supposed to do now?"

Suddenly something caught his attention. He closed his eyes and slightly held out his nose to take in a small whiff of the air.

"…Food." He said to himself, nearly drooling.

He got up and followed the scent, traversing the many laid out wooden platforms which acted as a walking source for getting around the rest of the town that was submerged in water.

The Player carefully made his way until he found the source of smell he was attracted to, and much to his joy it lead him to a restaurant.

"Hallelujah!" He exclaimed in delight. "Finally…a place where I can have a good meal! Hm, 'Yu-Wan'…sounds Chinese, a Chinese restaurant. Now things are starting to look up." He smiled as he pushed open the front door and closed it behind himself.

"Welcome sir!" A gentle voice called out to him as he walked in.

He turned to where he heard the voice and noticed another hybrid creature, it was impossible for him to tell what exactly she was but she wasn't threatening in the slightest and yet he had that same horrified look when he ran into that cat woman, most likely a force of habit at this point since he was running and panicking all day.

"Table for one?" She asked him politely.

The player's eyes widened, his jaw dropped and he pointed. "Aaaaa- actually…you're kinda cute."

"Huh?" She tilts her head curiously to his claim.

The Player shook his head, dismissing his own compliment to the young woman. He played it off as if everything was fine. "I mean...yes. A table for one Miss-" He looked down to her name tag "-Minette."

The waitress, Minette, smiled brightly at him and nods. "Right this way please." She lead him to a table near the window, placing down a menu and silverware for him. He sat down and pulled his seat up to the table. "Have a look through the menu and see what you'd like to order today. As you already know my name is Minette and I will be your waitress for today. If there's anything you need just call me and I'll be right over!"

"Thank you." The Player responded pleasantly due to Minette's excellent customer service. She bowed respectfully to him and went off to help another customer, leaving the Player to have a look through the menu. "Such a nice, sweet girl."

"Ya hear the news?" A voice spoke up from a table not too far from where the Player was sitting. "The Skullgirl's been going after all those families in Maplecrest…"

Hearing the name 'Skullgirl' quickly caught the Player's attention. He turned his head to the right and saw two goons discussing the matter at their own table. He was careful not to make himself too obvious with his eavesdropping.

"Looks like this new Skullgirl's got a bone to pick with the boss." The second goon spoke up. "Where has he gone, anyway? Think the rumors of him getting sick are true?"

The Player placed his fist on his mouth in a thinking gesture. "Generic mafia goons. Talk about a pretty consecutive day: first the youngest princess of the Kingdom and now goons who know about the Skullgirl. If they know about her then they gotta know about the Skull Heart too. It won't be a smart idea to just straight up ask them about it, unless I want to end up in the trunk of their car. I wonder if there are any normal people out there who-"

Just as he continued to think to himself a commotion breaks out over at the goon's table. "Is everything OK over here? Are these guys bugging you, Minette?" A familiar voice asked.

The Player took another quick glance over to the noise and was shocked to see the cat woman from earlier. Just remembering the sight he saw earlier was enough to make him cringe in his seat.

"Go find yourself a sandbox, kitty – we're just havin' a friendly chat with the little minnow here." The first goon continued to harass the two ladies much to the Player's disgust. Seeing their uncouth behavior to the girls was almost enough to make him completely forget about the horrors he saw earlier.

"Leave now, or I'll throw you out myself." The feline woman spoke sternly.

The larger goon had his focus on the feline. "Can't you take a clue, you flea-bitten tart!?"

With how things were escaulating the Player quickly found himself highly annoyed at the insults and rude behavior the older men were giving the younger girls. He slammed his fist on the table and stood up. "If there's one thing I cannot stand its generic bad boys taking advantage of ladies, let alone verbally abusing them, and I'm not gonna stand for this!"

"Clearly you don't know who you're messing with." The first goon continued on, not even acknowledging the Player, as he stood up with his hand on a hidden blade's hilt.

"Hey y-!" The Player was about to call the gangsters out but was stopped immediately when he saw the thug take out a large bladed weapon and swung it across the feline's neck, cutting her head clean off, blood gushing from her decapitated neck. The Player's built up tension diminished instantaneously as her lifeless body hit the floor.

"Ha, did you see that? That stupid cat didn't stand a chance."

The Player did a 180 to the nearest window with a serious case of 'Nope' all over his face. He got within a diving stance and leaped out of the window, landing on the wooden platform outside. He got up and ran as fast as he could away from the restaurant.

"WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH THIS PLACE?!"

Later that night The Player eventually found himself wandering the bustling streets of the neon lit downtown area of New Meridian, the city was just as lively at night as it was during the day time meaning the city was rich with a night life scene.

The Player managed to stumble upon a small café and went inside.

"Welcome sir." The owner behind the counter kindly greeted the young man. "Please, sit wherever you'd like."

The café was was seeing a bit of a slow night, there were only three other costumers — two adults, a male and a female, and a teenage girl, who was enjoying her milkshake away from the adults.

The young lady was wearing a white and black school uniform, black thigh high socks and a hat of matching color to compliment her appearance.

The Player walks by the girl and sat down on the other side of the counter where he noticed the menu. As he read over the food and beverages a familiar man approached the young lady while she was in the middle of drinking her milkshake.

"Well, well, well...what have we here? What say I buy you a real drink, sister?" The man offered.

Realizing this older gentlemen was trying to catch her attention the girl looks back to him with an uninterested glance.

The Player was all too familiar with the sound of the flirt's voice, prompting him to look in the direction of the two, and to his shock it was the same scumbag from earlier, and acting so casually in public no less after being an accomplice to the brutal decapitation he witnessed earlier.

The man placed one hand on the girls cheek while the other had a firm grip on her thigh.

"That's...the same guy from earlier." The Player quickly turned his head in the other direction to keep his stare from being noticeable, so he instead took sneak peaks out the corner of his eye to get small glimpses to ensure he was seeing the right person. "No doubt about it. And now he's preying on that girl? What's his game here?"

The look of disgust on the young lady's face obviously meant that she wasn't keen on him touching her, but before she could act out of self-defense a very masculine voice spoke up, "...We've already got drinks, thanks." and it appeared to have come from the girl.

The man was surprised to hear the voice coming from the girl and raised a brow at the tone he thought was hers. "Uh...that's quite the deep voice you got there, little lady. But it's cool." He continued to play it off with his perverted intentions.

Before he could take this any farther the Player intervened by grabbing the man by his wrist and yanking his hand off of the girl.

"Back off, sicko!" The Player called out before taking the teenager by the hand, making her get behind him.

"Um, excuse me? What are you talking about?" The perverted man questioned in confusion.

The Player scowled at him. "Don't play dumb! You killed that woman in that restaurant and now you're walking around like you didn't do anything wrong! You cut her head clean off! Now you're trying to take advantage of this girl?! You disgust me!"

The girl's eyes widened a bit at the Player's actions and wasn't expecting his sudden arrival. "...Who are you?" She asked softly but wasn't loud enough to catch his attention.

"Don't worry. You're safe." He assured her, unintentionally avoiding her question.

The man pondered for a bit before remembering what happened in the Yu-Wan restaurant. "Oooooh! You mean that fish and cat girl."

"That's right!" The Player exclaimed.

"Look, kid...you got it all wrong. Actually me and my buddy got our butts kic-"

Before he could explain the Player balled his fist and sucker punched the man across the jaw. The impact and force caused the pervert to spin around in a daze which would then go on to knock him out.

"Call 911!" The Player called out to the owner and waitress in the café. "He must be trying to hurt this girl…" He quietly stated to himself before turning to her with a firm grip on her hand. "You're not safe here!" He stepped over the man's body, dragging her along.

The café owner looked down at the unconscious pervert and made haste but instead of calling the cops he checked the man's pockets for money. After stripping him for everything he had the owner and waitress dragged him out to the café's back alleyway where they laid him out between trash bags on the side of a dumpster.

The Player successfully managed to get the girl away from the café by escaping into a remote part of the city.

"Are you ok?" The Player asked her as he came to a stop at a nearby corner.

The girl looks at him with a blank stare at first but soon spoke up, "Yes... I'm fine." she answered.

"Good. That guy was bad news. Based on how he was treating you I can only imagine what he had in mind."

"...Do I know you?" She asked innocently.

"Huh? Oh, no. I don't believe we've ever met. This is actually my first time ever coming to this kingdom and I'm looking for something."

"Oh. I see..." She sighs with her head slightly lowered, hinting at a bit of disappointment in his answer but she shook away her negative feelings in order to finish the conversation. "Thank you for handling that creep earlier, but I could've taken care of him. Um, what's your name anyway?"

"I'm...uh, you can call me 'The Player'."

Before the girl could respond the masculine voice from earlier suddenly spoke "Wow, your parents must've hated you. That's a dumb name." the girl grit her teeth and pulled down on her hat.

The Player was a bit confused after suddenly hearing the masculine voice. "Huh...? What was that?" He questioned.

"N-Nothing!" The girl protested as she kept a firm grip on her hat.

The Player smiled at her, confusing her actions with shyness. "And you are?"

"All I know is that my name...is Filia." She answered with a rather interesting choice of words.

"All you know is your name? I don't understand."

"Yes, that's all I can remember. I don't have any memories outside of that."

The Player took a slight step back from hearing her. "You've forgotten everything except your name?"

Filia gave a single nod in response.

"That sounds dangerous. If you have amnesia you shouldn't be wandering around out here. Have you seen a doctor?"

"No. But I am looking for something that could help get my memory back. I don't really know for sure if it'll help but I'm willing to try anything. I've been searching for some time now and every lead I had proved to be false, to make matters worse there hasn't been anyone who knows me..." The look of disappointment resurfaced for Filia.

The Player couldn't help but feel sorry for Filia, he lightly frowned as she told him the story, there was an urge to help but what could he do? He didn't know anything about Canopy and being a foreigner meant he had to start from scratch, but maybe this was the door for getting started.

"...Hey, uh, don't worry. How about I help you find what it is you're looking for?"

"Huh?" She looks up to him, surprised by his sudden offer.

"Maybe I can help you, or maybe we can help each other. I'm looking for something too. If we come across someone who knows you they might refresh your memory. And who knows, maybe your memories can point me in the right direction."

Filia fluttered her eyes in sudden glee as the Player managed to re-ignite her hope. "You really think we can?"

"Absolutely. I'm sure someone knows you, we just have to look around."

Her eyes twinkled with an adorable smile complimenting her overly cute look. "Thank you! Uh, Player! And you, Samson...you've got to stop doing that. Whenever you have outbursts like that you draw attention to us!"

"Hmph, that creep was asking for it." The masculine voice from before spoke from out of nowhere once more. "No one lays a hand on my host...no one."

The Player scratched the back of his head, that manly voice sounded familiar but there was no one else around, to add onto this Filia was the one who initiated the conversation with the voice.

"Um, who exactly are you talking?" The Player asked.

Filia's hat started to move and her hair launched it into the air, two eyes formed at the top of her skull and a gaping mouth with sharp teeth formed after it.

The back of her head bit down on the hat as it was coming back down, proceeding to chew on it while the Player watched in horror. After eating the hat her hair grew in length and soon had a slim body of its own, even managing to stand up right. In height it stood taller than Filia, with its arms crossed. Filia was left to sway helplessly in the wind like a headband and a simple smirk to show she had no control over her hair as it confronts her new friend.

The Player stood in complete silence during the stare down with this unique creature.

"...Sup?" Her hair, Samson, spoke up to him with an upward nod of the head.

The only thing the Player did was drop his jaw, point and scream in terror much to the shock of Samson who rushed in to silence him by putting his hand over mouth so that they didn't divert any attention to their location.