Secrets

[Trigger warning: kind of a depressing fic, a bit of violence] A one-shot of friendship and betrayal, regret and forgiveness. Sirius keeps a secret about why he told Snape about the Whomping Willow. Slightly AU. [wolfstar]

Disclaimer: The wonderful world of Harry Potter belongs to JK Rowling and Warner Bros. I only dare lay claim on my imagination.

And when at last you find someone to whom you feel you can pour out your soul, you stop in shock at the words you utter— they are so rusty, so ugly, so meaningless and feeble from being kept in the small cramped dark inside you so long." - Sylvia Plath

"Fucking hell, Sirius."

"I'm sorry."

"'Sorry' does not even begin to make up for what you did." James grabbed Sirius by his collar, slamming him against the nearest wall.

"I know, but I still am sorry."

Remus had been quiet during the exchange, probably because he was still in shock of his friend's betrayal. He stared into Sirius eyes, tried to figure the boy out.

Yes, Remus was angry. He was angry at the way things turned out but more than that, he was confused - disappointed.

"Why?" The question was short, soft, but that one word carried too much weight. The two boys turned to look at Remus.

James slowly let go of Sirius and the three descended into silence.

It was Sirius who spoke first. "I'm sorry. I was selfish, stupid. Why I did this doesn't justify what I did. I'm sorry, I really am. I'm hoping one day you'll be able to forgive me, but I understand if you don't. I'm sorry." He didn't try to defend himself - it was like he'd come to terms with what he'd done and was prepared to take the consequences.

"The fuck we won't. We'll never forgive you, because one thing we treasure the most is loyalty, but you seem to have forgotten." James spoke with so much menace it was like a crushing weight on Sirius' chest. He wanted to cry, to beg for forgiveness, to do anything so that things would go back to the way it was before. But the deed was done. He reminded himself that he deserved this.

"I'm sorry." This wasn't a plea for forgiveness - he didn't deserve their forgiveness. His eyes welled up with tears, but he blinked them back fiercely. No, I deserve this.

"Goodbye, Black." The use of his family name shocked Sirius into looking up and into James' and Remus' faces. Their cold, hard gazes bore into his chest, pierced a hole through his heart.

I'm the one at fault. I deserve this.

Sirius felt as if someone had sat on his chest, cutting off his air supply. He couldn't breathe - there was too big a lump in his throat. He wanted to cry, but he couldn't. His tears were choked behind his tears ducts, just like how his breath was choked in his windpipe, just like how his blood refused to flow to his head.

He felt faint, his vision blurred.

Then, he started walking, quickly. It was almost like a reflex action. He didn't know where he was going, he only knew he couldn't stop. Everything was a blur - he couldn't hear, he couldn't feel. His senses were numbed.

Finally, he arrived at the edge of Hogwarts grounds. He was at the cliff, at a corner hidden by trees - his brother and his secret meeting spot. He settled into a nook in the stone, such that he faced the rest of Hogwarts while being totally hidden.

Once he settled down, it only took a few seconds for all his withheld thoughts to rush back into his head.

How could he have been so stupid? So selfish? How could he have hurt Remus, his Moony?

His thoughts became the undoing of his pent-up emotions. Tears flowed freely down his cheeks, his breath uneven and clumsy between his sobs. For the first time in his life at Hogwarts, he cried. He cried for the lost of his friends, cried for the lost of Moony, cried for the lost of Padfoot.

His shoulders shook, like avalanches of guilt wracking his body.

His betrayal, his guilt, built up in the pits of his stomach and spiralled into self-loathing that lodged in the middle of his chest.

It had been about a month since the last time they spoke, but time hadn't dulled the effects of his own betrayal.

It still hurt as hell when they passed each other in the corridors, them pretending he didn't exist, and him making himself as invisible as possible.

It still hurt as hell when he had to sit as far away possible from them during mealtimes. Sometimes he only needed to take one look at their faces and he wouldn't be able to force any food down.

It still hurt as hell that he had to cast a silencing spell around his bed in the dorm and keep the curtains perpetually closed so that they could pretend his didn't exist.

He'd taken to immersing himself in his studies to take himself away from his own dark thoughts and his thoughts about them. Now that he didn't spend time with his friends, or spend any time pranking, he found himself in the library. He only crept back to the dorm just before curfew.

He couldn't sleep. Every night, he struggled with his own thoughts - his guilt barring him from any kind of peace. Even if he did, he slept fitfully and woke up in the wee hours of the morning. He'd given up on maintaining a sleep schedule, and so just completed extra credit work when he woke up too early.

His sleep schedule was far from the only thing he gave up.

He'd given up on girls.

He'd given up on his appetite.

He'd given up on making friends.

The only thing he haven't given up was his studies. It was the only thing that was right in his life. The professors, although glad of his enthusiasm, were more worried by his lack of motivation in other aspects in life.

People once said that "time heals", but Sirius now knew that it's just a load of bullshit.

It had been about two months since they stopped talking, since their last conversation. Nothing had changed. The ache in his chest was still ever-present.

Sirius dreaded going home - he didn't know what his father was going to do to him now he didn't have James' house to visit.

A cold wave of emotion gripped him - fear. But he checked himself. It couldn't be that bad, right?

He was wrong. In fact, his father had been smiling at him the moment he got off the train. Although it looked like a promisingly peaceful holiday, Sirius didn't for a moment believe so.

"Ah, Sirius boy, Regulus tells me you'd unfriended all those Gryffindor blood-traitors. I see you've finally come around. And McGonagall told me you'd improved a lot, ..."

This, was what his father was happy about? How can his father be happy about his loss of friends?

"... proud of you, son."

"No." Sirius was soft, but resolute.

"What?" Orion asked, his positive energy quickly draining away.

"For the record, they unfriended me. I didn't chose for us to stop being friends. Don't be proud of me. I don't want you to be proud of me. I hate you. I hate this family."

A big fist came into contact with Sirius' jaw, the impact causing Sirius to fly and hit the wall.

"YOU ARE A BLACK. Perhaps that's why they decided they didn't like you anymore. You're a Black. You're stuck with it. Black blood flows inside of you, so no matter how hard you resist, Sirius, you're a Black. Remember this."

Orion Black gave Sirius a great kick to his side. "Get up. Go to your room. You won't be let out until you write 1000 lines of 'I am a Black' with the blood quill. I'm going on a business trip. If I see that you haven't come round then, you'll know what to expect."

Sirius glared at his father. He would never, never conform to the pureblood elitism his family so strongly advocated for.

Suddenly, white, hot pain shot through Sirius' body. His brain felt as if it was trapped an an oven, squeezed repeatedly and thrown against the sides. His skin felt as if it was burning, by fire and by frozen nitrogen. His organs felt as if they were ripped apart, passed through the shredder again and again.

And as quickly as it had started, it stopped. The Cruciatus Curse. Sirius thought he should be used to it by now, but the effects of the curse were too torturous to handle.

"A reminder, lest you forget. And that will only be the beginning."

Fuck. Sirius wanted to run, to escape from the insanity that was his family.

I am a Black. I am a Black. I am a Black. Only a few more lines to go, and he would be free. The magic that bounded him to his room would be undone only when he'd completed his punishment.

His fingers were cramping, his arm sore. The words etched on the back of Sirius' hand, his blood drawn and written with. Again and again, each time more painful from the last.

A few more lines left.

They'd given him a self-refilling goblet of water, and a nutrients potion each day that didn't help with the hunger.

Sirius was becoming delirious with his desperation to get out of this hellhole.

One. More. Word.

There. Done.

Sirius quickly got up from his table, ignoring the pain in his hand. In an almost crazed manner, he whipped his wand up and packed everything into his trunk. Not caring about the noise he was making, he banged through his bedroom door and ran down the stairs.

He had to get out before his Father came home.

Almost. There. Two more steps out of Black property, two more steps to freedom.

"Ah!" Sirius suppressed a scream as the torture curse struck his body.

Too late.

Right after the damned curse was lifted, Sirius felt a boot on his chest.

"Haven't learnt your lesson, boy? Perhaps you should do more. After all, we can't have the heir not liking his own family, can we?"

The weight of his father leg was suffocating, but not as much as his desire to escape his family, his heritage.

"I don't want to be the heir. You can make me write lines, you can make me study dark magic, but you can't force me to be the heir if I don't want to. I like muggles, I like muggle-borns, I like blood traitors." Sirius gritted his teeth as his father dug his foot down.

Orion Black's face turned a beetroot red. Although he knew his son was a deviant, he didn't know how far gone he actually was. In that moment, he wasn't angry at his son. Rather, he was angry at himself. Embarrassed, even, that he raised such a child.

It was a moment before he spoke up again, a soft resolute in his eyes. "You," he looked at Sirius' face, tried to figure out what went wrong, "are no son of mine." With one last kick, Sirius was thrown out of Black property.

It'd been 2 months and a holiday since Sirius had talked to the Marauders, but whenever he looked at them his guilt renewed itself, refuelling the ache in his chest. Now, however, the remorse increased two-fold - maybe I did it because I'm Black at heart.

Now, he was truly alone. He didn't have family, didn't have friends.

He lost his friends because of family, he lost his family because of his friends. What a fucking joke.

He felt like an extra being, insignificant and defected. Too Black for Gryffindor, too Gryffindor for Black. He couldn't fit anywhere - an island of his own.

"James," Remus was hesitant, unsure of how his friend would react, "I'm going to go talk to Sirius."

"You sure, Moony?"

"I'm sure he didn't mean it. I'm fine now, aren't I? The matter's resolved. Have you seen him, James? He looks terrible, James. His so skinny, James, and have you seen his eye bags?"

"I've noticed." James paused, ruffling his untamed hair. "Don't look at me like that Moony, he used to be my best friend too."

"You're not going to stop me?"

"No. It's your call, Moony."

"Okay, but you promise not to be mean when I bring him back."

"I miss him too, you know."

"Fine."

"Sirius." He turned, surprised. Why did they want to talk to him, after all he'd done? He knew they wouldn't have found him here by chance, so they had to have been deliberately looking for him using the map.

"Sirius."

Reluctantly, Sirius got up from his hiding spot. He owed it to Remus to do whatever he wanted.

As he came face to face with his former best friend, tears began to flow down his cheeks. He wanted to say something, anything, but his mouth was dry. He stared at his friend - the first time in 3 months. He'd forgotten how lovely his eyes were, almond-shaped grey eyes that had a tinge of yellow. Wolf's eyes, Remus had said, but Sirius still loved them. He'd forgotten how handsome his features were - small nose, perfect lips.

Remus, on the other hand, struggled to find the resemblance between this man and Padfoot. The person that stood before him had dark eye bags against his pale skin. His face old and worn out. His school robes were too big for him, a sure sign of his apparent weight loss. It pained him to see his friend like this. Things weren't supposed to turn out like that.

"Sirius." Remus repeated again, this time reaching his hand out towards him.

Surprised by the gesture, Sirius took a step back. This took Remus by surprise. Sirius, who in the past would revel in human contact, now repelling the gesture? Something was wrong, very wrong.

Remus could see fear in Sirius' eyes, hell, he could smell it. There were waves of fear emanating from Sirius, but Remus knew it wasn't directed at him. Sirius was afraid of something else, something he hasn't told anyone.

"No." His voice came out strangled, raspy, rusty from disuse.

"Sirius, please. I forgive you, Sirius. I don't blame you. I haven't for a long time. I'm sorry I took so long to tell you."

"No."

Remus was concerned, confused.

"Sirius," Remus took a step forward, Sirius a step back, "please tell me what's wrong."

"Don't, Remus. I don't deserve your forgiveness. I'm dangerous, Remus." His mind involuntarily reminded him of his father's words, echoing and reverberating in his brain. "Black blood flows through my veins, Remus. I am a Black at the core."

Sirius fisted his right hand and brought it up for Remus to see. At the back of his hand, there, below the moonlight glistened the words etched into his skin "I am a Black".

Remus' breath hitched in his throat, new tears welling up in his eyes. One look and he knew - blood quill, no doubt punishment from his father. So much going on in his life, and no one, no one was there for him. The thought hit Remus like a train, sadness and remorse coursing through his body. I should've been there to help.

"I was selfish, Remus, I'm sorry. What I did - unforgivable."

Selfish? Remus picked up on Sirius' word choice. "It wasn't just a reckless prank, was it?"

Sirius' eyes widened at his question, his heart painfully beating against his chest, thump-thump, thump-thump, thump-thump.

His throat seemed to close on itself, his words swallowing themselves. Inhale, exhale. Inhale, exhale. Blood gushed to his head, causing him to waver momentarily.

For 3 whole months he kept his secret and it'd been eating him, slowly gnawing on his sanity. Only now he'd realise how tired he was. Tired of keeping his secret, tired of hating himself, tired of everything. Tired of being alone.

He was exhausted. So mentally exhausted. That question was like the straw that broke the camel's back - it broke Sirius' mind.

The wall he'd built over the past months came crashing down, letting through the emotions he'd barred himself from feeling. They all clumped together in a lump in his middle, indigestible.

His tears were flowing more freely now, more urgent.

He collapsed to the ground, his legs weak from the overwhelming tirade of emotions.

Remus rushed forward to hold him. This time, Sirius didn't back away.

"Tell me, Sirius, tell me what happened." Remus was crying, too. It hurt him to see his friend in so much pain. How could I not have figured it out earlier?

"Snape, he...he threatened me. He said that he would h..hurt Reg. I couldn't let that happen, Moony. You know them and the dark arts, Reg... Reg wouldn't be able to survive in that environment without support. I'm sorry, Remus, I'm so, so sorry. I...I chose him over you. I chose to protect him over you. I'm sorry. Sorry, sorry, sorry. I shouldn't have been so selfish. I'm sorry."

His voice broke into a sob at his last apology, his hands covering his face as tortured tears continued to flow.

"Fuck, Sirius. It isn't your fault. You did good." Remus hugged his friend tighter, regretting that he didn't figure out sooner, that he could've saved Sirius from so much mental torture.

"I'm sorry, Moony."

"No, I'm sorry, Sirius. I'm sorry you had to go through all of that."

Sirius shook his head against Remus' chest, signalling that he didn't blame Remus.

"Promise me one thing, Padfoot. Let's never keep secrets from each other, okay?"

Sirius could only nod, grateful that he had his Moony back.

They were both still crying, both relieved that everything turned out okay.

"Well," it was awhile before Sirius spoke up, "I have one more secret. I got disowned."

Remus laughed, not only because he saw that coming since a long time ago, but also because it seemed like such a trivial matter compared to the end of their 3 month cold war.

"Well, that's a story for another time. Now let's just enjoy the peace, and the stars."

Following Remus, Sirius laughed too - the first time he had since that day. Now, he remembered that in Remus' arms where he felt the safest, the most comforted, the happiest.

A/N: Wow okay this is by far the longest one-shot I've ever written. So if you managed to get all the way down here, I take it that you like it?

Please leave me a review (I love them, who doesn't), but as usual, constructive criticism is appreciated, flames are not.

Thanks for reading :)