An Archer in a Strange Land

Author: B.H. Ramsay

Disclaimer: I own nothing, and I claim nothing, which is what YOU'LL get if you sue me; nothing. Consider yourselves disclaimed.

Rating: Mature

Dedication: Thanks to Drakependragon and Unkeptsecret

Summary: The World's most Dangerous Spy in the World's most dangerous city...What could possibly go wrong?

Chapter One

Sterling Archer… codename Duchess

Expertise in hand to hand combat… firearms… covert operations

Current Status… Missing in action following the assassination of recently acquired KGB asset Katya Kazanova

Any and all information concerning current whereabouts of Sterling Archer are to be relayed immediately to ISIS HQ Attn: Malory Archer

Eda looked at the text alert in her hands. The picture attached reminded her of Randy, that tasty morsel who'd been tending bar at The Yellowflag.

"The tasty morsel I fed to Revy and her doubtlessly underused cooch." Eda sighed.

Eda had been interested, of course, but with all of Randy's yammering about his dead Russian wife, it felt a little too much like a well-used line. As an expert in such things, Eda prided herself on being a player not in being played. Of course, any player of the game called spy craft would remind her that getting so jaded you can't tell the difference between a well - rehearsed lie and the truth was dangerous.

"Sterling Archer, the world's most dangerous spy."

Some thought he was a pure blind idiot who succeeded more often through blind luck and bald faced deceit. Others said he was a naturally gifted genius and a master of improvisation. As far as Eda was concerned the deciding fact was that both groups pointed to the ISIS operatives record in the field. Sterling Archer's hit to miss ratio on missions was impressive. Even when he failed, he did so with a level of competence even experienced veteran analysts admired.

Eda looked at the picture; there was at least a dozen ways Archer being loose in the villain's paradise known as Roanapur could become a situation. Half of those would allow her to deal with persons of interest, most would put money in her pocket, at least three would lead directly to getting her pipes cleaned too, if she didn't mind getting Revy's sloppy seconds. There was however only one scenario that would grant her all of the above AND grant her the immense satisfaction of the great Ice Queen herself, Malory Archer, owing her a favor.

Eda reached for her phone, this could be a lot of fun and fun was something that Roanapur had seen precious little of lately.

8

9

8

The morning after the night before

Revy opened her eyes her hands already reaching for the tumbler of Bacardi.

She took a pull from the proffered bottle before relinquishing it to the hands that passed her an already-lit smoke.

She took stock of her situation. Her state of undress and the not quite fresh feeling she had implied she'd had sex the previous evening.

Her guest was statistically likely to be male, which helpfully narrowed the field of potential partners since so few men in Roanapur were worth a damn never mind a roll under the sheets. That they were being this polite and helpful post - coital narrowed the list of possibilities even more, and that she wasn't getting a passive aggressive lecture meant it wasn't her boss Dutch or Rokoru Okajima also known as Rock.

Which made whoever it was a stranger.

She reached for her gun.

"It's not loaded," her guest supplied even as he took a pull, a long pull, from the bottle of rum.

Revy looked around the room suspiciously. No bullet holes in the walls or ceiling which meant she hadn't let off a few rounds in her sleep. That made this not her room nor any of the places she tended to frequent.

Waking up in a strange place next to a strange man was of concern for only one very important reason.

"You unloaded my guns."

"Yeah, Sister Mary Funbags suggested it." Her guest supplied

Sister Mary Fun bags, that had to have been Eda, part-time nun, part-time trafficker in illegal goods, and full time pain in the ass. Of course, that opened up a whole lot of other questions only one of which needed answering.

"So how come you're waking up in my bed and not hers?"

"Well, technically this is her bed," Archer snorted.

"Wait, is this the RipOff Church?"

"Nah, it's a safe house," Archer replied with a shrug. "By the way, did you know your gal pal was a spy?"

Revy shrugged. "She's way too connected to be just another crook but I think she's freelance."

"That would explain the bug out bag in the closet, but not the surveillance stuff."

"What surveillance stuff?"

"She has cameras setup with sight lines on the bed and the shower. Guess she uses the place as a Honeypot.."

Even Revy had heard the term before. A person or place meant to entrap unwary souls into committing acts of debauchery that could be used for leverage.

Revy rolled her eyes. "Eda, you bitch, " she yelled at the room, "if you try and sell a tape of me and...what's your name?"

"Archer..."

"Archer having sex I will cut your tits off."

"We didn't."

"We didn't what?"

"Have sex."

"What do mean we didn't have sex?"

"Well, what part of we didn't have sex don't you understand?"

"Considering I'm naked and sticky I'd say the core concept."

Archer frowned, "You had a...unique serving suggestion for the rum. I think you were trying to do body shots without taking your clothes off. You dumped a quarter of a bottle of rum all over yourself so I had to take off your clothes so I could wash them."

Archer gestured at the stacked washer/dryer taking up a small corner of the bachelor apartment. The spinning tumble dryer gave truth to Archer's story which made Revy cock an incredulous eyebrow at him.

"You had a drunk ass chick in a room asking you to do body shots and you passed?"

"Are you kidding me?" Archer replied. "Normally I'd hit that like I was Babe Ruth, but even if you hadn't passed out in the middle of foreplay, I had just as much to drink as you; probably would've been pushing rope."

"I'm shocked"

"That we didn't have sex or that you wanted foreplay?"

"Both." Revy answered, "Were you this chatty last night?"

"Your exact words were - you wanted me do something useful with my mouth."

"Now I remember, you're the new bartender you keep going on about your dead wife and your mom."

"Yeah, if I'd known I could have this much sex by being a grieving widower I'd have been using that scam a long time ago."

"So I'm a notch on your bedpost while you grief bang your way across the South China Sea," Revy growled.

Archer shrugged again. "If it makes you feel better you totally cockblocked the FunNun."

Eda had been interested, and Revy had snatched the man out from under her. "That depends, did you drink all the Bacardi?"

"Well yeah I did," Archer shook a now empty bottle at her. "but your friend left a nice Glengoolie Blue in the mini fridge."

"Scotch- nice, good score."

Eda letting her bang someone she was into was one thing. Leaving her decent hooch so she could do it?

Something weird was going on.

But whatever it was it had nothing to do with her. So why not enjoy the benefits of the situation.

Revy tossed the bedsheets aside. She caught Archer checking out her naked body it was obvious that he liked what he was looking at.

"I'm taking a shower." she said in a husky growl,

Archer watched her walk to the bathroom. Normally he liked a little more sway in a woman's hips, but Revy was the total package and it was obvious that Revy's body was built for making war not making love which meant the loving would be intense a little brutal and possibly life threatening.

In Sterling Archer's book that was a win win win.

"If you want to finish what you started last night get your ass in here otherwise..."

Archer grabbed the bottle of scotch and headed for the bathroom clouds of steam already billowing from the hot shower.

"To think I was going to blow my wad and go to some place like French Polynesia. Thank Christ I listened to That Old Gypsy Woman."