The Return of the (Harem) King!

A/N: Yes. This is back. All I have to say. Woo.

DISCLAIMER: RWBY belongs to Rooster Teeth. Otherwise Blake would be donning triangle shades and shouting 'THAT'S THE WAY TEAM RWBY ROLLS' at the top of her voice every episode.

All mentioned franchises belong to their respective owners.

Previously on Jaune Arc: King of Harem...

"J-Jaune's gone..."

"Sounds like a plan~"

"One that I am...perfectly willing to demonstrate to you."

"M-Misaka?!"

"Let them be punished."
"We're going off to Neverland!"

"NOT ON MY WATCH!"

"Jaune, I'll come for you! I promise!"
"Hah. You weird kids."

Jaune stepped back, instinctively looking for Crocea Mors only to remember that Pyrrha had stolen it to make an altar for him before this whole nonsense started. He stared at Roman as he approached slowly, twirling his cane.

"R-Roman...what are you doing here?"

"Kid," Roman sighed. "I'm not gonna hurt you. Not that I could, anyway."

"Huh?"

"The whole of Vytal's been in chaos since you got yourself kidnapped by a blind girl, the poster child for tsunderes and their pop idol friend." Roman recounted. "Nothing's been right for days."

"You're...not going to hurt me?"

"I need you alive, kid." The rogue tipped his bowler hat to him. "If we're going to fix this, we're going to need to work together."

"What do you mean work together?" Jaune looked at him curiously.

"You don't want an army of girls after you, right?" Roman took out his keys and clicked a button, as a sleek, black sports car sped into the clearing, clearly driverless.

"Come with me if you want to live."
"...you stole that from Terminator!" Jaune complained, before he and Roman heard the oncoming squealing of Jaune fangirls- and some fanboys.

"JAAAAAUNE! WE LOVE YOU!"
"NOTICE ME JAUNE-SEMPAI!"
"MARRY ME!"

"HAVE MY PANCAKE BABIES, WE CAN RULE THE SLOTH WORLD TOGETHER"

His eyes widening in terror, the knight got into the car before Roman did, and they drove off, just as Pyrrha, Ruby and Weiss entered the clearing.

"W-where's Jaune?!" Pyrrha looked around, worried. "I could've sworn I-!"
"Pfft. Everyone knows I'm Jaune's waifu!" Ruby interjected. "I'm more adorably awkward with him anyway..."

"Y-you morons." Weiss grumbled. "I-I'm only following him because y-you idiots dragged me into this..." She blushed, crossing her arms. "...I-it's not like I love him or anything..."

Misaka then ambled into the clearing, looking around and glaring at Pyrrha.

"Where's the Arc boy?" She asked, her hand sparking with electricity. "I-I want to have a duel with him!"
"Hey!" Yang yelled, joining her friends. "Weiss is the tsundere around here! Go back to your own series, stupid!"

"I-I'm not a tsundere, you moron!" Misaka and Weiss snapped in unison, before staring at each other.

Pyrrha smiled sweetly at the esper.

"...you WILL leave Jaune Arc to me, Mikoto Misaka. He's ours. We as a harem have decided that since none of us can have him alone, we will all just have to share his manhood."

"And if I don't?" Misaka responded, raring for a fight.

Pyrrha cleared her throat and stared deeply into her eyes, before going over to her and whispering something into her ear.

Misaka blushed profusely and leapt back from the spearmaiden, shaking her head.

"N-no...no no NO!" The girl ran away, shaking her head and covering her ears.

Weiss stared at her friend. "W-what did you tell her?!"

"I told her about the weird yaoi about Touma and Accelerator that's going around." The spearmaiden said, shrugging. "Nothing works better than that.

Now, if you excuse us, we have to find Jaune!"

"So, let me get this straight." Roman inquired, driving through the chaos of Vale's streets as fangirls fought the remaining sane population of the city in an attempt to find Jaune. "Your Semblance...is to attract girls?"

"And some guys." Jaune said, shaking his head. "I don't know if it's controllable.

"It's probably some long forgotten Semblance legacy from some ancient background, like in all those crappy stories..." Roman muttered irritably. "And I know just the guy to take you to figure that out."
"Who?"
"An old...well, I decline to say friend...but...just bear with me." The rogue took a hard left, driving on before stopping in front of an abandoned storefront.

"Come on." Roman opened the door, strolled out with his cane and pushed the store's door open, gazing into the musty books. "Judging by the sounds, we have maybe fifteen minutes before we have to haul ourselves out of here."

Jaune complied, entering the store and shutting the door quickly behind him.

Roman sighed, twirling his cane and looking around, studying a bloodstained copy of The Thief and the Butcher. Jaune studied the abandoned shelves with trepidation, wondering how a shop could be abandoned in the middle of Vale.

The rogue looked up at the abandoned, dusty counter, itself stained with blood.

"...I know you're still around here. We need you."

Suddenly, a ghostly apparition of a tall, muscular puma Faunus appeared, a bullet hole through his chest signifying how he came to be in that state, stood at the counter.

"Oh, not another one of you White Fang assholes." Tukson grumbled irritably. "You've already killed me once!"

Jaune jumped at Tukson's appearance, shaking his head.

"N-no way! A ghost?!"
"Yes. It is I! A dead guy!" Tukson grumbled sarcastically. "I'm the guy they killed for shock value out of nowhere. You know, like Aerith, Isara and Mami, the difference being you actually CARED about them, while I was only around for shock value and to say 'WHITE FANG RACISM BAAAAD'.

Damn you, Monty."
"Tukson, quit ranting about your role in canon, we don't need that right now." Roman waved him off, before gesturing to Jaune. "Listen, Vytal's going mad because this poor shmuck's got a girl-attracting Semblance and we need to figure out how to control it before something else happens."

"Ohohohohoh..." Tukson studied Jaune closely, scrutinising him and rubbing his ghostly chin. "Well."

The ghostly bookkeeper flew into the back of the shop, before returning to the pair, reading through the book.

"Well...there are several suggested cures here." Tukson said, causing Jaune to look up happily.
"What are they?!"

"Firstly, neuter yourself and become a hermit in the mountains. Your Semblance would still exist, but hey, at least they can't ravish you, eh?"

Jaune cringed, shaking his head. "...what's the next one?"
"Fall on your sword and kill yourself."

Roman rolled his eyes. "Can we find a cure that doesn't involve mutilating the poor guy? Even I don't want to screw him over, and I'm a bad guy!"

"I suppose there's one more..."Tukson responded, studying the book. "...you could...use Dust to neutralise the Semblance.

It's unlikely to work, probably might get you blown up, but it's something."

Roman stared at him. "You're saying there's a way?"
"I'm saying it's possible, but you're going to need some-" Tukson was interrupted by a banging on the door. Jaune froze.

"I-it's them, isn't it?"

His fears were confirmed by Pyrrha kicking down the door, staring at Jaune, concerned.

"J-Jaune-kun..." The spearmaiden whispered as she stalked towards his trembling form. "I-I've...missed you..."

"Hasta la vista."

Pyrrha finally noticed Roman. "Huh-"

With a quick movement, Roman whipped out his cane and shot it at Pyrrha, blasting her out of the door with a yelp.

"PYRRHA!"

"Don't worry, she's fine!" The rogue said, waving it off. "She's got plot armor, she'll live. Let's get out of here! Through the back!"

"What about me?" Tukson looked at them as they ran into the back.

"You're fine, you're already dead."

"DAMN IT MONTY WHY" Tukson then vanished back into the ether, hoping to spare himself the nonsense.

Moments later, Nora, Ruby and Weiss bust in, with Nora helping Pyrrha up.

"Where's Jaune?" Ruby looked around.

"He ran away..." Pyrrha responded, pouting. "I-I just want to protect him from everything..."

"Why are you pursuing him so hard anyway?" Weiss questioned her. "You ever stop to think that maybe just asking him out might work? N-not that I care about him...o-or anything."

"Not important." Pyrrha shook her off, shaking her head for a moment. "Let's just find him."

With that, she ran into the back of the store, drawing her spear as she did so.

Ruby looked at her concernedly as she ran away.

"Pyrrha?"

She didn't answer.

Ruby sighed. "Dammit Pyrrha..."
"What were you going to say?"

"I was going to ask her where she put the last pack of cookies..." The reaper mumbled. "I'm hungry..."

Roman pulled Jaune's head down, watching a flock of fangirls go past, raising effigies of the knight above their heads and chanting his name.

"Dammit...you'll need a lot of Dust. And I know exactly where to get it." The rogue muttered, looking around for somewhere to escape into.

"Roman, why're you helping me, anyway?" Jaune inquired, curious. "I mean, I know it's to get order back...but...wouldn't it be easier for you just to kill me?"
"To tell you the truth, kid, I could. I could just blow your head off with Melodic Cudgel here and be done with it." Roman stated, shrugging. "But, y'know, I'm trying to be a nice guy now."

"Really?"

"Ever since old Cinder started being obsessed with you, crime kinda got boring. So I left." Roman said, shrugging. "Started trying to act nice. Didn't really work, but ya know...

...did you actually believe me? Heh, Elf just needs a guy who isn't being glomped for remotely smelling like you to help you."

"Hah...right." The knight chuckled briefly, before Roman pulled out a cellphone.

"Right...let's see if she'll pick up..." He punched in a number briefly, before putting it up to his ear.

"Yeah. Melanie, hello? You're gonna need to come to us here. I have Jaune with me.

Yes, I need a ride. How long?"
"Right now, boss." Melanie waved at them as she drove towards them in a shiny, red-coated Schnee Motors Edelweiss sports car, replete with the Schnee company logo on the front grill, tinted windows and various trademarks of Schnee manufacturing.

Roman sighed in relief. "Good. I was wondering when you'd get here."

"The warehouse, right?"

Jaune looked up at him. "The warehouse?"
"The biggest store of Dust short of Schnee warehouses. I'm pretty sure it's abandoned. Melanie, you're pretty good with Dust crap, right?"
"Uh...yeah?"

The rogue looked towards Jaune.

"We need you to neutralise his Semblance or something like that."

"Neutralise a Semblance with Dust?" The girl rubbed her chin. "...didn't we use to do that to-"
"He doesn't need to know that!"

The knight's eyes widened. "W-what are you talking about?"
"Eh, just hop in the back." Melanie thumbed her way towards the back. "We'll stop this madness soon enough."

With that, the trio drove towards the warehouse through the chaos in Vale.

Meanwhile...

Glynda looked down at a picture of Jaune, studying it quietly in her office as she awaited the results of the search.

"We will need to talk, Arc..." She muttered to herself, before Pyrrha and the rest of the group appeared. The instructor instantaneously stood up and looked over at her students.

"Well, did you find him?"
"No, but we have a clue to where he went." Pyrrha stated.

"Roman took him!" Nora chirped. "Don't worry, I'll break his knees for you, if you want!"

"As much as I would like to, that would not be a logical response." Glynda adjusted her glasses. "We must mount a search party. Do you know where they might have gone, Miss Nikos?"

"No."
Weiss rubbed her chin. "The book on the counter said something about Dust and neutralisation of Semblances..."
"...he will most likely head to the warehouse in North Vale, the one we've been keeping tabs on." The instructor concluded, tapping several things on her scroll.

"Very well, take a Bullhead there. With any luck, you will reach it before Roman can."

"Thank you, Professor Goodwitch." The spearmaiden bowed to her and stepped out quickly.

"Permission to break Roman's knees for kidnapping our Jaune?"

Glynda adjusted her glasses.

"Permission granted."

Meanwhile, at the warehouse...

Roman opened the warehouse doors, sighing while peering into the darkness.

"Aaaalllright. What's going on here?"

"Huh?" Jaune looked into the warehouse. "What's...wait, it's empty!"
"That's what I'm asking. Where's our Dust?!"

"Very simply, we stole it."

The lights switched on to reveal Kyoko Sakura and Sayaka Miki, leaning on two empty boxes of Dust, in Puella Magi form with weapons drawn.

Roman sighed irritably. "Aaaahhhh crap. The hell are you idiots doing here? Go back to your own series or something, dammit."

"Hey, we heard Misaka and Tohsaka wanted a piece of him," Kyoko pointed towards the knight, who was currently standing behind Roman. "I can see why.

He's pretty damn cute- not too shabby in the head, too.

Now, if you excuse us, we'll be taking him off your hands now, okay?"
"...kid, get running." Roman drew Melodic Cudgel, while Kyoko drew her spear. Jaune took that opportunity to flee the scene.

"Hey." Kyoko tipped her head towards Sayaka. "Follow him for me, will ya?"
"On it!" The blue Puella Magi drew her sword and ran out of a side door, leaving her partner to fight the rogue.

"Ya know, I'm pretty fast and a lot stronger than you'll ever be." Kyoko boasted. "Why don't ya just give-"

She was interrupted by a blast from Melodic Cudgel hitting her chest dead on, knocking her back and forcing her spear from her hand. Her magic managed to resist the blow, but it still stung, and the girl clutched her stomach as Roman advanced upon her.

"...I'm not one for speeches, big red." Roman readied another shot. "To complete the Terminator references...

You will be terminated."

Kyoko wiped her mouth, glaring at him before smirking. With a single deft movement of her foot, she kicked Roman back, tipping the spear back into her hand and pointing it at him.

She grinned.

"Bring it."

Jaune continued running, picking up a branch on the way to use as a weapon. While nowhere near as effective as any other weapon, or even Crocea Mors, it was better than nothing.

He ducked as a sword flew past his head, knowing full well Sayaka was following him.

"Dammit! First my classmates, then those three, then the freaking Raligun of Academy City, then a bunch of Puella Magi?!" Jaune complained. "Now I know how Touma feels...

Fukou da indeed..."

"Hey! Come back!" Sayaka called after him, still hurling swords at him. "I promise I won't hurt you!"

"No! You're just like all the other girls!"

"True, but are those other girls magical girls?"

"...yes, now go away!"
"Dammit!" Sayaka cursed. "I was hoping that would work like it did in the game with Kyousuke..."

Suddenly, the warehouse exploded behind her, debris flying everywhere, forcing Sayaka to duck as a chunk of concrete flew towards her- making it land harmlessly behind her.

She turned back, shocked.

"KYOKO!"

Kyoko stumbled out of the flames, carrying an unconscious Roman. She stared over at her partner.

"Ugh, don't worry about me, just get the boy!"

"G-got it!"

Little did they know that Jaune was to end up being a victim of the most irritating plot device known to man- the Diabolus Ex Machina, or the 'Devil out of the Machine'.

In the form of an impossibly large cliff which he was to run off of.

"AHHHHH!" The knight screamed as he fell, shaking his head and-

"Ugh..." Jaune woke up in what appeared to be nothing but fog, rubbing his eyes groggily as he pulled himself up.

"Ugh...wait...I just...oh COME ON!" The knight cried. "I'm dead? Why am I dead?!"

"You were fated to be reborn as a legend, Jaune Arc." A black, hooded figure approached him.

Jaune stumbled back from it.

"Ah! Who are you?!"
"I...am Death, of course." Death, of course, revealed their true visage as a large-chested, black-haired, impossibly pale woman with red eyes and a scythe.

And, to Jaune's horror, a large 'Member of the Jaune Fanclub' pin on her robes.

"And I just...I just didn't want you to become a legend, you know?" Death confessed, frowning and caressing Jaune's chin slowly.

"Besides...here, nobody else but me. And I want you to be mine...forever..."
"COME ON!" Jaune complained. "This is getting silly! Pyrrha wants me, Nora wants me, Weiss wants me, freaking Misaka and Kyoko want me, and now DEATH wants me!

Who ELSE?!"

"Oh, Mother Earth wants you too, as does the Queen of the Grimm." Death waved them off. "But more than that...I want you."

She hugged Jaune tightly, rubbing his face into her considerable chest.

"Stay with me, please. It's really lonely in the afterlife, with only Tukson for company..."
"I wouldn't be here if it wasn't for the fact I was a stinking sacrificial lamb..." Tukson muttered off in the distance, still bitter about being killed off in canon.

Jaune sighed mentally.

'Well...there could be worse fates...being stuck in the afterlife with a beautiful woman who loves you, by all accounts, isn't that bad.'

Death smiled.

"Very well then. Shall we seal it with...a kiss?"

"A...kiss?" Jaune looked around, blushing. "Um...I never really...err...kissed anyone myself before...I always got kissed, but..."

"Oh, it's really simple. You do-"

"NOT SO FAST"

Death jumped back from Jaune.

"W-what the..."

A heavenly light dropped down upon Jaune.

"IT IS NOT YOUR TIME, JAUNE ARC. YOUR DESTINY APPROACHES."

"So what?" Jaune yelled. "I don't WANT to fulfil my destiny! I'm going to stay here, where there's at least only ONE girl trying to get into my pants!"

"YOUR DESTINY IS TO UNITE WORLDS AS THE KING OF HAREM. IT SHALL BEGIN NOW."

"Wait, wha-"

And Jaune was ascended into a nothingness full of nothing but bright light, with the protesting cries of the Grim Reaper nothing but a distant memory.

Images of various teenagers- and one man- sailed past his head.

"THESE IMAGES ARE OF THE HAREM KINGS OF TIMES PAST. RANMA SAOTOME. TENCHI MASAKI. ICHIKA ORIMURA. MINATO ARISATO.

THEY ONCE HELD THE THRONE OF HAREM KING, JAUNE ARC. AND NOW IT IS YOUR TURN."

"...b-but why?"

"THE UNIVERSE NEEDS A HAREM KING. WITHOUT IT, IT SHALL COLLAPSE UNDER THE WEIGHT OF A THOUSAND HAREMS DESPERATELY LOOKING FOR ONE.

AS WE SPEAK, THE FRUSTRATION OF THESE GIRLS IS MANIFESTING INTO AN ABOMINATION THAT WILL GLADLY REND APART WORLDS.

AS THE HAREM KING, YOU COULD STAND TO STOP IT. WILL YOU, JAUNE ARC?"

Jaune sighed.

"I guess...there's no escaping my misfortune, is there?

Fine. I, Jaune Arc, will become the King of Harem."

And divine light embraced him as he rose from the nothingness, back to the material world, ready to fight the biggest fight of his life, both of his former as Jaune Arc, and his new life as the Harem King.

END

A/N: TITLE DROP! Didn't expect the update, did ya?

So, I hope you enjoyed that, leave your ideas, suggestions, comments, reviews, criticisms and thoughts and I hope you have a GREAT day! Until next time!