The following is an unofficial adaptation of a fan-based parody. Neither Team Four Star nor Kouta Hirano have had any involvement with or knowledge of this work. I am making no profit in any way from this adaptation.

In addition, due to this being a fanfiction, I sought out a way to make this work unique and worth reading without changing the scenes and dialogue shown in Hellsing Ultimate Abridged. The solution that presented itself to me was Alternative Character Interpretation.

I truly do hope this tale amuses you.

Beta Bitch be Izzietheravenclaw83. Beta for chapters 1,2,3 and soon to be 4. If you have time in your lives, check her stuff out (totally not her writing this).

~ITRC83

I am so sorry for her disrespectful disposition.

X

As experienced by the Snark Lord Alucard

"Vampire king."

Where am I? Why does everything hurt? And where have I heard this voice before?

"You lay upon ze blood-soaked dirt of your ruined land."

Honest Abe?

"Castles plundered. Dominions in ruin. Servants destroyed. All to end ze hellfire vith vich you sought to cover ze world."

That son of a bitch is wearing my coat... oh wait, he had it first. Right.

"A bloody conquest having consumed hundreds of sousands, countless villages razed to ze ground, and over twenty sousand impaled and prostrated by you and you alone, to strike horror into the hearts of mortal men!"

"Vat say you, monster, demon, devil conceived by the bleakest womb!? Vat say you NOW!?"

"...The Aristocrats."

Abraham doesn't seem to like that answer.

And that's when the dream always ends, just like that. But now... I feel like I've forgotten something important...

Right.

"Oh God."

Just before I stand, I realize aloud, "It's Orientation Day!"

X

As experienced by the mercenary Pip Bernadotte

"You've all been subcontracted as personal bodyguards to the Hellsing Organisation. As you may have heard, we deal with special-interest targets. Terrorists, cultists, and individuals who believe themselves to be of..." the blonde boss-lady laughs briefly, "...a mystical persuasion."

There isn't a guy in the room who doesn't laugh his ass off at that one, not counting myself. It's my job to take it all seriously, but even I chuckle a bit. "...Well, is zere anysing else we should be informed about ze facility?"

"Everything you need to know has already been covered in the briefing."

Which is great. No jumpscares, traps or unpleasant surprises of any sor-

"Hey kids wanna see a dead body!?"

GAHWHATTHEF-

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-"

X

As experienced by the Snark Lord Alucard

"-AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-"

"Stop screaming!" Integra screams.

Heh.

"So, what's up with the pride meeting?"

"They're a mercenery group contracted to replace all the soldiers we lost in the Valentine brot-"

To a troll with several hundred years of experience, even the simple act of interrupting someone can be made into a subtle artwork. In this case, I chose to let the boss get close to the end of her sentence, and let her get her hopes up that I would behave this one time.

You'd think she would've learned by now.

"Wait, are these guys French?"

"...We were forced to post mortality rates," Integra grumbles. "They're the only ones who applied."

"We are really scraping the bottom of the barrel here..."

The apparent leader of these mercs glares at me, like he doesn't even realize I'm a fuckmothering vampire. It's actually kind of adorable, in a pathetic way. I give him a week before he gets killed.

Walter should be catching up with me any second now...

"Sir Integra!" Right on cue. "I apologize, I tried to stop him..." Tried valiantly, actually, and yet failed miserably. Poor bastard's memory must finally be going if he forgot that I can walk through walls.

And now that McDoesntexist got himself killed last week, there's literally no one on Earth who can get in my way.

"But when I pleaded with him, he merely responded with, and mind my French..." he pauses, then turns to the girlyman leading this merc team and adds, "...No offense..."

"Some taken," Frenchy interjects with an amused grin.

"Fuck the police. He then proceeeded to tilt every painting he passed on the way here."

Cue the evillest giggling fit I've ever fallen into in my entire life.

"Oh God," Integra sighs loudly. "Walking through that hallway is going to give me such a headache now."

And now that I know her weak point, I will strike it relentlessly for massive damage.

"Speaking of headaches-"

...Seras, did you see that?

O.O

Jeez, Walter might not be quite right in the head at his age, but he's as fast as he was in the '40s. That letter came out of nowhere like Plot no Jutsu.

"-a very curious letter arrived for you in the mail."

Integra looks at that letter, and...

Dear God. She's actually more pissed than I could ever make her.

"Enrico Maxwell!? That filthy, slimy, arrogant ITALIAN PIECE OF SH-"

I have a rival, and I must vanquish him like Gary motherfucking Oak.

X

"Maxwell, oh it's been far too long."

...Huh?

"I agree. You're no longer that little girl I used to know." So she knew this guy as a kid, huh? White hair, purple eyes, glasses, Italian accent... nope, don't recognize him. Weird. "Look at all those lines on your face."

Hm... not a bad first shot there, Ezio.

"And look at all the brown on your nose! How is the Pope doing?"

Wow. That was pretty good, boss.

"Better than your failing Church." Oh, he's slipping up a bit now. That one was weak.

"Well, not all of us can exploit illegals."

"But you don't waste time making money off Rupert Murdoch!"

Okay, now I have to step in. This is the guy that can make Integra angrier than I've ever seen? I expected Aizen-level trolling, and I am sorely disappointed. Let's see how he handles a few shots from me...

"Honestly, if you're going to have a dickfighting competition with a woman, you must've started off with the world's cruelest handicap." This as I emerge from my hiding spot within a nearby wall. Integra seems surprised to see me. I can't really fathom why. "Which I'm sure benefits the nine-year-old boy you have chained up in your private Vatican jet."

Oh? What's this? Did I just strike a nerve? He seems pretty upset by that jab... either he actually is a pedophile, or he really hates them. Let's find out which one...

"Which was paid for how? Oh right. Generous donations from your followers to spread the word of God. All over his back."

A critical hit! It's super effective!

And judging from his reaction, it seems my latter theory was correct. Further experimentation is needed...

Ezio crushes his glasses... doesn't he need those?

"ANDERSOOOOON!" It's right about now that I realize my first trolling salvo has been tragically cut short by one Reference McUnoriginal and the entrance music he stole from Sheamus.

Typical.

"Serve the Lord with fear and rejoice with trembling!" Channeling his inner Wolverine, Reference has four bayonets stuffed into his left fist and that cannot be comfortable, let alone effective. But whatever.

"You brought me a present!?" This is addressed to Ezio, of course. I almost feel bad about calling him a pedophile now.

No you don't.

No I don't. I really don't.

"Kiss the Son lest He be angry, and ye perish from the way, when His wrath is kindled but a little!" So let's see. Swords are normally the weapon of choice in anime over guns, but he's using bayonets, not quite swords, and I'm using hand-cannons, not just guns. Plus this is an abridged anime. So... who wins here?

"Right this way, Group B!"

wat

"That's right, right in front of everyone else! You're eighty; you're used to it! We're going to look at art and paintings, which I believe are also art! I dunno, I'm Cockney, I'm uncultured!"

"...Uh, well, my boner's gone." Seras, that art style isn't flattering you at all.

Huh? Art style?

So she can't break the fourth wall like I can. Interesting.

"Aye, kind of a mood-killer," Reference agrees.

I'll have to sort him out some other time. Doing it now wouldn't be any fun. "Wanna try this again some other time?"

"Of course," he replies cheerily. "Kill ye later, ye monstrous heathen." His bayonets go snikt as they slide back up his sleeves.

"You too, ya Catholic sociopath. Whoops, tautology!"

In case you're wondering, a tautology is a grammatically incorrect use of redundant words in the structure of a sentence. In this case, calling a Catholic a sociopath is redundant, therefore I've made a grammar error. Therefore, whoops, tautology.

Ezio speaks up, inadvertently reminding me that he exists. "...You want some coffee?" he offers hesitantly.

Integra replies with a cheery smile, "I'd love some."

Oh.

OH.

That explains why she's so pissed at him even though his trolling pales in comparison to mine. I know from experience that she's a tsundere. And there's one person who can always piss off a tsundere more than anyone else she knows. You get three guesses who, and the first two don't count.

Seras, follow them. We need to weaponize this.

Of course, Master.

X

As experienced by the Draculina Seras Victoria, formerly a Police Girl

"So, the letter you sent never specified the purpose of this meeting..."

"Consider this a business transaction." Ezio... I mean Enrico, dammit Master... seems a bit jittery. Sort of... excited about something.

What about Integra?

"I have two pieces of information that I wish to trade with you."

No over-the-top blushing, she's making eye contact, and she's not putting on an overly angry face. She just looks annoyed, like usual.

Hm... It could have been a false alarm, but if not... muhuhahahaha. Keep an eye on them.

"And what would those be?" she's definitely glaring at him, though. Master was right about that much.

"The true identity of Millennium."

"...Who?"

"The organization who assailed your compound," Ez-Enrico taps out a quick beat on his briefcase impatiently.

THAT has my attention. I can all but feel Master leaning forward with a grin, even though he's still back in said compound. Millennium, hm? Sounds vaguely familiar...

"Oh yeah, there was some debate over that," Integra muses.

"And the whereabouts of said Millennium."

Pay. Close. Attention.

"And what could you possibly want in exchange?" Integra asks warily.

"Oh, nothing major. Just two simple apologies, from you and your subordinate, known as the Crimson Fucker!"

...Master?

Wait for it.

Seeing the blank, unimpressed look Integra is throwing his way, Enrico adds, "Also known as Alucard."

Ah.

"...So you want an apology from me?"

"I figured, but didn't want to assume."

Ha. Because he knows he'll never get an apology out of me.

Don't explain the joke, Master.

"And, by chance, what would I have to apologize to the Iscariot Organizaton for?"

"Well, originally I'd ask you to apologize for being a scumsucking, blaspheming, ignorant Protestant pigsow... but in this case, the sins of your pet vampire are of greater concern."

"What did he do this time?" her voice raises angrily...

Heh.

What?

He called you her 'pet vampire.' I just pictured her stroking a little chibi Master like a Bond villain.

...Okay, that's pretty funny, but focus.

EzEnrico pulls a black book from his briefcase. "Over the last couple of years, he has sent no less than two hundred-" he drops the book on the table, "-death threats to the Pope. By carrier pigeon, no less! They just... fly right into the Vatican!"

Very nice, Master.

Why, thank you.

"The latest one read as such: Dear Chief Replacement..."

...I wanted to send you this friendly little letter to inform you of your imminent demise. If you're curious about the frequency of which I've sent these letters, it is merely to instill as much fear as I can. As if basting a turkey. Which I will then proceed to have sex with. That's right. I'm going to FUCK the fear turkey. Follow me on Twitter TheCrimsonFuckr!

"...Sincerely, Alucard."

You memorized that whole letter?

I memorized all two hundred. I intend to recite them all, word for word, before killing him. Especially since I've just gotten confirmation that Iscariot has been intercepting the letters.

"I can't help but ponder the frightful headway he'd make if he'd put that sort of energy into his job..."

"So, that apology...?"

Integra sighs. "I'm s-"

And then she turns to look right at me, and I realize I'm giggling at her out loud while hiding inside a nearby bush.

OH SH-

SERAS RUN LIKE A MOTHERFUCKER-

X

As experienced by Sir Integra Fairbrook Wingates Hellsing

"So that's where they are."

I haven't so much as glimpsed the Police Girl since I... we returned to the Hellsing compound. I haven't seen her since I caught her spying on Maxwell and myself. What he hoped to get out of this, I have no idea, but I'm sure that this was Alucard's doing. I just need to figure out whether he roped her into this one idiotic plan, or if she's actively following his orders at all times.

"Interesting. But do you think Alucard will go?"

Well, at least I know I can trust Walter. I'll need to rely on him to sort out this mess. "Not as long as it's an order."

"I think I have an idea," he grins.

X

As experienced by Jeeves

"Did you know you have vacation days?"

"I have vacation days!?" The grin he throws at me is downright horrifying, but I've had decades to build up an immunity to this insanity. "You mean I can leave anytime I want and not get yelled at over the phone? Because seriously, it's always over the phone. Mostly because I don't like to argue with her in person. When I get a boner, it's super awkward."

"Quite."

"Well that settles it; I'm going traveling!"

"Yes, you can go anywhere you wish... Except for Brazil. Sir Integra was quite insistent that you never visit Brazil."

"..."

"..."

"...Takingthepolicegirlandthefrenchman!"

X

As experienced by the Snark Lord Alucard

Oh, this is getting good, really good. Integra's definitely suspicious of us, and she's already trying to trick us into confirming that Seras is working for me. Once we get to Brazil, she'll have no way to watch over us, but this plane itself is laced with audio bugs and hidden cameras. If I hadn't spotted them... well, actually, we do all our plotting telepathically, so she still wouldn't have caught us. But since I did spot them, my sidekick is currently stuffed into a coffin in the cargo hold.

"...So, where is ze Police Girl?"

"Aw, y'know, she's downstairs."

"...Isn't zat ze cargo hold?"

That's your cue.

"I HAVE A FEAR OF FLYING, COFFINS AND TIGHT PLACES~!" she sobs at a ludicrous volume.

Nicely done.

Thanks. Did he hear it?

Yep. Glancing out the window, I spot O Cristo Redentor. We're here.

"JESUS WANTS A HUG~!"

X

"There we are. A regular two-bedroom."

"Hilarious. No, I want the penthouse."

"I'm... sorry sir; Mr. Chevy Chase currently has that room reserved."

Unacceptable. I cannot reenact The Hangover in its entirety without a penthouse suite. Come to think of it, I only brought Seras and Frenchy with me. We need a fourth character to serve as a MacGuffin... meh, I'll figure something out.

"I said... you want to give me the penthouse."

"I... want to give you the penthouse."

"And you want to kick out Chevy Chase because he's an asshole."

"And I want to kick out Chevy Chase because he's an asshole."

"See this, Frenchy? I can make him say whatever I want. White Chicks was amazing."

"White Chicks was amazing..."

"He believes it too."

"EUGH."

X

"Scarlet Tampon to Sticky Sock. The Crimson Fucker has checked in. I repeat, the Crimson Fucker has checked in. Also, I'm choosing the goddamn nicknames next time."

Judging from the accent, this guy who's stalking me isn't English, so he isn't with Hellsing. He also, disappointingly, doesn't sound like any Nazi I've ever met. He might be with Iscariot, or maybe a local. Neither of them have any reason to be wary of me more than usual right now, but this guy knows my chosen alias. That means he either follows me on Twitter, and is therefore a local fanboy, or he's involved with my death threats to the Pope and is therefore an Iscariot agent.

Hm...

"So..."

Oh right, I was in the middle of trying to get Frenchy out of the penthouse, hopefully before he remembers that Seras is still locked up in my coffin... in case you're wondering, I had to hypnotize like two dozen people to get it up here, but whatever.

"...if zis doesn't sound weird, would you maybe like to get a drink later? Hit up a club?"

Well, that takes some balls. This guy isn't stupid; he knows my preferred beverage is human blood, which is most often found in the circulatory system of living humans like himself, where it is still warm and fresh and exceptionally thirst-quenching... but I'm getting sort of impatient here.

"You're not my friend; you're my bodyguard. Make it past two weeks, I might learn your name. Until then, you're spare blood."

"Jeez, fine," he turns to leave, and I recall something else of importance.

"Also, tell that guy to stop spying on me, it's creepy!"

"Shitshitshit!" Scarlet Tampon scurries away ingloriously.

"Now that I'm all by myself, I can just kick back and reeeel-"

At my command, the door slams shut and conveniently locks itself for me.

"Nope."

You can come out now, Seras.

Um... does this thing even open from the inside?

It only opens from the inside, actually. No one can open it and tamper with it, and I have to use my shadow powers to open it from the outside.

The lid of the black coffin, neatly aligned with the outer wall of the penthouse suite, pops open with a click. She sits up and stretches, clearly uncomfortable. Thanks. So, we can talk in here, right?

"I've already checked for bugs, but honestly, there's no way Integra could've put any here. The ones on the plane were the best she could do."

Seras sighs loudly in relief. "Nice." she stands up and stretches one leg after the other. "So, we haven't really gotten a chance to talk about what happened with Integra. I'm sorry I got caught, Master."

I chuckle, just briefly. I'm in Plotting Mode right now, you see. Many of my grander acts of wondrous trolling require careful planning, and as an immortal vampire I've had centuries to perfect my craft. "It's fine; we can work with this. Seras, what's Rule Number One?"

"'We can get away with anything as long as we're smart enough.'" She takes a seat on the couch, while I move to peek through the almost-shut curtains at Rio's skyline. "I still think that's a bit of an exaggeration, Master, I mean, shouldn't it be 'as long as we're smart enough and have awesome vampire powers?'"

"Absolutely not. The awesome vampire powers just give us a broader range of options, and allow us to execute more fun plans..."

I turn, and reveal my glowing-glasses-and-teeth grin. "Now then. No matter what, remember that your mission wasn't a failure. Even though we have no concrete evidence that Integra and Ezio are mutually tsundere, we did gain useful information from it. And even though you were caught, Integra still has no concrete evidence that you're my sidekick."

"Sidekick?"

"Would you prefer partner, or accomplice, or apprentice?"

"Partner sounds sort of nice."

"Partner it is. As I was saying..." here my grin broadens, "...we're going to turn this situation into what's called a Xanatos Gambit. It means we're going to create a plan so perfect that every possible outcome is good for us."

Seras leans forward with wide eyes. I really do love that she's so eager to learn. One day, I believe she'll be as good at this as I am; she certainly has the drive for it.

"The first step of our plan was pretty much just served to us on a silver platter with a nice Chianti," I go on. "Someone is watching us from outside the suite, and he's definitely not with Hellsing. I believe he's either with Iscariot, or Millennium itself. And since we know Iscariot has intel on Millenium, we may well be able to get information on them from this agent, no matter who he's with."

"How are we gonna do that? Get information from him, I mean. Are we gonna torture him? Bribe him? Hit him with that hypno-vision thing you used on the front desk guy?"

"I'm gonna read his mind, by drinking all of his blood."

"You can do that!?"

"We, Seras. We can do that. And soon, you might just get a chance to really play with your own abilities as a Draculina. No one from Hellsing is watching us here, which means no one will see that I've been teaching you and live to talk about it... All we have to do is wait for our opponents here to make a move."

X

"Shots fired from the penthouse suite on the top floor. The initial SWAT team has not reported back, leading officials to fear for the worst. The terrorist duo inside is comprised of a young British woman, and some Ozzy Osbourne-looking motherfucker."

X

My phone rings, with absolutely perfect timing. We were thinking about heading out of the hotel room and laying waste to whoever sent us this tasty assortment of mooks, but as we haven't yet left the penthouse, Integra hasn't interrupted our killing spree. Thus, perfect timing. "Hold on a moment, I gotta take this. Yello~?"

"What, did you do?"

"Alright... But you can't be mad at me."

"What, did you do?"

"Okay first... I was minding my own business."

"Bullshit!"

"I was!"

"And exactly what happened whilst you were 'minding your own business?'"

Here we go. "So I was just chillaxin' in my room like a baller, and all of a sudden these schmucks kick in my door! One of them yelled out," here I do my best impression of the guy's very not Brazilian accent, "'Get on your knees!' And I responded with, 'I'M NOT YOUR MOTHER LAST NIGHT!' And they took exception to that... But, you know how that song and dance goes, and I killed all but one of them."

"...What happened to the last one?"

"Pussed out like a BITCH! Silver lining? I can cancel my room service!"

Shit. Now I've got the munchies.

X

Elsewhere

"...So, we've sent like ten guys up there and we haven't heard back. You think everything's alright?"

"Naturalmente, don' worry about it, of course everything's fine!"

"Well... no matter what, we're still gonna get our immortality, right?"

"Buddy, my friend, do I look like the kinda guy who would go back on an agreement?"

...

"By the way, you may want to send more men."

"Well, that sounds reasonable."

X

Back to Alucard

Om nom nom. "You've been like, really quiet for like, five minutes..." Nom. "Oh I know why you're angry! It's because I went to Brazil, isn't it?"

"...Alucard, put the Police Girl on the phone."

"Really? You want to talk to... okay, bye, whatever." I lay my hand over the mic to muffle it. "Seras, she wants to talk to you. Be careful not to let anything slip, and if you get a chance, tell her I'm going for a walk."

Right. Why'd you say that out loud though?

Integra has to have heard me say something, to believe I told you I was going for a walk. But I muffled it so she didn't hear what I actually said.

Clever. "...'Ello?"

"Whatever you do, do not let Alucard leave that room under any circumstance!"

"Actually, he just left." She hasn't learned my signature evil grin, but that sadistic red glow in her eyes and that Aizen-esque smirk make for a nice start. "He said he was going for a walk-"

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

And that's my cue... It's showtime.

"Hey guys; how's your health plan?" After staring for a few seconds in open-mouthed horror, the mooks outside the penthouse open fire. "APPARENTLY IT'S GREAT!"

By my count, I gun down six before the others get to the elevator, but it's not like they can outrun me. And of course, I can hypno-vision one of them into politely holding the door open for me, which is convenient. There were another ten there... plus the six I just threw out the lobby windows and impaled like the good old days, and the first ten that invaded the penthouse, that's thirty-two dead so far.

Jeez, am I losing my edge? Back in Romania I used to kill like ten times this many on a good night!

"I heard you know how to make an entrance... If I had known you were going to do all this, I'd have hung some Union Jacks for you."

Hm. He's wearing a long coat, which in this show tends to signify plot relevance. There are exceptions of course; Seras doesn't wear one yet, but still. I've yet to see someone wearing a long coat in this show who didn't matter. His is rather short, so he's not quite a redshirt, but he's definitely not a recurring major villain either... "Hold on. Did you put all this on for me? Who are you?"

"I am Tubalcain Alhambra," he announces with a bow, "Or the Dandy Man. I may or may not have fed a lie to the local policia that in return for your capture, I would give them immortality."

Ha! Classic. "And they fuckin' bought that!?"

"Like discount peixe."

"You cheeky dickwaffle!" Not bad, but I'm pretty sure he's an actual member of Millennium at this point, so I'd better move this along. "So then, what's the deal?"

"A cute choice of words..." He holds up an ace of spades. "I wish to play a card game, vampiro."

Nice try, but you're in the wrong anime. "What, we talking 52 Pickup?"

"No... more like 52 Cutup!"

Wow, I've never seen someone shuffle cards and make it look quite that cool. Maybe he's in the right anime after all. On the other hand, it's not like I'm gonna let him...

"Hit me~! Whoop-" He tries again, and it's a good try, honest. I dodge a few more, and then I realize he's killing cops and blowing shit up with every miss. I want in on that fun, so I return fire and 'accidentally' miss him, killing two more cops. Once I kill this guy, it'll bring my count for the night up to thirty-five. It's a nice, even number.

No it's not.

I wasn't talking to you.

You weren't talking at all!

I wasn't THINKING to you! Are you in position yet?

Yep. Which means I have nothing better to do than annoy you.

That response makes me stop for a second, just in time to realize I just landed a bullet in my victim's throat, a little too early... oh wait, he's dissolving into playing cards. "So, he can make card clones..." Something explodes behind me, and I decide it's about time I busted out my own ninja technique.

"You activated my trap card," he announces and snaps his fingers.

"Oh boy." So he actually knows he's in the wrong anime; that's new.

'With this technique, users replace their own body with some other object, generally with a block of wood, the moment an attack lands. This creates an optical illusion, making the enemy think the attack was successful...' yadda yadda yadda, reference you don't care about, Kawarimi no Jutsu!

"Hey Dandydick! Ya missed!" With yet another traditional ninja move, the art of walking up a vertical surface with no hands, I run up to Seras' location to spring our devious trap on Dandydick. "WOOPWOOPWOOPWOOPWOOP!"

X

Elsewhere

"Do ya think Alhambra can take him?"

"Calm down man; it's fine. I'm just focused on what I'm gonna do with my immortality..."

"Ha! Joke's on you; I'm getting double immortality... huh?"

"Un. Deux. Trois, quatre, cinq."

"OhnononononoAH!"

"Six, sept..."

Allons enfants de la Patrie, le jour de gloire est arrive!

BOOM

"Now let's see what he thinks about having zat drink with me..."

X

Back to Alucard

"Awgh, I could use a drink right now... not used to seeing this much of my own blood anymore... guy's got magic cards... and magic hands..."

"Tell me Alucard, are you a betting man?"

"I believe that's your shtick."

"I'd like to make a little bet with you, vagabundo... I'll end your life, with one hand."

Ooh, that actually sounds interesting, and I can feel my legs again so I stand. I love being me. "I'll take that bet. Now... hit me with your best shot!"

He throws two cards. Seriously? He used like dozens on me at once before, and this is his best shot? "Oh shame for you... you activated my ALUCARD."

"What!?"

Open fire, Seras.

She does. "GET SUUUUUUM!"

"Que merda!?" Dandydick is less than pleased, and now he's on the defensive, retreating and blocking her shots with magic playing cards. By now he must feel that those things are woefully inadequate, but we're not done yet, oh no.

Now, the Harkonnen!

Right! "Trump this!"

As expected, he has a way to save himself from a direct hit, but also as expected, the explosive Harkonnen shell still goes off and gives me a smokescreen. What we didn't expect was him conveniently calling out to us and giving me his exact location. "I'm getting real tired of this shit!"

"You and me both." He's running out of cards and I'm right behind him, so I take his ass down so epically that the good guys' triumphant theme music from Avatar plays. He's on his last card, I see, so we're just about done. "Now show me your hand... DAAAAAANDYYYYYYY MAAAAAAAAAAN!"

Such ham. Much wow. Amaze.

Let me have my fun. "Hey Dandy Man."

"Eh?"

"You lost."

"Uhuh..."

"And now I have to read your mind."

"...Eh?"

"By drinking all of your blood."

"Uh, ah, AAAAAAAAAH-"

"OM NOM NOM NOM!"

Master? You feeling okay? You look a little spaced out.

...The fuck is this? The fuck is THAT? THE FUCK ARE THOSE!? Oh, okay, found the important memories and...

"Ooooooooh... ohohohoho... hmuhuhuahaha! AHAHAHAHAHA!"

"...Master?"

"Hold on. I need to tweet about this."

X

IT'S NAZIS. #calledit #bitcheslovecannons #fuckmotheringvampire

X

"..."

"Sir Integra, is something the matter?"

"...It's the fucking Nazis."