A/N: Advisory WARNING: References to rape.

Large chunks of Italic = Flashbacks.

Chapter 2: Hellfire and Broken Fences

He knew he shouldn't have let him in. He knew he wouldn't be strong enough to force the illusion silent once he did. But he'd done it because Dean was in trouble and it was his only option.

He hadn't realized that allowing Lucifer into his mind, breaking down the wall he'd spent months building would lock him out of his sanctuary. It had been weeks since he'd last dreamt of Gabriel. Something Lucifer taunted him with when he wasn't screaming at him or singing loudly in his ear keeping him from sleeping.

Sam clung to the memory of the last dream he'd had of the angel. They'd been having a nice comforting dinner. Smiling across from one another and then the yelling had started. So loud and insistent it had hurt his head to listen to it. He'd tried to stay. Tried to fight the pull of the real world. He could hear Gabriel asking if he was alright. Telling him to hold on. That everything would be fine if he just held on. If he stayed. But Lucifer was stronger, and before he knew it he was back in the motel room, eyes wide and red, flames once again dancing around him.

Since then he hadn't been allowed to sleep. Every time he closed his eyes in search of solace, Lucifer would pull him back from the brink. Making sure he never got so much as a glance of Gabriel.

Desperate for some peace, some comfort Sam went looking. Walking. Running away from the haunting hellish shadow, and he'd thought he'd finally found it when he stumbled on a drug deal. He was a fool to think Lucifer would be so easily silenced.

~~~Dreams Are The Salvation Of A Soul~~~

"Sammy I'm here kiddo, you're okay."

Sam's eyes fluttered open to find Gabriel smiling down at him. The angel's fingers combing though his hair soothingly.

"Gabriel?" he whispered hoarsely. His eyes scanning the room. Inhaling sharply when he found himself still in the hospital. "How are you…? You're not real." he shook his head violently; desperate to remove the image.

Gabriel smiled softly. "No."

"This is one of his tricks." Sam groaned turning his head away from the dead archangel toward the fallen one sat on the desk by the door with a wide smirk. The man nodding cheerfully.

He felt Gabriel hand on his cheek. Forcing his face back. "I'm here because you need me Sam. Just like I said I'd be."

Sam continued to shake his head disbelievingly. "You only exist in my dreams. You've never…"

"Your melons a giant bow of mush Kiddo. Reality, dreams, they're all the same to you now. There's no walls' separating them."

"He's right. I hate to admit it but baby bros got some smarts. - He learnt a lot from me."

Gabriel glared across the room at Lucifer. Eyes narrowing dangerously. "No one asked for your opinion, Jackass."

"Ouch, Gabriel that hurts." Lucifer hissed; his hand over his heart. "What happened to the little squirt that idolized me?"

"He found out you were a spoilt brat."

"You're just pissed because I've been usurping your boyfriend's free time." Lucifer grunted; sticking his tongue out childishly.

Sam watched Gabriel roll his eyes and turn back to him. His fingers continuing to card through the tangled long strands of golden brown hair. "Don't listen to him. Concentrate on me."

Sam turned his back on Lucifer and fixed his gaze on the other archangel. "Don't leave me."

Lucifer cooed behind them, adding vomit noises and calling for a bucket. "Seriously, what happened to your pride, Sammy?"

"Don't call him Sammy." Gabriel spat over at the fallen archangel.

Lucifer huffed.

"Sammy." Gabriel whispered with a soft loving smile. "You need to rest."

"I can't. He won't let me." Sam sighed as Lucifer began to sing loudly behind them.

"Focus on me." Gabriel ordered. His palm warm against Sam's face.

"Can't you stop him?" Sam pleaded; tears pooling in his eyes.

"I would if I could Kiddo, but I'm not real remember. Neither of us is. I can't control him anymore than he can control me. If you want him to stop Sam, you're going to have to make him stop."

"I - can't. I'm not strong enough." Sam whispered pathetically.

Gabriel smiled sadly at him; leaning forward to press a kiss to the hunter's head. "I'll stay with you Sam. Just focus on me. Just try to stay with me."

A loud crack of a cherry bomb made Sam jump on the bed. His focus shifting to the fallen archangel. When he turned back Gabriel was gone.

"Whoops." Lucifer chuckled before throwing another bomb. "Guess he was wrong about that, huh?"

~~~Dreams Are The Salvation Of A Soul~~~

"Sammy?" Gabriel whispered beside him.

Sam turned tired red eyes to meet warm amber one. "You're back." he sighed warily.

Gabriel nodded; moving to climb on the bed beside Sam. The hunter shifting over to make room for him. Gabriel draped his hand over Sam's waist and stroked soothing circles into his lower back.

"You just have to hold on Kiddo." he whispered softly. "Dean will be here. He'll find something. - Someone. Just hold on."

Sam shook his head, resigned to his fate.

"You know he'll find something Sammy. He won't let you die. Not like this. You just have to keep fighting. Hold on."

"I don't think I can." Sam whimpered. "I'm so tired Gabriel."

"I know Kiddo." he pressed a kiss to the hunters dried, chapped lips. "Not long now."

Sam sighed, allowing his eyes to drift close. His head falling forward to rest against Gabriel's chest. Inhaling the sugar-sweet scent. "You smell so good."

"Thanks. Wish I could say the same." the archangel teased lightly.

"I always liked the way you smelt. I still smell it sometimes when I'm awake. - Or I'll be in a diner and smell honey and instantly I'll think of you. - Of New York."

"Oh?" Gabriel sighed. His eyes never leaving the wall across from him.

Sam nodded against the angel sternum. "And I taste you sometimes. I'll lick my lips and catch the taste but then I lick again and its gone. - Its confusing."

Gabriel pulled Sam's head up to press their lips together.

"I wish I hadn't been so scared." Sam sighed; his eyes drifting closed once more.

"Scared?" Gabriel frowned; rubbing and squeezing at Sam's neck.

"Of what I was feeling. I really did enjoy kissing you." Sam confessed.

"I know."

"But….you were…."

"A guy." Gabriel finished for him.

"Yeah." Sam nodded again. His eyelids growing heavy. "And I don't like guys….like that."

"But you liked me."

"You weren't a guy when….you were Katherine. Katherine was you."

"Only for a little while. - But even when I was Katherine I was still me Sammy. It's my scent you smell every now and then. It's my taste haunting your lips. It was me you enjoyed kissing and touching. It was me you joked with and trusted. It was me you fell in love with once upon a time. It wasn't her. It wasn't the face or the body, was it?"

Sam inhaled sharply; shaking his head.

"It was what was beneath."

"I wish you'd told me that before."

"You knew Kiddo. You just weren't ready to accept it. - Just like Dean."

Sam closed his eyes finally, a tear rolling down his cheek.

"Sam?"

"Hmmm."

"You can't keep doing this. Its killing you. Sam?"

The hunter opened his eyes slowly. "Hmmm?"

"When this is over. When the leviathans are gone. Find a balance. You need someone Sammy. An anchor in the storm. - You deserve to love Sam. You deserve to be happy after everything we've done to you. - Love the way I loved you."

Sam hummed in agreement as his eyes dropped closed once again. Only to be forced open by the loud music and more cherry bombs. Gabriel gone from his side.

~~~Dreams Are The Salvation Of A Soul~~~

Sam opened his eyes to see the lights passing him by. It took a moment to realize he was moving. Being carted away. He glanced around and saw the orderly that had brought him dinner. What was his name? Sam shook his head unable to remember.

He felt the trolley he was on jolt as he was pushed through a pair of large white doors into a larger white room.

"Where are we?"

"Electro Shock Therapy. Lets get you settled."

Sam looked around the room, panic setting in. He didn't need Electro Shock Therapy. He just needed sleep. He just needed Lucifer to let him sleep.

"Don't be freaked, I've seen this help a lot of people…"

"Hm…uh…my brother…."

"Bite down." the orderly demanded; thrusting a mouth guard past Sam's lips.

Sam struggled. Tried to get free. Tried to get away. Especially when the man's dark eyes turned darker. Black. Demon black.

A familiar voice drew his attention and he fought to speak around the mouth guard. His eyes pleading with Gabriel to help, though he knew the angel couldn't. He wasn't real.

"Just hold on Sam. Hold on to me. Don't let go." Gabriel all but pleaded; moving closer to the trolley. His fingers tangling with Sam's.

When the bolt of electricity shot through his body, Sam's fingers curled tight around Gabriel's. Hold on like he'd been told to, as his brain sparked to life. Burning like the fires he'd escaped from. Images. Memories cascading though his mind. Sam grappled for them. Reaching out for Gabriel once again. Holding on.

~~~Dreams Are The Salvation Of A Soul~~~

New York City, New York. 1997

The motel was just like every other motel he'd been raised in. Tacky and humiliating. Its faded brown wallpaper announcing to everyone the place hadn't been decorated since the seventies. The room itself looked like a bomb had hit it, but that was what came from living with Dean when their father wasn't around. - Which was never. - His brother could keep his rifle spotless but a motel room? Not a chance.

Which was why if he had the choice he'd keep Katherine as far away from the place as possible. Study sessions - which despite what Dean thought actually contained study. - were usually held at the local library. And when they weren't studying they were just hanging out at the local diner or arcade.

But they had a paper due and no where else to go since the library was out of commission for at least another week after some smartass - Katherine insisted wasn't her. - put fifty cherry bombs in the librarian's desk drawer and blew the thing to pieces. Turned out that there had been questionable material in the remains and the place was closed while an investigation took place.

And Katherine didn't want to study at her place. Apparently her parents were super strict and they were kind of butting heads at the moments. At it was impossible to study at the diner. So that left the motel, which meant seeing that pitying look in Katherine's eyes the second she saw the place.

Only it hadn't been there. She'd just strolled into the room, flopped down on the ratty couch and started yanking her books out of her bag, along with a paper bag of candy and Pepsi.

Sam had stood by bemused but thankful. Especially that Dean had skipped out to meet with another of his high school conquests, who the whole school knew was dating Jacob Mallory. Not that he was all that monogamous either, considering the attention he'd been paying to every other girl in school.

Two hours after her arrival, him and Katherine were sat across from one another at the coffee table, pizza and history books between them. Sam's eyes locked on the girl like she was the center of the universe.

"If you don't want to join the family business, then don't. He doesn't own you, Sammy."

"He's my dad. They're my family." Sam insisted instinctively.

Katherine sighed. "And that means they get to control your life?" she shook her head. "You deserve to have a normal life Sam."

"Normal?" Sam frowned nervously.

Katherine's face softened under her warm slightly mischievous smile. "This isn't what a lot of people consider normal." she waved a hand to gesture the large empty motel room they'd been haled up in for the last couple of hours. "You deserve better than this, Kiddo. Get out. I don't want to see it destroy you." her eyes burnt into him. More gold than blue. "Run Sam. Run fast and run far. And never look back."

~~~Dreams Are The Salvation Of A Soul~~~

State College, Pennsylvania. 2006

Sam followed Dean into the large stone building, tugging at his fake electricians' jacket. Taking the steps to the basement area he glanced over at his brother who looked like he was still suffering from last night's Purple….Whatever's. Or maybe it was Starla. Because apparently Dean couldn't wait till they'd actually finished the case to get laid.

He watched Dean knock on the metal cage door with a groan and rolled his eyes. Serves him right. He though. He'd already bitched at his brother the whole way to the college and like usual, Dean had just plain ignored him.

A sound from the cage pulled Sam's attention and he found himself looking down at a much shorter man with a mischievous smile. The guy looked between him and Dean, a honey coloured brow raised.

"Can I help you boys?"

"We're from the electric company; we've been called in to check the wiring in room 314." Sam said lightly. A friendly smile fixed in place as he watched the janitor watch him.

The older man chuckled warmly and pushed open the cage door, forcing Dean to step back quickly or risk being hit in the face. "Sure thing boys." turning to lock the gate behind him; glancing at Sam out of the corner of his eyes, before stepping past him altogether.

Something caught on the air and crashed into Sam. A scent that caused his stomach to flutter irrationally. He couldn't place it though. Narrowing his eyes he glanced around, trying to find the source but the smell was gone.

"You coming Kiddo?"

Sam's head snapped around to find Dean and the janitor staring at him from the stairs, that smile growing wider on the older man's face.

"Right. Yeah." Sam murmured embarrassingly. Rushing to catch up. Causally interrogating the older man at they walked.

~~~Dreams Are The Salvation Of A Soul~~~

Broward Country, Florida. 2007

Sam climbed out of the Impala as they pulled up outside the local diner. He knew Dean would much rather be looking for Bela, he'd complained about it enough but he just wanted to work. And it wasn't like they had any idea where the bitch was anyway. - And he needed to keep Dean busy so he didn't start up about Ruby again. Who was currently out there trying her hardest to find a way to save Dean from hell. So he'd dragged Dean on this nice normal missing person case. Well normal for them.

Sam glanced around the area. It didn't look like the kind of place a man would go missing but they'd learnt long ago not to judge a nice sleepy town by its shop fronts. The quiet ones were always the most dangerous. He turned at the sound of Dean's booted feet hitting the gravel as he marched towards the diner. Inhaling slowly Sam rushed to catch up, the door swinging closed before he got to it.

Sam reached for the handle only to have the door open out towards him suddenly. A moment later a grey haired man stepped out and smiled at him. Sam's breath caught for a second and he narrowed his eyes. Something seemed familiar about the guy but at the same time he knew he'd never seen him before. He probably just had one of those faces. So Sam fixed on his most friendly smile and stepped aside to let the man pass.

As he did, something caught at Sam's nose. But it was gone in mere seconds, before Sam could even put a name to it. Shaking it off he stepped over the threshold, glancing at the retreating back for a few moments before letting the door swing closed behind him.

~~~Dreams Are The Salvation Of A Soul~~~

Wellington, Ohio. 2009

Sam stared at the trickster. No, not trickster, angel. He couldn't believe he hadn't worked that out before. In hindsight it suddenly all seemed so obvious. The shorter man looked over at him and something clenched in Sam's chest. Those amber brown eyes, almost gold in the dim light, were filled with anger….and sadness. Sam frowned. Hating the odd sense of compassion flooding through him. He should hate the guy. After everything he'd done to them over the years but for some reason all he felt was...a connection. Something he couldn't quite name.

Shaking off the feeling, he narrowed his eyes at the angel. "So which one are you? Grumpy, Sneezey or Douchey?"

The angel met his gaze, resigned. "Gabriel, okay. - They call me Gabriel."

Sam's breath caught in his lungs. "Gabriel? - The Archangel?"

"Guilty." Gabriel sighed; his gaze flickering between him and Dean. Then finally settling on Sam.

The pair stared at one another for a few moments. Sam's heart racing. He inhaled deeply and instead of the heavy scent of damp and fire he caught a lingering scent of sweet fresh air. The spell was broken by Dean harsh demanding voice, causing Gabriel to turn furiously.

~~~Dreams Are The Salvation Of A Soul~~~

New York City, New York. 2009

Sam stumbled out of the building, his head spinning and an acid taste in his mouth. The moment his feet touched the sidewalk he collapsed against the nearest wall fighting to breath. His legs like water beneath him. His head fell back against the red brick, his eyes closed to the world that suddenly felt bizarre and unfamiliar.

It was the worse thing to do. All he saw was Katherine's face smiling up at him, flushed and sweaty. Her blue eyes glowing with sparks of gold. The lingering taste of sweetness on his tongue caused Sam to moan, forcing his eyes open before he became lost in the moment. Or worse yet, turned and went back for more.

What the holy hell had he just done?

You just slept with Gabriel. The Archangel. So holy's right. His mind answered unhelpfully.

Sam's stomach rolled and nausea clawed at his throat. What had he been thinking? He hadn't, that was the problem. He hadn't thought he'd needed to. It was Katherine. How could he have known Gabriel would…God. He snarled furiously.

Come on Sammy, you knew it wasn't Katherine. You're not an idiot. You saw the signed and you chose to ignore them. Don't lie to yourself.

Sam shook his head. Banging it back against the brick as if to silence the voice in his mind. He hadn't known it was Gabriel. There hadn't been any signs.

The prom photo. The smell. The taste. The….

"Shut up." Sam growled furiously to himself. Slamming his head one more time.

That bastard had used Katherine to screw with him. Punishment for outing him no doubt. God he really hated that guy. Well this was the last straw, he was going back to the motel, grabbing that holy oil and coming back to barbeque his lying feathery ass. Fucking angel.

He ran his tongue over his lips and groaned. Pushing himself off the wall. He hadn't known. There was no way he could have known

.

~~~Dreams Are The Salvation of A Soul~~~

Sioux Falls, South Dakota. 2009

Sam had no idea why he did it. Why he'd flown at Gabriel, crushing their mouths together. Nothing made sense to him anymore. He just couldn't fight the need to discover if the taste that still lingered on his tongue was Katherine's or the archangel's. He prayed it was the former. It would make things so much simpler. He closed his eyes tight, forcing himself not to think. Just allowing his senses to run riot. He didn't touch though. He pressed his palms against the workbench. Not caring that small splinters and shards of scrap metal bit into his skin. He felt the tug on his hair and couldn't fight the groan rumbling from his chest, just as he couldn't help pressing closer to the angel. He gasped for breath when Gabriel pulled back. The man dragging his lips down the column of Sam's neck.

~~~Dreams Are The Salvation of A Soul~~~

Greybull, Wyoming, 2009

When Gabriel opened his mouth to protest, Sam surged forward, taking full advantage. His hands cradling the man's face between his palms as he let his tongue devour every inch of the angel's mouth. Seeking out that taste he'd been craving too long. Gabriel refused to reciprocated, his tongue remaining suborning still. But he didn't hold out long. A few more minutes then he surrendered. Sam groaned hungrily as Gabriel's tongue came out to play with maddening enthusiasm. The angel's hands wrapping tight into the folds of Sam's shirt, pulling him closer. Trapping them between his chest and Gabriel's. The archangel's hips rocking forward to rut against Sam's thigh.

~~~Dreams Are The Salvation of A Soul~~~

Indiana Highway. 2009

Sam stared at the bright white light illuminating the night sky like dawn. His heart pounding, tears stinging the backs of his eyes. He was gone. He was really gone. Sam rubbed at his chest as he turned back in his seat to stare out of the window. He couldn't pinpoint the ache, and he didn't want to really thing about it. He should just be grateful that he wasn't dead. That they'd escaped. It wasn't like he'd cared about the archangel. The guy had been screwing with him for months. Years. Now at least he'd have some peace and finally get over the insane need he'd been carrying around since New York.

~~~Dreams Are The Salvation of A Soul~~~

Hell. 2009

It was all darkness and heat. Insufferable heat and a heavy weight on his chest that never eased. His whole body hurt. He could hear Lucifer and Michael fighting again. Could feel his body being slammed against blazing iron bars, branding his skin. The fighting he could take. Being used as a punching back he was used to. It was the other times that left him broken. When it was just him and Lucifer. Secure behind the walls of his mind. Where the fallen archangel could manipulated him. Taunt him. Play with him. Make him see whatever he wanted. Where he let him experience hope and joy and peace only to rip it away.

He'd suffered through Dean's torture, as his brother ripped into him, tearing at his skin and bone. He'd stood frozen to the spot and watched Jessica smile and flirt, a familiar yellow eyed glow to her eyes and seductive whispers on her lips. Before turning to have violent sex with Brody in front of him. The pair laughing at him and his tear filled eyes.

He listened as his father curse and taunted him, berating him for his weakness. Insisting that he should have killed him years ago. That he should never had left it to Dean because Dean was as weak and useless as Sam. That he was a disgrace. Disgusting. That he wasn't a man because men did have sex with other men. He deserved to be in hell.

And he'd had his body used and taken in the worst ways. Beyond all imagining by his biggest secret. But there were no secrets from the devil and he'd been a fool to think Lucifer wouldn't root it out.

The first time Gabriel had held him down and taken him violently, he'd screamed and fought. It had started with comforting words and promises of salvation, but ended with his body bloody and ripped apart while Lucifer laughed and taunted. He'd stopped fighting eventually and just let it happen. Just closed his mind off and told himself it wasn't real. Gabriel wasn't real.

His Gabriel would never do this.

~~~Dreams Are The Salvation of A Soul~~~

Sam stared down at Gabriel from the porch of their white two story house as the angel put the last box in the back of the car. Tears burning his eyes. "I don't have to go." Sam insisted.

Gabriel turned with a sad smile, slamming closed the door he walked slowly back to Sam. "Yeah ya do. You can't stay forever Sammy. You need to get back there. Ya need to save the world from the scum of the universe." he joked; taking the steps up to stand toe to toe with the taller man.

"I don't want to go back."

"Don't you?"

Sam shook his head petulantly causing Gabriel to laugh. The archangel reached up to touch his face and pull him into a slow sweet kiss.

Sam swallowed the tears choking him. "You're not real." he murmured brokenly.

"Never was Sasquatch." Gabriel whispered against his lips. "Remember what I said Sam, be happy. Find someone."

Sam looked down at the angel, his hands combing through the man's thin golden brown hair. "I have someone."

"That's sickeningly sweet. Except for the whole me being an illusion your mind created to survive Lucifer's torment." he chuckled lightly. "I'm pretty much you Sammy. You love yourself." he grinned smugly.

"I'm serious Gabriel."

"I know, that's what makes it so sad. You actually believe you love me. And maybe you do on a deep level." Gabriel rubbed aimlessly at Sam's chest. "But we both know that if I were real. - If he hadn't died. If he came back, you'd push him away just like you did last time. You'd use him then lose him. You don't love us Sam, you love that we love you."

Sam shook his head furiously. "That's not true."

Gabriel sighed; lowering his gaze. "We'll never know, will we?"

Sam growled angrily, grabbing at Gabriel's face. Crashing their mouths together in a hot brutal kiss. Gabriel's fingers curling into the fabric of the taller man's shirt while they moaned pathetically into one another's mouths. When Sam pulled away they were both flushed and breathless.

Sam stared at the angel silently. His hands still clinging on. Afraid to let go.

"You need to go Sam. Dean needs you. The world needs you." Gabriel whispered; pulling gently out of Sam hold. He took a step back before moving around to head for the house.

Sam wanted to follow him. Instead he was frozen to the spot, the last tentative touch of Gabriel's fingers on his arm burning deep before vanishing altogether. He heard the click of the latch echo behind him as the door closed forever and sucked in an agonizing breath. Closing his eyes as the tears slipped down his cheeks. He could hear Lucifer off in the distance talking about pigs and bricks. There were distant voices. Familiar. Comforting. He didn't move though. He just stared out at the empty suburban street he'd spent the past six months escaping too.

He felt the pull to turn and walk back into the house. To stay here with Gabriel but he couldn't leave Dean to face the world alone. He was all Dean had now.

"If I can't tell you again, I'm sorry I ever did this to you." A voice whispered on the breeze. A familiar deep voice. Sam closed his eyes, inhaled the fading scent of sweet fresh air and took a step off the porch and straight back into his nightmare life.

THE END:

For Now At Least

A/N: The flashback sequence references moments from Tall Tales (I placed that episode in Pennsylvania because I couldn't remember them actually saying where they were.), Mystery Spot and Changing Channels (All of which I hope to write little one shots for.) As well as my previous stories Chimes at Midnight and Masquerade. The high school scene is obvious destine to reappear in the Prequel (When I finally get around to writing that.) and the Hell sequence is what I imagined Lucifer might have made Sam live through while in the cage that lead to him being so completely broken. (I'll probably never write that story. Too painful.)

I'm hoping to stay within the SPN canon (as much as you possibly can when writing slash, obviously.) but if Season Nine messes with my ability to do that too much, this may steer off into complete AU territory so I can continue.

But for now. Thanks for reading and reviewing, and the kudos. See you again soon with the next instalment of Unrequited Sabriel.