They're subdued as they eat, Emily too worried about pushing JJ too far to say anything else about it. She recognises it, that's the thing. The haunted look behind JJ's eyes, the way her muscles are too tense, like she's ready to spring up and run at any second. She remembers that feeling, remembers what it did to her. What it still does to her on bad days, bad nights, when she lies in bed alone and runs her fingers over and over and over those scars and gets lost again in the waves of paralysing terror that drove her across the ocean. The same nights she tries to keep herself awake then wakes up screaming into a tearstained pillow.

They order another coffee to go and walk down the street hand in hand. JJ just sips her coffee as Emily leads, confident but unhurried – she obviously knows where they're going, and JJ doesn't ask. They end up at the steps of the Capitol building, Emily throwing a quick glance and JJ before sitting down. JJ sits too, and Emily's hand slides around her back, settling at her waist. "I do miss this," Emily says softly. "Here. DC." You. She used to come here all the time, since she started with the FBI – back then, it reminded her of her title, her position, everything she had overcome and everything she had done to get there. Now it reminds her of everything she ran from.

"London must be great," JJ says, her voice flatter than she intended.

Emily squeezes her waist a little, taking a slow sip of her coffee, considering her answer. "It's…" she begins, then sighs, turning to look at JJ's face, watching her eyes darting around the open space in front of them, her fingers tapping on her leg. "Do you know why I left?"

"Yes," JJ says softly, looking down, her heart starting to pound in her throat. "I do. I didn't for so long, but I get it now, I understand, I almost wish I…"

Emily's heart sinks. She puts her coffee down on the step, turns fully toward JJ and brings her hand up to her face, brushes her thumb over her cheekbone. JJ's eyes close and she swallows hard, settles a hand on Emily's thigh and grips it hard to anchor herself because she can feel it coming –the suffocating feeling of her nightmares surrounding her. "JJ," Emily says, her voice gentle. "Look at me."

I can't, she thinks, nausea starting to creep over her, her stomach flipping. She feels cold suddenly, feels freezing wet fabric over her mouth and nose, can't breathe –

The voice that breaks through is soft, comforting: "I got you." It reminds her first of falling then of being caught, and when she pulls herself together enough to open her eyes, Emily's hand is soft on her face, dark eyes inches away. JJ releases her drowning grip on Emily's thigh, brings her hands up to her back instead and pulls her close, brings their lips together because she needs to feel something real. Emily responds softly, lips and hands caressing, and JJ feels herself shatter. She pulls back, buries her face in her hands. "Honey, you can't keep going like this," Emily says, rubbing slow circles on her back.

JJ just nods, her breath uneven.

Emily sighs and keeps rubbing, waiting until JJ looks back up at her, her face streaked with tears. "Talk to me."

JJ looks away, shaking her head. "Em, I can't," she says through gritted teeth. "I can't give you this and watch you walk away."

Stung, Emily drops her hand into her lap. "I -" she begins, picking at her nails, hating the hurt she hears in her voice, how small and vulnerable it makes her sound.

"I don't regret any of this," JJ goes on, her voice softening as she slides her hands over Emily's, pulling them apart. "But I would regret that."

"I'm sorry," Emily replies, guilt crawling up her throat and forming a lump there.

JJ sighs, slides an arm around Emily's back and tugs her into a hug. "Don't be," she murmurs into her hair. "Interpol, Em, and London… I'd leave if I c-"

Emily sits up straight, eyes fierce. "JJ, look at me," she says firmly, the ache in her throat intensifying. "It's a great job and a big promotion and – and London. But I ran away. I buried my own version of everything you're burying right now and it -" she takes a breath, feels tears pool and spill over and looks away, intensely embarrassed, as JJ's fingers weave together with hers and squeeze. "- it ate away at everything I loved," she goes on softly, fighting to keep the tremble out of her voice. "I didn't know how to stop running. I couldn't breathe in DC because Doyle was everywhere, because I let him get everywhere… I buried it for so long the entire continent was tainted. I didn't leave because I was free, Jayje, I left because I was trapped." She wipes tears away with her sleeve, turns back to JJ to find her eyes wide and sad. "Don't you dare do that to yourself," she says softly, squeezing her hands. "I'm only telling you because I don't want you to do the same thing. You deserve better."

"I deserve better?" JJ says, her head tilting. "What about you?"

Emily opens her mouth to respond, then closes it, shakes her head. It's too complicated. She already ran.

JJ smiles sadly, stands up and stacks their coffee cups, holds her hand out toward Emily. "Come on."

They go back to JJ's place, silently making the decision not to talk about it any more now, and Emily goes through JJ's TiVo as she rummages around the kitchen. "You have a lot of Doctor Who for someone who isn't me or Reid," she says, arching an eyebrow when JJ appears in the doorway with a bag of pretzels.

"Henry's a fan," JJ says automatically, sitting down and settling a hand on Emily's leg, still half marvelling at how natural it feels, how totally right it is to have her hand right there. "It is pretty good," she admits with a sideways glance.

Grinning, Emily presses play.

They watch a ridiculous number of episodes in a row, JJ lying back against Emily's chest and their arms tangled together, fingers making slow circles on each other's arms, clinging to maximum contact and trying to swallow every thought they have about London and Doyle and Askari.

"Em?"

"Mm?"

"We're pretty messed up."

Emily smiles, nuzzles JJ's hair off her temple and kisses there softly. "Yeah," she agrees. "But we made it."