"Are you at a point that you feel comfortable enough to talk with me about it?" Today's session is different. Different because she's not writing anything down. For the first time since I've started seeing her, I feel like I'm talking to her as if she's one of my friends. She's not diagnosing me, she's not looking at me like I'm a psych case and she's not writing down every little alarming thing I say. I feel like she's seeing me…like I'm a human and not a patient of hers. "You don't have to tell me about it. But I just assumed, since you brought it up, that it was something you wanted to talk to me about."

"I mean yeah… It's okay if we talk about it." I shrug my shoulders and stare at the puzzle I've spent the last few sessions working on. The dolphins have just started to take shape and I've gotten the entire background done. "As long as you don't snitch on me for ditching school, heck yeah we can talk about it." I push two puzzle pieces together and take a sip of the little can of Sunny D she brought me today.

"You know I'm not going to tell on you for skipping school, Jo." She playfully rolls her eyes at me and folds her hands. "But seriously, I do want to know what happened. Skipping school to be with Alex is kind of a big deal, isn't it? What did you guys do all day, besides that?"

"Well first…" I stifle a big yawn and my eyes water a little bit with it. "Excuse me." I mutter and clear my throat. "First, he was really hungry so I decided to make us some breakfast. So I made breakfast and we ate, then were both tired so we went back to sleep for a little while. Then we woke up and we…yeah. And then we took a nap for like an hour or something like that. Then I went to go take a shower after I woke back up and then we ending up going at it in the shower…which was really uncomfortable by the way. But anyway, after the shower, we just watched TV and then he made me lunch. And after lunch we did it again and that was the epitome of awkward, but… I don't know. Don't judge me…"

She has a smile on her face. "Why would I judge you? Do I ever judge you, Jo?" I shake my head at her. "Why was it uncomfortable and awkward for you? Did you start thinking about things you shouldn't have been thinking about?" She leans forward and makes eye contact with me. "Do you think you're healthy enough to jump into sexual situations? Because just last week, you were scratching and screaming and biting him. Was this time any different?"

"Mhm." I nod. "It was really different. I think it's because I set boundaries, just like you told me to. I kind of realize that Alex and I have really bad communication issues, just like you said. So I took your advice…and before it even started, I set those boundaries. I just basically told him that I didn't want him to pull my hair. And I let him know that it makes me a little bit nervous when he holds my hands. I basically just let him know that certain things make me feel uncomfortable. And not being able to move is a big no for me."

"And he was understanding of that? He understood that certain things bring back bad memories for you, and he was supportive?"

"Yeah. I was firm but not bitchy about it. And he didn't do either one of those things. I didn't really have to explain to him how those things made me feel. He kind of just…got it, you know? Because he was super considerate the whole time. He was considerate of things I didn't even tell him about. He was like… all loving and stuff. He kept kissing me and he sort of like… asked my permission before he did anything, without really asking. He would like… make sure he wasn't crushing me. And he would make sure that I was okay with the pace and stuff. He was just really nice about it."

"And because he was nice about it, you were able to enjoy it?"

"Yes. It was totally different because I DID enjoy it. I don't know… it was just like a completely different experience this time around. I didn't even feel the need to freak out. I felt like I was okay. I was really, really okay."

"If you were so okay, then why'd you describe some situations as uncomfortable and others as awkward?"

The biggest smile creeps across my face. "I feel like you're gonna judge me." I look away from her to ease my nerves. "The shower was so uncomfortable because we were standing up, okay? He held my leg up, which was really nice but… I kept getting a cramp in my other leg so it was just all bad. But it was like… I didn't want to stop him because… I mean… I… I mean…"

"Because you liked it so much?"

"YEAH!" I put my head down. "I'm such a slore. I'm a slore."

"What's a slore?"

"…Slut and a whore combined. Slore. Slore, slore, slore. I'm a slore."

"Jo, you are not a…slore. It's okay for you to enjoy sex. That makes you human, not nasty. You should be jumping for joy that you were able to share that level of intimacy with your boyfriend after everything you've been through. That's progress, Jojo."

"I know, but…" I bite my lip. "I don't really like talking about sex. I guess I haven't really changed in that aspect. I still find it really awkward and just…weird to talk about sex. It's like… I dunno. I feel like sex is something you should keep private. I don't think everybody needs to know your business. So it's like…when I talk about it, I feel dirty. It's not like I feel like a hoe while I'm doing it. I just feel like a hoe when I'm talking about it."

"So you're sensitive to the dirty things. Do you get squeamish when people mention the words, 'penis', 'vagina', 'intercourse' and 'intimacy'?"

"…Eh, not really." I tune my nose up. "That's just not something I need to hear. And it's not the proper words that really get me. It's the dirty slang crap that really makes me want to crawl up in a ball and just say ick. Or words like… like…" I grit my teeth because it bothers me to even say this. "Words like 'creamy' or 'moist' or 'tender.' Ewwww… I hate those words. I'm not prude I just… I dunno, maybe I am prude."

"You're not prude as much as you're just prim. You're really prim and proper and you have a way of thinking about how things should be. It's ladylike mannerisms, not being a prude. Your grandmother did a good job of raising you in that aspect, I think." I don't have anything else to say on the subject and neither does she, so there's this awkward silence between the two of us. I put another two pieces of the puzzle together. She clears her throat. "So uh… is there something you're not telling me, Jo? Something important that I should probably know about?"

"…No?" I wrinkle my brow at her. "I think I just told you the most personal thing I can think of. I'm almost certain that I don't have anything else that I want to tell you." I pick up another puzzle piece and try to figure out where it goes. I can feel her staring at me. You ever get that feeling? You can't really see someone looking at you, but you can feel them. You can feel that someone is staring at you. I have that feeling right now. "What about you, huh?" I put the puzzle piece down and look up at her. "You don't think you have something you should tell me? Nothing at all?" She looks at me like she's completely unamused. "When were you going to tell me that you wanted to… I don't know… ADOPT me? You don't think that's something you should've told me?"

"That and what I'm talking about are two totally different things, Jo. I didn't tell you that for your own good. What you need to talk to me about is a totally different concept, little girl." She leans forward. "You're not gonna make me the bad guy here. I'm YOUR therapist…you're not mine."

"I never said that I was." I crack a smile. "I'm just saying… you probably should've told me that. I was so confused when your husband said something about it. Why didn't you tell me?"

"Because. I wasn't going to tell you until I was sure of a couple things. I needed to be sure that my husband wouldn't mind if you came to live with us, first of all. Second of all, I needed to be sure that I would get approved to adopt. And I wanted to be sure that nothing would've fallen through. I couldn't just tell you that I wanted you, give you that hope, all for something to happen. I'm sorry if I hurt your feelings by not telling you, but it really wasn't your business at that point. Plus… it didn't even happen, so why are we talking about it?"

"…You seem disappointed." I look down at the table. "I'm sorry, alright?"

"Why are you sorry, Jo? What are you sorry for? It's not your fault. And I'm not disappointed at all. I'm so happy that you got adopted. I'm so happy that you finally found some stability. Why would that disappoint me?"

"I dunno… you just seem like you really wanted me." I shrug.

"It would've been nice to have you around." She winks at me. "But I think I'm alright with you just being my little patient." She points at an empty spot on the puzzle. I catch her drift and put the piece I had in my hand into the spot she pointed at me. "So new topic… you know darn well what I want to talk to you about, don't you?" I nod. "So spill."

"Nothing to spill." I shrug. "It wasn't even special. It lasted like twenty minutes and she left and that was it. There's nothing to spill and I mean that. I don't even want to talk about it. It's just something that happened. No big deal."

"Oh, it's a big deal." She puts her chin in her hands and just looks at me. "Did you like her? How did you feel about her?"

"…I don't even know." I sigh. "I feel like…" I roll my eyes around the room and take a breath. "I feel like I could've liked her. I feel like… like had I not been raised to hate her, I might have actually really liked her. She was…" I bite my lip. "She was honest. She was really honest and she was so… likeable. It was so hard for me to hate her and I really wanted to. She basically just… told me. She told me that she was a bad mom, she told me that she loved drugs more than she loved me…. she told me everything. And it was… I don't really know how to explain it. It was bad… but it wasn't nowhere near as bad as I thought it was gonna be. I thought it was gonna suck so bad and it was gonna set me back all these steps…but it didn't. I feel better, actually."

"How did she introduce herself to you? Did she blatantly tell you that she was your mama or did she just start telling you her excuses?"

"…It was weird, okay? She didn't even have to explain. She looks…" I reach into my back pocket of my jeans and pull out the picture she gave me yesterday. "Here. She gave this to me. I… I kinda don't want to put this somewhere where I'll lose it… so I carry it around with me. But look." I slide the picture across the table at her. "She didn't have to tell me who she was, you know? Because it was kind of obvious. It was like… either I have a blonde twin sister that nobody ever told me about or this woman was my mother. It was too obvious…you know?"

Mrs. Who unfolds the picture and takes a look at it. She gasps as soon as she sees it. "Holy gosh…." Her eyes are all lit up and she's smiling. "This is her? This is her and the baby is you?" I nod my head. "Oh my… she's really beautiful. You look just like her little clone. You're a brunette her. Look at her nose… and her mouth. It looks like you're holding that baby."

"I know. And it was weird because…" I bite my lip again. "Look. Alex was supposed to be coming over. So when she rang the doorbell and I answered the door, I was expecting to see him. But I opened the door and I swear I thought somebody played a trick on me and put a mirror in front of it. I felt like somebody dumped ice water down my shirt. It was so strange to look her in her eye. Because it was literally like… me. And then when my other mom… Shane's mom, came back in the house to get me, she was like… 'Jo, how do you know who that woman is?' and I was just like… 'Really?' I'm not that stupid. I know who she is. Because like I said, she was either my sister or my mom. Somebody doesn't look that much like you and you're not related. That doesn't make sense."

"She's beautiful… absolutely gorgeous. You look just like your mother, Jo… it's scary."

"…She is pretty, isn't she?" I lean forward and look at the picture with her. "And her hair is just like mine. It's really thick and really long just like mine. It's just a golden blonde color. And her eyes are my eyes. She really is pretty. She of course doesn't look like that anymore, but she looks similar." I just stare at the picture. It really is like a blonde version of me holding a baby.

"And the baby is pretty cute, too." She holds the picture closer to her face. "Real cute baby."

"I know, right? That baby is so cute… I wonder what happened to her." I playfully joke along with her.

"I hear she's still pretty good-looking." She winks at me. "And she's smart, funny, very witty…. She's sharp, too. She's sharp as a tack. And she's got the ability to make anybody smile." She hands me the picture back. "What do you think happened to the baby? How do you think she turned out?"

"…I think she's okay." I neatly fold the picture back up and carefully put it inside my pocket. "I think she's still a work in progress, but I think she's alright for the most part." I drum my fingers along the table and think about what I'm going to say. "She's happy. And she can say that with the most honesty she's ever had in her life. She's happy... but she's scared that maybe she won't always be happy. But for right now, she's happy… really, she is."

"Oh yeah?" She smiles at me. "What's she so happy for? What attributes to her happiness?"

"…Well…" I clear my throat. "She has an awesome mom. Her mom is… the best. And—"

She interrupts me before I can say anything else. "What's the best thing about her mom? What does she like the most about her mother?"

"…What's there not to love? She's… the best. You have to be a special kind of person to take a moody, broody teenager into your home. And she doesn't give up on me, either. She…" I feel like I might cry just talking about mom. "She's patient. And she's always there for me. Always. Even when I'm wrong, she's on my side. And she never gives me shit. I mean by that… I mean… I can tell her anything and she never gives me crap about it. I can just talk to her… and our relationship is so open. She's ALWAYS on my side. Like in the Jason thing… I don't know… I don't know how I would've gotten through it without her. She picked me up through it all. Like… like when I thought that I couldn't do it, she helped me. She held my hand every step of the way and she's just the best mother I could've ever asked for. And she makes me feel so special every single day. She never lets me forget that she loves me. She reminds me on a daily basis that the adoption wasn't really a big deal. She… she told me…" Mrs. Who hands me a tissue and I use it to dab my wet eyes. "She told me that my adoption was just finalizing something that's always been true. She said that I've always been her baby… it's just official now. And I feel like I owe her everything but I don't know how to thank her. I want to get her a gift, but what do I get her? How do you give somebody something that gave you everything? How do you repay somebody for that?"

"Here's the thing about mothers, Jo." She hands me another tissues. "You give your mother everything back just by being the kind of kid you are. You make straight As, you're not pregnant, you're a very well-rounded young lady, you have manners and you're really ladylike. You give your mother everything back just by being a good kid. That's how you repay her. You repay her by keeping up what you're doing." I nod my head and keep wiping my eyes. "…So go again. Gimme something else that attributes to your happiness. How about your friends? Tell me about Alex… tell me why you're so happy, Jo. Tell me."

"…Well, there's Shane, Leah, Heather, Steph… April. My best friends are reason enough to be happy. Leah… I think me and her still have this weird bond. It's like… if I can't talk to Alex about something, then I'll go talk to Shane. If I can't talk to Shane then I'm gonna go talk to April. And if April's unavailable then I'm gonna talk to Leah. Me and Leah are alike in more ways than one. And she's someone that I would consider my best friend. One of my best friends. And Steph is just a lot of fun to hang out with. Heather's just as fun as Steph is, but she's a tad bit weirder. I could talk to you all day about April…. The kind of friend that April is to me is something that I can't even measure up to. She's like my big sister. She's always looking out for me. Always making sure that I'm doing the right thing… making sure I keep my head on my shoulders. She's an honest friend…"

"And Shane? You haven't talked to me about him in a while…"

"It's because I don't know where to start with him. He's great. I mean…he's Shane. And it's weird with me and him because we fight so bad and things between us can get so shitty. Like when he told me that he had feelings for me? Things were at the shittiest they've ever been with us. But we always get through it. And he's always been my number one. No matter what. Me and Shane are honestly at a really good place right now. He's happy with Leah and I'm happy with Alex and I think the both of us realize that we work better as friends. Just like his mom, I owe Shane a lot. He's talked me down from a lot of ledges…"

"And how about Alex? How does he fit in?" She takes my soiled tissues and throws them in the trash for me.

A wide, honest smile just spreads across my face. Alex… where do I begin with him? He's everything to me. How do I explain that? "….Alex. He's… he's amazing." I shake my head. "He's everything I could've ever hoped to find in a boy. And you can call me crazy or delusional or whatever, but I really think I want to settle down and marry him someday. I just… I don't see myself with anybody else."

"I thought you never wanted to get married, Jo. I thought you never wanted to get married and I thought you never wanted children. Isn't that what you told me?"

"Yeah!" I nod my head fast, excitedly. "That's how come I'm so sure. We were laying down together after we got out of the shower and we were just talking nonsense. And he told me that he wanted kids and he explained that he knew that I didn't want kids… but I...something inside me today just clicked. And I don't think I'd mind being a mom someday or being someone's wife. After I get my college degree and get a really good job. I could see myself with him for the rest of my life. I'm trying not to think about it, just in case something happens and we break up for good… but I could picture that. High school sweethearts stay together sometimes, don't they? I'm changing so much, Mrs. Who… is it noticeable?"

"I noticed." She's still smiling at me. "I notice a big change in you. And I'm gonna keep working with you, so maybe you'll change some more. But right now…you're so different. And I like it." She holds her hand out to me. "Here, lemme see your hand. Your left one." I put my arm out and put my hand inside hers. She overturns my hand so that it's palm-up and looks at my wrist. "I'm proud of you, little girl." She brushes her thumb over my used-to-be cuts. "I'm really proud of you."

"I think I'm proud of myself, too. I'm just… I'm hanging in there, you know? And I'm trying. And I think… I think I'm gonna be okay."

"You are going to be okay, Jo. You're going to be just fine."

"Jo! Honey, come down here!" Mom calls to me from downstairs. I'm not grounded anymore, so I'm going out tonight on a double date with April and Jackson. I think we're just going to grab a bite to eat at The Cheesecake Factory, because it's a school night and we can't do anything too major. Luckily, I was just about done getting dressed so if mom's calling me to come downstairs because April's here to pick me up, that's not a problem. I grab the jacket I was going to put on off the back of my armchair and sling it over my forearm.

I start running down the steps. "I'm coming!" I reach the bottom of the steps and put my jacket on the mantle so I don't have to carry it. "What do you want, mom?" I stop to see if she wants anything before I dash on out the door. "Is my ride here?"

"I didn't hear anyone beep." She's standing next to the front door, sorting through the mail. "But there's something here for you. It was in the mail." She hands me a dark yellow envelope. I wrinkle my eyebrows and take it from her.

"Who's it from?" I hold the envelope in my hand. It's rather heavy and it feels like it has something inside of it. It's pretty large, too. It's the size of a folder and it's sealed up pretty tight. I turn it around to look at the back. "There's no return address on it… It doesn't have a sender on it…" I'm so confused. Should I even open this? I know it has to be something from my biological mother. I run my hand over the smeared ink on the front. It's addressed to "Joey." This envelope looks like it's been put through the wringer. It's pretty beat up.

"I don't know, but it's for you. You want me to open it or do you want to just throw it away?"

"…It's fine." I slide my index finger underneath the slot of the envelope and tear it open. I walk over and sit down on the couch. I overturn the envelope and empty out its contents onto the couch cushion. Out onto the couch, a bunch of tinier envelopes spill out and a pink sheet of paper, as well as a tiny black box. I pick up the pink sheet of paper first. My mom surely works quick. She just left yesterday and she's sending me things already? I unfold the pink paper and look at it. It's a letter…

Joey,

If you're reading this, I think it's safe to say that something has happened to me. One good thing has come from this though; if you're reading this, it also means that somebody at least followed my instructions. As much as it pains to me say this, I must admit that I have always prepared for this situation and my preparation has a lot to do with the fact that you are reading this.

When you take in a child and choose to love that child, it is an incredible responsibility. I pride myself in how much time and energy I put into making sure that things shall be alright, should you ever have to face the world without me. In writing this letter, I hope that you never have the opportunity to read this. It is in my deepest wishes that you have not to encounter this letter while you're still young. Alas if you are reading this, my wishes have not come true.

With this letter, you shall find more letters, enclosed in envelopes that have very special instructions for you. Along with the letters, I have left you something very special to me. When you open the box and find what I've left you, I hope you find it as enchanting as I once did. As long as you have what I have given to you, I will always, always, always be with you.

Although taking care of a child is the most challenging, difficult thing one may ever encounter, believe me when I say that you are my greatest accomplishment. One struggle with you is worth ten thousand vacations alone without you by my side. I am sorry to have left you so soon, my darling. But please believe me when I state that leaving you was the hardest thing I'll ever do. And while I just may be in a better place, nothing is worth missing a moment with you.

I trust that you are not alone. I trust that you are safe, in Kelly's house, bringing the joy to her life that you have brought to mine ever since you walked into my life at two weeks old. Though I cannot protect you from the things I wish I could while I'm gone, I hold out the inevitable hope that Kelly is taking care of you in the ways that I should have.

I'm aware that things have never been smooth sailing for us, Joey. I never understood you, you never understood me. And while you at times, made my life hell, I would give anything just to hear you tell me, "Love you Grammy" just one more time. And if you're missing me in the way that I'm for sure missing you, remember one thing darling and never forget it:

You are the greatest joy of my life and I wouldn't trade you for anything in this lifetime. I am so honored to have been blessed to have you as my granddaughter, my supporter, my rock and ultimately, my daughter. I love you always, forever and painfully, Josephine. Never forget that.

Love forever,

Grammy.

I roughly wipe tears away from my face. Mom was reading over my shoulder, so I just hand her the letter so she can read it in its entirety. I pick up the little black box and carefully open it up. She gave this to me? She never took this off… I take the necklace out of the box and hold it in my hands. The chain is sparkly, real silver and hanging in the middle of it is a heart charm. For as long as I remember, Grammy has worn this. She never took it off… ever. She never even let me touch it. With shaky fingers, I slide my fingernail inside the little crease and open it up. I knew that it was a locket. I hold it to my face so I can see the picture inside. It's a picture of me and her. I was dressed in my christening gown and she looks so happy to be holding me. Pappy's in the background too, with an oxygen tank hooked up to him… I use the back of my hand to wipe my face off again.

I pick up a stack of the smaller envelopes she told me about. There are three stacks total, all with about ten or fifteen envelopes all taped together. They're all addressed to me, but they all say something different. I flip through them and read the titles.

Open on your first Christmas without me.

Open when you think you need me the most.

Open on your seventeenth birthday.

Open on your eighteenth birthday.

Open when you're having boyfriend troubles.

Open when you graduate high school.

Open when you graduate college.

Open when you think you found "the one."

Open when you get engaged.

Open on your wedding day.

Open on the anniversary of my death.

Open when you're ready to have a baby of your own.

Open when you have your baby.

There are so many more, but those are all I'm equipped to read right now. I think she has an "open when" for everything in my life…

"…Your ride's here, Jo…" Mom touches the crown on my head. "Do you want me to tell them you're not feeling well?"

"No… I'm fine." I stand up and very, very, very carefully put everything back inside the big envelope. I wipe my face harshly. I'm not sad. I'm just… a mixture of happy and sad. I don't know how explain how I'm feeling. I think I'm happy because I feel like I have my grandmother with me no matter what. I feel like she really is watching over me somehow. I feel like she's with me. But I'm sad because I wish she was actually with me. I really wish she was here.

But you know what? I'm gonna be okay. I'm gonna be fine without her. I have a mother that loves me. I have three brothers that I wouldn't trade for the world. I have the best friends in April, Stephanie, Leah and Heather that I could ask for. I have THE BEST boyfriend in the entire world. And my therapist? She's pretty kick-ass too. I've been through it. I've been through more at sixteen years old than most people have been through in their thirties. And I'm okay. I'm not perfect… but I'm okay.

When I think about it, I realize that I have too much going for me to not be okay. I have all the means to be okay… so why won't I be okay? Sure, I still get a little angry at times. Okay, I probably won't ever get over being raped. I still miss my grandmother so much that it hurts… But if I keep it in my head that I'm going to survive this, then I will… won't I?

I put my most prized possession, the envelope, safely in the drawer beside the fridge in the kitchen. I'll grab it when I get home and put it upstairs in my bedroom. I go back towards the front door and grab my jacket. "See you later, mommy…" I say with a little bit of murkiness from tears still in my voice. I clear my throat and open the door. April's car is outside waiting for me. Jackson's in the passenger's side and Alex is in the backseat.

You know, I used to think that I had rotten luck. I used to think that Grammy dying, getting sent to a foster home, being raped, being put through hell… I used to think that all of that crap happened to me because I was just incredibly unlucky. But maybe…JUST MAYBE, all of that happened for a reason. Maybe all of that had to happen in order for me to have finally found where I'm supposed to be. Here with Shane, Miss Kelly… this is where I'm supposed to be. This is it for me. And the more I think about this, the more I realize that I'm not unlucky. I mean, I do have people that are willing to take care of me. So that makes me lucky, doesn't it? I think it does. And I think that there's nobody else in this world that I'd rather be…

Than Lucky Me.

A/N: So... Lucky Me is over! :( I'm honestly really upset that it's over lol. I had so much fun writing it but I think it was time for it to come to an end. Anyway, So I've started my new Jolex story. I have chapter one all drafted out and I should be ready to post it by about tomorrow or so. I know I told you that they would all be residents, but I changed a little bit so that it still stays pretty true to the show. Jo is still younger than Alex, that's all. And there will be lots of Alex's POV in it and probably alot of smut. I haven't really decided how much smut just yet. I know that it WILL be M-rated though. And I think it'll be strictly Jolex... Maybe i'll throw some Japril in it, because if i wasn't a Jolex shipper first and foremost, I'd totally be ALL JAPRIL lol. Anyway,

i hope that you guys enjoyed my very first Grey's story :) I have alot of kinks to work out and i think that doing this little trial run was a good way to test out what you guys like and don't like.