A/N: so yeah... i probably should be working on updating Our New Beginning, but honestly i just wasn't really in the mood to write fluff, which is basically why i've been stuck on that chapter for awhile. anyway, here's this instead. sorry. please review, and thank you for reading!

Ezra

Blue—this is the color of the eyes that meet mine when they flutter open for the first time in the morning, and the first thought I always have is that I miss when they were hazel. Blue feels chilled, like the air that will surround me once I get out from underneath the warm protection of my covers. I miss the fuzzy feeling I would get in the morning when I woke up and the first thing I saw were two beautiful, bright golden-green eyes. I miss how they changed with her mood. I miss how they made me fall in love with her over and over again each time I saw them.

I don't translate this feeling into missing the actual person who possesses those eyes. Of course, I think about Aria often, more often than I should, but I'm happy now, and hopefully so is she. While I don't wish for things to suddenly change, I do wish things had worked out differently. I'm happy now but I believe that in another life, one that was kinder to us, I'd be happier. It's dangerous to think like this but I can't help but get caught up in it, in dreaming about what our life could have been like.

I wish my mind would stop jumping to the thought of Aria as soon as I wake up, because it means that learning to move on and let go is only more difficult. But in a way I'm grateful, because it means that all the thoughts I'm about to have are going to be out of my system by the time the day actually starts. Does everyone who's ever experienced heartbreak go through something like this? Or am I just kidding myself to believe that thinking about someone this much is normal?

"Good morning, babe," Brittany's tired voice says. A strand of her chestnut-colored hair falls on her face and I reach out to tuck it behind her ear.

She stares into my eyes and I stare back into hers. "Morning," I say softly, smiling gently. Her blue eyes are striking yet cold as they connect with mine, and I wonder if I'll ever know what it feels like to see her eyes melt into mine the way Aria's did.

I wish I could go back in time and figure out at exactly what point everything started to go wrong for me and Aria, figure out when two people who loved each other more than anything just weren't right for each other anymore. Maybe that was just the sad inevitability of our story. Maybe we were never meant to be in each other's lives forever; we were just supposed to be teachers of lust and passion so that we could both find paradise with someone new later down the road.

We were so naive to think that our strange and miraculous story made us invincible to the natural course of life. That's the hard part about finding love at such a young age; everything is so fragile and can change at any second. Youth lacks consistency, and maybe that's what broke us—ripped us apart little by little until the feelings we once had for each other dwindled away and the sparks burnt out.

It wasn't that we fell out of love, but more that the love we did have couldn't adapt quick enough to the constant spins and curveballs life was throwing at us. We couldn't have stopped the distance slowly creeping between us, wedging itself into small spaces and working them until they got bigger and bigger and eventually could no longer be ignored. I don't think any love would be able to survive what we went through in our five years together.

We used to be so in synch. I could read her mind the second I looked at her face and vice versa. I often try to think back to when what she and I wanted for the future became two separate things—when we no longer agreed on the same path. I think that our ending is much sadder than the traditional "I don't love you anymore" kind of break-up. I mean, is there anything worse than not being able to find happiness with the person you love most?

We tried to hold on for so long—what exactly was it that made us fall apart? What was the final straw? At what point did we decide that we weren't worth fighting for anymore? Was it when Christmas rolled around and it dawned on us that we had no idea what to get each other; that the people who used to know each other like the back of their hands couldn't figure out the perfect gift? Or was it when we slowly realized that the silences between us were becoming longer and less comfortable; that although we were spending more of our daily life apart we were running out of things to talk about much quicker than before? Or maybe we were still stuck in our young and reckless mindsets.

The kind of love we shared isn't supposed to last a lifetime. It's powerful and passionate and it's enough to set the world in flames, but in time those flames are destined to burn out. Maybe if we had been more willing to let go of our youthful passion and spontaneity, and settle for the calmer routines that mature love required we wouldn't be in ruins.

Spencer told me that after Aria finished the rest of her years at NYU she moved upstate. I told her to tell Aria that I was really happy for her but I doubt Spencer passed the message along. Honestly, I was relieved that she hadn't moved away to Europe or California, because knowing her and how she loved to travel I always figured I'd hear about her adventures in another country or state. I used to keep imagining running into Aria by chance one day on the busy streets of New York, which was silly, especially considering how large New York is and how far away she really was from me.

I can't help but think that if we'd only met at a later point in our lives then we would be together now, without the stress and strain from our younger days that stretched us to our limits and made us snap. It's been three years since the fall-out but I still feel like I'm stuck in the past waiting for something magical to come along and turn everything back to how it once was. I hope that she's taken the whole "soul mates are only meant to stay in our lives just long enough to teach us something" idea more seriously than I did. I hope she's taken the sad lesson that no matter how strong it is, love cannot endure anything, and used it to find something special. Perhaps something a bit calmer and more reasonable than the crazy and intense life we tried to create for ourselves.

I don't confuse my wishes to go back to how it once was as a sign that I'm still in love with Aria, because as horribly tragic as it may be, I'm not. I'm with Brittany for the long run, and I've given up my foolish dreams of meeting Aria again and falling back in love, but that doesn't mean I still don't wish that things were different. It doesn't mean that I don't miss being woken up by hazel eyes.

I still love Aria, I think I always will, but I don't let that love hold me back from my new life—a life without her. There were things we said to each other back then that we might have meant in the moment, but the truth is we both made promises we couldn't keep; the promises of forever. It all felt so real and certain when we were together, but I guess that's what being in love is supposed to feel like.

It's kind of funny how quickly things change, how one day you wake up and suddenly, like ripping off a band-aid, the stinging fades away and it doesn't hurt anymore. Thinking about her doesn't make your heart ache the same way it used to. You can think about the way her lips curved into a smile or the way her hair smelled after the rain without wishing for her to be in your arms again. You can miss the sound she made when she was excited or how her fingernails were always painted a different color everyday without feeling a sense of longing. You can appreciate her for who she was in your life without living in the past. You can love her without being in love with her.

Three Years Ago

Aria shuts the door as gently as she can. She winces when it makes a creaking sound, one that normally would be quiet but now, at two in the morning, seems louder than a thunderstorm. She lets out a relieved breath when she looks over to the bed and sees that she hasn't woken up Ezra. She pads across the floor barefoot, her heels dangling from her fingers. She reaches the dresser and carefully sets her shoes down before slipping silently out of her dress. She notices Ezra's discarded t-shirt lying on the floor so she picks it up and throws it over her head, grateful that she won't have to open the squeaky drawers to get one for herself.

Aria quickly wipes the remnants of her make-up of off her face and as she steps from the bathroom her eyes dance from the bed to the couch. She finally decides on the couch—she hates waking Ezra—and turns off the bathroom light. The sudden change in lighting disorients her and she sticks her hands out in front of her to prevent from tripping on her way to the couch. Her efforts, however, are not successful and she feels her right knee come in contact with side table. She catches the lamp before it can fall off, but the rattling noise it makes as she steadies it isn't any better.

"Shit..." she mumbles as she bends down to hold her throbbing knee.

"Aria?" Ezra mumbles sleepily. He shifts in his bed, turning to face where the noise came from.

"Yeah..." Aria whispers back.

He bends his elbow on his pillow and picks his head up, resting it on the inside of his palm. He can just make out her silhouette in the dark. She's standing, her shoulders slightly hunched and her hands clasped together loosely in front of her body. She looks hesitant, as if she'd just been caught doing something horrible.

"You're back."

"Yeah..." she repeats. "I got back a few minutes ago."

"What are you doing?" Ezra asks. She could hear rather than see the smirk in his voice.

"I was trying to get to the couch, but—"

He chuckles softly. "But your clumsiness got in the way, I see."

She smiles and bites her lip.

"Why are you going to the couch?" he adds.

"I didn't want to wake you," Aria admits softly.

"It's a little late for that."

"Sorry."

"Don't be," he says quickly. "Come here."

She pads over to him, not bothering to climb over him to her own side of the bed and just immediately settles against Ezra's frame, her face pressed to his chest. Ezra chuckles lightly causing Aria to look up and frown.

"What?" she asks, pulling away from his chest to look at his face.

"Nothing," he says, unconvincingly.

"Ezra..."

"It's just," he chuckles again. "You smell like a cocktail."

"Some clumsy dick spilled his drink all over me..." Aria mutters.

Ezra laughs again. "Why didn't I think of that? I could have used that trick at Snookers, make sure you'd always remember me."

"I'll go shower—"

"Aria, stop. I was joking, I don't mind."

"I'm sorry I woke you up."

"Stop apologizing," he replies.

"I hate doing this to you..."

"Doing what?" Ezra asks rhetorically. "Aria, you're in college. I think you're allowed to go out to a nightclub without worrying what your boyfriend thinks."

She nods slowly, looking into his eyes for a long time before finally speaking.

"And what do you think?"

Ezra lowers his brow. "About what?"

"About me going out."

"Um..." Ezra thinks carefully. "I don't mind. I mean, do I worry about dicks who spill their drinks on my girlfriend, or other guys trying something? Yeah. But I trust you, and I've been where you are, so to answer your question, I think it's great."

"It'd be better with you there..." Aria whispers, almost too quietly for Ezra to hear.

"Aria... We talked about this."

"Yeah, I know. You can't because of work," she responds dryly.

Ezra sighs. "You know I want to go out with you, Aria."

"Do you?"

"What are you talking about?"

"Do you really want to? Or are you making excuses because you're too sophisticated to be going out to clubs? Am I acting too childish for you?" she asks, mockingly.

"Aria where is this coming from? Of course I want to spend time with you!"

"I see the look in your eyes, Ezra. Every time I wake you up when I get home late I see the disappointment, the annoyance. I'm not a fool. I feel like I have to be so careful around you, as if everything I do you're looking at under a microscope."

"Yeah, okay. It's a little irritating watching you come home drunk every other night, but I told you already, it's fine. It's what happens at your age, I get it."

"Don't do that to me. Don't patronize me." Aria rolls onto her back, letting out a huff of frustration.

"Aria I wasn't—"

"It's what happens at your age? Really? Don't treat me like I'm a child, Ezra. I can handle myself, and I don't need you telling me how to act. You're older than me, I get it! Big fucking deal! Don't act like your so above me just because when I get drunk it's out with friends rather than holed up alone in my apartment," she spits out angrily.

"Aria—"

She rolls onto her side so her back is facing Ezra. "You think I can't see what you think of me? You think this is just some phase that I'll grow out of? Maybe it is, maybe it isn't. But I see it in your eyes, Ezra. The way you look at me like I'm a budding flower, waiting around until I blossom into something different. I see the sadness in your eyes. I'm sorry if this isn't what you want, but if you don't like this, then leave. I can't do this anymore, Ezra. I can't do this if you're just sitting around waiting for me to move past this stage in my life. You either support me or you don't. You can't stay and wait for me to become the person you want me to be. I can't live like that. I can't be with someone who's constantly waiting for me to change. I won't."

It takes a good fifteen minutes but eventually Ezra's arms wrap themselves around her waist, and he's grateful that she doesn't jerk away. He kisses the back of her head softly.

"I know, I'm sorry," he whispers. The 'I love you' is at the tip of his tongue but he holds it back, because for the first time since moving out of Rosewood, he's afraid she won't say it back.

Aria

I wish he were a writer. There are many great qualities about Aiden, but I just wish he were a writer. There's something so rewarding for being in love with a writer; the way their words can make your heart melt. I guess that's what I miss most about him—about Ezra. When he spoke, the world listened. Students clung to his every word as if it were a lifeline, obnoxious drunks in the back of bars became silent when he read his stories, and even my mother couldn't help but to hear him out. I miss the feeling his words gave me, because while I find myself completely happy when Aiden tells me that he loves me, it's not the same.

That isn't to say that now I wish I was with Ezra instead, because I am in love with Aiden, but every once in a while I find myself wondering what it would be like if things had worked out differently. Maybe if we'd tried harder to make things easier, to compromise, we would have made it out okay in the end. But that's not how passion works, is it? There's no room for compromise. Loving, laughing, fucking, fighting—everything's done fully, with as much emotion and feeling that can possibly be mustered in that moment. Things are done with desperation or hope, misery or joy, loathing or infatuation; there is no halfway, no in-between.

I catch myself thinking about Ezra a lot—more than I should—but it's harmless. It's just the usual "What happened?" or "What if?" that will cross my mind. I imagine that's just the price to pay for a love as deep and powerful as the one we shared. Even if we weren't always meant to be together we'll still always have that special connection, the one that follows us as we move on and reminds us not to make the same mistakes again.

We were blinded by passion—Ezra and I. We felt so strongly for each other that we ignored the clear signs of struggle until it was too late. If we'd paid more attention to the warning signs we could have seen our failure coming. Instead, one morning we woke up and realized that we weren't as happy as we should be, or deserved to be. There was only so much we could do trying to chase after what we used to have before we realized that we just weren't the same people anymore. We could never go back to the beginning of our relationship and relive that happiness.

I think that's what makes remembering him so difficult. My mind has a way of targeting only the good memories, the one's in Rosewood or when we first came to New York. Those are the dangerous memories, the one's that make me start to think what a life with Ezra would have been like, could have been like if he were here with me now. Those are the memories that make me wish we'd done something different to prevent our downfall. What I have to force myself to remember is the bad, the times that got us to where we are now—separated. Those times remind me why I'm currently wrapped up in these protective, warm arms, and in love with the man they belong to.

I hope Ezra's found someone new. I can't imagine it'd be hard for someone like him to find love in the big city. I miss him, but more I miss what we used to have. I miss what we both lost in those last months of being together. I'm smart enough to know that love like that only comes once in a lifetime, and I'm also smart enough to realize that doesn't mean it's meant to last forever. And so I'll kiss Aiden when he wakes up beside me, admiring the grey-ish color of his eyes. He'll say he loves me, and I'll say it right back, and we'll go on with our happy lives, the same way I hope Ezra goes on with his.

One Week Later

Aria wraps her arm around Aiden's as they make their way out of the theater. They've come down to New York City to finally see the broadway production of Once that Aria's been dying to go to. She cozies up against his body as they walk down the street, arm in arm, hand in hand. She does miss the city, not so much Times Square but she misses the area she used to live with Ezra—Greenwich Village. It's also the area she went to school, but most of her important memories there are all linked to Ezra anyway. She remembers the old coffee shop she used to go to all the time, mostly to study. She pulls Aiden's arm and he leans down to her so she can whisper in his ear.

They get off the subway and make their way towards the exit. She shows him the way once they get to the street level, pulling him by the hand, until eventually they reach the front of a small coffee shop. It's late but she knows all too well from her many all-nighters that this place stays open past midnight. It's primarily the reason she chose it as her favorite spot, due to the fact that everything else was closed by ten.

"So, this is where Aria Montgomery spent most of her days as an aspiring journalist in college," Aiden says as they enter the cozy building.

Aria giggles and nods. "Yup, you're looking at a good portion of my college experience right here."

Aiden scoffs as they step into line. "Please, I've heard the stories. We both know you weren't an angel who spent all of her nights studying."

"At least let me pretend that I was," she replies, grinning.

Aiden shakes his head and looks up at the menu board, trying to figure out his order. Aria of course already knows hers by heart. She takes the time to peek outside. She's always loved the winters here. Aria has always found something strangely beautiful about the seeing people's breaths puff out between their chattering teeth and chapped lips. She loves the way they float away and disappear back into the brisk air. She smiles when she sees a young couple—maybe a few years older than her and Aiden—making their way down the street. They're bodies are pressed together for warmth and they pause for a moment against the streetlight directly in front of the coffee shop's doors.

It is then that Aria realizes who it is she's been staring at. When the couple steps into the light there's no mistaking who the man is. Aria finds her breath catching in her throat—it's been so long since she's seen or heard from him. Ezra decides to take this moment to glance into the small coffee shop, only now realizing exactly where he's ended up. It's the same place that Aria used to study back when they were together. It only takes him a second longer to realize that he's also gazing into a very familiar pair of hazel eyes.

They don't stare for long, perhaps only a few seconds. It's more from the shock of seeing each other for the first time since the break up than anything else. Aria is the first to smile; it's a small yet sincere gesture, which Ezra then returns along with a subtle nod of his head. He then looks back at Brittany, who has been looking up at the star-less sky.

"Beautiful, isn't it?" Brittany says, finally tearing her eyes away and looking back at Ezra, who has nothing but adoration in his eyes.

As Aria and Aiden make their way up the line—which is always busy since it is one of the only coffee shops open this late—Aria finds herself taking a few more curious glances Ezra's way, and he does the same. Ezra looks genuinely happy, and so does Aria, and they both find comfort in the closure they've just received. Aria doesn't have to wonder if Ezra's found someone new anymore, and Ezra knows that Aria has the happiness she deserves.

This encounter—if you could even call it that—doesn't last for more than a minute. Ezra and Brittany eventually begin walking again and Aria and Aiden get their coffee and take a seat on the couch. Still, perhaps if the former lovers had paid just a little bit more attention, they would have realized the differences in the other's expressions.

Maybe Aria would have noticed that when Ezra laughed, seemingly with all his heart, at something Brittany said, there wasn't a small crease in the corner of each of his eyes the way there used to be when she was with him. Maybe Ezra would have noticed that Aria's smile, while still lighting up the room, didn't shine quite as bright as it used to when he was with her. Maybe they both would have noticed that, while they each looked at their new significant others with love in their eyes, the looks they used to give each other were far more powerful.

Aria and Ezra may not have had complete happiness when they were together, but they had something. Something irreplaceable—locked away in a world of the forgotten, along with their teenage hearts.