Last chapter. We have so many mixed feelings right now, but we'll save the goodbyes for down below.

Chapter 8- Week 8
or
I Write Retellings of a Not-a-Date, Not Love Letters

Dear Evans,

Well.

That was a veritable disaster.

I'm so sorry. Are you okay? You didn't get in trouble with your mum did you? I know you said you had to be home by four and I brought you back... three hours later than that. I'm sorry. I really hope you don't get punished because of my stupidity. (It won't be the first time.) (That was a lame attempt at a joke; again, I'm sorry.)

If it makes you feel better my mum can't shut up about you. You didn't have to come with me to get my arm fixed, you know. I'm a big boy. I can handle a broken arm for an hour or so. Merlin knows I've gotten worse. She's been saying all sorts of things. 'Oh that Lily is so lovely.' 'She's gotten prettier since that fleeting moment on the platform when I saw her last.' 'How is it that she manages to put up with you, I'll never understand, James.' 'Isn't she such a darling, Sirius?'

Sirius on the other hand is not talking to me. He's a tad bit upset that I snuck out to go to Diagon Alley with you without telling him. When I turned around and said that it was because he would show up with an arm full of cauldron cakes to spy on up he scoffed and said, 'I'm not thick enough to sabotage your date with Evans; she'd curse my bollocks off if I even dared.'

Two things came out of that little statement.

1. Why is my best mate more afraid of a tiny redhead who barely brushes his chin than me, the same bloke who broke his arm last week?

2. After I told him that it most certainly was not a date (last I checked dates require some sort of romantic interaction; you spent the entire day calling me a git- well, except for that last hour when you saved my life but that's neither here nor there) he rolled his eyes and said some very unkind things about me, you, and me and you as a collective.

(His arm may or may not be broken again.)

(Mum may or not have threatened to break my arms once more.)

It seems as though anything and everything that could have gone wrong did go wrong. I mean, that's the busiest the Leaky Cauldron has ever been in years. We couldn't even find ruddy seats and had to settle for a muggle cafe (which was surprisingly pleasant by the way) where you had to pay because I'm the blighter who doesn't walk with muggle money at all.

Mum heard about that (me not paying) and practically abused me with a copy of that day's Prophet. I think it accidentally slipped out of my mouth while I was moaning and groaning about how catastrophic things went and she rolled up the newspaper and thwack! Right across the back of the head. 'Didn't I teach you to always pay for a lady, James Potter? What kind of son do you think you are?' Thwack. Thwack. Thwack.

Sirius was laughing his arse off across the room despite his broken arm. So now I have a headache (thanks mum, the maternal love is just overpowering) as well as a stupid broken arm. See? Absolute disaster yesterday was.

Not to mention the rain.

That definitely put a bit of a damper on things.

Or a rather large damper on things since I was drenched to the bone after that little downpour. You were too, come to think of it. No offence, Evans, but you looked like a drenched cat when wet. A drenched cat that would probably claw out my eyes for that comment.

Er... you're a pretty looking drenched cat?

I'm digging my own grave here, aren't I? You really need to learn how to shut up, Potter.

Pulling my foot out of my mouth now, thank you for inviting me. It was unexpectedly enlightening. After several rows, three threats of dismemberment and one slap I think I get the picture now. I can do this Head thing. As long as pretty redheads that go by the name of Lily Evans are there at my side to help me out with it.

You won't rest until I've properly Headed for you, isn't that right love?

I feel as though I'm slowly inching my way back in to the 'I'm going to kill you next time I see you' category with all of these stupid (albeit funny- come on, you know you laughed) comments. Please don't do that. Who else is going to do Head with you if you kill me?

All right. Stopping now, I swear.

I know it sounds stupid since I saw you only yesterday, but I miss you. You certainly lived up to your promise of whispering naughty things in my ear. Don't tell Sirius this (he'll kick me out of my own house, he'll write the other Marauders and they'll kick me out of their houses and the dormitory too) but I can't remember the last time I laughed so much because of one person. You really are something Lily Evans. Something amazing and special and should never believe what those fucking twats told you yesterday.

Had the time of his life despite the fact that it was a complete fucking disaster,
James

Dear Potter,

If you seriously think that I spared those morons a second thought (all right, a third thought) then you're wrong.

I've been dealing with that kind of shite for the past year and a half. I don't know about you, but the shock of being called 'Mudblood' every five seconds has sort of worn off, oh, about a month after it started.

Not going to lie though; it was a right catastrophe yesterday. Rain, no space in the Leaky Cauldron (if you had dared insulted that cafe I would have insulted your face. And by insult your face I mean punch you straight in the fucking nose. It's one of my favourite places ever to visit) and pureblood fascists to top it off.

At least you bought me ice cream. Ice cream made it better, although marginally so.

My mum wasn't mad at me reaching home late. Well, she was a bit at first but thank god you were there because the moment she set eyes on you all of that went out the window. You have a use after all it seems. Next time she catches me breaking into the liquor cabinet you'll apparate to my house and pull me out of trouble, right love? Smile at her, bat your eyelashes, praise her cake, I don't really care what you do to distract her so long as she's no longer on my case for nicking a bottle of whiskey. Muggle whiskey is way better than Firewhiskey. Properly distract her and maybe I'll give you some to taste. Maybe. I'm rather stingy when it comes to my alcohol.

Is your arm all right? You were sobbing like a little baby when he broke it. You needn't defend me you know. I can handle myself. And even if you do choose to defend me, there's this little thing called magic. Rather handy thing I've heard. Much easier than socking someone straight in the jaw, especially when the someone has four other wizards backing him up and those four other wizards are much larger than me any day.

My mum can't shut up about you either. Once again you're driving Petunia mad without being here. I knew there had to be at least one good reason why I hang out around you. 'That James is so handsome!' 'He's such a polite, young man, Lily.' 'At least there's someone out there who you haven't scared off with that temper of yours.' Blah blah blah.

She meets you for five minutes (if so much) and it's all she's been able to talk about ever since.

Because of your impromptu visit, it sent her a bit off kilter and she didn't notice that I was wearing your jumper when I snuck up to my room, thank Merlin for that. I can only imagine what she might have said. Petunia on the other hand did notice and now thinks that we're shagging. I did nothing to dissuade this rumour. She was eyeing you from the kitchen while you were speaking to mum by the way. Yes Tuney. That is how normal boys look. However, I need you to back up and stop mentally undressing my mate with your eyes. Stick to your Vernon, sis. I'm ninety nine percent sure that James wants nothing to do with you, my magic hating sister.

I think I may have even fuelled the fire a bit with a little passing remark about how wonderful you are. Don't let it get to your head.

Of course Sirius is afraid of me. You're afraid of me too. All four of you boys are afraid of me and I live off your fear.

Your mum is the sweetest person ever and I refuse to believe that you got hit in any shape or form with the newspaper. How could someone so nice produce a terror of a child like you? I'm not sure if you remember as you were too busy crying into my shirt (you are such a baby sometimes; I know for a fact that you've gotten worse through quidditch) but she was telling me of the time you thought it would be funny to stand on your broomstick and fly through the house. I can picture baby James doing just that and it's a rather funny (and all right, cute) sight. Tell me, do you still have a scar the shape of the curtain rod end on your arse?

I didn't really mind the rain all that much. I love rain. When I was younger I used to sneak out to play in the garden during rain showers. Mum was always furious because she was afraid that I'd get pneumonia or something. What I don't like about the rain is when my clothes start sticking to my skin and becoming see-through. That's not nice the slightest. Thanks again for lending me your jumper. I'll return that (as well as the Transfiguration text you loaned me) on the train. Oh Merlin, Jillian is going to have a field day with that, isn't she? Lily Evans walking through the Hogwarts' Express holding James Potter's jumper in one hand and his book in the other.

If word of that gets around then not only my sister is going to think we've been getting up to no good.

I do think it's rather unavoidable though, as Sirius already saw me in it when I showed up, sopping wet in the fireplace and clutching onto your non broken arm. He's probably penned letters to Remus, Peter, Jillian and Mary already and they're discussing wedding colours. Merlin. What did we do to get stuck with such barmy ones for friends?

Glad to know that I've finally set your head on straight. I can assure you that by the time I'm finished with you, you'll be doing Head as though you've been doing it your entire life. Chew on that will you.

I miss you too. Petunia doesn't understand my witticisms and snarky tendencies while I certainly can't tell mum any dirty jokes. Five more days until I see you again. Think you can hold out that long without any of this, Potter?

Enjoyed herself too,
Lily.

Dear Lily,

See, that's the sad thing, innit? That you've become completely desensitised towards all of that shite.

Yeah, it was a right fucking catastrophe, but a good one. Well, besides the whole 'breaking my arm thing and getting attacked by a bunch of arseholes.' We should do this again when we head back out to school. I'm pretty sure that we won't have to worry about people intent on doing you in back in Hogsmeade. I mean, there's the Slytherins, but I think they know well enough to leave us alone by now, especially after that little prank at the end of last year. Not to mention all those times you landed them in the Hospital Wing.

It's safe to say that they're a tad bit afraid of us. We make quite a team, don't we? I hope you live off of their fear like you do with Sirius and mine's.

I'm making a list of things that make Lily Evans happy. So far I have chocolate, ice cream and books that aren't on the curriculum syllabus. This is just in case I happen to piss you off by accident during the school term. You're quite right in stating that Sirius and I are afraid of you. You can be very scary when angry. Pretty, but scary.

I'm also making another list entitled 'things to do with Lily Evans.' Carry you to an actual quidditch match, teach you how to write properly, prank the Slytherins (with that handy little spell you were telling me about all those weeks ago) and do general rule breaking across the school.

All Evans women like me. What can I say? I'm a charmer. So long as you share whatever it is you're stealing (two months ago I would have never thought that you would be stealing anything, much less alcohol; now however I simply raise my eyebrows slightly because I can honestly see you doing that just for the kick of it) I'll be more than happy to chat up your mum.

Petunia was staring at me, eh? Pity I didn't catch a glimpse of her. I could have some real fun if I did. Sadly, you must inform your sister dearest that I'm already woefully in love with another Evans woman who refuses to acknowledge my affections: your mum. Sorry, love, she's won my heart with her baking skills.

Keep the jumper; I've got loads. Besides, blue looks better on you than on me. Moving away from articles of clothing you may have come to have in your possession, tell me more about this shagging business. Did we finally meet up in Knockturn Alley and you taught me how to Head? How did I miss this new development? I have half the mind to apparate to your place and leave you a few of my t shirts as well. In fact, I should drop a pair of boxers off too. She'll have a coronary.

Lily Evans you utter slag you; inviting unsuspecting boys over to your house just to shag them. The shame.

Someone is amazingly self aware, aren't they? Yes, you are indeed rather scary which is why Sirius and I try to be on our best behaviour around you. Bloody hell, did McGonagall teach you how to glare like that? It's a right fright at times.

I was not crying like a little baby. That was just water on my face from the rain. I don't cry. I was merely showing you that I am warm and cuddly as you wanted to find out last week. And I was leaning against your shoulder for Merlin's sake. I was completely knackered. Who wouldn't be dead on their feet after spending a day like that only for it to end with you barely escaping death thanks to a feisty redhead and her quick wand?

As for the scar on my arse, why don't you find that out for yourself. Maybe then I won't have to 'accidentally' leave a pair of boxers at your house.

Sirius did point that out- you in my jumper, I mean. I don't know if he's written to the other gits and even if he did, who honestly cares what they say? Let them run rampant I say. I know I'm not snogging you (or getting up to any other sorts of things) and I'm pretty sure you know that too, so I figure we just go about as normal while the rest of the school speculates on whether or not we've been using the Head offices to, ahem, practice Heading.

I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good whenever it comes to you, love. You're just going to have to deal with that.

Thank you again for your pep talks and I look forward to being roughed up as you teach me how to Head. Normally I'd take the piss of you counting down the days until you see me again (oh all right, I know you're just counting down until the first but let a bloke dream all right) except that I've been doing the exact same thing since we came back from Diagon Alley the first time. I think I can manage to hold out for (now) four more days. When mixed with you, my patience is infinite.

Misses you more,
James.

Dear James,

If we do go to Hogsmeade together, Sirius and they will have a field day. They'll probably walk around behind us, munching on popcorn and taking detailed notes on how often we breathe just to send to our mums. In fact, if muggle devices worked at Hogwarts, I'm fairly certain that Mary would have video tapped the entire thing. (A video tape is like an extended version of wizarding photography. Next time you come over to my house- in which we will not be shagging like my sister believes- I'll show you one. Perhaps Mary Poppins as that's one of my most favourite films ever.)

I do live off their fear, but I have to admit, I rather not run into all of them in the middle of the night. I believe the last words Wilkes said to me before we got on the train last term were 'Next time you cross my path I'll break your fucking neck, Mudblood.' What a charmer that one is. I'm positively swooning.

We need to start planning that prank. I can't wait. I'm so excited. I've never done anything like this before (although I'm sure you know that.) Yeah, the girls and I have done our fair share of mischief making in the past (remember in third year when your bag snapped at you whenever you reached into it? That was my own spell work) but never anything of this magnitude. Luckily for me, I'm working with the some of the best pranksters Hogwarts has ever seen. Be gentle with me, dear, it's my first time. Don't make me regret it.

Don't shove your head up your arse. 'All Evans women like me.' Pah! As if. I certainly do not like you one bit. Maybe you've managed to delude my mum and sister into thinking you're so fabulous, but not me. Nope. I've not been affected by the Potter Plague.

Okay, maybe I've been infected a little.

Just a little teensy weensy bit.

All right, fine. You're my mate, I've been full on infected for over a month now, and I am going to die a horrible tragic death due to expanding head syndrome. Goodbye friends. I'll see you on the other side.

In all honesty I do have half the mind to keep it. It's rather comfortable to sleep in. It's not fair that boys get all the comfortable clothes that actually do their job of being proper clothing (i.e. not allowing the entire world to see your undergarments when wet) while girls have to buy two and three tops just to get the desired effect. And you're right; blue is fantastic colour on me.

The only downside of me cavorting through my house in your clothes is that mum saw me in it last night (I still don't understand why she would have thought that she left her slippers in my room) and decided to give me the dreaded talk. I am never touching a boy again. I am off to a convent to become a nun or whatever it is that people in convents do because if I even hold hands with a boy I can hear all of those terrible, terrible analogies. My mind is scarred, James. If you hold any forms of affection in your heart for me whatsoever, you'll Obliviate me at the next chance you get.

Petunia for her part was definitely laughing her arse off in the hallway. During the course of that conversation I heard several horse-like neighs that could only come from my sister. That's really rich considering that she's the one with the boyfriend and I'm not. If anything, mum should be giving her the lecture on why having sex will lead to death. Honestly, I'm pretty sure any child I ever have (or not have as I'm about to begin my life of chastity) is not going to lead to my inevitable demise. That's just plain ridiculous.

No, I distinctly remember you crying and trying to crush my hand while your mum was healing your arm. And then you fell asleep on top of me while your mum went to fetch us some tea. You really know how to charm a girl, don't you Potter. Almost got me killed, made me pay for lunch and then dropped asleep (while still soaking wet, mind you) right on top of my shoulder before sliding down to my lap. How is it that you're not more of a ladies' man, I'll never know.

If by finding about that scar you mean that I can pants you in front the entire Great Hall, then yes. That would please me greatly.

You're welcome. Finally you stopped being a spineless ninny. Three days until we head off to the train. I'm so excited!

Not going to doubt that,
Lily

Dear Lily,

I know how to get them off our backs: snog right in front of them for a good five minutes or so. They'll be stunned beyond belief and then we can head off to Hogsmeade. What do you say?

Don't mind me here, just trying to figure out a way that I can feed Wilkes to the Giant Squid without getting in too much trouble. So far the plan I've come up with involves an Elation Elixir, a couple hundred smoking salamanders and one of those muggle water toy things that floats. As for the prank, I can't wait on that. You'll have the experience of a life time. No one else can possibly even begin to compare to me- and the other Marauders of course. I make sure your transition from prank virgin to prank slag as easy and detention less as possible. You certainly won't regret it.

So you're the one I have to blame for those scars around my wrist. I'll concede, it was a rather impressive display of magic, but bloody hell that hurt a lot. I couldn't play quidditch properly for an entire week. I will get my revenge on you, Evans. I will. You have been warned.

You've been infected with Potter Plague. Oh ha, ha, ha. Very funny. Stop, my sides hurt.

Since you've gone and used my jumper as a sleep shirt then you should just keep it and get it over with. It's been tainted with your femininity forever. There's nothing I can do to save it now. It's gone.

(Blue does look fantastic on you, by the way. Such a shame we weren't in Ravenclaw, then you would look amazing while you cheer me on from the quidditch stands. Not that you don't look amazing in the Gryffindor colours, I mean. It's just that I know how you always complain about it clashing with your hair and such. You look amazing in that too, don't worry. In fact, you look amazing in everything even if you're not in clothes. I mean- I'm shoving my foot down my mouth again, aren't I? I need to learn how to shut up.)

I got that talk a year ago and back then I thought that I would remain the complexion of a tomato forever. I think it says in the how to guide about parenting that you must turn your teenager off of all things dirty by any means possible. I will Obliviate you if that's what you want, but in exchange you have to promise to not go lock yourself up in some convent somewhere because first off I'll miss you and secondly, you'll probably get kicked out in the first fifteen minutes by saying something wildly inappropriate. I'm also fairly sure that the consequences of them finding you sleeping in a boy's shirt are much direr than what you were faced with from your mum.

I thought you didn't want to think about your sister doing the unmentionable with her boyfriend? You're sending me mixed signals here, Evans, although by now I guess I should be used to it. Did she really say that having a baby automatically means death? If that were to ever happen, I'd personally like to meet that baby because it sounds wicked.

No it does not mean that you can embarrass me in front of the entire school. Merlin, you've got quite a vicious streak don't you.

Am not a spineless ninny,
James

P.S: Two and a half days left until we return. How shall we break the news of our friendship to everyone?

Dear James,

No.

Only you can allude pranking to sex, honestly. That must be some sort of crazy gift. Dirty minded git. If you are going to go through with your plan to feed Wilkes to the Giant Squid, then I'll be happy to help. The squid and I have broken up our short lived, yet passionate affair as he was jealous of another man in my life spending so much time with me. However, I'm sure I can talk him in to consuming that tosser. Will work on this as well as prank when we get to school.

Oh boo hoo. You're bluffing. Besides, you wouldn't dare try to get revenge on me. While you were drooling onto my lap, your mum exchanged several stories of your youth and promised to show me pictures next time I visit (I take it this means you'll be bringing me to your castle once more, although this time I hope that we're not dripping wet nor reeling from the aftershocks of a near death experience.) Get your revenge and I'll let those stories slip to the entire school. And pants you in front of them to show off the scar on your bum.

Good. I'm keeping the jumper. Just remember that you agreed to give it to me whenever you're looking for it. No take backs. This is mine now. I'm coating it in the aura of my femininity as we speak. Meaning that I'm just wearing that alone- I've just woken up, don't judge me- and it's already begun to lose its James smell and is beginning to smell like my shampoo. So unless you want to smell like Lily Evans all the time, then I suggest you leave me be.

(Sweetheart, your entire leg is in your mouth. Both legs actually.)

All right, fine, I won't head off to a convent because no dirty jokes or comfortable shirts to sleep in? That's not my kind of life.

I'm going to ignore that sentence because if I don't I will stab you repeatedly with a blunt knife in places that should not be stabbed. Just think of it as you never being able to have children, okay? Speaking of children, babies are dangerous but I don't believe that they pose any sort of life threatening danger. What are they going to do? Drown you in their drool?

You are a spineless ninny with crap handwriting,
Lily

P.S: You can prance around the Slytherins, stating that you spent your entire summer with a mudblood.

P.P.S: I just had to include that jab about your handwriting in there. For old time's sake.

Dear Lils,

Yes, it is a gift. Although you're the one who started it with all this 'be gentle, it's my first time,' business. Glad to know that you're onboard with helping me get rid of that wanker once and for all. My curiosity is peaked. Tell me, who is this man in your life that caused you to break up- so sorry about that by the way, would you like me to send you condolence ice cream?- with your one true love?

You play dirty. I'm going to have a strongly worded conversation with my mother about letting my secrets slip to you. She's just giving you blackmail material. I'm already your slave, how much more indebted to you can I be? Also, I do not drool when I sleep. Your lap is rather comfortable though and you must have relished the feel of having my head on there. Have I proved to you as yet that I am warm and cuddly?

Good, I don't want the jumper back. It's yours forever. And I don't think I can fit my entire leg in my mouth. I'm not quite that flexible.

See? This exact kind of behaviour is why you won't last a day in a convent. From now on I'll be wearing my quidditch gear around you since I rather not be stabbed in those places as I would like to populate the earth with a few more baby Potters before I die- be them murderer babies or not.

You don't understand what a truce is, do you? Because I'm the bigger person, I'm not going to say anything about your handwriting. Just a bit over one more day until you see my shining face again. I've started packing and it's a right nightmare. I have too much clothes. Perhaps I should give you some.

That plan sounds great so long as you accompany me in the prancing,
James

Dear James

Not telling you who he is. That's a secret that I and I alone know the answer to. Sorry, love. Condolence ice cream is not needed. We both knew it was a long time coming. Our love could have never lasted.

Face it, your mum likes me more than you (didn't I tell you that already?) Now you can never escape me as I have sufficient blackmail to last for years to come. You have not proved to me that you are warm and cuddly, no. You'll do this tomorrow on the train. I'll use you as a pillow this time for my mid train ride nap. I suspect Mary's been getting a bit uncomfortable with me cuddling with her so you're just going to have to deal with it now.

Well I am very flexible. Just throwing that out there.

Merlin you're right; I can never last in a convent. Also, I think if any babies were to be murderers, it would be little Potter babies. I mean, have you met yourself? You're a right terror. Imagine a kid having you for a dad. Poor sod'll have terrible hair yeah, but he might also achieve world domination before he's potty trained so that's always good.

How about I wear your jumper and the two of us will prance around the Slytherins announcing our newfound friendship? I think that's a brilliant idea. I was packing too, that's why it took so long for this letter to arrive. Tell Wrock I'm sorry about making him wait. And I will welcome any clothes you give me with open arms because they are very much comfortable to sleep in.

Save me a seat on the train tomorrow, yeah?

Love,
Lily

~Fin~

Well, this is it. The end. It's been a fun eight weeks. Thank you, thank you, thank you to everyone who took the time to read, review, favourite and alert this story. It means so much to us, especially considering that we never expected to get over fifty reviews, much less break one hundred, so that's always squeal worthy. Hugs and kisses all around to everyone who made that possible.

Some people have been asking for sequels and spinoffs and such, but we highly doubt that that would happen. What might happen though is that Nai may probably do a oneshot on the actual pseudo-date that those two twats went on. Probably. If she feels up to it. You can check out her tumblr (link on profile) for the when's and where's if it comes to that.

Thank you guys once more!

Lot's of love,
Nai and Tish xoxo

:D