A/N: Ok so this is gonna be as low as it's gonna get concerning Castle for the most part, and it will be mostly uphill from here. I hope you guys are still enjoying this and we haven't pushed ya'll away.

Sorry for such a long delay again!

He couldn't control the sob that ripped from his chest as he sank back down against the wall of the alley, which has now become his home, the pain too much to contain. He manages to recede deeper into the crevice before he completely breaks down, trying to hide from the prying eyes of passing people.

It was a foolish hope to think that they would let him back in, but somehow he had gotten it into his head that he had a chance. Really, it was her that would not let him in. Meredith. The women with whom he had the stupid one-night stand with eight years ago that had produced his beautiful little girl. And now, because of something that was not even his fault, she refused to let him see her.

He had gone that morning, right after Kate's morning visit. He had felt so damn good for once in his life. He did not know why she started to visit him every day, breakfast and lunch, barring the few times she would miss an occasional lunch due to work, but he loved those visits, came to look forward to them. And maybe it was that that inspired the confidence in him to go confront Meredith, ask her to see his daughter that he had not seen in close to five months. But she had steadfastly refused, her stubborn, precocious nature preventing her from granting him any sort of reprieve.

So now he is sitting here, crouched in utter despair and defeat, the truth of it finally sinking in that he may have lost her forever.

He does not hear her approach, but when he hears her call his name, he refuses to lift his head. He cannot face her today, cannot let her see how truly of a mess he is. But when he feels her gentle touch at his knee and the tentative call of his name, he cannot hold it in anymore and it all spills from his lips.

"They won't let me see her, Kate. They won't let me see her."

The absolute despair in his eyes and the broken quality of his voice is like a punch to the gut, and she cannot understand what could be the cause of it.

"Rick, what do you mean? Who's not letting you see whom?" She asks calmly, trying to keep her voice steady to calm him down enough to explain what is going on. "Please, Rick, talk to me."

He shakes is head and squeezes his eyes shut, taking deep, ragged breaths as the tears course down his cheeks. She is floored by how much she just wants to reach out and hug him, to just pull him into her embrace to try to give him some sort of comfort. But she knows that would take it too far and would give the potential for him to retreat even more at her sudden affection. Instead she dares to reach out her hand and cup his cheek, lifting his head to meet his eyes. "It's okay, you can tell me." She says, trying to convey with her eyes that she genuinely cares. He swallows hard, holding eye contact for a few seconds before he slowly nods his head in concession, reaching up to grip her hand with his own.

"I – I have a daughter, Alexis," he whispers on a shaky breath. "She's seven and she – we – used to live together at this shelter down in the Bronx, her, her mother, and I. Her mother was always flighty and Alexis wasn't planned, but, you know, she noticed me and we had this fling and Alexis came out of it, so we stayed to try to raise this daughter. And I know that conditions weren't the best for a child and Meredith was more absent than there but we did the best we could and I loved Alexis so much. She was the light of my life you know?" he gives a self-deprecating smile and takes a breath. She gives him the time he needs, gently stroking her thumb at his cheekbone in encouragement.

"But then, about five months ago, there was this expensive piece of jewelry that Meredith had that got stolen and I had happened to get a lot of money in tips from the job that I had at the time so of course she accused me of stealing it and pawning it off for cash. And not really having anyway to prove otherwise, they kicked me out and I got fired from my job. And she was so furious with me that she forbid me to ever see her again, saying that I didn't deserve her." His voice cracks as a few more tears slip down his cheeks. "I thought that after all this time that she would have forgiven me but…" he shakes his head, unable to finish the statement and he looks so hopeless and lost that it breaks her heart all over again.

"Oh, Rick, that's – that's awful I am so so sorry." She whispers, completely unsure now of what she is supposed to say or how to make it better. The one idea that pops into her head is probably not nearly enough and she is not quite sure she is ready to share it yet. But he had just bared his soul to her and it would only be fair for her to return the gesture. Trust for trust.

"I can't – I don't know if this helps at all but, I can understand part of what you're feeling.

"A hardened look crosses his face, and it's the first time that she has ever seen that emotion from him but it only hardens her resolve to tell him. "How can you possibly understand what this is like?" he bites out.

She sighs and looks him in the eyes. "I don't. Not completely. But I do know loss."

His eyes soften slightly as looks of confusion and interest cross his face. "What do you mean?"

"A few years ago –", she closes her eyes and takes a breath, "A few years ago my mother was murdered. Stabbed in an alley much like this one." She sees the shock in his eyes and he is about to open his mouth to say something but she continues before her will disappears. "We were supposed to meet her for dinner, my dad and I, but she never showed. We went home a few hours later thinking that she must have gotten busy and forgotten. But when we arrived, there was this detective waiting. He told us that she had been killed. They only kept the investigation open for a few days before they decided to attribute it to gang violence and the killer was never caught. But we knew that wasn't right. All her money and jewelry were still there, but they just ignored every plea to continue, simply saying that there was nothing more they could do." She comes to the end of her story and she has to close her eyes to stem the emotion that is threatening to swell up within her. This wasn't about her. This was about giving him a piece of her, letting him know that he is not alone.

He studies her for a while, his bright blue eyes shimmering with gratefulness and some other emotion that she can't name. "Thank you," he rasps "for sharing that with me." He removes her hand from his face, squeezing it lightly before letting it go.

She gives him a small smile. "I know it's not going to really fix anything but…just know that I understand."

He's quiet for a while and she lets him have a moment. After a while he speaks again. "It may not be able to fix it but…it's nice to know I'm not alone, and that means a lot to me." He looks like he wants to say something more but he remains quiet, eventually breaking eye contact, shifting his eyes to stare at his hands that are now resting limp in his lap.

They sit in silence for a long time, the burgers now forgotten and cold beside them. She knows she should get back to work but she cannot just leave him here like this alone.

"Is there anything I can do? Anything you need? Anything at all?" She asks quietly, desperate to take his pain away. She had long stopped asking where this deep seeded care came from, admitting to herself that she just did.

He looks at her sadly, giving her a joyless smile as he shakes her head. "No, what you've done already is enough, there's nothing more you can do."

"Okay," she murmurs. She checks her phone and then blows out a breath. She should have been back at the precinct half an hour ago and the boys are texting her asking her where she is.

"Do you have to go?" He asks.

"Yeah, I do. I'm sorry," she sighs, and even she can hear the regret in her voice.

"It's okay, I understand. You've been here a long time. I'm sorry I kept you and made you listen to my problems."

"No." she says quickly. "Don't apologize for needing a friend."

The smile he gives her this time, though small, is genuine and she feels the tightness in her grip loosen ever so slightly. "I do really have to go. But I promise I'll be back tomorrow, just like always." She sees his shoulders relax a little bit, the tension in his body releasing at her promise like he was really worried he had pushed her away after this. But it had only strengthened her resolve to help him.

She does not even think before placing a light kiss on his forehead as she stands to leave and the look of surprise and gratitude on his face is enough to fuel her through the long trek back to the precinct.

He had never felt more ashamed in his life, he thinks, when he unleashes his heart to her and how pathetic it makes him sound and how totally screwed up his life really is. But once again, she had been so understanding of him and so compassionate. She had shared her own story with him. Her mother had been murdered and the killer was never caught. He did not even begin to understand it or how she was able to move past it. She seemed so confident. But he meant it when he said that it made him feel less alone – knowing someone else had similar pain made it a little bit better somehow, and he knows that sounds mean and he would never wish that kind of pain on someone like her. But it helps him see that people's lives run deeper than what they appear to be. It's something he's always known but it's never been as important to him as it is now.

He was feeling so unequal compared to her before, her giving him so much and him having nothing to give in return. And now he feels that they have some sort of equal ground. It's only a small comfort, but it's something he will try to hold onto because God knows he does not have much to hold onto now.

He wanted to ask Kate so badly for her to go to the shelter, use her badge or something to convince Meredith to at least let him see her. Even for just one more time. But he knows that he cannot ask that of her, knows it's an abuse of her power. But most of all it's because she has done so much for him already for no reason at all. And he cannot bring himself to ask her that question either. Why?

He wishes that she were still here, her presence the only thing capable of keeping away the aching darkness that was threatening to swallow him whole. He holds onto her promise of tomorrow and he can still feel the ghost of her kiss on his forehead and it is such a strange comfort because of how intimate and caring it was. How genuine.

So many thoughts and emotions tumble through him that he has to get them out. He takes out the small journal he keeps with him and just writes. Writes of Alexis, of his confusion - of her. He writes anything and everything that will come to his mind until the words run dry. But it does not keep him from falling asleep with a heavy heart because he is not sure if there is a way that she could ever fix the new hole that has been bored into his heart.

"What took you so long, boss?" Espo asks with a smirk as she rushes through the doors of the twelfth just a little past one.

"Just had something come up that I had to deal with." She dismisses quickly, not really wanting to get into it with the boys at the moment.

"Woah, are you okay?" Ryan asks with concern, obviously sensing her distress.

"Nothing you need to worry about," she clips. They look taken aback and confused at her sudden harshness and she sighs. "I'll tell you about it sometime but not right now. Let's just get back to the case. What have you guys got?"

They nod, conceding to the fact that she is not going to talk and they leave the topic alone, filling her in on the double homicide that they had been working on over the past few days. They were getting absolutely nowhere with it and the captain was threatening to close it down if they did not find anything solid within the next two days. And that just made her even more stressed. Not to mention the added sadness that fell heavy on her heart when she told him of her mother, but that was not important.

She was able to push Rick to the back of her head as they ran down lead after lead, each one leading them to even more nothing and by the end of the day, she was just emotionally drained.

When she finally trudges into her apartment at around eight that night, she collapses on the couch with exhaustion and everything she was holding at the back of her mind suddenly floods to the forefront of her mind. What the hell was she supposed to do? She knew he was in a terrible position but she had absolutely no idea that it was like this. Losing a daughter to something that was not even his fault. Of course, he could be lying but there was something about him that just made her seem to trust what he was saying. And the part of her that is always wanting to seek justice and solace for people was running strong through her veins.

She picks up her phone and pulls up the internet. She searches for the shelter he mentioned he was staying at. She finds it and pulls up its number. She hesitates for a moment, her finger hovering over the screen for a few seconds, briefly wondering if she is overstepping, before she finally pushes 'call.'

"Hi, this is Detective Kate Beckett with the NYPD. May I speak to the person in charge?"

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