An Unexpected Road Trip

The World is Not in Your Books and Maps

Summary: Professor Bramble Baggins is happy teaching folklore and linguistics at Hobbiton University and has no need of adventures, thank you. When Gandalf arrives on her doorstep with a pack of Dwarves and a deal she can't refuse, she rushes into one of the strangest road trips across America from her little university town of Hobbiton in Indiana, to the Last Homely House of the Cumberland Gap, and to the Misty Mountains of the Carolinas. Modern AU, Fem!Bilbo, and Bagginshield.

Beta is the terrific TriciaOakenshield on .

A/N: Bramble inspired by notbecauseofvictories on Tumblr for her Angel Coulby photo set. Special thanks to The Hobbit Movies on Google+ recommended by for transcripts for the films.

Chapter I: A Lecture on Dragons

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Thorin Oakenshield did not entirely trust Gandalf, but he had researched Professor Baggins extensively enough that he felt somewhat comfortable asking her for help. She was working on her doctorate in Folklore with a thesis on Dwarf folktales and their connections with folktales of other cultures. The Hobbit had been working on her thesis for two years already since there was so little available to non-Dwarves. Professor Baggins had been teaching at Hobbiton University since her undergraduate years and already had a doctorate in Hobbit History. She was the dragon folklore expert in the Western Lands, only to be rivaled by elven professors in the Old Eastern Lands across the Atlantic. Admittedly, she was the only one on the continent, but Thorin could not be choosy as he was in desperate need of her expertise.

It was because of this Thorin was trying to sit in on a lecture of Professor Baggins. He could not find his way around the campus, though it was among the smaller universities he had visited. After asking for directions twice, Thorin entered into a small, empty theater with about a hundred seats. After trying three seats, Thorin realized all of the seats were either broken or were made of sinking cushions. He sat in the back and pulled out the sliding desk top at the side of his chair.

A barefoot woman carrying a large stack of papers and books practically danced into the room as she bobbed her head to the music on her I-Pod. She slapped the stack she was carrying on a table at the front of the room along with a computer bag, a brown jacket, and brown high-heeled shoes.

"Oye, you!" the woman said, pointing at Thorin, "You know the rule: first in sits in the front row for shoe duty."

"What?" Thorin said.

The woman pulled out her ear buds. "Have you honestly not been paying any attention in these classes, sir?"

"Seeing as this is the first time I have been on this campus, no, I have not," Thorin said.

"Oooh," the woman said as she looked properly horrified, "I am so sorry. This class is a blow-off basic course so I don't get to know my students very well. I am so sorry for being rude. I can go fetch you some tea or…"

"Apology accepted," Thorin said, "Nothing else is necessary."

The woman sighed in relief. "Thank you. I am sorry to give such a bad first impression of Hobbiton University." She walked to the back of the room and held out her hand. "Professor Baggins at your service."

"Um… Thor Foster at yours," Thorin said as he shook the Hobbit's hand. She had a good grip and her hand had just the right amount of heat.

"Pleasure to meet you. Now if you will excuse me, I am going to be fighting with the blasted projector," Professor Baggins said.

Thorin did not realize people actually skipped around a room instead of walking past the age of five.

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The students arrived within the next five minutes. Most were barefoot like their professor. It was a jolly group of Hobbits who laughed and spoke on cheery topics such as the most recent engagements, the latest movie, or the last lacrosse game. They all became silent almost exactly at the time class started without prompting from their professor.

"Alright, time to return test grades." Professor Baggins turned back tests to students as she called out their names. "I am disappointed in the essays on the different languages of elves and how they developed. Truly horrifying things were in these tests, let me tell you."

Professor Baggins flipped off the main lights in the room and began her PowerPoint. "The Great Worms of the North: A Brief History of Dragons".

Thorin resisted slamming his head against the desk. Of course the day he came would be about dragons.

Baggins began a round of questioning of her students. "Quick recap: what distinguishes the different races of Middle-Earth we have discussed so far? You, ginger with the lovely green vest. Elves."

"Um… they can live for thousands of years," the boy said, "They are the First-Born. Very pretty. Um… their magic is generally nature based with a particular slant towards healing and some can even communicate telepathically. They don't have many children."

"Very good. Name?" Professor Baggins took down the student's name. "Okay, Dwarves. You in the purple shirt and green skirt."

"Um… they all have beards, even the women?" the girl said.

Professor Baggins looked ready to snap a retort before taking several deep breaths. "Dwarves, elves, Men, and Hobbits all basically look the same. They are generally between slightly under five feet and a little over six feet when all grown up. Dwarves are not like those in that Disney movie, students."

The girl slumped in her seat. Baggins took another deep breath. "May we speak after class so we can broaden your understanding? I think you might like some stories I have." The girl nodded.

Another girl who wore a blue skirt and yellow shirt raised her hand. "They were created by Aulë to be resistant to the evils of… Morgoth." The girl shuddered at saying the name of the greatest evil. "They are good at mining and crafting. They prefer to live in the mountains. Despite popular belief, beards are not necessary. There is, as far as we know, one woman for every four men. It is hard for Dwarves to conceive. They have their own language and don't like to talk to outsiders."

"Good," Baggins said before taking down the girl's name, "Mortal Men."

One of the male Hobbits snickered and muttered, "Bunch of no good louts."

Professor Baggins jumped off the stage and stood in front of the Hobbit. Her voice was low and steady as she spoke. "You know, compared to Mortal Men, Hobbits are slothful. Mortal Men build great cities, write beautiful literature and music, tame horses, develop the technology which allows you to text your friends when you think my back is turned, and they explore the world almost as much as the elves had in the days of old. To top it all off, they are immune to magical effects unlike the rest of us Free Folk. What do Hobbits do? Garden and eat."

The male Hobbit slunk in his seat. His friends looked down and away from the Professor.

"The lot of you will be speaking to me after class," Professor Baggins said, "Now, since I seemed to have taken up the conversation, I will give extra credit to whoever can tell me what the Doom of Men means."

A lad near Thorin raised his hand. "Doom doesn't necessarily mean a bad thing. It originally just meant fate. The fate of Men is to die. It used to be called the Gift of Men because the elves and Dwarves have such long life spans; they have to watch all the things they love pass away."

Professor Baggins smiled slightly. "Thank you for stating it so respectfully." She jumped back onto the stage and clapped her hands. "Hobbits!"

The class laughed and threw out answers to the professor. She eventually held up her hands and the class settled down. "Those are the four main classes of Free People in Arda. There are of course, others such as Ents and Eagles. However, we will get to those mysterious folk later. For now, we are going to be dealing with the forces created by darkness. The most fearsome of these are dragons."

The professor launched into the beginning of lecture starting with the creation of dragons by Morgoth (originally known as Melkor). He created the dragons from all of the worst evils of elves, Men, and Dwarves allowing them to be creatures of destruction. How exactly was unknown, with rumors from the corruption of Eagles, to just general nastiness combined from all the Free People. All that was known for certain was that Morgoth could not make something of his own, so he must have corrupted another living creature.

Professor Baggins spoke on the general main physical traits of dragons for some time before switching to specifics. Dragons were either of fire or of cold. Under both categories, they were further subdivided into slithering, walking, and flying. How they breed was unknown, but they certainly did create offspring.

"I will now read from the account of Thorin Oakenshield. Does anyone in the class know who he is?" Professor Baggins said.

The class was confused. Thorin looked around, but it seemed no one, not even the professor, recognized him. Professor Baggins took a book from the table in the front.

"Thorin, son of Thráin, son of Thrór was there during one of the last great attacks of dragons in the more southern regions of the world. This is in reference to Smaug during his attack of the Lonely Mountain, where he supposedly still sleeps. 'The first we heard was a noise like a hurricane coming down from the north. The pines on the mountain creaked and cracked in a hot, dry wind…' Skip. '…. Airborne fire-breather, teeth like razors, claws like meat hooks…' Skip. Skip. 'Furnace with wings'. Rather nasty things, dragons. His account does not even go over how dragons blood is poisonous, the foul smell of dragons is like burning sulfur and slime, the way dragons voices and eyes work together to put their victims under a spell to surrender to a dragon's will, or (most importantly) their greed."

A male Hobbit ran into the room. "Sackville-Baggins!" he hissed.

"Shoes!" Professor Baggins said. The student by the table at the front tossed at Baggins' head her shoes and her jacket. She stepped into her shoes as she slipped on her brown jacket. The other students began putting on shoes and straightening ties.

Professor Baggins put up her curly, black hair into a messy bun while she continued her lecture. "Dragons are the greediest of all creatures. Though they will go after copper, silver, and precious gems, they love gold above all. That is why sometimes gold sickness is called dragon sickness, as you would know if you did your reading on Dwarves. Mines of all kinds, but especially those run by Dwarves, are often attacked by dragons of the North. The Yukon is still overrun with dragons and no one has been able to get them out in almost two centuries. During the gold and silver rushes of North America almost two hundred years ago, dragons were particularly active. Smaug is the one who caused the greatest damage. Now why…"

A smack of heavy, floral perfume announced the arrival of a female Hobbit professionally dressed. She stood in the back and cleared her throat. Professor Baggins ignored her. "As I was saying, now why is Smaug so important? I already gave you a hint earlier."

"Professor Baggins," the Hobbit standing in the back said.

"Anyone?" Professor Baggins said as she continued to ignore the woman in the back.

"Bramble!" the woman said impatiently.

"Lobelia! It is rude to interrupt a class," Professor Baggins said.

The students snickered.

A female Hobbit with blonde hair said, "Is it because Smaug is probably still alive?"

"Exactly!" Professor Baggins said, "He is the only (possibly) live dragon this far south. The next nearest ones are in Canada, where they certainly do not sit around drinking Tim Horton's while talking about hockey."

The students giggled.

"But there is another reason," Professor Baggins said, "There is still a claim on the Lonely Mountain from the line of Durin. We know for certain Thorin Oakenshield, the grandson of the last King Under the Mountain, is still alive. His Father, Thráin, has been missing for many years. It is an interesting legal dispute since ownership is nine-tenths of the law and Smaug has been sitting on the treasure for almost two centuries. Because of this, anyone who slays the dragon could potentially own the Lonely Mountain unless…" She waved her hands as she tried to get students to chime in. "… unless the Line of Durin can find the Arkenstone, a sign of kingship of the Lonely Mountain. Come on. We talked about this during the Dwarf lectures. Now, Lobelia, what is the bee in your bonnet?"

"Your wizard friend is here," Lobelia said.

Professor Baggins grinned. "Well, he will just have to wait. I will be there as quick as I can, cousin."

Sackville-Baggins huffed but left the classroom. Professor Baggins turned to the class. "I am going to end class a little early as one should not anger wizards. Your assignment is to find three fairy or folk tales about dragons, as much of what we know about dragons comes from those sources. Try to find at least two different cultures' accounts. Except for those I called on and our visitor, you are free to leave. Your word of wisdom for the day: never laugh at a live dragon."

The students packed their things and left. Professor Baggins spoke with a quiet voice to the disrespectful Hobbits. She wrote out something on a paper for each student and texted someone. Professor Baggins next spoke to the girl who did not know much about Dwarves. The girl seemed upset for a moment, but began to cheer up as the professor wrote instructions on a piece of paper. The young Hobbit practically danced out of the room.

Thorin walked down to the front where Professor Baggins packed her things. "What is it you wished to speak to me about?"

"I was wondering your thoughts on the lecture," Professor Baggins said.

"I thought it was informative," Thorin said.

"I hope I did not offend you by what I quoted from the report to the Iron Hills," Professor Baggins said.

"Why would I be offended?" Thorin asked gruffly.

"Well, they are your words."

Thorin raised an eyebrow. "My words?"

"Well, yes. You are Thorin Oakenshield, are you not?"

"I do believe you are confused about…"

"No. I am not. A strange man comes to my class who looks like Thorin Oakenshield at the same time my dear, pesky, old friend decides to come for a visit. Well, Thorin Oakenshield without the beard, which I suppose is to be expected after a hundred years or so," Professor Baggins said, "Also, Thor? Really? That was the best you could come up with?" She handed some books to Thorin. "Come on. I must have a word with Gandalf and see what mischief he is up to."

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A/N: Welcome to An Unexpected Road Trip! I apologize in advance for this long author's note, but some ground rules need to be laid out as I know these questions will come up.

Here is the Fan Cast.

I shall warn you readers of something before we begin. All of the places in this story I have personally visited in some way. (Some things are obviously not going to exist in the real world.) The exception is the location of the Lonely Mountain, which is located at a real Lone Mountain in New Mexico near Santa Fe. I have not visited that particular spot (though I have driven through the state and visited Santa Fe). I am going to be changing the landscape to fit better with the book in any case. I have spent time in the area. All that to say: there will be some poking fun of states, particularly Florida. Much of my family lives there and so I have personal experience with the state. For those of you who don't know: what the U.S.A. is to the world is what Florida is to the U.S.A. There are good things about the state, but there is so much fun to be had with it too.

"He could be seen talking to strangers, even Dwarves." – From "The Quest for Erebor" in Unfinished Tales by J. R. R. Tolkien on why Bilbo was chosen for the quest by Gandalf.

Information on dragons comes from Tolkien's writing, Jackson's movies, and Tolkien: A Dictionary by David Day. Obviously, Hobbiton University is fictional. However, part of the reason I chose Indiana was because Indiana University in Bloomington has one of the few programs on Folklore in the U.S.A.

The reasoning behind making the Free People of about the same height was purely practical. It would be interesting to explore equal access in a fantasy setting. (This is discussed some, particularly in Bree, but it is not an issue Tolkien focuses on.) Maybe in another story I will deal with it. I needed Hobbits, Dwarves, elves, orcs, etc. to be able to drive cars of the same height and such. I know how much of a hassle it is to use items for people who are disabled to drive. My uncle lost his leg several years ago and it takes time to switch in the tools to help him drive.