Chapter 6: "Doctor's Orders"

"Oh man, oh god, oh man." I'm panicking, holy crap. I thought Harry was dead, killed by that Goblin creature… wait… does this mean, he's the goblin creature?

"Urrghhh…" Harry starts groaning, he's regaining consciousness… he looks at me in confusion. "Spider-Man?" he asks me.

"Uh, yeah… me, your friendly neighbourhood Spider-Man." I can't even hide the shock in my voice, it's super obvious.

"Ahaha, are you sweet talkin' me?" Harry sounds kinda dazed and out of it, a side effect of the transformation, I guess. That would explain why he's been acting so odd lately. I decide to help him get home quicker, swinging through the city but honestly, I'm surprised he didn't throw up on my shoulder. I land inside his living room through the double balcony doors and help him onto the couch.

"Alright Mr. Osborn, be careful. Drink some water and get some rest, Doctor's orders."

"Oh man, I love this guy! So intense!" he flips his hands into the air, throwing his glass into the air. Luckily, I have spider-reflexes so I catch it before it can smash. Not a drop of water spilled either. "Mmm, God! You're so… good!"

"Yeah, well you're drowsy. I don't wanna start an argument but I'd say you're drunk." I try and quip to relieve the tension, but I think we both know that's not gonna help. Goblin formula must be one hell of a cocktail.

"Don't want no beef?" Harry manages to slur before he drops off, head on the couch. I grab a nearby blanked and tuck him in, taking one last look around the apartment.

So much damage, it's a good thing Harry's richer than Bill Gates. Alright maybe not. I make my way towards the main hallway outside his bedroom, and notice a pull string hanging above me. Tilting my head upwards, I see a large attic door. Can't hurt to inspect it, can it? Letting curiosity best me, I pull the string and let the ladder fall down. Of course, I don't use the ladder.

One jump and I land on the attic floor, the impact pushing dust into the air. Oh man, it's a good thing I'm wearing a mask… actually, it's starting to cover my lenses, not so good. I pull off my mask, oh man. It's so dark in here, like… completely devoid of light, not even any gaps in the roofing or floor boards for sunlight to creep through. Of all my powers, I don't get spider-night-vision? Where's the lightswitch? There's gotta be a lightswitch somewhere. Trying not to make too much noise, I step in front of myself and trip on something, falling flat on the floor, getting tangled in another pullstring. I guess that's the lightswitch, but what the hell did I trip… on…

I switch the light on. I can't believe what I'm seeing. It's horrible… I'm surrounded by such… filth, such depravity. How could Harry indulge in this? Why does he own so much… My Little Pony stuff? Mountains of merchandise everywhere. Boxes of… Fluttershy dolls, Pinkie Pie Party Time playsets, Twilight Sparkle plushies… Rainbow Dash costumes!? Oh my god, Harry.

I storm down to confront him, racing to the living room. Harry's sitting up now, good. He looks up at me.

"Peter, you're… you're… Spider-Man?" He asks, confused.

"There's no time for that right now, wanna explain this you sick fuck?" I hold out a Pinkie Pie doll right in front of him. "Is this what I think it is? Is this a Pinkie Pie?"

"Ooh that she is…" Harry responds, almost casually "The fire in my loins, the itch in my crotch. The one, the only, the infam-" I slap him. I slap him hard. He rubs his face in shock. "I can tell you meant that."

"How could you be hiding this from me, Harry?" I'm almost crying as I shout "We're best friends, and you go and hide something this… depraved from me?" Harry stands up.

"Best friends, huh?" He looks down and licks his lip. "Alright, question one: would you die for me?" Before I can answer he throws his glass away in anger, "No, that's too easy." He gets right in my face "Would… you… LIVE… for me?"

"What? Harry, what are you on about? Of course I'd do anything for you but this? This is messed up man, I want an explanation."

"You're gonna be my friend." He responds, almost angry with me.

"I'm already your friend, man. Just tell me what's going on with this. Just say it, out loud!" I demand he tell me, screaming. I can feel tears in my eyes. I don't wanna hear it, but I need to. I just need him to be honest with me.

"Fine…" he whispers under his breath. He looks up at me, dead in the eye, "Brony. I am a Brony." He asserts. Suddenly, I am no longer angry. Just happy. Happy Harry is honest with me.

"That's all I needed to hear."

"I'm glad," he grabs me by the waist "by the way, I've got grape soda and a bearskin rug waitin' for us. Just say when."

"When." Overwhelmed by the moment, I pull Harry in for a kiss. So passionate, so intimate. "So, are we going?" he picks up his house-phone.

"Bernard… bring the car round." He commands, it's so hot when he does that. Makes me tingly. He puts the phone down and turns back to me. "Let's go home, you handsome honka honka."

And that's it. That's the end of the story. Me and Harry went to his beach house, a nice little place in Hawaii. The grape soda was good and the bearskin wasn't real, it was synthetic so don't get your pants in a twist, PETA. Harry transformed again a couple of times but he had full control, if you know what I mean. We lived together for the rest of our days. Happily ever after.

Oh and Gwen probably died or some shit, those Stacy's drop like flies.

THE END (Trump started World War 3 right after they finished all of the grape soda and Nuclear War broke out… Harry and Peter will return in SPIDER-MAN: FURY ROAD)