Title: How To Defeat Crazed Uchihas, Uzumaki Style.
Pairings: None.
Warnings: Crack-ish. Crack taken seriously. Humour. Parody (maybe?). OoCness (I'm not good at writing stupid and Naruto is... well, Naruto).
Disclaimer: Not mine. Never was never will be.
Words: 3287.

AN: This... I don't even know where this came from, or how it went from "short, amusing, crack-ish drabble" to... this! Anyway, I read like 200 chapter of Naruto and so my brain vomited this. I don't know how that works, I don't think it's safe to know, really.

This was inspired by the Moon and a certain episode from Dragon Ball. Knowledge of DB is not necessary, though, as this isn't a crossover.

-o0o-

"In the shinobi world, those that break the written and unwritten rules are deemed trash… but be that as it may… those that disregard their comrades so easily… are even worse than trash. And those who don't have the decency to respect the memories of their comrades… are the worst." Hatake Kakashi.

-o0o-

Naruto exhaled explosively and looked around the battlefield. The arrival of the four Hokages felt like a godsend and if anyone but Sasuke was responsible he would've kissed them. As it was he settled for exchanging insults with the other boy, a wide smile straining his face because Team Seven was together once more and they were at war but in that moment he couldn't have been happier.

The moment was broken all too soon though, when the Jūbi started forming another devastating attack that threatened to flatten them all like ants. They were saved by the Hokages who created an awesome barrier and the First who used his Hermit Arts to immobilize the beast. Healed and with renewed hope, Naruto and his teammates threw themselves into the fray once more, the Alliance not far behind, hoping against hope that this would be it, that this window of opportunity would open the way to victory.

It didn't. They had tried, desperately, but the Jūbi was too resilient and both Uchihas made an outstanding team, too cunning, wily and strong to slip around, when they weren't backstabbing one another, that's it. So, like every time when they had made some sort of headway, the battle took a sharp and unexpected turn for the worst, and soon enough they were dodging the life-sucking roots of the Shinju and half a step from losing the war altogether.

"Thanks for the save, jiji," an exhausted looking Naruto said, giving his grandfather figure a tremulous smile.

"You're quite welcome, Naruto," the Sandaime returned with a fond smile, before it disappeared. "But I'm afraid we are running out of time," Sarutobi said, grim eyes on the monstrous tree that had sprung out of nowhere.

Naruto grimaced in a mix of pain, bone-deep exhaustion and something suspiciously like hopelessness, a feeling he squashed mercilessly as soon as it reared its ugly head. If he had time for self-pity then he had time for coming up with a plan.

Drained as he was all Naruto could do for the moment as he recovered was listen, one ear dedicated to the encouraging words of the First Hokage and the other tuned in Obito's direction and his poisonous words. And for a moment he felt lost, caught in between the burning desire to protect his precious people and the void of hopelessness and resentment that threatened to swallow everyone, him included. Why did things have to be this way? What could justify this stupid war? What could possibly be worth all this death and suffering? The mere thought of the dream world Obito described made Naruto's body shake with overwhelming fury. A fake world built on pretty lies where nobody suffered but nobody was really alive, where all he had worked for was erased and forgotten? Yeah, thanks a bunch but no thanks. Both Madara and Obito could stuff their stupid moon plan up… their… asses…

Huh.

Naruto blinked as an idea, a demented, monumentally stupid but insanely brilliant or maybe brilliantly insane idea, began to take form in his mind. It was beyond ridiculous, the sheer power he would need… but maybe, if the other tailed beasts helped, the end result would've to be very small and very dense to make the trip, nevermind succeed, but maybe... maybe it could work. But just power wouldn't be enough. Speed and the element of surprise would be paramount if he wanted this gamble to pay off. And also…

"Hey, teme," the other boy turned his head just enough to give him a side-eye look. Naruto returned impassivity with a smile as he got on his feet again. "What can that thing do?" He asked pointing a finger in Susanoo's direction.

Sasuke raised an eyebrow at the inquiry, cool as a cucumber on the outside. On the inside something he had thought dead and buried awakened and whimpered pathetically as a familiar glint appeared in the dobe's eyes. That… definitely wasn't good. Unbeknown to Naruto, Minato, and everyone who had interacted with Kushina for longer than five minutes, were having the exact same thought as a feeling of dread filled them.

"…Why?"

Naruto smile morphed in a fox-like grin that complimented his laughing eyes nicely. Sasuke had a sudden and uncharacteristic surge of pity for the would-be victim of Naruto's unique brand of insanity. Until he remembered that the victim was the same man that was mostly responsible for all the shit that had rained on him and his clan in the past decades. Good riddance.

"Because I just had an idea."

And so Naruto proceeded to explain the rough plan he, his father and the Kuramas had hammered out only a moment ago, using his idea as foundation for what was to come.

-o0o-

"It's insane. You are insane and it won't work," Sasuke deadpanned.

"You don't know that!" Exclaimed the blond boy; lips turned downwards and a furious scowl on his face. He lowered his voice and continued in a rushed whisper. "If that Madara freak thinks he can cast his super genjutsu using the moon then my plan can work too."

Sasuke gifted him with a deeply unimpressed look as he parried what would've been an otherwise devastating blow from Obito. Naruto, not deterred in the least by the black-haired boy attitude, flowed around his teammate and tried to land an attack on the Jūbi Jinchuriki. The head on strategy just wasn't working. For every useless attack that he and Sasuke managed to land they received twice as many all of them ten times stronger to boot. It really wasn't working.

"Your 'idea' doesn't even deserve such name."

"Oh, come on! It's not that bad…"

"And even if it works, which it won't by the way, we still have to deal with them afterwards."

Naruto was silent for a moment as he defended himself from a barrage of blows that left him reeling and aching everywhere. He gritted his teeth as he flew backwards, his and Kurama's energy leaving a brilliant trail of golden-orange colour behind.

"True," he admitted once he caught his breath. Sasuke was doing the same thing a short distance away, his Susanoo nothing but a dispersing cloud of chakra around him, same as his Kyūbi mode. "But at least then we won't be fighting under the Deadly Countdown of Doom." He straightened and locked his gaze with his rival's as much as he could while still keeping a wary eye on Obito. "I'm not saying it'll work, it's a huge gamble, but what else do we have? Defeating him will be useless if we are too late to stop that stupid flower from blooming! Not that hitting him is doing us any good right now" he finished in a mumble.

That much was true, Sasuke admitted to himself as he got to his feet. He had entered the battle only a while ago and he could already see all too clearly the overwhelming strength of their enemy. "And what if it doesn't pay off?"

"It will," it must, went unsaid but Sasuke could hear it as clear as he could see the badly concealed desperation on everyone's faces, even his hopelessly naive ex-teammate was showing signs of it. And looking around at the diminished, disheartened and utterly exhausted Alliance he could almost understand the urgency. He didn't understand why Naruto was willing to act as a shield for such a ragtag bunch of spineless and pathetic shinobi, but the blond moron wouldn't stop and if there was one thing Sasuke understood above all else that was Naruto. The motivations may be well beyond him but that wasn't important right now, his role right at this juncture was to see and act accordingly. And right now his eyes were telling him that they needed to hurry up and finish this before the moron got himself killed by acting as a living shield.

Even if that meant going on with such a stupid, unlikely plan.

"Hn."

Naruto grinned at hearing what in Uchiha-esque amounted to an agreement. A slightly resentful agreement but you couldn't always get everything you wanted.

"Great!" Naruto exclaimed, a new fire burning in his heart and shining through his eyes like a ray of sunshine. "Let's kick his ass and free the other guys!"

Sasuke said nothing but Susanoo reappeared and swiftly merged with Naruto's bijū form, creating something much more formidable and resilient. They were ready for round two.

-o0o-

"You know there are going to be some serious consequences if you succeed, right?" Kurama questioned. It wasn't an admonishment nor was he trying to dissuade the boy from his course of action, he just wanted to put all the cards on the table, so to speak.

"Kurama is right," Isobu agreed in a deep rumbling voice. He was the one who knew better how the tides would shift if they followed the plan, which wasn't the same as disagreeing. He was all for sticking a wrench in Madara's eye, err, sorry, plans. "The entire world will suffer the change."

Naruto looked around himself, at the nine beasts that held power so beyond what he had imagined possible just a few years back. Of course, a few years ago he had been nothing stupid kid with too big dreams and oblivious to everything but his own selfish desires. He liked to thing that he was a little bit wiser now and definitely a lot stronger, but he still was a selfish brat, he wanted to protect everyone he held dear and he was willing to push the limits and boundaries of what he could and should do until he succeeded. No other outcome was acceptable. If that meant rearranging the world as they knew it, then so what? It wouldn't be the first time such a thing happened.

"I know," he replied solemnly, "but at least then we'll be alive and have the freedom to face the consequences. If Madara wins…"

He said no more, but it didn't matter, all of them knew precisely how that sentence ended.

"We understand," interjected Gyūki, "we merely wished for you to be sure. There is no going back, if we go through with this plan."

Naruto frowned towards the lone figure of Madara Uchiha in the distance, alive once more and all the more dangerous for it. "I know," he repeated, "but it's a plan at least and we don't have many of those right now." He made eye contact with each one of them and asked with solemnity in his voice: "Will you lend me your strength?"

A beat of silence passed. Kurama scoffed. "What do you think I've been doing all this time?" After the fox the other beasts didn't wait to voice their agreement.

Naruto beamed. "Thanks guys."

"Don't thank us just yet." Kurama warned. "This is not going to be easy."

"Nothing worth it ever is, so what's new!" The boy laughed as the beasts started siphoning chakra into him, and Naruto, with Kurama's help, immediately started moulding it into the most powerful bijūdama the world would ever see.

The thing was, nothing like that would ever get past Madara who had finally tired of playing around with insects. In the blink of an eye the ancient Uchiha was in their midst, weapon raised and ready to strike down the troublesome Uzumaki once and for all. Naruto didn't move, didn't even react, not because he couldn't, although he would be hard pressed to dodge that swipe at that speed, but because unlike the crazed Uchiha he wasn't alone in this.

So, as Susanoo springs into existence around him and a blur of yellow kicks their foe away from his position Naruto smiles, wide and genuine and totally out of place in the middle of a battlefield. He doesn't care, the ball is in their court now, all they have to do is keep it there a little longer just as they had discussed a while ago...

-o0o-

"Hey dad, can you hear me?" Naruto prodded through the telepathic connection their halves of Kurama provided them.

"Of course, what is it?" Came the slightly worried answer. If his feeling of euphoria at actually talking to his father wasn't so strong Naruto may've rolled his eyes at Minato's fussing. Instead he savoured the warm feeling that spread through his chest everytime the older blond showed his love for him. It was a feeling unlike anything he had been on the receiving end of before, except for the short time he had with his mom.

"I've an idea to stop Madara's stupid plan."

He and Kurama had discussed it briefly, and while his half of the fox wasn't completely sold on the feasibility of the idea, he admitted it had some merit and that if anyone could pull it off that someone was Naruto. Well, Naruto and a handful of others.

"What is it then?" Minato's question jolted the younger blond out of his memories.

"Hm? Oh, we'll blow up the moon. No moon, no genjutsu, half the problem solved."

The looks of total disbelief on Minato and Yin-Kurama's faces told him exactly what they thought of his harebrained idea.

"…Are you serious? Please tell me you're not being serious."

Naruto contained the urge to sigh, or pout. He should've seen that question coming a mile away. Okay, so it was a pretty ridiculous notion at first sight, to imagine they could somehow launch something at the moon and reach it. Not just reach it but destroy it. It shouldn't have crossed his mind, Naruto was aware of how impossible it sounded, but it was Madara himself who, ironically, gave him the hope that they could succeed. Surely if the man could reach the moon with a genjutsu they too could do something similar with a jutsu? Oh, the amount of power needed would be staggering, Naruto had no doubts and no delusions about being able to produce that amount of energy. But as he had remarked before, he wasn't alone, he had Kurama and the other's tailed beast support. That was the power, what he needed next was a distraction, speed and a way to fool Madara long enough to launch the attack.

It wouldn't do for the ancient Uchiha to stop them before they could get started, after all.

As he explained this to his father, Minato's expression slowly but surely lost some of his incredulity, not completely, but Naruto knew that he would come around to his way of thinking. Most people did.

"Okay, okay, so, blow up the moon, fine, okay." The fourth Hokage really wanted to drop his face in his hands, scream a bit, maybe tear some of his hair out, but bravely resisted the temptation. Now was not the time to become hysterical. Making use of all his experience as Hokage and shinobi he suspended his disbelief for the time being and focused on his son, who reminded him of Kushina more with each passing second. "Fine, so we'll destroy the moon. How would that work?"

It was surprisingly simple all things told. The first step was freeing the tailed beast from Obito, which was no mean feat, but doable (they hoped). Then, Naruto, with help from the beasts, would create a bijūdama, equally or even stronger than anything the Jūbi could produce, the whole point was to pour every ounce of chakra available into that one attack. Naturally, such thing would be enormous and unmanageable, which wasn't good because it needed to be thrown and it needed to be fast. However, Naruto was sure that he could condense the power and shrunk the bijūdama while retaining its potency. Problem was, it would take time to build up the power and form the attack and in the battlefield, where a second could make the difference between life and death… buying enough time was easily the most difficult and dangerous part of the plan.

Once the bijūdama was complete it was all a matter of timing. Naruto would attack Madara directly with Tobirama's help, as was expected of him; while that was happening Minato and Yin-Kurama would throw a Hiraishin kunai as far in air as possible, and once it reached the highest point he would transport both Naruto and Sasuke to the kunai when the two of them would use their combined might to throw the little ball of pure condensed power towards the moon.

"And then 'Kaboom'. The End," finished Naruto. "Or, well, something like that." He scratched his head. "I'm not sure if that Madara guy will be surprised long enough, though. Even I remember his story from when we studied it in the Academy and he was freakishly strong and fast. Once he realizes what we'll be doing he'll try to stop us for sure and..."

A hand on his shoulder stopped him dead on his track. He looked up to see his father smiling down at him full of pride.

"We will take care of Madara on the ground so he won't reach you, don't worry. You and Sasuke just make sure to blow his plan to kingdom come, understood?"

Naruto blinked in surprise, before exploding into laugher infused with far more cheeriness than was appropriate in such troubled times, but if Minato had learned anything about his son is that the kid sure as hell didn't give a damn about propriety.

"You just got yourself a deal, old man!"

Brat. Minato thought fondly, a smile tugging his lips upwards.

-o0o-

In the end the plan worked without a hitch. Naruto had no idea if that was because their teamwork was awesome or because Madara wasn't expecting them to take such a ridiculous approach to the threat he represented, but a success was a success. Regardless of how or why, it worked and they had delivered a crippling blow to their enemy. Oh, sure, Sasuke's old relative wasn't dead yet, in fact he was looking pretty lively and downright mad as he processed what had been done, which, alright, that was bad, like very bad. Not to mention the fact that they had yet to deal with that ugly as sin tree and black Zetsu... but as the moon broke away in a million of pieces, the only thing Naruto could feel was relief, as if a huge weight had been lifted from his shoulders.

Truly, the war wasn't over yet, but the imminent danger of becoming little more than puppets for eternity was gone, and, if Naruto was honest with himself, he would take dying any day if the only other option was becoming a slave to somebody else's will. At least Obito was out for the count. Not quite powerless in the traditional sense but he definitely wasn't inclined to move another finger against or for them, too broken to care one way or another about anything. So that was a plus of sorts.

With a monumental effort of will Naruto climbed to his feet and out of the crater Sasuke's Susanoo had made when they fell. Said boy was standing on the edge, looking as run down as Naruto felt and glaring poisonous daggers of hate at Madara who was returning the favour with interest and who cranked it up a few notches for Naruto alone. Naruto could care less, with the teme standing once again at his right and Sakura-chan on his left, with all his friends plus the Alliance at his back, there was nothing they couldn't face, an ancient shinobi hell-bent on destroying reality was no exception.

Fierce blue eyes met a single rinnegan that burned with the fires of hatred and madness.

"We are going to kick your ass, you better believe it!"