Double update, due to the positive flood of ideas I've had for this.
You'll probably notice that this chapter is quite a bit longer than my others. This is because I noticed that it took a long time to pass through the Konohamaru sections without handwaving the events as 'just like what happened in canon'. I tried to make it a bit more interesting for fans of the series to read through again while remaining understandable for those who haven't read the series before. And quality is better than quantity, right?
serialkeller: No, Trapping doesn't level up through use. He can come up with new designs for traps though using the skill, finding recipes, or just thinking about it, but the only way to increase the skill itself would be to assign points to it. And he'll go through the menus soon.
NorthSouthGorem: I must've given the wrong impression, probably by my use of the phrase 'fangirl crush'. I personally like Hinata, though I wish she weren't considered the default pairing for Naruto. Anyway, the point I was trying to carry across is that Naruto doesn't think highly of Hinata because of some Fridge Logic and several assumptions about canon. These assumptions (made based almost solely off reading fanfiction, by the way) make Hinata out to be pretty selfish, admiring Naruto and secretly following him around for years when it was obvious he had no friends. In a nutshell, it's an attempt to write a character who offers reasonable and rational, yet differing opinions from my own.
DaOneInDaCorner: To get a crafting skill, or any skill, he'd need to be taught the basics, either from a book or an expert. Just 'really, really wanting' to start forging a bunch of iron daggers wouldn't cut it, nor would just attempting to do so anyway. He could learn the basics through trial and error, but that would take upwards of several moths of constant practice when getting a couple lessons from a village smith would take less than a week. 'Grinding' in a Fallout game is pretty hard to do; most of your experience comes from quests, and you can't improve skills through use. Though, yeah, he will be 'grinding', as much as one can in this kind of game. As for the KOTOR-style partying… maybe. It would a pretty radical departure from what I had planned, but it would make for a sweet mechanic. I must think on this. And thank you for reaffirming my belief that people read both my stories!
greed11: Ah, FOV. Much more sensible. I've never really messed with the FOV in most games, so I'm not familiar with the effects, though I know TotalBiscuit has a thing for its inclusion. If it does what I think it does, yeah, it would be rather overpowered once he got used to the distortion. I think such a slider would still be located in the Main Menu options, though. As for save scumming, that's what he'll most likely do. The issue is recognizing a hairy situation soon enough to save early enough to make a difference. Reloading just as Zabuza's sword is about to lobotomize you isn't enough time to alter anything.
Carlos Augusto: Well, thanks for giving this a try, at least. The Shadow Clone has such high stat requirements for two reasons. One, I find it ridiculous that something found on the Forbidden Scroll would be easy to perform. Two, I'm declaring that Mass Shadow Clone Jutsu, in this universe, is fundamentally different from just plain ol' Shadow Clone Jutsu. Using Mass Shadow Clone Jutsu allows you to create numerous clones in one go, but each of those clones would be fundamentally weaker than one created using Shadow Clone Jutsu.
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Dialog Cheat Sheet
Emphasis
Game Text if centered
SHOUTING
Cutting someone o- short
*sound effect*
Written word if centered
xxXXxxXXxxXXxx
Okay, what do I know about teaching martial arts? Nothing.
What about throwing things? Again, nothing. Well, nothing I think the kid hasn't puzzled out himself.
Perhaps I was a thief in a past life and their knowledge of stealth will pass down on to me now that I acknowledge this cosmic connection?
… Nope. Damn, I really liked that one, too.
Alright, what do I remember about shinobi training from the series? Aside from the tree-climbing thing, absolutely nil.
So what did fanfiction say?
… The leaf-sticking exercise. Or was that also from the series? Well, I know is that the principle between it and tree-climbing is the same so, even if it's not standard material, it should be possible.
Just to make sure, though…
"You! 50 high kicks, either leg!" I barked, not turning to face C-something. I really should learn his name.
"Wha- I could do that on my own!" The incredibly entitled and deluded brat shouted, apparently getting his breath back.
"Just do it, would you? I need to test something."
After a bit of grumbling, he complied, stalking off to the closest wooden post. Alright, now for a proof of concept.
I crouched down and snatched up a relatively-intact leaf. I think it was a maple leaf, the one on Canada's flag.
Right, so I think I need to channel chakra to my hand, which should make it stick. Or it might explode, who knows? I sure as hell don't!
Putting my optimism aside, I felt around for my chakra. After a bit of searching, I found it. Or would detected be a better word? It wasn't the warm ball I remember it being described as so much as a sort of river, flowing from a kinda-sorta cistern in my chest through an intricate series of pathways in my body, ultimately ending up back at the source. It was amazingly complex, and I would love to study it for hours on end. Unfortunately, the call of SCIENCE! waits for no man.
Anyway, I 'nudged' the cistern to channel more chakra down the pipes I thought led to my hand. I'm sure this would be almost instinctual if I grew up manipulating chakra, but what can you do? I sat and felt, entranced, as the tiny threads leading down to my palm were forcibly enlarged, struggling to allow the chakra passage. It's a bad sign when you call upon so much power that your body needs to forcibly adjust to it. Maybe all chakra use is like this?
To what shouldn't have been my surprise, the leaf was blown out of my hand by a cloudy blue vortex, which seemingly evaporated in the midday sun.
Too much chakra, I think? Perhaps a bit less would be in order. And I think I need to keep a steady stream of chakra to my palm, too. It's not like I'm slapping some magical glue to my palm so much as I'm generating a force to counter gravity using a form of metaphysical energy manipulated through some kind of special power humans have.
I selected another leaf, now some kind I can't identify, and 'nudged' the cistern again, this time with a bit less force and continuing to 'nudge' the cistern to keep up the flow. Keeping a flow of chakra to my hand seemed semi-instinctual, at least.
Hmmm… Well, the leaf hasn't been blown away. But can it stand up to the ultimate test?!
I flipped my hand over and gasped in awe as the leaf didn't float to the ground. On second thought, perhaps 'gasp' is a bit too much; 'blinked' would probably be a bit more accurate.
Either way, I did it! I made a leaf stick to my palm in defiance of Newton's Law of Universal Gravitation! Absolutely amazing, I would kiss myself if I were a narcissist. And if that were physically possible.
Gah, focus.
Okay, so the hypothesis that chakra can produce an attractive effect on adjoining matter has been proven. So… 'Can this be applied to trees?' is the next logical question. And the answer to that question is yet another question: 'Why the fuck not?'.
"The leaf-sticking exercise? What're you doing that for?"
Jesus, why didn't my Perception warn me about him!? It's 8, that's a really good score!
"Amnesia, remember? Now, I assume you already know how to do this?" I decided that not actually responding to his question would be best.
He opened his mouth as if to ask something, but closed it with a resigned expression and mutely snatched the leaf off my hand. With a small frown of concentration, he pressed the leaf against his forehead and made it stay there.
I nodded and continued, "Right, so I'll teach you about an extension to this exercise I thought up. See that tree?" I waited for his gesture of agreement, "I want you to try climbing it using nothing but your chakra."
He opened his mouth again, this time with an indignant expression, before realization washed over him. I… have his eyes turned into stars?!
"Whoa… That's so cool! I never thought of that!" Ah god, he's fisting his hands underneath his chin. Sadly, that's only adorable when Musubi-chan does it.
What can I do to stop this burgeoning hero worship?
Do I even want to stop it? I mean, I've never been looked up to, exactly. It's a nice feeling.
Gah, get it together. You're a terrible role model. C-something would be fucked up within a week.
"Tree-climbing, go!"
The brat ran off, quite a bit happier than last time. The allure of scaling otherwise impassable objects knows no boundaries nor restraints, it seems.
Hah? What's this?
Leaf-sticking Exercise learned
That's… informative. The fuck's an exercise?
"Inventory."
Inventory
Weapons Armors Jutsu Consumables [Misc]
32 Adults-only Magazine
4 Makeshift Lockpick
57 Shredded Page
7 Textbook
It would be under Jutsu, right?
Inventory
Weapons Armors [Jutsu] Consumables Misc
Clone Jutsu
Disguise Jutsu
Leaf-sticking Exercise
Mass Shadow Clone Jutsu
Replacement Jutsu
Shadow Clone Jutsu
And tap it and… nothing. Really? Goddammit. Alright, fine, whatever. I know it's learned, at least. That's a good thing, right? So… does this mean I can stick stuff to me whenever I want to? It seems weird that I haven't had to train it. I suppose I could understand that if I had a high Control skill, but it's around 20, last I checked.
Mysteries abound.
Now's as good a time as any to check the menus, I guess. I was planning on training up the two exercises, but since it seems I just master them when I get it right, I'll just stick my hand to a tree before getting out of here.
"Gah! Darn it, why can't I get this to work!" C-something exclaimed angrily, dusting himself off.
I observed his next attempt, noticing how similar it was to Team 7's method. He charged at a tree, planted his foot on the bark, and sprinted up a few steps before his momentum failed him. Truly, gravity is a harsh mistress.
"Why are you doing it like that?" I asked curiously. I never got why that was the modus operandi of Team 7. Baby steps are the name of the game.
He opened his mouth but didn't speak. After a couple moments, he grew a pensive expression and said, "It seems best? And-"
"Look," I raised a hand to cut him off, "First work on sticking your hand to the bark. Then try a foot. Then attempt to just stand on the side of the tree. Running up it from the get-go simply forces you to learn everything you need at once." Or so fanfiction and common sense have taught me.
Ah crap, the star-eyes are back!
"Got it, sensei!" Wow, he can move when he wants to. And did he just call me sensei?
Well, whatever, time to figure out what exactly I have at my disposal. What should I explore first, though?
The Pause menu only has SAVE, LOAD, OPTIONS, and MAIN MENU. I know what all of those do, but I'm not sure if hitting MAIN MENU would pull me out of this dream/drug-fueled delusion/alternate dimension, kill me, or actually take me to a main menu. Not a risk I'm willing to take right now.
Inventory's pretty much self-explanatory. 5 categories all my shit is automatically sorted into, not much mystery there.
I haven't explicitly gone through the Status menu's options, but they seem pretty similar to Fallout. I'll explore them if I don't have a more unfamiliar menu.
Journal… All I really went through was the MAPS section. There were three others, I think.
We have a winner!
"Journal."
Journal
QUESTS
NOTES
LOG
MAPS
Okay, what quests do I have now?
Quests
ACTIVE
COMPLETED
FAILED
Uh, ACTIVE?
Active
Almost a Genin!
Teaching the Brat
Alright, so do I get an explanation of what to do with these quests?
…
I get a description of what the quest is about, but no objectives. Dammit. Though at least the description contains all the important details I need to remember, like how I need to go to the Academy at 8:00 tomorrow to meet my new sensei. So, in a sense, it does carry objectives. I just need to puzzle them out from the text they're buried in.
The 'Teaching the Brat' quest doesn't give me any useful information, other than I need to teach C-something stuff to progress. Does tree-walking count as 'stuff'?
COMPLETED and FAILED were similar, COMPLETED containing the quest 'Second Chance' and FAILED holding 'The Genin Exam'. Both quests gave a blurb describing the result of the quest and my actions in it. The quests' circumstances were pretty obvious.
What about notes?
Notes
(Make a note)
Oh… so just a way to make notes of things ingame? Cool enough, I guess. Do they transfer over saves? Because that would make them infinitely more effective.
"Save."
Game saved
The menu's still up, so let's make a note.
Note #1
Testing, testing, 1 2 3…
Heh, now to test.
"Load."
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"Journal. NOTES."
Notes
(Make a note)
Dammit. Didn't think so.
Now, what's the LOG?
Log
PEOPLE
PLACES
DOCUMENTS
ENEMIES
CREATURES
LORE
Oh man, so cool! Now I can know whatever it is I've forgotten about the setting simply by reading it here! Perfect timing! Now, what's C-something's name…
People
C-something
Sarutobi Hiruzen
Umino Iruka
'Kay. While it's entirely possible that 'C-something' is C-something's actual birth name, I'm going to go out on a limb and say that it isn't. So I'm going to guess none of these contain any information I don't already know?
…
Fuck me, I'm right. And going out on another limb would tell me that all the other categories have the same lack of new information.
…
I can't even be upset, really. I guessed what was going to happen well in advance.
Right, now to explore the Status menu.
"Status."
Status
Stats [Skills] Perks Reputation Misc
Uzumaki Naruto
Barter: 15
Bukijutsu: 23
Capacity: 57
Control: 21
Fuinjutsu: 27
Genjutsu: 25
Kenjutsu: 17
Lockpicking: 23
Medicine: 35
Ninjutsu: 27
Science: 30
Sneak: 42
Speech: 15
Survival: 30
Tactics: 30
Taijutsu: 27
Trapping: 1
Okay, Perks.
Status
Stats Skills [Perks] Reputation Misc
Intense Training (1/10)
+ 1 to any SPECIAL stat
Right, exactly like I figured.
Reputation?
Status
Stats Skills Perks [Reputation] Misc
Konoha: Mixed
Umino Iruka: 20
Sarutobi Hiruzen: 25
C-something: 8
What's Mixed mean? All the others have numbers, which I assume to be how much they like or respect me, but what does Mixed entail?
… Tapping it does nothing. I guess it means there's not a general consensus on how people view me. Some like me for… something, some hate me for holding the Kyuubi, while the rest dislike me for my former pranks. A 'Mixed' bag, if you will.
Awful, awful japery. Why don't I distract myself with the Misc menu?
Status
Stats Skills Perks Reputation [Misc]
Karma: Neutral
The rest of the menu was a list of everything I think could be quantified, and several things I thought couldn't.
Right. Sweet. Should I try for good karma or bad karma?
…
Good karma, duh. I've never seen a situation where bad karma got you anything from anyone. Good karma will probably be harder to obtain and maintain, but it'll come with numerous rewards. Bad karma will allow me to take the more convenient options in quests, but will probably come with several negative consequences.
Good karma good, bad karma bad.
Okay, so the menus are pretty standard fare, some just more useful than others. Now that's off my to-do list…
Sigh. Save me from stupid kids.
"Oi! You look like you're going to fall over!" I called out, forcing C-something to stop walking to the tree.
Worryingly, he almost fell over from it. How draining is the exercise, anyway?
"And you almost did. Look, you just sit here and rest for a bit, okay? I'll go get a drink of something."
I didn't want to brat to die on me, after all.
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Ah, vending machine! Perfect! Now what kind of change do I have?
I dug around in my pockets, forgetting for a moment I… don't have… change?
The coin was shiny and looked freshly minted, with an image of some old guy in sharp relief. How the hell did I get this? I thought I had no money?
Wait, I just don't have an indicator of how much money I have. So, for all I know, I could be a millionaire! Which isn't saying much, if the ryo has comparable value to a yen.
Obtained 20 ryo
… Or money could just not count unless I actually touch it. Do I have a counter now?
"Inventory."
Inventory
Weapons Armors [Jutsu] Consumables Misc
Clone Jutsu
Disguise Jutsu
Leaf-sticking Exercise
Mass Shadow Clone Jutsu
Replacement Jutsu
Shadow Clone Jutsu
Yep, there's a little indicator off to the right saying I now have 20 ryo. Why didn't it tell me I had 0 ryo before?
Whatever, how do I get the coin back? And do I have more loose change?
I went through my pockets again, looking for another coin to add to my ryo.
Aha, another one!
I pulled out another 20 ryo coin carrying the same old man's face. Not Sarutobi, so who? And where's the indicator saying I got 20 ryo?
… Unless this is the same coin, just summoned to my pocket when I wanted a coin. Since there's no indicator saying I got another 20 ryo, that's the most plausible option. Dammit.
How much are drinks?
100 ryo, eh? I can probably scrounge up that much. But I can't leave C-something alone for too long or else he's liable to start training again. I don't have a high opinion of his ability to realize his limits.
What's that on the ground over there? Oho, a wallet! Fat, hopefully with loot, but more likely with phone numbers and receipts. Oh well, let's check it.
The wallet was made of some kind of leather, the red-colored coating flaking off from heavy use. Inside was a plastic screen showing some kind of ID (not a driver's license since cars don't exist here, I think) and a zipper following the wallet's top. This guy keeps his money in a zippered pouch? Why? It isn't waterproofed, it isn't any safer, unless you have a habit of shaking your wallet upside-down, so why go through the extra step to secure your money? Pickpocketing, maybe?
Well, whatever. I don't recognize this guy's face, and there's no one around to witness this. Lootin' time.
Okay, so there're two 100 ryo coins. Not a bad haul, just enough for drinks. I don't really care about the wallet or the ID, so I'll just put it back where I found it.
You've lost karma
WHAT! For what, returning a wallet? Jeez, fine, I'll bring it to the nearest police department, happy?
No response.
On second thought, this was probably due to my rummaging through… Suma Takashi's wallet. And, if I brought this to the police, they'd ask some rather uncomfortable questions about why it's empty, especially if it was reported missing with money in it.
Anonymous donation? Nah, the police force are probably shinobi who're trained in investigation and interrogation, no way they wouldn't remember my face. And I doubt I could sneak in there, even if Sneak is 42.
So I'll just leave it here and hope this Takashi guy is smart enough to know where he lost his wallet.
Anyway, now I have enough for drinks! Some kind of sports drink, 'Revitalizer', for C-something, and I'll have… the only other option, water. Damn, this vending machine's selection sucks. At least it gives change.
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I came back to the almost empty training ground just in time to see C-something collapse under the tree.
"What the f- uh, heck were you doing?!" I shouted, remembering at the last minute to avoid any 'no no' words, "Just… get over here and drink this."
It was almost scary how he seemed to teleport over here.
Mutely, I held out the sports drink and watched in amusement as he crinkled his nose.
"Ugh. Hate this kind. They say what tastes bad is good for you, though…" C-something grimaced and started to choke down the apparently awful concoction.
He needs some livening up. And I need some entertainment. I think of it as repayment for his being completely unable to read the atmosphere and being a spoiled ass.
"What's your name," I asked bluntly, hiding a grin when he almost choked for real.
"You never told me it, by the way," Whew, cut off what seemed to be an angry rant, there.
His mouth seemed to shut of its own accord. He took another swig and began cautiously, "I, uh, guess I didn't. I'm Konohamaru. Sarutobi Konohamaru,"
… That's the Hokage's last name, isn't it? Are these two really related? I can't really see any resemblance.
I leaned in to scrutinize the newly-named Konohamaru carefully, looking for any features I remembered from the old Hokage. Then I remembered I don't really know the old Hokage's face, so looking for similarities is pointless.
"Right. I'll take your word for it. Anyway, why are you so stupid?" I asked, sitting on a conveniently placed log on the edge of the clearing. My casual dismissal of his answer seemed to throw him off. Or maybe it was the insult? The answer is lost to time.
"Whaddya mean 'stupid'?" He growled out, joining me on the log.
"You were collapsing into a huddle when I came back here. No one I know does that while training, not that I know anyone other than you, the Hokage, and Umino-sensei. My point stands, though."
He foundered around for several moments before his face grew less lively.
"It's… it's just my tutor, Ebisu, doesn't actually teach me anything. It's always 'practice your forms, honorable grandson' or 'a Hokage must have a thorough understanding of history, honorable grandson'. Leaf-sticking is cool and all, but this is the first shinobi thing I've ever learned and I really want to get it down! Plus, do you realize how much I could do when I can stick to walls? It's a lot!" While he was ranting, he finished off his drink. Its nastiness must be mostly in the mind or something.
So… in short, this is the first thing he's been taught that's held his attention. That doesn't exactly answer my question, but I can infer enough to fill in the blanks. Is he one of those kinesthetic types that does poorly with Ebisu's presumably theory-heavy teaching style?
"Well, have you ever tried asking for more practical lessons?" Surely someone who prides himself on being the best tutor in Konoha (something I actually remember from the anime!) would accommodate such a request.
Konohamaru gave me a flat look and crushed the empty bottle absentmindedly. Yeah, I suppose that was a stupid question. How did Naruto solve this problem in canon?
…
He created a boatload of clones; transformed them into beauteous, bouncy, busty blondes; and then preyed upon Ebisu's hidden, perverted tendencies. I can't do that, the primary reason being that I still lack Shadow Clones! How the hell did Naruto pull that off?!
Right, shounen protagonist. Great power comes with the territory. But I'm now a shounen protagonist, why can't I do it!
Alright, new game plan. Fuck Speech, focus on getting Ninjutsu up to 50. Creating solid copies of myself will help more in the long run than convincing people of things. Unfortunately, I need two levels to get the points necessary, so I'll just save this one in case I get the urge to pump Bukijutsu or Medicine.
I snapped out of my reverie from the sensation of a sharp poke in my side.
"You alright? You've been making funny faces at the grass for a couple minutes," I turned to glare at him but that's apparently a sign to continue in Japan, "Say, what'd you mean by 'amnesia'? Doesn't that mean you have no memories or something?" Konohamaru asked, dragging a foot through the dirt.
I never did answer him, did I? And he's going to keep bugging me about it until I give him an answer, so I might as well give him something. Well, what parts of the tale could I regale him with? Probably not the parts involving Mizuki turning traitor, or what I learned from the Forbidden Scroll. Those seem like things the Hokage want to keep secret. Though I would think he'd tell me what I can and cannot mention to other people.
Gah, whatever. I'll just explain the bare-bones. I'll make this a lesson in self-reliance and information gathering.
"After a series of misfortunate events, I came across something called 'Bodily Transformation Jutsu'. I performed it and now lack almost all of my memories. I've inferred that my personality's changed rather dramatically from what it was previously, but that's all I know. I would've expected that jutsu to swap my plumbing, now that I think about it," He looked rather inquisitive about the 'plumbing', but quickly realized what I meant. I guess that's why he blushed after a couple seconds, anyway.
"Alright, back to training. Assuming you feel better, of course."
He glared at me indignantly. If he was a fellow genin, I would be kind of worried about him attacking me despite his obvious weariness. As it stands, though, I'm confident in my ability to either run away or kick his ass.
"Don't give me that look. You were collapsed when I got back here. Is that a symptom of chakra exhaustion?" Well, either my Medicine is too low to answer that or chakra exhaustion isn't a thing here. Probably the former.
"Look, just sit there for another hour without fainting. I'll be doing the exercise myself for your entertainment," Well, that seemed to cheer him up a bit. Ass.
I strolled over to the nearest tree and planted myself just in front of the trunk.
Alright, now what do I know about tree-walking? I would assume it follows the same principles as leaf-sticking, just applied by a different part of your body to a different material for a different purpose. Or the same purpose, depending on how much you care about the semantics. Other than that, I got nothing.
This should be fun.
I raised a hand and rested it against the tree bark. If I figure out about how much chakra to send to a limb, I'll spend much less time balancing on one leg, which is nice since my sense of balance is crap.
I fed a small amount of chakra to my hand, just slightly larger than I needed to stick the leaf. When the chakra flow steadied, I gently tugged against the bond I hoped existed there.
… Nope, damn. There was something, but not enough to cause my hand to resist the little bit of force I applied. This time I guess I need more chakra.
I roughly doubled the flow and tried again. If my math (maths for you Brits) is correct, that would double the amount of 'stickitudiness' experienced in the process of removing my hand. Or this tree-walking exercise could be graphed in relation to chakra input by an exponential equation rather than a linear one, who knows? Hell, maybe it's a logarithmic equation, however the fuck that would make sense. Perhaps if it's only an infinitesimally miniscule portion of chakra that performs the actual 'stickification' process and any excess merely interferes with said process…
Well, would you look at that? While I was monologuing, my hand was stuck to the tree. It's a good thing to know I can maintain a constant emission of chakra despite being heavily distracted, at least.
Alright, how much force do I need to successfully fail at this?
I gently tugged at my hand again, becoming more forceful when my palm refused a trial separation with the bark.
Huh. Alright, I've got a pretty nice bond here. Let's take the testing up to the next notch.
Leaning back, I planted my foot next to the hand and pushed off… completely failing to pull away from the tree.
Sweet, second try succeeds! Okay, the next step would be to stick my foot to the tree.
I canceled the chakra going to my hand and redirected it to my sole, plus a little extra. The chakra has to go through my shoes, so I feel that this extra chakra will give it the 'oomph' necessary.
… So my foot hasn't been blown off the tree. And it hasn't exploded, either. In my experience, that's a good sign. It even resists being pulled off the tree, too!
This training is going by really quickly. Didn't Naruto and Co. take several days at least to learn this? Even 'prodigal genius' Sasuke?
Leaf-sticking Exercise improved
… What? What? I can improve these? That's bullshit.
Though I did just think not more than a second ago that it was odd to instantly master an exercise that. So this is a good thing, I guess. Anyway-
"This is boring. Can I go back to training?"
Anyway, as I was saying before, this means I'm going to have to split my time between accomplishing quests to get levels and training my Exercises (and Jutsu, presumably) so they're more effective. Dammit.
"I'm going to go back to training," Oh my god, something about this little shit's voice makes me want to- gah, whatever. How to get my point that this is really, really dangerous for him across?
"Just go home!" I calmly ordered him, "You haven't recovered by now, so just start again tomorrow! It's not like I need to supervise you every step of the way! Learn some goddamn independence!"
Yeah, I know what I just said to him. What're you going to do about it, huh?
… I'm not even surprised at his speed anymore.
"That's a great idea! Thanks, sensei!" He enthused (loudly. Very loudly. Right in front of me). And did he just call me sensei again? What a bipolar kid.
He sped off before I could even think about pulling my foot off the tree… It's already off the tree. Did my concentration fail? I had that mental rambling episode while maintaining the exercise, though.
Quest completed
Ooh, kickass. More to the previous point, maybe, at a low level of mastery, the exercise can fail?
"There you are!"
Oh goddammit. I'm not in the mood for this shit.
"Look, jackass," Harsh, but it also stopped Ebisu in his tracks, "You're looking for your student, right?" At his nod I continued, "Well he just left on the search for adventure. So leave me alone and chase after him before he hurts himself."
Speech 15/50
FAIL
Fuck.
Ebisu merely 'humphed', "As if honorable grandson would do something so foolish. While I admit he has a small rebellious streak, he wouldn't go gallivanting off to search for something as nebulous as 'adventure'."
… You had a decent chance of buying that. Shut the fuck up and get off your high horse.
"Look, I have no idea where he is right now. Probably on his way to wherever he lives. Go search there."
Did he just flip me off? If he needed to push up his sunglasses, why couldn't he use any of his other fingers?
"Why should I believe you? Considering your reputation, it's more likely that you have seduced honorable grandson to become as belligerent and uncouth as you are," This time he adjusted his sunglasses to reflect the sun in my eyes, using his thumb and forefinger this time.
… Is he serious? 'Seduced'? I know that's not the thrust of his argument, but seriously?! I'm not into guys, nor prepubescents! Two turn-offs don't equal a turn-on!
"First, no. Second, really? I do not 'seduce' anyone, especially not little boys. Kindly take your assertions and shove 'em."
He didn't seem to appreciate that.
"Perhaps I should teach a delinquent such as yourself a lesson. I'm sure you will thank me later," He flipped me off (this time I'm sure of it) and smirked.
Geh. Even though he's an ass, I seem to recall that he's a Special Jonin. Waaay out of my level 2 league. Time to do some damage control.
"Gonna beat up a defenseless genin? One who hasn't even gotten his team assignment yet? Say, after I heal up, can I join you when you kick the canes out from under the elderly and steal lollipops from babies?"
I don't think I've ever seen someone's face turn a uniform shade of red. Anime physics are a lot weirder when you're seeing them on a moving face.
"I- I do none of those things! How dare you insinuate that I do so!" He somehow stuttered while shouting. Is he so out of sorts that he's unable to speak properly?
While I have a strong urge to goad him further, I think it would be a better idea to cut and run.
"Thank you for your time, but I'm afraid I must be off!" I called behind me, walking away as quickly as I could without jogging.
Ebisu didn't chase after me, thank god.
xxXXxxXXxxXXxx
I might've gotten lost a couple times, but thanks to the Map (lowercase map being the paper one), I got back to Higurashi Weapons. Now that I actually examined the store without being interrupted, I could finally notice how… ordinary it seemed. It was nothing more than a store with a sign sitting in a long line of shops with signs stretching down either side of the street. No display windows, either.
I pushed open the door, ignoring the little *tinkle* of a bell. Short rows of shelves holding shiny, death-dealing instruments were arranged between me and the counter at the back wall. Taller racks lined the side walls, all loaded with a variety of katana, polearms, axes, and other melee weapons.
"Hello, honored customer!" Called the rather cute female employee with buns on either side of her head… Tenten. The employee running the register was Tenten. I guess that answers the question of her association with the shop.
"Hello," It can't hurt to be polite as I make my way to her, "I'm shopping for some weapons and I was hoping you could give me some advice."
From what I remember, she was a weapons specialist, so it would stand to reason she would be able to tell me a lot about the various types.
Her expression grew a bit brighter, "Sure! What were you looking for?"
… What am I looking for? More kunai and shuriken, certainly. But what else? My Kenjutsu (which I now think only refers to swords in the actual series) is kind of low and I'm not going to raise it for several levels. Maybe I should just say I'm not sure?
Perhaps I should just bluff my way through this? But I've got no idea how to handle weapons aside from 'stick the pointy bit in the enemy', so maybe getting into a conversation with an expert about this wouldn't be advisable.
"I'm, ah, not really sure. I need more kunai and shuriken, but I'm not very competent with most weapons right now," I unconsciously scratched the back of my neck.
And just like that, her expression dimmed, "I see. Then I would suggest anything, really. Unless you've had experience handling many different weapons, it's impossible to figure out which is the best fit, so to speak. Though I've found that the lighter, smaller weapons tend to be easier for novices to use."
Damn. That probably cost me a few relationship points. Pretty sure I'll come out of this with an overall gain, though, so there's no reason to Save/Load this.
"Thanks. What do you have in stock?" I mean, every weapon I've ever seen or read about in Naruto was a kunai, a shuriken, a generic katana, or some super-special-sword-that-is-not-actually-a-sword-so-much-as-some-artist's-fever-dream.
Imagine my surprise when a barter menu popped up.
Higurashi Weapons
[Weapons] Armors Jutsu Consumables Misc
12 Fine Kunai
3 Fine Shuriken
69 Kunai
3 Poor Katana
19 Poor Kunai
1 Poor Wakizashi
2 Rusty Katana
53 Rusty Kunai
1 Rusty Odachi
13 Rusty Shuriken
87 Shuriken
Odachi are really big katana, right? And wakizashi are smaller katana used with one hand, I think. No claymores, sabers, rapiers, or polearms, though. Which is fucking weird, since there are several of these missing pieces lying around the shelves.
… Leveled shop inventories would explain that. They won't carry anything really good until I hit the higher levels. A shop's inventory opened up significantly one you passed level 20 in New Vegas, from what I remember. Though this game system is deviating more and more from what I recall, so maybe I shouldn't make predictions based off that.
What armor do they have?
… Nothing. Do shinobi really only wear flak jackets as their only protection? That's fucking stupid, why wouldn't they invest in at least some kind of leather getup? They could even reinforce them with seals so they could protect against more that wimpy genin and dog bites. Though I suppose armor could just be restricted to the higher ranks i.e. on a higher leveled list than I can access.
The other areas were also irritatingly empty. A crying shame, that.
Okay, so… I have no money, according to the little numbers on the screen. Well, I have 20 ryo, but a Rusty Shuriken is 30 ryo and that's the cheapest item on there. I don't exactly have much that I'm willing to sell, except maybe those magazines and torn pages. I don't even see an option to turn the barter menu to my Inventory so I can sell stuff. Maybe it's a separate menu entirely?
"Do you buy things?" I asked, closing the shopping menu absentmindedly.
She seemed to consider it for a moment.
"Weapons only. I or another employee conduct extensive tests on submitted items to ensure quality, so you'd receive payment in a few days rather than immediately. Why, you have anything?"
Motherfucker.
"No. Just curious," I said, depressed and hanging my head.
"Well," I shot my head up, "We do pay a bit for broken weapons or low quality metal to use as forging material. You need to be a genin with access to the higher level training grounds, though."
I made a quizzical expression as she continued on.
"Most people who salvage for us get the metals from weapons abandoned in training fields. Since only jonin are rich enough to regularly leave broken weapons lying around, it's the more dangerous training grounds that give a decent haul. After some street rats wound up in the hospital a few years ago, the boss decided to not allow any non-shinobi to do something so dangerous."
"I'm getting assigned a team tomorrow. Does that count?" Upon reflection, probably not. There's still the chance I could fail the next test. And she mentioned I'd need access to the tougher training fields, implying that it's not an automatic right to go there.
Tenten merely smirked, "Nope, sorry. You'll understand in a couple days, kiddo."
If I wasn't twelve, I'd take offense to that. As it stands, I'm a little irritated at her patronizing tone, but I can ignore that.
"Right. And if I have a bunch of crappy weapons I'm willing to sell as scrap for moolah?"
Her eyes unfocused slightly before she shook her head, "Sorry, our scrap metals have to be of the highest quality. So no rust, no pits, no residues, only freshly-broken weaponry will do."
... I'm tempted to point out half of her inventory is absolute shit, but I doubt it'll make a difference.
"Okay. So, know of any pawn shops in the area?"
Tenten grinned apologetically, "Nope. And even if I did, I wouldn't be allowed to tell you. It's bad business to redirect customers to other stores and I kind of need this job."
Goddammit, I must've be failing invisible Luck checks all day today.
xxXXxxXXxxXXxx
After that debacle, I decided to just cut my losses and get the hell out of the store. Tenten didn't seem to notice my departure other than to call out a bored 'Come again' when the bell rang.
Though now I wonder what I'm going to do for dinner. I can't eat cup ramen for long, but I also have no money, nor any method of quickly acquiring it! No money means no buying things, which means no grocery shopping, which means no culinary experiments, which means no meals other than cup ramen!
Well, I'm starting mission tomorrow, I think. No, wait, tomorrow's the secret Genin Exam thing, the day after is when we take our first mission, probably. I hope D-ranks pay decently, or else I'm going on a diet for the foreseeable future. Though the accuracy of calling an all-ramen diet a diet is debatable.
Well, whatever. If it gets bad enough, I'm confident in my abilities to filch small foodstuffs from the various merchants of Konoha. Just to supplement my carbohydrate-heavy fare, of course.
Though I'm sure it won't come to that. After all, tomorrow's another day.
xxXXxxXXxxXXxx
A distant buzzing echoed through my fuzzy head as I blinked through some sort of floodlight beaming directly into my retinas.
Oh, that's the sun. And that buzzing is an alarm clock. Did I buy an alarm clock recently?
…
Naruto. Right. Either undeniable evidence of the supernatural or an unusually elaborate, morphine-induced hallucination.
Do I have any more clean jumpsuits?
xxXXxxXXxxXXxx
It turns out I don't, so I just slipped on the one that stank the least.
Come to think of it, why am I able to don garb normally but also able to equip it in the Inventory?
… I would guess that putting them on normally makes them show up as equipped in the Inventory, while doing it through the Inventory would be almost exactly the same, only you'd have to explain how you managed to instantly change clothes.
Ah, the Academy. How I missed your worn halls and surly examiners. Nostalgia's the best kind of wistfulness.
… Where's my classroom? Fuck me, I didn't think of asking and no one thought to tell me. It's a classic example of both sides dropping the ball.
What to do, what to do…
"Like hell you will!"
You know what, I'm going to investigate that piercing voice. Who knows, maybe I'll get a quest out of it and I'm sure Iruka'll understand once I explain the circumstances. Now, that shouting emanated from my left, so let's go down that hallway.
And… another juncture, great. Now, it originally came from my left, but I couldn't say whether it was in front of or behind me when I first heard it.
"Hey, back off, forehead!"
A right turn it is.
Wait for it…
"No way, pig!"
There we go. Hold the course straight.
"Ah, look out!"
Odd, that one sounded- FUCK!
Something, those voices I heard probably, rammed into my side, sending me and whatever people were shouting tumbling into a pile on the ground.
"Ooh, my head."
I couldn't agree with you more… someone's touching me inappropriately. Why didn't I notice this sooner?
"You mind, whoever's doing that?" I asked laconically, not shifting from my position facing the ground on my stomach. Optimal tone for maximum embarrassment, which will mean whoever's doing that will knock it off faster.
Someone, a girl judging by the pitch, 'eeped' and the sensation around my junk vanished only to be replaced by a faint ringing in my head.
"Pervert!" The bitch screamed, springing off me.
… I think she hit me. Thank god the power of feminine fury seems nonexistent here. Or she was in an awkward position to hit someone lying on the ground.
"Ino-chan, you okay? Did this guy- Naruto! What did this idiot do to you?!" Another voice asked, accompanied by a patter of footfalls.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say I was tracking Sakura and Ino. To get even farther out on that tenuous branch and say I just interrupted them on the way to class would be insane, but what the hell. You only live once, right?
"I'm fine, Naruto here just tripped me up. But then he sullied me!"
… What? I think I better sit up and defend myself.
"Ladies, ladies-" I scooted myself backwards on a hunch and watched amusedly as Sakura twirled to the ground when her haymaker failed to impact.
"Rude, very rude. You parents must be ashamed to have such a brutish daughter. And your parents must be mortified to have their precious flower tell such blatant lies."
I think I was perfectly justified in that insult. Sakura just attempted to give me a concussion for chrissake! And Ino already tried!
Brushing off some dust from my pants, I pulled myself upright, noting irritably that both girls were taller than me.
"… This is some kind of prank, I think." Sakura said slowly, apparently forgetting about Ino's claim that I molested her. Either she knew it was false or she doesn't care to avenge her friend. Both options cast an unflattering light on her character.
"Whatever, forehead. I'm going to see Sasuke-kun!" Ino called as she dashed off, followed by an enraged Sakura.
… Well that was kind of surreal. I should follow them, I guess.
xxXXxxXXxxXXxx
Huh. This is the same classroom I took the paper test in, I think. Odd. Very odd.
I pulled the door aside to show a mummified Iruka reaching for the handle, whose only uncovered skin showed on half of his face. Why the hell is he allowed to go around like this?
"Naruto-kun! Where've you been?! I was just going out to look for you!" He asked imperiously, crossing his arms across his chest.
"Ah, sorry, Umi- Iruka-sensei. Forgot where the classroom was." Apparently, scratching the back of the neck when nervous carried over to me.
Iruka's expression softened: "Oh. Right. Sorry for forgetting about that. It's just…"
"Yeah. Hard to get used to, I imagine. Anyway, what happened to you? Why were you allowed out of the hospital in this condition?"
He tried to scratch his cheek, but flinched when his finger made contact.
"I'm fine, really I am." He laughed a bit, "Medical chakra is really amazing. I'm wearing the bandages just because my skin's a little tender. And I'm not really covered that much. These ones on my face are the majority."
… Right, I'm not going to question this.
"Mind stepping aside?"
Iruka jumped to the left and blushed slightly in embarrassment.
My first impression of the classroom was… weird. Weird in the sense of how familiar it seemed.
There were about five rows of wooden desks each on a higher level than he one before it, with a much larger desk in front of all of them where Burned Man was sitting before. I know I've been here before, but it seems almost just like some middle school class. Except for what everyone's wearing, no school I know of would allow earrings and belly shirts. And that the chalkboard is showing calculations on imparting the maximum angular velocity to a kunai whilst ensuring it hits tip first consistently. The number of sharp metal objects being casually displayed for all to see was a bit off-putting, too.
In short, entirely unlike a normal classroom.
Conveniently, every seat was occupied except for the aisle seat next to Sakura and Sasuke. Getting to know them can wait until we're a tema dn I can convince them of the importance of team unity.
… I call railroad plot. Well, whatever. Might be a decent time to mend bridges with Sakura. We're going to be a team, after all.
"Class, Naruto-kun has something to tell you." Iruka announced, drawing some lazy interest from a couple students.
Wait, what?
Oh, the amnesia. I was kind of hoping to say this on my own terms, but I guess it's better to get it out in the open.
"Eh, right," I tossed a glare behind me as the staggering force of a couple preteens' blank stares almost overwhelmed me, "So I'm Uzumaki Naruto and I have amnesia for reasons I can't discuss, I think. It's, ah, nice to meet you all?"
Didn't mean for the last part to come off as a question.
Speech 15/75
FAIL
Goddamn, what's with all these Speech checks? And that was ridiculously high, nobody gets over 50 speech before level 10!
"You're in on this prank too, Iruka-sensei? Does Naruto have blackmail on you?" Sakura asked in the silence, the cunt.
Iruka's stammered denials only seemed to reinforce the now-prevailing opinion that this was an elaborate prank.
Well, this is alright enough. Chunin exams are going to come around within a year, and the more people that think I'm still a blonde doofus, the less people I'll have gunning for me.
"Stop whatever troublesome thing you're doing, Naruto. I want a peaceful last day in class." A boy wearing fishnet underneath a grey, sleeveless jacket said sleepily. I think that was Nara Shikamaru, judging by how tired he seems to be. And the word 'troublesome'.
Well, this is an annoying bunch of kids. I wish they weren't going to be my future companions.
I strolled up to the empty seat and dropped into it, purposefully avoiding looking at Sakura or Sasuke.
"Well," Iruka coughed and continued. Is he really okay? "Now that everyone is here, I want to congratulate you all on passing the Exams one final time. It has been an honor teaching you and I'm sure you will go on to become great shinobi."
Some purple-haired girl I don't recognize spoke up. "That reminds me, how did blondie over there pass? Didn't he flunk every single test?"
A chorus of agreeing murmurs washed over the room. It sounded rather odd.
Coughing a bit again, Iruka answered. "Naruto-kun managed to show his competence in another way. We gave him another retest and he managed to pass this time. The rest of the details are classified."
Way to go, genius. Now everyone's going to be badgering me about this.
… Or not, judging by how many people are quietly accepting that reason. How brainwashed are these kids to just accept it when a teacher tells them to stop investigating?
"Getting back on track," He said, "I wanted to say a few words before I announce who you'll be working with as genin, chunin, and jonin. You've all learned so much in this class, some more than others," He cast a glare at Shikamaru and faltered when turning to me, "But if you take only one thing away from my class, take this: the most powerful shinobi isn't the fastest, or the smartest, or the one who can wield a katana like an extension of their arm. It's the one with many friends and comrades, ready and able to assist him or her whenever trouble strikes. While personal strength is important, true bonds of friendship can allow a genin to defeat a jonin."
Rather eloquent. Is this a hint for passing the true Genin Exam? 'Focus on your teammates rather than yourself' is basically what Kakashi taught the original Team 7, so maybe Iruka was trying to give a hint on what to do?
"Iruka coughed again. Or maybe he cleared his throat. "Team 9 is still in circulation, so that number will be skipped. Team 1 will be Mizuno Ami, Nakamoto Emi, and Kan Nobuyori."
The purple-haired girl from before let her head slam into the desk, imitated by another girl, this one brunette, and a redheaded boy. Not only do I not recognize the members, this team breaks the rule of 'two males per female' on a genin team. I guess this isn't an actual policy and it's just a coincidence that the teams I know of all follow the pattern.
"Team 2 will be-" Another series of names I didn't recognize rolled out of his mouth.
"Team 3 will-"
"Team 5-"
"Team-"
Wait, what was that last one?
"Team 10 will be Yamanaka Ino, Nara Shikamaru, and Akimichi Choji."
Shit, missed Team 7. Well, I suppose it's almost guaranteed that I'll be on it. And, if I'm not, then the Team 8 instructor, whose name escapes me for the moment, will only get two people moving over to her. Unless there are more teams than I remember.
… Nah. Well, highly unlikely. What team would be so despised that every fanfiction I've read would cut them out?
"Your Jonin-sensei will enter and call out which team they teach. You've all been great students and I wish you luck in your future careers as protectors of Konoha." Is… is he crying? He's wiping the corner of his eye, but it's possible he's just getting a bit of dust off.
A laconic-looking man wearing what I assume to be standard jonin attire, a blue jumpsuit underneath a green flak jacket, and smoking a cigarette strolled into the room and announced, "Team 10 with me."
... Isn't he some kind of family to the Hokage? I might not have remembered Konohamaru, but I'm sure I wouldn't make the same mistake twice. For the hundredth time.
Shikamaru, Ino, and who I assume to be Choji (not many overweight characters in anime) followed him out of the room just before another jonin entered. This one was a woman, untamed black hair and red eyes drawing attention away from the bandage-toga dress with a red sleeve. It was probably the weirdest clothing I've ever seen someone wear outside of a cosplayer.
"I am Yuhi Kurenai, sensei of Team 8," She said perfuntorally.
Hinata, some kid with a white puppy (Akamaru and his pet dog, Kiba), and one last kid wearing a raincoat and another pair of awesome sunglasses (bug-user named Shiro?) trailed after her.
Several more sensei, each seeming more dull and bland than the last entered the room and took away the rest of the kids, so I assume I'm on team 7. Can't hurt to confirm it, though.
"Hey, Iruka-sensei, I'm on Team 7, right?"
He jumped slightly before fixing a frown on his face.
"Didn't you pay attention, Naruto-kun? Yes, you are. You and your new teammates are the only student unclaimed by a teacher."
"Ehe, just checking." This time, I was the one chuckling nervously and scratching my cheek.
xxXXxxXXxxXXxx
"Well, it looks like you instructor is running late." Iruka mumbled nervously, his voice carrying out to the rest of us.
I couldn't resist throwing in my two cents (or is it ryo, now?), "I'd hardly call an hour just 'running late', sensei."
Sakura nodded timidly and Sasuke showed no reaction.
"I, uh, would love to stay with you all waiting for your jonin-sensei, but I'm already kind of behind on some paperwork I put off joining you all, so…" He let the sentence dangle pathetically.
"We don't need supervision." Holy shit, did Sasuke just speak voluntarily?!
… That may or may not be very impressive. Again, I didn't watch the original series very much.
"Right, well, um… Good luck? Stay safe? Don't trash the classroom?" He gave up and just trudged out of the door.
… That's such a stupid joke. It'll be hilarious.
"Know what I feel like doing?" I asked rhetorically, to neither of their interests, "Trashing the classroom."
"I'll tell Iruka-sensei." Sakura mumbled half-heartedly, the tattle-tale.
Sasuke merely grunted and shifted even farther away from me.
No sense of humor, the both of them.
xxXXxxXXxxXXxx
You know, it occurs to me that I didn't actually learn tree-walking. I kind of got distracted when I leveled the Leaf-sticking Exercise. Where could I finish this…
"Bathroom alert. Tell whoever our sensei is where I am?"
Sakura's the one who grunted this time, while Sasuke didn't even react.
"I'll take that as a yes. Later."
Alright, now where's the bathroom? While doing it outside would be easier, there's the distinct possibility that Kakashi will actually show up while I'm gone.
xxXXxxXXxxXXxx
Omake: Super cereal time
Sarutobi sighed as he felt Naruto's unique chakra signature escape his senses. The damn boy couldn't just keep himself out of trouble, could he?
The old Hokage chuckled mirthlessly and lit his pipe with a minor fire jutsu. He gave it a couple puffs and considered what to do.
After all, this wasn't the same as pranking a villager or failing a test, Naruto had performed one of the most mysterious jutsu he had ever encountered and was apparently fundamentally altered as a result. Naruto was different, no doubt about that; his stance, his gait, his personality, hell, even his musculature was radically different from the previous day. Some of the changes were simply more obvious than others.
And therein lay the rub. Sarutobi couldn't be sure if this was Naruto or merely a poor imposter. Some things, the amount of chakra, subtle mannerisms, stayed the same. However, several other characteristics, such as the boy's enthusiasm near the end of their meeting, seemed unfamiliar and faked. Still more behaviors were completely out of left field, to borrow an expression he'd caught from a foreign traveler.
Creating an infiltrator that matched Naruto in several important ways but diametrically opposed in almost everything else would appeal to his former student, Orochimaru. The traitor couldn't pass up a chance to pull one over his once-mentor, especially in such a blatant yet subtle manner.
The safest course of action would be to simply rip the Kyuubi out of this new Naruto and hold it in a specially-prepared inanimate container, transferring the beast whenever it seemed ready to escape. It was prudent, cautious, Danzo-like. While Sarutobi understood his counterpart meant well for Konoha, he seemed to lack any kind of long-ranged goals other than the eventual domination of all other nations. Even this ambition was fraught with perils, as such a large country would inevitably splinter into various territories ruled over by warring kings.
But that was enough about his former teammate. Sarutobi simply needed a method of determining if this was the true Naruto. Simply checking the seal would prove nothing, as a tailed beast's chakra could be replicated in small amounts and releasing too much would spell disaster for anybody within a few blocks.
Perhaps…
"Ocelot, please examine young Naruto-kun thoroughly. Take several samples and analyze them for traces of the Kyuubi's chakra." Sarutobi spoke to a seemingly-empty room.
A slight breeze passed through the room, telling the God of Shinobi that his request was being carried out before he finished speaking.
ANBU Ocelot was his medical specialist, trained primarily in forensic techniques and autopsy procedures. While not nearly as talented as his other former pupil, Tsunade, Ocelot made up for it with specialization and constant practice. Tsunade, perhaps because of her affinity for medicine, never bothered to truly apply herself unless a challenge was presented to her. Such a shame.
Though, to be entirely honest, what Ocelot was asked to do wasn't particularly difficult. Such a skilled shinobi performing the analysis would only improve it's reliability and accuracy by a small degree. Jinchuuriki were fundamentally affected by the presence of tailed beast chakra in their coils. While this usually resulted in nothing more that increased physical ability, Naruto was special in that he received two gifts without the Kyuubi's consent: a mild healing factor and his whiskers. The whiskers were, while mildly sensitive to the touch, in the end nothing more than a curiously. The healing, on the other hand, was infinitely more useful. And interesting.
Whenever Naruto received an injury, be it a cut, scrape, or mild poison (the stubborn lad wouldn't listen when Sarutobi said the ramen went bad), the Kyuubi's chakra exited the seal and rushed straight to the injury (or liver, in the case of the food poisoning), seemingly accelerating the cell division process. Normally, this would result in a drastically shortened lifespan, but the chakra also seemed to 'repair' the cells somehow, increasing the time they could survive without dividing. The net effect was nothing more than the normal time to live as an average Uzumaki, which was around 200 years, give or take a few decades.
This process left an indelible mark on the affected areas. And, even if this 'Bodily Modification Jutsu' managed to erase even that, all Ocelot would need to do is induce the healing effect again and record the results.
Other test were available, too. Genetic sequencing, to check if the results matched Naruto's current file, continued informal psychological evaluation, and interrogation (the least attractive option) were all viable.
Sarutobi hoped Ocelot's results were conclusive enough that nothing more would be necessary. The sequencing and evaluations would still be done, but a definitive first test would rule out the need for calling out Ibiki or Anko.
Sarutobi Hiruzen merely did what was necessary as a Hokage: hoping for the best, preparing for the worst.
xxXXxxXXxxXXxx
… Aaaand done! Whew, this monster chapter was hard to write. Hopefully it meets with your approval.
I'm not going to promise any kind of update schedule, since so many other things are taking up my attention nowadays.
The last scene with Sarutobi was something I felt had to be in here, but I couldn't think of any way to shoehorn it into the main narrative. Whether it actually happened or if it's just a snippet I cleaned up and displayed for your viewing entertainment is entirely up to you.
EDIT: Got rid of a couple unnecessary stat checks, clarified a few points in Tenten's conversation, and slightly improved Naruto's knowledge of his classmates.