First of all, I'm really sorry about the wait. I swear I didn't mean to take so long. I thought I'd use my vacation to lay back and write some, but my friends and family had other plans for me, so I barely even stayed at home, or had any quality writing time when I did.
That said, when I did get time to write, things came slower than usual and this chapter is also longer than usual, and I wasn't liking it so it took a lot of rewriting to get to a somewhat presentable work. I'm still very insecure about it but I have too much anxiety and after a lot of reading it over and editing it I finally came to a point where I thought I wasn't making it any better anymore so I might as well post it already and stop making you wait. If I ever come back and make it better I'll update it again, but for now it's what I have, so here you go. I apologize for the huge delay.
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…
Felicity was sitting in her chair, next to Oliver, resting her forehead on the cold metal of the table and clutching his hand in hers. He had just been sedated, so it would take a long time for him to wake up again, and Digg took that opportunity to drop by his house and check if Lyla would need anything, but he'd promised to be back soon, way before Oliver woke up, since obviously Felicity couldn't be the first face he saw if they wanted to avoid a repeat performance of what had just happened.
For now she could hold his hand, while he slept soundly. She could organize her thoughts and ponder on what this whole situation meant for her. She couldn't just unsee everything that happened, or pretend she didn't hear what he said in that video, even if it wasn't meant for her ears. Tears prickled her eyes every time she remembered about it. What was she supposed to do now? How did they come back from something like this? It was all so absurd she couldn't even begin to comprehend that he had indeed gone as far as he did, or the fact that he did it because he loved her. She grunted, lifting her head to look at his face, sighing in frustration that she would have to wait God knows how long for him to wake up, and even then she didn't know if he would be in a good enough mental shape to have a conversation with her.
"Talking to yourself?"Digg was stepping towards her, jolting her from her position.
"Thinking out loud, apparently," she scoffed with a forced smile, "What are we gonna do with him, Digg? How could he even think about doing something like this?"
"I don't know," Digg admitted, rubbing a hand in the back of his neck, "One thing that's for sure is that I will kick his crazy ass as soon as he can stand up," he said with a half smile.
Felicity tried to smile back, but it turned into a shake of her head, before she looked up at the ceiling, trying to control the tears.
"Hey," Digg said with a hand on her forearm, "We'll figure this out, Oliver still has a lifetime of poor decisions ahead of him, I wish I could say this is the worse we'll ever have to deal with, but the guy can be pretty stupid when he wants to," this time he actually drew a weak smile from her, and then after a pause he got a serious expression, "that is, if you want to be here, I would understand if you…"
"Digg, I'll be here, I was never the one who wanted to leave," she sighed heavily, "everything about this, from the beginning, was just all kinds of messed up, I should never have left."
"Felicity, this is not your fault, not by a long shot, so just don't, okay? He brought this one on himself."
Felicity nodded once, slowly, and turned her eyes away from his and to the floor, suddenly not sure what to do with her hands.
"You should try to get some sleep," Digg said after a beat, "tomorrow is gonna be a rough day for all of us. Take the cot in the back, I'll just stay in the chair, in case he wakes up."
"Yeah, okay, I'll try." She appreciated the fact that he didn't ask her to leave, and just understood how important it was for her to be there, and that she had the right to.
She took one look at the cot that was set in the far corner of the lair, seeing the scrambled blanket on top, knowing that's where Oliver had been sleeping, and knew this was going to be a long night. Settling on the rough fabric, she wrapped his covers around her and closed her eyes, trying to pretend everything was fine and get her brain to shut down.
Diggle sat back in the chair beside Oliver, hearing Felicity's shifting in the back and hoping she could get some rest, despite the circumstances. How was it that his grown man of a partner was more of a handful than his two month old? He looked at the subject of his mental scolding and shook his head in disapproval, finding that the gesture actually helped ease some of the frustration of having to wait hours to give him a proper piece of his mind. He sighed as a highlight real of the last few hours played in his mind and closed his eyes, willing sleep to come soon.
Surprisingly, Diggle fell asleep soon after - apparently having a small child makes it easier to sleep through stressful situations. However, sometime after midnight his phone jolted him awake, buzzing with a text from Oliver. He opened it, after shooting a confused look to the still unconscious man on the table, finding that it was an explanation of what he had done, and instructions for where to find him and use the cure. Well at least he thought it through, he thought bitterly, feeling the anger bubbling up once again and turning away from Oliver because, baby or not, there was no way he would get back to sleep with that guy in sight.
As she had foreseen, Felicity had a restless sleep, drifting in and out of consciousness to find that only minutes had passed, her anxiety dragging the time in an excruciating pace. It felt like days instead of hours when finally it was three in the morning, making it eight hours since the sedation. According to Digg, the effect would be wearing off, meaning Oliver wouldn't take too long to wake up. She was trembling with anticipation, not knowing what to expect from today, but knowing it was a changing point in her life, for better or for worse. Glancing over, she saw both men were still asleep, so she took out her tablet, and tried to distract herself to make time hurry on, giving up on sleep completely even when her burning eyes were begging for it.
The first muffled grunts she heard almost sent her hyperventilating. It had already been two hours since she'd been just sitting there waiting for that moment, to which she was somewhat grateful for, it was good that he got some sleep, he obviously really needed the rest, if the dark circles around his eyes and the tired expression even while he slept were anything to go by, but that didn't mean she wasn't agitated, though, because she needed to know if he was going to be okay, if he'd be sane. They needed to talk, there was too much to be explained, and just the possibility of seeing him lose himself again was more than she thought she'd be able to bare.
She watched from afar as Digg sat up straight, and Oliver mumbled something with his eyes still closed. She made sure to stay out of his sight, but still in a place she could see the both of them, too eager to know how he'd be. Diggle stood up and reached a bottle of water to Oliver's lips, because he was still tied to the table.
"How are you feeling?" Diggle asked after Oliver gulped down the water.
"Like I've been beat up," he answered, with a hint of confusion in his voice, and then tugged on the restraints, "What are these for?"
"Nothing comes to mind?" Digg raised an eybrow.
Oliver furrowed his brows for a second, gathering his thoughts, and then his eyes went wide as the memory came back. He shut his eyes and let his head fall on the metal with a thud.
"No," he whispered, after he took a look around the room as if to make sure of something.
"Yes," Diggle replied, not able to hold back the anger from his tone, "Care to explain why I got a message in the middle of the night saying you had injected yourself with mirakuru and I had to come here and cure you?"
Oliver shook his head and swallowed hard, taking yet another look around the room. "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry, I don't know what got into me, I needed… I just… no, there's nothing I can say that will make this okay, I'm so sorry."
"Damn right there isn't! I have a family, Oliver! What we do is already dangerous enough without having you being crazy, uncontrollable and jacked up. You know a hundred ways to kill a person and you go around injecting yourself with a drug that will make you a hallucinating superhuman? Did you give any thought to what could have happened if you had gotten out of here? You made a hole on the ground with your fists, Oliver! Who knows what you could have done with someone that crossed your way!"
Oliver closed his eyes, knowing he deserved a lot worse for what he had done, "I needed to see her one more time."
"You had no right to send her away," Digg lowered his voice to an almost whisper, the harshness on his tone never wavering, as he once again brought up the argument they'd had a hundred times over the last six weeks, "she was a part of this team just as much as you and me and you single handedly decided to make her go away, none of us got a say in it, and even then I stuck around, because I believe in what we do, but now you want to get high on mirakuru to see her again? You don't get to do that, you don't get to be that irresponsible, and you don't get to ask me to come here and cure you, you don't get to put me or anyone else in danger because you can't live with your own decisions. If you're dumb enough to make them, be man enough to face the consequences," he hissed pressing his index finger on Oliver's chest, who turned his face away from him and took a deep breath.
"I know, I'm sorry…" he trailed off.
"You know what? I've had it with you, Oliver," he threw his hands up, "next time you pull your stupid shit you better be prepared to face it all alone."
"Digg," Oliver swallowed, having a hard time looking him in the eye. Digg glowered at him and waited. "Did you do it? Did it work? The cure, did it work?"
"Yes, I did, and judging by how you haven't broken out of those restraints yet, I'd say it worked, yeah."
Oliver nodded, "thank you."
Digg approached the table once more, and started to undo the restraint on his right hand.
"There's someone here to see you," he said once Oliver sat up, using his right hand to free his left from the table. He looked up at Diggle, confused, and Diggle looked back to where Felicity appeared at the back.
Oliver's eyes went wide and he froze midway through bending to free his feet. He looked back at Digg and despair crossed his face.
"She can't be here, she said she was never coming back, I drove her away," he said barely above a whisper.
"Yes, I was there, I remember, but she came back, she was worried about you."
Digg could see the suspicion cross his face, and he narrowed his eyes.
"Why would she be worried about me? She doesn't know about what I did, she said she never wanted to hear about me again."
"Yes, but for some reason she still cares about you and wanted to see you, now you have to calm yourself down and remember that I cured you, you can't be hallucinating anymore, do you understand that?"
Oliver shot a wary look at Felicity, who took a hesitant step forward, and looked between him and Diggle.
"Digg, I had a dream just like this…" Oliver warned, holding his hand out to stop Felicity and looking pleadingly up at Digg.
"It wasn't a dream, Oliver," he answered, "trust me, this is real, and tell me if I can trust you not to lose your shit again so I can let you two have some privacy."
"Okay," Oliver swallowed again and looked at Felicity, searching for a sign that it was really her, but still unable to really believe it. Digg put a hand on his shoulder and squeezed it for reassurance before muttering for him not to be stupid and leaving.
Oliver stayed where he was, sitting on the table, watching as Felicity slowly came over.
"Hey," she said, still a couple feet away, "are you okay?"
"Yeah," he replied weakly, unable to drop his gaze from hers.
"Aren't you gonna get out of those?" She pointed at his feet, not knowing what to say now that she finally had the chance.
Oliver frowned before dropping his eyes and slowly working to free his feet, trying to buy some time to think of why she would really be there. He then sat on the edge of the table, clutching it with his hands until his knuckles turned white, working up the nerve to say something.
Felicity was wringing her hands and looking at the floor when he spoke.
"Why… How did you know?" his voice was so small and full of shame it almost hurt her.
"You made a video…" she finally said after a beat of silence, making his head shoot up and his eyes meet hers, "you accidentally sent it to my tablet."
He took a deep breath, unable to speak at the realization of what she had seen in the video, furrowing his brows and weakly shaking his head, he was almost making a dent in the cool metal where his hands were grasping it, "I'm sorry you saw that, I didn't mean…"
"What?" Felicity cut him off, feeling a wave of rage coursing through her, "What didn't you mean, Oliver? The part where you said you loved me? The part you sent me away? Or the part where you took a dangerous drug and said it was because of me?"
He dropped his head down, not knowing if there was a right thing to say in that moment as her voice got louder and she took a step forward with each sentence. Eventually she was invading his personal space, and he was forced to look back up.
"How could you do that to me?" she asked, balling her fists and slamming them repeatedly on his chest, "How dare you play with me like that? How can you say that you love me when you shut me off? Do you have any idea everything I had to give up to get out of your way? You have no right to come into my new life saying things like that, and making me worry about you when you've broken every promise you ever made me" the words got breathier as she punched him again and again, tears streaming down her face.
Somewhere deep inside him he knew her words were true, and that they should hurt, that once again she was crying and he was the one to blame, but he couldn't bring himself to care about any of that. The only thing going through his mind was that she was there, she was really there and not even all the guilt he was feeling was enough to outshine the happiness that fact brought to him. He covered her hands with his and held them tightly to his chest where she was punching him. She groaned, trying to escape him.
"You're really here," he choked up, looking into her eyes and she stopped trying to pull away from his hold.
"I am," she said, finding hard to maintain a steady voice when he sounded so vulnerable.
A smile took form on his lips, and he ran one of his hands up her arm and to her face, brushing away the tears only to make room for new ones.
"I'm sorry," he repeated, unable to think of anything that could earn her forgiveness.
"Why did you make this mess, Oliver?" She shook her head at him, finally taking her hands back and letting them fall at her sides.
"Please don't," he said as he reached for her again, "I know I don't deserve it, but please stay?"
She let him take her hands again, searching in her heart for a response to his plea. Deep down she didn't want to be away from him either, but it wasn't that simple.
"I don't know if I can deal with this, Oliver," she gestured between them, "I don't want to live in fear that if one day I'm in danger or something happens you're just gonna pull away. You can't protect me from everything, but the fact that you didn't with the one thing you could… You could have been there for me, but instead you just basically kicked me out of your life, and most of my own life in the process, how can I be okay with something like that?"
"I know, and you shouldn't… It was the worst idea I ever had, I just couldn't get over the fact that you were falling apart and it was all my fault. I couldn't shake the feeling that you would only have a chance at a normal, happy life once you were away from me, away from all of this. You had someone willing to give you that, and that was something I couldn't give you, I couldn't even give you the certainty we'd survive to see another day, that's not the life I wanted for you."
"The life you wanted for me? That is not your choice to make! A normal life? Wouldn't even be able to tell you what that looks like, since I never had one, but I was happy, here, with you, with all of you. Sure, we have bad days and we deal with horrible things, but being a part of something, having people to call family? That had been something I'd longed for a long time, and you just ripped it away from me. I didn't go away because you told me to, I went away because it was something I had been bracing myself for since day one. That's how it's always been, when I find something I care about, I end up losing it, so I go away and try to build myself up again. What did you think I was gonna do? Buy a house, get a dog, raise a family, forget all about this? When you told me I'd never lose you I actually believed you, and I don't know if I can ever trust you like that again."
It cut deep through his soul, to realize the extent in which he'd hurt her, the fact that he didn't really stop to think about the ways that could harm her only further confirmed his guilt. Had he been so blinded by the fact that she had someone to go home to and that she didn't turn to him anymore since she'd gotten with Daniel that he actually believed she'd so easily get over losing this, as long as she had someone to make a real life with? All he remembered was watching her eyes going empty day after day and knowing he had to do something to bring life back into them, even if he never got to see it.
"I… I swear I never meant to hurt you, I don't even know how I got to that, all I could think about was how I was ruining your life, by dragging you into this. I've managed to destroy everything good in my life, and I just couldn't think of any other way to stop myself from doing it to you, because you are the best thing that ever happened to me, and losing you, that.. I'm not sure who I would be in a world where you're slipping away into the darkness."
"Well news flash, Oliver! I'm not all sunshine and rainbows! I have a dark side! I've had things happen to me that were not all good and they're a part of who I am too. The fact that I don't brood around all day everyday doesn't mean I don't have the right to have dark days and dark months and be affected by all the filth that we have to deal with. It's okay to let it get to you and it's something I chose, knowing full well about all the implications, I chose to be a part of this, and if there's a possibility I have to kill someone to protect myself then so be it!" She was fed up, exhaustion catching up with her along with all the frustration and anger.
Oliver stood up from the table, leveling her with his gaze, not looking apologetic anymore, "You don't mean that," he said sternly, "don't take that lightly, you were always the one who told me to find another way, even when I was already a murderer. You see now? This is the kind of thing that should never even cross your mind, and if it does it's my fault, and of all the things I'm guilty of, that's the one that weighs the most, that it's even a possibility that you would have to, because of me."
"Do you even know why I did it?"
"What?"
"Why I almost killed that guy?" He gave her the slightest shake of his head, and she went on, "I knew you didn't have the angle to take him down while he was using me as a body shield. And he said he would make me watch you die first."
Oliver gulped, he remembered the guy turning his gun to him and whispering something in her hair. "That only proves my point, that it's my fault."
"Will you stop being so stubborn? Ugh! You're so frustrating! The thought of losing you made me do that! He was the one with the gun, he was the guilty one! How is this any different from when you killed the Count because he had me?"
Hadn't she understood yet? "The difference is you are the one I can't live without!" he ground out.
"So there you have it," the words spilled out of her before she could stop them, she hadn't meant to tell him any of that. She pulled away from him and turned to leave, letting the implications of what she'd just said float in the suddenly cold air between them. She just couldn't discuss this any further without shattering the walls she had safely built since her departure, she couldn't afford letting him in again.
Oliver was astonished, frozen in place, mouth dropping open, trying to convey the meaning behind her words. Watching her leave once again, knowing the agony that would be his once she crossed the door. He felt it in his heart that she wasn't coming back anymore.
"Felicity," he called after her, determined not to leave anything unsaid this time.
She stopped on the first step up the stairs, but only half turned, not meeting his gaze, gripping the rail with much more force than necessary, attempting to find an outlet to the tight, wrenching feeling in her heart, taking a deep breath as she felt him coming towards her. She felt his fingers soft as a whisper against her right shoulder, sending a shiver down her spine, but they were gone as soon as she turned her attention to him.
He hesitated with his hands, fighting between the need to touch her and the will to give her space before shoving them in his pockets. She looked expectantly at him, waiting for whatever he still had to say.
"I know I've been a fool, and a giant idiot, and misleading, and all kinds of wrong, but the truth is, I love you," the last three words were like a relieved sigh escaping him, different from the tense tone he'd been using until then, and she could see a weight being lifted from his shoulders as he said it, " I love you, I have loved you for such a long time, it was true the first time I said it, and it had been true way before then, and I didn't know how to deal with it, because everyone I love ends up hurt or dead or screwed up because I don't know how to take care of people, I just know how to ruin them, it's how I am, and the only way to protect them is to get as far from them as I can. I'm a bad seed, I'm just no good, and I understand that you never want to see me again, but I just couldn't let you go before I said that."
Tears prickled both their eyes, he wiped furiously at them, refusing to let his last memory of her be a blurry one.
"I'm not going anywhere," she whispered as she curled a hand around his neck and brought his forehead to rest on hers, closing her eyes, feeling those carefully constructed walls crumble as his words rang in her head. They stayed like that for a moment, allowing themselves to revel in each others company. Relieve was flooding him and then her hand slid down to his chest and pushed him away. That was more like it.
"I deserve to be here, I belong here, and I'll be damned if I ever let you or anyone else convince me otherwise," she said, hand still on his chest, watching him, "and yes, you have been a fool, and a giant idiot, and all kinds of wrong, but that's only because you sell yourself short, you do know how to take care of people, you do it everyday, what you need to learn is to stop taking the blame for everything that goes wrong in Starling City, otherwise we're just back where we started."
He nodded, realizing he had been holding his breath, managing a weak smile, "thank you".
She leaned into his chest, and he wrapped his arms around her, keeping his mouth closed not to say anything that could make her change her mind, instead he buried his face in her hair, breathing in her presence, her scent, tightening his hold around her, not willing to let go even an inch when she started to step back. Felicity cupped his cheek, anger finally vanished from her, and she ran her thumb over the circles under his eyes, taking in the slightly prominent cheek bone and the paleness of his complexion.
"You need to eat, and sleep," her voice was soft, and she playfully sniffed his shirt, "and take a shower," she smiled as he huffed a laugh, "and so do I. Come on, I'll take you home." She tugged on his hand, heading for the door, before turning back to look at him, "Actually, I didn't drive here, so I hope Digg won't mind."
The ride to Oliver's apartment was filled with an awkward silence, and after pulling over in front of the building Digg asked for a minute with Felicity after Oliver got out. Trying not to think about the conversation they were having, he waited patiently until she opened her door, telling Digg not to worry, and that yes, she would call.
She stepped out of the vehicle and stood in the sidewalk, looking up at the apartment building and the pale blue morning sky.
"Here we are," she muttered, and he smiled at her, putting a hand in the middle of her back and guiding her inside.
Once they entered his spacious living room, he realized how long it had been since the last time he slept here.
"It's been a while, I don't know if I have any food," he said sheepishly, making his way into the kitchen and starting to check the cabinets and the fridge, "Can I interest you in some whole grain cereal or grilled cheese?"
"Mmm, make that grilled cheese," she said, wrinkling her nose at the cereal box, "I could really use a shower first, though."
"Sure, first door on the left, there are clean towels in there."
She fidgeted. ''Actually, could you also lend me some clothes? I didn't bring any."
Their eyes locked for a second and he nodded, signaling her to follow him into his room and then his closet. He grabbed one of his white t-shirts, and a pair of black shorts that were actually Thea's and somehow got mixed with his stuff in the moving, handing them to her."These should fit."
She had to stop herself from swallowing when he gave her his shirt, forcing her eyes away from it, "Thank you."
He smiled. "I'll go make us those grilled cheese sandwiches."
"Yeah, okay, I'll be right there."
Once inside the bathroom she rested her back against the door and sighed heavily, gliding down until she was sitting on the floor. She closed her eyes for a minute to gather herself. It was barely noon and it was already one of the longest days of her life. The feelings she thought she had successfully buried in a place she'd never find came back in full force and she had to decide what to do about them. It had been naive of her to believe she could keep an emotional distance where Oliver was concerned. Her eyelids were getting heavy and she had to make an effort to stand up before she fell asleep right there, finally making her way to the shower.
Once Felicity stepped out of the bathroom, Thea's shorts barely showing underneath his shirt, Oliver had to tame his train of thought from derailing into dangerous territory, remembering he had hurt her a great deal, and the fact that she was even talking to him was already a miracle.
Exhaustion had caught up with both of them by the time they finished their meal in silence, both yawning and blinking slowly. Once they were done Oliver put the dishes in the sink, telling her to make herself at home and that he was heading to the shower.
When he got out, fresh and clean, stubble back down to it's usual size, he was feeling renovated, tiredness somewhat washed away with the shower, although he had to admit it probably had more to do with having Felicity close by than the cold water. He found her asleep in his couch. And it was more the need to do something for her than the concern that the couch wasn't comfortable enough that made him scoop her up from it.
"Oliver," she mumbled, only half aware of what was happening.
"Shhh, I got you, go back to sleep."
She hummed and adjusted herself, burrowing further into his chest. He wondered if she could hear his heart skip a beat.
"There you go," he said, lowering her onto his own bed, rather than the one in the guest room, wanting at least some extent of him to surround her. It was a selfish thing, but he couldn't help but indulge himself.
"Oliver," her hand gripped his shirt when he was moving away.
"I'm here," he replied, voice soft, and stroked her cheek, cracking the most genuine smile he'd been able to manage in months.
"I love you too," the words dragged out as her voice was heavy with sleep, but still his heart was twisting inside his chest. His smile got wider and he lowered himself to give her a chaste kiss on the cheek.
"I'd love to hear you say that when you're awake sometime," he muttered, eyes closed, marveling in the wonder of what it would feel like if she did.
When he pulled back her blue eyes were wide open, filled with a warmth that did nothing to calm his racing pulse. She sat up on the bed and brought him down to sit next to her, running a hand through his hair behind his ear, making his eyes shut of their own accord.
He felt every cell in his body turning into her touch. "I missed you so much," he sighed loudly, letting his head fall, "I love you so, so much."
"I love you too," she said, almost to herself, an admission she had been fighting for a long time, and maybe it was just the stress from the day, but she felt like denying it any longer was just fooling herself. His eyes snapped open to make sure he hadn't imagined it, and she smiled up at him, "I'm awake."
He took her hand and brought it to his lips, careful not to cross any lines, even though he really wanted to cross some lines.
"Do you think I can ever fix this?"
She bit her lips together. "I think we can try."
They stared at each other for what seemed like a long time, but only seconds had passed when they were meeting halfway, their lips crashing together, molding to each other, moving at a hungry pace, and she leaned back on the bed, digging her fingers in his neck and his shoulders, bringing him down on top of her, opening her mouth for him and stroking her tongue over his, tasting the mint from his toothpaste as she explored his mouth. He bit down lightly on her lower lip with his teeth, eliciting a needy, unsolicited moan from her and she felt his smile against the skin of her jaw, that he was now laving with kisses, giving them both room to breathe. He braced himself on his left elbow, and ran his right hand slowly down her side, stopping at the hem of her t-shirt and looking up at her.
She bit on her lower lip and nodded once, burning from the fire his lips and fingers left on their wake. Kissing her again, he groaned, slipping his hand over her bare skin, stroking and squeezing her hipbone before trailing up. In return, she gripped his shirt and scraped her nails over both his sides as she worked it out of him. He let his lips leave her for only a moment to get rid of the shirt but when he moved to place them back on hers she pushed him and rolled them over, straddling him, feeling where he was already hard for her, circling her hips against his once for good measure, laughing breathily at his loud growl before arching down to place kisses along his chest, scraping her nails across his abdomen, making him hiss when they cut over his nipples, his hands not so gently grasping her thighs, sneaking his fingers beneath her shorts only to find she didn't have any underwear on. He was unable to stop his hips from jerking upwards, both of them moaning with the sudden friction.
In one swift motion he removed her shirt, and without warning he was sitting up, taking one of her breasts in his mouth and the other in one of his rough hands, the other splayed on her back, balancing her as she rolled her head back, grinding her down against him as she gasped, before he claimed her lips back. Every possible inch of them was glued together, in their tangle of wandering hands and bruising kisses, their bodies screamed the desperate need for each other that they had been so carefully trying to hide, afraid that it would make the loss that much more unbearable.
Oliver leaned her back on the bed, taking a moment to shimmy out of his sweat pants, kicking them to the floor. Before Felicity could fully appreciate the view, though, he was settling on top of her, beginning to trail sucking kisses from her mouth down, his stubble dragging on her skin, rolling her nipples between his fingers as he kissed her sternum, hands moving to hook around the band of her shorts as his mouth resumed it's way south. He moved his hands along with his lips, tugging down her shorts at a deliciously, irritatingly slow pace. By the time his mouth reached past her navel, he dragged the last piece of clothing between them all the way out, throwing it behind his back and returning his attention to Felicity's body, hands traveling up her legs, pushing them apart, mouth biting lightly at her inner thigh.
Then his mouth was unceremoniously kissing and sucking her clit, and she was already so close. "Oliver," she called, breathlessly. He hummed his response without looking up or taking his mouth from her. She gripped fistfuls of the sheets. Fuck, he was trying to kill her. His tongue felt wonderful as it worked over her, inside her, but she just needed more. "Oliver!" She managed a steady voice this time, and he stopped to look questioningly up at her. She placed a hand behind his neck, pulling him up her body, "Oliver, I need you, all of you, now." He smiled, pressing his lower abdomen where it was touching her core, and she whimpered. His grin got wider. "Yeah, yeah, very funny, now where do you keep the condoms?"
He just looked at her, it was more than amusement, it was happiness. He looked at her like she was everything, and she just had to kiss him. He moved up the bed to deepen the kiss and she took the opportunity to reach down and curl her fingers around him, pumping once, twice. He grunted against her mouth, pulling back. "Felicity," he warned. They were both too close.
It was her turn to smile. "Who's laughing now?"
"Okay, condom." He reached over to the bedside table, coming up with the small square foil, which she immediately took out of his hand, opening it with her teeth before rolling it onto him.
When he positioned himself, they looked into each others eyes, no words needed. He watched her lips part and her eyes close as he pushed inside, slowly, until he was completely buried inside her. "You okay?"
She opened her eyes. "Yeah." She rolled her hips up, catching him by surprise.
He hissed and picked up a rhythm, first slow and shallow, and then getting deeper, harder, faster, Felicity's nails scratching his back, meeting him thrust for thrust, until he brought his thumb over her clit, pressing and rubbing circles on it, and it didn't take long before she was falling apart, clenching down on him, his name on her lips, his lips everywhere, his hips slowing down as he eased her through the aftershocks, and then she felt his muscles tensing and his pace getting frantic. She braced her hands on his shoulders, digging her heels in his back, her body still so very sensitive from her orgasm, and she felt every twitch of his body until he came inside her with a grunt, face buried into her neck. He stayed there, panting, trying to hold most of his weight from crushing her until he recovered enough to move.
She stroked his hair with one hand, the other lazily drawing patterns on his back, he hummed happily and turned into her touch, reluctantly pulling out of her after giving her a sweet kiss. He went quickly to the bathroom to discard the condom, Felicity was already starting to drift asleep when he dipped the bed beside her, settling on one of the pillows before reaching out to pull her to his side, adjusting the covers around them, both so relaxed and tired they fell asleep in a matter of seconds, lost in the feel of each other.
The sun wasn't up yet when Oliver woke up from a dreamless sleep, the tips of Felicity's fingers tracing a path up and down his chest slowly drawing him back to consciousness, his hand coming to rest on top of hers. He couldn't remember ever feeling this happy so early in the morning. She perched her chin atop of his chest to look at him, greeting him with a smile, but it didn't reach her eyes. His heart sank.
He brushed her hair behind her ears, brows creasing. "Hey, is something wrong? Do you… do you regret this? We don't have to, I understand, it's too much…"
She kissed him quiet. "No. Stop. It's nothing like that. I don't regret this." She stroked the underside of his jaw. "Hey, this was, we are, wow, yeah I won't be regretting any of that."
That earned her a faint smile. "Then what is it?"
"It's silly," she tried to brush it off, lying her head back on his chest, but he just waited, and she knew he wasn't going to let her drop it. Her eyes welled up. "It's just… I realized how close this came to never happening…"
He held her tighter.
"You could have died, Oliver."
"I'm sorry, I'm so sorry," he whispered into her hair, arms overlapping around her.
She turned into his embrace to meet his eyes. "I don't want to lose you again, Oliver."
"You never did. I'm yours, I'll always be yours, in whichever way you want me."
"I want you like this."
He smiled. "Then I'm not going anywhere."
"Good." She leaned down to kiss him.
They spent most of the day in bed, only getting up to eat whatever was left in Oliver's pantry. Today they would stay in that bubble, leaving the worries for later. There was still a long way to go, but their problems would still be there the next morning, and they would deal with them when it came to it. It wasn't going to be easy but they would be there to pick each other up. The important thing was that they loved each other, and they would go from there.
….
.
.
I feel like I have to apologize again. I know, I shouldn't attempt at writing anything smut like in my lifetime, rest assured, I don't think that will be happening again. One time was enough. I don't know why my brain did that to me, but it was a part of the story and I had to write it down. Sorry.
Unfortunately (or fortunately) this is the end, thanks to everybody who's been reading and reviewing, you people are awesome and I love you all, sorry I suck so bad.
Reviews are much appreciated