Chapter 1-Too much

I'm so sorry for this.

The idea just came out of nowhere and I had to write it.
Let's not dwell to hard on the reason behind Felicity being gone, personally I think she would never do it,
but then this story couldn't happen and my brain was begging it to, so for the sake of this story, let's assume she could.

Title from the song Falling Slowly.

It had been a month since he'd last seen her.

They had argued about her being out in the field, but Digg had been in the hospital waiting for his baby to be born, and Oliver did need somebody to watch the back door for him an tap into the internal security system. It was a recon mission, simple enough, and she was supposed to stay in the car. They hadn't anticipated the two guys that arrived out of nowhere, and took her out of the driver seat after punching her in the head. She had been in the most danger she'd ever been, the danger of losing her soul. She had come close to killing a man when Oliver almost didn't get to her in time.

It's still blurry in his mind, the moment he got to the warehouse across from where he was, he heard her screaming in his earpiece, then there was sounds of a struggle, when he finally fought off the guy holding him back and stormed through the door, the man was holding a gun to her head, and Oliver felt scared. He saw her reaching for the knife he'd insisted she'd carry, and that she did just to humor him. Praying that, if it came to it, she'd have the courage to use it.

He had an arrow ready to fly, he shouted at the guy to drop the gun and then saw him whisper something in her ear and her whole body cringe, making fury wash through him like fire. Then the gun shifted the slightest in Oliver's direction and he saw her take the chance, half turning her torso as best as she could with the guy holding her by the neck and stabbed him in the side. When he remembered it, he never had asked what the guy had said to her.

The guy screamed in pain, dropping to his knees, and by the way he was contorting himself with each breath Oliver imagined she'd hit one of his lungs. He almost missed when she took the gun from the ground and pointed it at the guy, fear and something else behind her eyes when he called her name and snapped her out of it. She tossed the gun and looked at him with tears in her eyes. It was all too fast, he ran to her, embracing her as he dialed 911asking for an ambulance and the Detective Lance. He made sure the guy had a pulse and cleaned the fingerprints on the gun before picking up the knife and taking her out of there.

She was shaking, shivering as the adrenaline wore off, and the tears were now streaming down her face, but she was silent as he drove them back to the foundry. She barely waited for the van to come to a full stop before she got out, punching the code at the door and making her way to the computers. He watched her, worried, she was too quiet. He walked over, took her hand in his.

"Are you okay?" He'd asked, knowing it was a stupid question but trying to get her to talk it out. She just shot him a look and turned back to her screen. He looked at it too and saw she was monitoring the hospital entry for the guy she stabbed. He swallowed.

"Felicity, look at me, it's not your fault, he was going to kill you… please say something," he was begging and he didn't care, he couldn't bear to see that broken look on her for another second. She stayed silent and dropped her eyes to her hands, apparently for the first time, because she couldn't avert them from the blood stain between her thumb and index finger. It wasn't big, but he knew the weight that sight could bring. He needed to do something, he wanted to hold her until she was all cried out and tell her that he was there for her in every way she could want him, but he couldn't, she had someone for that, and it wasn't him.

"Do you want me to call Daniel?" He'd said, trying to swallow the bitter taste those words left in his mouth because since the other man had come along she had distanced herself from him. That got her to look back up, but it wasn't better because there was anger flashing behind her eyes.

"And tell him what exactly, Oliver? Your girlfriend needs you because she almost killed a guy during her night job helping me fight crime, oh and by the way I'm the Arrow? Not to mention almost is being optimistic because the guy is critical and could still die." She was crying and screaming at him and the guilt that flooded him was heavier than any he'd felt before. If that guy died it was on him, if she had killed a person it was on him, the fact that she was even in that position to begin with was on him. For all the good she had brought to his life this is the kind of thing he brought to hers. He bit his tongue hard enough to draw blood, trying to find an outlet for all those emotions as he looked in her eyes, willing with all his strength to hold back his tears.

She just looked up at him in challenge for a moment, before turning back to the status updates on the guy she sent to the hospital. That guy couldn't die, it was all he could think of, that and the fact that this was never going to happen again, he didn't know how yet but he would make sure of it, whatever it took.

As it was it took him everything.

Even though the man had made it through and was now a fully recovered, healthy prisoner in Iron Heights, Oliver had made a vow to himself, and the way he found to shield her from his mission and all the consequences that came with it, was to shut her out, to drive her away.

It had hurt him like extracting a limb, twice as much, because he'd had to hurt her too. He told her they didn't need her anymore, that he had worked a deal with Waller to get information, she owed him that much after all he did for her in Hong Kong, and the last part was true, but he knew she could see right through all his lies. She could tell he was lying when he said he didn't need her, but she could also tell that he wanted her to believe him, that he wanted to drive her away, and it hurt her all the same. He broke his promise that she'd never lose him, because he couldn't lose her.

In the end she granted him his wish, warning him that it was final, if it was what he wanted, she would go, and she would be gone forever. He was never to look for her again, she would leave and never look back, if that was what he really wanted. He said it was, and she was gone. He didn't even know if she was still dating Daniel or not, he didn't know anything about her, other than the fact that she kept contact with Digg, who was as pissed at him as he was at himself, so he knew he would never give Oliver anything even if he asked.

It had been a month and he was barely hanging there. By now he knew his idea was probably not the best way he could have handled things, but it was done, and she was safe, that was all that mattered. His every second was filled by the need to see her again, to have her comforting presence grounding him in the foundry, have her voice in his ears when he was on a mission. But then he thought about all the times she'd been in danger, the Count, the Dollmaker, Slade… He remembered telling her he loved her, the relief he felt for finally being able to say it, and all the while letting her think it was just to fool Slade.

He remembered the moment Slade had his blade on her neck, and then something else struck him, a fading memory of what he said to Slade, a realization he had about Shado, Slade saw her, she was dead, gone forever, but he had her at his side, whichever twisted version of her it had been, right now Oliver couldn't help envying that. He thought about the mirakuru sample sitting in a safe in Star Labs, a sample only his team and Dr. Wells knew about. He scoffed at his stupid idea, he'd made it five years without knowing if he'd live to see the sunrise again and one month without her was driving him insane, how the hell did that happen? He stood up and turned off the foundry lights, he needed some sleep.

It was living like a recovering addict, one day at a time, every time he made it through the day to rest his head against his pillow again was a victory, even if he spent most of his nights just lying awake. For the next two weeks he revisited that terrible idea in his late night musings, he kept repeating to himself that it was a stupid idea, while still unable to help planning in his mind how he would do it. He knew it was bad, and dangerous (and did he mention completely crazy?), to say the least, but he was never going to act on it, so he let his imagination run wild with anything that would get him through the night until he fell asleep.

The dreams were expected, they happened more often than not, different scenarios where she was leaving him, and he couldn't move or say anything to stop her, not much different from what actually happened, and he woke up with a start, with the sinking knowledge that that particular nightmare was his reality now.

But tonight the dream was different, she was leaving, getting inside her car and driving away, but as she was turning on the corner another car crashed into hers, and he watched as her tiny red car become half its size, crushing her life inside of it, unable to scream, unable to cry, unable to run to her. He came to with a hoarse scream, realizing he must have been screaming in his sleep.

He was used to nightmares, but that one really terrified him. The idea that something could happen to her, even when she was as far from him as she could get, even not being a part of his life anymore, the thought that even if she was living the normal life she was supposed to there were still things that could hurt her and erase her existence, ignited something deep inside him. He needed her, he needed to see her like he needed air.

He had such a feeble grasp to his sanity right now that he didn't even hesitate before getting up from his bed and heading out. He didn't use his hood that night when he broke into Star Labs, he was wearing a black clothes and a ski mask. He got in the safe, took the flask and got out as fast as he could, able to avoid the security cameras and the guards, following the detailed plan he had made in his mind while telling himself it was just a silly idea he'd never act on.

Now he was in the lair sitting in her chair, looking at the flask filled with green liquid in his hand. He knew Wells would call the Arrow soon, that Digg would come here, worried about who might have taken the mirakuru and what they could be planning to do, he had thought that part through too. They still had some of the cure stashed away, and Star Labs would surely be making more of it now. He would give the cure to Digg, tell him to keep it with him, and would send him a message telling him who to use it on if he really decided to inject himself. He considered going back to the island to do it, so he wouldn't be a danger to anyone.

"I'm losing my mind," he muttered to himself, running a hand through his hair and putting the mirakuru away in his old trunk, with the other stuff from the island. He knew he should just destroy it, but he couldn't bring himself to. He laid back in his cot, it was almost morning now, knowing it wouldn't be long before there was a call about the break in. He closed his eyes and tried to quiet his thoughts, not sure of what he was doing anymore.

Sure enough his phone rang at 6 a.m., a very worried Dr. Wells telling him about what he already knew had happened.

"Is there any evidence about who did it?" Was all he said when the doctor finally stopped talking.

"No, it was like he knew exactly where to look and how to go unnoticed."

Oliver held back his sigh of relief, he might get away with his utter lapse of judgement after all. "We'll get him," was all he answered before ending the call. Not long after the door was opening.

"Oliver, have you seen the news?" Diggle's voice sounded across the room. It would be harder to sound convincing with his friend.

"I just got a call." He tried to keep it short.

"It's the mirakuru isn't it? The reporter just said a valuable piece of research was stolen." Digg was aggravated.

"Yes, Dr. Wells just told me, they have nothing on who it could be though."

"Do you have any idea? You think Slade could be behind it?"

"I don't know, but I don't see how Slade could do anything from the place he's being held."

"That's what I thought too, but you can never be sure with him."

"I guess we can't, you should take our samples of the cure and keep them close, protect your family if it gets out again."

Digg looked confused. "The samples are safe here."

"Yes, I meant a part of them, just for precaution," Oliver answered.

"Okay," Digg's tone was unsure.

"You know, you should send one to..." He trailed off, but Digg nodded, and he took that as the end of the subject, taking a t-shirt from one of the shelves and pulling it on. "Want to get some breakfast? I'll stop at my apartment before I make it to work. Wait, how did you know I was here?"

"Tracker on the phone, remember?" Digg said, "You sleep here half the time now so I just started checking before I leave, let's go get some food then," they left the foundry, Oliver sparing one last glance in his trunk's direction.

Needless to say, Oliver didn't get much work done that day, he mostly stared out the window of his office, remembering who was by his side helping him get it back, and that all she would take from him before leaving was a letter of recommendation. He wanted to give her a sizeable amount of money but she didn't take it. She wanted nothing do to with him, even the letter of recommendation she had asked him to have the IT director write it.

He swallowed drily, he still felt it in his soul the pain of having her look at him the way she did the last time he saw her. What wouldn't he give to change that memory. He realized the question of how much he would give to see her again had never been so literal like it was just now, and he was afraid the answer would be anything and everything.

His mind kept going to the green liquid stashed in the foundry, thinking of all the reasons he should never use it, trying to hold on to his rationality. When Amanda called giving the whereabouts of his new target he was relieved, finally something to take his mind out of the craziness. He donned the hood, did what he always does, focused on getting the job done, and made his way back to the lair when the guy was tied to a street pole, waiting for the cops to come get him. Oliver was exhausted when he arrived, he told Digg to go home, reminding him to take some of the cure before he left.

So, somewhere deep inside he was still considering the possibility, he realized.

'Go to sleep, Oliver, one day at a time' he thought, and followed his own advice, collapsing at the cot, trying to empty his mind as he stared at the ceiling until sleep dragged him away.

He woke up with a start again, this time she was drowning, like he thought Sara had, twice, how the hell was he supposed to make through this if his brain would keep feeding him images of all the ways she could die even if she was living a normal life away from him? Hadn't he seen enough people die? He couldn't deal with this anymore, he needed rest, he needed peace. He was standing on the edge and he just wanted to take another step.

Somewhere inside him the decision had already been made. He was going to do it, it was crazy and irresponsible and he didn't care anymore, he needed it more than he was able to fight it. The only thing left to do was take the measures to stop himself from becoming a danger to everyone else. Slade had snapped when he learned about Shado's death, and Roy after Thea broke up with him, so he would have his sanity at least for some time after the mirakuru kicked in, and he would try to get through to himself.

He spent the next hour setting things up, he changed the code to the foundry door, programmed his phone to send Diggle two messages (not sure how he even remembered how to do that), one in the morning telling him not to come the next few days because he wanted to be alone, and the other in three days, telling him everything and the new code to the foundry, so he could use the cure on him.

The last thing he did was record a video to watch when he woke up. He adjusted the monitor to face the salmon ladder, took a remote control Felicity had got for them and set it on the ground before sitting with his back to the ladder's foot, chaining his legs together and his torso to the metal bar leaving only enough room to use his right hand to inject his left arm.

He paused before pushing the liquid inside. This was downright crazy, how was he even considering it? And then some other part of him said it was just three days, then it would be over, Roy had weeks before he snapped, and that was even before he got help. Three more days with her, to then endure the rest of his life without her. That wasn't too much to ask, he thought, and pressed the syringe.

He woke up feeling like he had run a marathon, every single muscle was on fire. His vision was blurry. It took him a few minutes to be able to focus, his sight was reddened. He couldn't move when he tried, and then he saw the chains, only his right forearm was free, and there was a remote on the ground next to his hand. He tried to remember what had happened but his mind was foggy. He was tied up in his own foundry, that didn't make any sense. He looked around. One of the monitors was facing him, a post it attached to the bottom of it.

'PLAY ME' it said. It was his own handwriting.

He reached the remote and pressed the button. His face showed on the screen.

"Hi Oliver, if you're watching this it means you went on and indulged in the stupidest idea you ever had. Congratulations, you are an idiot," that sounded like him, but he still didn't get what he was talking about.

"I don't know how much you remember from what happened before you passed out, so I'm going to tell you," the video version of him continued, "I need you to stay calm when I tell you this, and whatever you do, do not try to break the chains, and do not leave the foundry" he sighed in the video. This was making no sense.

"Oliver, you injected yourself with mirakuru last night, try to remember that," something clicked inside his head, right, he remembered thinking about doing that, but not actually doing it.

"You broke into Star Labs and stole the last sample to use on yourself, you were trying to make something happen, can you remember what that was?" Felicity, he remembered why he wanted the mirakuru.

"Is she there with you?" the voice cracked in the end and he looked at his own eyes, for the first time seeing how lost he looked. He looked around, no sign of her, maybe it just didn't work.

"You have three days, then it'll be over, you have to accept that, it's more than I have right now, it's more than you had yesterday," he saw himself swallow.

"If you succeed in seeing her, remember how Slade saw Shado, he saw some twisted version of her that compelled him to do bad things, if you see Felicity, remember how she is, don't let your mind trick you into making her different, remember that you are the reason she went away, that you had to keep her safe, because you love her, and remember why you love her, and use that to control yourself. Remember how she is, annoyingly stubborn, bossy, always ready to tell you when you're wrong," he paused to smile on the video.

"Remember how happy she makes you, how fast she talks, how caring and smart she is, how she always puts everyone else before her, the way she dances in her chair when she thinks nobody is watching, please Oliver, remember the sweet, loving woman that you love, because that's who she is, don't let the mirakuru tell you differently. Watch this again and again until you remember it, please," the last words were followed by a watery smile, and then the video went black. He remembered all those things, even though he didn't remember saying them to the camera. He was about to play the video again when he heard it.

"Oliver!" it was her voice, his heart jumped in his chest, and he closed his eyes firmly shut, there was nothing he would like more than to see her right now, but he knew one look at her and he could be lost. He hit play on the video so he would hear it all again when he opened his eyes.

"Oliver," she was kneeling next to him, as beautiful as he could remember, hair in its usual ponytail, she was looking at him through her glasses and his own voice got lost in the background as he looked into her eyes.

Man, that was a big one, sorry about that, and the angst, I just had to get through all that to make it to the juicy stuff.
This could easily have a couple more chapters, seeing as I've already written more and I have a thousand ideas for how this could go.
What did you think of this crazy idea of mine?

Pleeeease let me know?

Seriously, though, I could really use the feedback.

Find me on tumblr if you'd rather talk there: amandaecs . tumblr .com