Title: The Harley's Joker

Rated: PG13

Summary: When an odd circumstance happens, Joker is cursed with an unusual feeling for himself- love for his sidekick. Now feeling the depth of emotion that Harley feels for him, the Harlequin has to deal with the whacked out, psychotic, murderous clown whose heart beats only for her.

A/N: So AU. So out of character. This is meant to be a whacked out story, just... roll with it. It's gonna be short, but fun! (And yay for my first Batman fic!)

CHAPTER ONE: One Bad Day...

"I... don't have many friends." The psychiatrist admitted, looking embarrased by the truth.

"Well, Harleen. You do now." The patient leaned forward and gently cupped her chin. It forced her to look up. "Stick with me, kiddo. I can show you a good time!"

The man laughed, a booming sort of laugh that came straight from the gut. For one brief second, Harleen Quinzel thought that all of this was wrong. She knew he was a madman, a murderer, a mastermind. But his smile was all teeth and charm, and before she knew it, she was laughing along with him.

()()()()()()()()()()()

"HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO EXPLAIN THIS TO YOU?!" The Joker bellowed, advancing on Harley. "IF YOU HAVE TO EXPLAIN THE JOKE, THERE IS NO JOKE! IT DIDN'T WORK!" His hand flew and she felt the familiar burn on her cheek.

She fell to her knees. "I'm sorry, Puddin'."

"DON'T. Call me puddin'. I am NOT a dessert!" His gloved hands were clenched into tight fists, and Harley knew that if she didn't diffuse him soon, she was in for a world of hurt.

"I'm sorry, Boss." Harley shakingly stood back up. "I am an idiot. I didn't think my plan through." Even though she had. She had Robin tied in a corner, she had the syringe full of poison in her hand. One more second and the Bird Boy would have been dead. Surely, a blow to the Batman.

And then her lover had come at her in a rage, exclaiming that the plan was not meant to go that way. To forget the boy, to let him hurt Batman. Harley tried to joke her way out of it... but she was no good at comedy, it seemed.

At the resigned sound in her voice, the Joker grinned. "Oh Harl, I know you are just trying to help."

Harley looked up, surprised at his sudden acceptance of her apology.

"Just keep you big fat nose OUT of my affairs next time!" He yelled, before turning away and storming out of the warehouse.

"I'm sorry, Boss." Harley sighed. "Sorry I didn't realize how useless I am here..."

()()()()()()()()()()

The sun was shining. The birds were singing. But of course the Joker didn't know any of that, for he was locked away in a padded cell. It was beginning to get boring, honestly. He could get out of here at any time.

But then again, it was a sight to see a beautiful blonde slink into the hallway with a can of laughing gas and a bomb, ready to bust him out. He cackled when Harley provocatively leaned against the corner of the broken cell door, motioning for him to come with a crook of her finger.

"Thanks for the fun, puddin'. I figured after two weeks in here you wanted me to spring ya." She smiled, he smiled, and he walked right to her.

"Pumpkin, you are truly something else." He took the knife she had hidden on her body, and accepted the gun that was offered. "C'mere."

He grabbed her roughly by the waist and brought her in for a kiss. A short time later, they had shot their way out of the prison.

()()()()()()()()()()()()()

The piece of cardboard flew and hit him in the back of the head. He grimaced, turned around and stuck his tongue out at the girl.

"Didn't hurt that much."

"Nah." The blonde reached behind her and grabbed a baseball bat. "But this will."

The Joker gulped and took a step back. "Now, now, Sweet. I didn't actually mean it."

"You didn't introduce me as your girl!" Harley swung the bat, missing the Joker. The bells on her headpiece jangled angrily with every step she took. "Is it so bad to be with me?"

"Not at all!" The Joker was backed up against the wall- a place where he knew he was in trouble. "It's just that I didn't want ol' Russo to get jealous!"

There was a beat.

"Jealous?"

The Joker sighed inwardly with relief. "That's right! Jealous! Why, he is suppose to be funding this project of mi- ours. This project of ours! He is suppose to feel like the big man." Carefully, the clown took a step towards his girlfriend. "It would look bad to him if I had the beautiful girl on my arm, and he had his empty."

The baseball bat went down to the floor, and the Joker smiled. No black eyes tonight for him! There was a wide smile on Harley's face, and he opened his arms.

"Oh, Mister J!" She fell into his embrace. "I didn't think of that!"

The evil clown took a deep breath. "Neither did I at first." He muttered to himself, allowing the girl to cuddle into his neck.

()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()

"Mister J, ya need to eat. A healthy balanced meal is good for the body!"

"Go away."

But the woman was persistent. "Just ten minutes. Come and eat dinner with me for ten minutes, then go back to work!"

There was silence as Joker reviewed his blueprints. He didn't know if the annoying pest was still behind him; niether did he really care.

"We could eat in here. You can scoot over and we can have dinner on your desk!" Harley suggested, holding the plate of sandwiches in her hands.

"I'm busy."

He heard a sigh. But if he were to move this number here, maybe tighten this wire here to support the considerable weight of the Batman... it could work. It could happen! He could broadcast the execution live, for all the little boys and girls of Gotham City to see. It was brilliant! His best idea ever! The one to get rid of the-

There was a little clunk on the table next to him, then footsteps quietly walking away. Joker looked up to see a small plate holding a sandwich and some salad, with a note attached.

Enjoy yourself, mastermind. Make sure you eat. -H

He wasn't going to eat it. She was a lousy cook. It would certainly poison him, or make it seem like he appreciated what she was doing for him. Then his stomach gurgled, desperate for the sandwich in front of him, and he reached out and grabbed it. Despite the internal screaming not to do so, he gave a small smile as he bit into the food.

()()()()()()()()

Presently, things were bad. Normally things weren't a bed of roses, but at least Harley could have handled the down parts of their relationship. The ups more than made up for it. The ups included times when he would willingly hold her hand. When he would slip into the bed with her and allow her to love him. There were even times when he would randomly walk by her, stop, and kiss her on the cheek. For no reason at all.

But things were not good right now.

The Joker was in a foul mood. Not even exploding the orphanage helped. Harley tried and tried to cheer him up, but nothing was reaching him.

The Batman was dead. Or maybe not dead. In any case, at the moment, he was gone- and he had been gone for months now. And over the last few months, there was no hand holding. No love making. Nothing at all but silence, grumbles, and being ignored by the man she loved.

Harley did not understand, honestly. Logic ruled this in her brain: The Joker wanted the Batman gone. The Batman was gone. He should be ecstatic, really, that things worked out the way they did.

Yet her Mister J was not happy. Instead, he cursed himself for finally, maybe, getting rid of the bat. He wanted to be the one to do it, and now he had done it.

Harley suggested that killing another hero might make him feel better. Joker just looked at her, sighed and pushed her away.

Things were so bad.

She even stayed at her friend's place for awhile, enjoying the break from the grump. Her and Pammy were great friends, and the red headed beauty made her laugh. But then she came back home to her man- her depressed, murderous, angry man.

Then he said it. The thing she dreaded.

"Harley, leave me alone. I never loved you. This is your one chance to leave with your life intact."

The truth.

And it hurt.

Like a bitch.

"One day, Mister J, you are going to feel exactly the way I feel about you! Then you won't be so mean!" She slammed the door shut, wiped tears away from her eyes, and walked over to Ivy's.

Meanwhile, the Joker sat back in his comfortable chair, and sighed deeply. Batman was gone. He had nothing to do, nothing to live for. And that girl was not helping him in the least. He was glad she was gone, to leave him alone in the quiet.

Then the horrendous crash happened, lighting up the room.