Sawdust in his Shoes

Chapter 1 - Clint likes Doritos. So do ostriches. These things are related.

Clint leaned forward in the chair, staring off into the corner of the room, a slight grin on his face.

"So, this one time, when I was new at the circus and too scrawny to do much, I was helpin' Mike set up a mobile fence for the ostriches, and these two pieces of fencin' had been tied together with baling twine. The knot was all fucked up and it wouldn't come loose, so I wanted the screwdriver to work at the knot. Mike threw it and I missed the catch and the screwdriver hit me right in the finger, still got the scar, see?" He held the hand out for inspection. "So I start swearin' and Mike comes over and wants to look at where I'm bleeding. I tell him off because seriously, I'm seeing bone! So he cuts the twine, sticks the screwdriver into the place where we were supposed to put the pin, and drags me off to go see Pat, who was kinda our nurse. She stitches me up and everything's fine, right?"

"Only what we both forgot was that the screwdriver handle was red. Now I'm guessin' at some of this, but I know some birds like chickens and I guess ostriches really like red. So the ostriches are peckin' at this damn screwdriver, and they manage to pull it out, so that fence panel falls over. So Mike and I are heading back and we hear some screams but we just look at each other and shrug because we've got shit to do, and for once we're being responsible."

"We get to the pen, we see the fallen panels and no fuckin' ostriches. We both start running towards where we heard the screaming and sure as shit, there's ostriches wandering around the midway. And of course there's people chasin' them, which is going about as well as you'd expect. Ostriches are running and crashin' into people. Half of the kids are screamin' because they're scared, and the other half think this is the best thing ever. Parents are pushin' strollers like they're in the Daytona 500, chicks are hidin' behind their dudes and there's some dudes hidin' behind their chicks. I saw one woman push three kids and a guy behind her and then she stood her ground, poppin' an umbrella in one ostrich's face. It stops in its tracks, spins and starts headin' the other way. There's popcorn flyin' everywhere, half the stuffed animals from one of the games are on the ground because some dude is tryin' to climb the walls, there's powdered sugar on everything."

"Obviously chasin' them wasn't gonna work, so I started thinking about catching chickens when was I still living at the Wilkerson's. You chase chickens, they're gonna run and fly until they squeeze into some spot you can't get to. But if you sit still and give them food, they'll eventually walk right up to you. So I run up to Carson, who says hello to me the way he usually did." Clint puffs his chest out and raises the pitch of his voice just a bit, "Pigeon, care to explain any of this to me?"

"So I say to him 'It's just like chickens, boss. We gotta stop chasin' them and let them calm down, then give them some food and they'll walk right in that pen." He looks at me for this really long minute, then he grabs his bull horn and yells into it 'EVERYONE STOP MOVING NOW!' Now you gotta know, this guy was the ringmaster. He had that Voice that made everyone listen and damned if they didn't stop runnin', for the most part. Then he says, calmly 'I need guests to move into the big tent. Employees, form a line around the south end of the games and food.' It took a bit, but everyone did what he said. Meanwhile, I'm runnin' to one of the food trailers that sells stuff, and I'm grabbing every bag of Dorito's I can find."

"Why Doritos? I don't know, everyone likes Doritos, right? I like 'em. Horses like 'em. The giraffe liked 'em. It's the one thing we always sold out of. So we always bought extra and this time we had a ton of them layin' around. So I pour out a few piles of Doritos in the place we've sort of staked out as the ostrich containment zone, and then we sit tight."

"We wait for half an hour and the ostriches stop runnin' around and start eatin' the Doritos and drinkin' from the duck race troughs. I get in place and Carson tells everyone 'Walk in a fence like fashion.' So we've got all the roustabouts, the carnies, the food sellers and the performers, walkin' along. Half the performers are in their practice clothes which were usually old performance costumes, so this is like some demented parade. Meanwhile, I'm in the front, layin' down Doritos. Sure enough, eventually the ostriches start peckin' at the Doritos. And things are goin' good, right? Because they're followin' me."

"Yeah, you guessed it. This is about the time they figure out that I've got the Doritos, and I'm a hell of a lot smaller than they are. So this big male spreads his wings out, HONKS at me, I swear to you, and he comes right at me. I turn and run as fast as I can, but they're still comin'. So I'm runnin', and screamin' at Mike 'Get the gate!' I look back, and I got the entire crew chasin' after these damn birds, only there's no way they're close enough to help me, right?"

"About that time, the ostriches catch up with me, and they're peckin' me all to hell and back. Those beaks are big, and even bigger when you're small, you know? I dump the chips out on the ground, but it's like these things have smelled blood and now they ain't gonna stop until they get some."

"So I get this crazy idea. I grab some stupid toy off of a souvenir cart, something with a pole and this little bird thing that's supposed to look like it's flying at the end of the pole. I stick the bright red Dorito bag over the end of the pole. I put one foot on this little tiny ledge at the bottom of the cart, and I push off, and jump onto the back of one of the males. He starts spinning around, trying to get to me, and I wave the Dorito bag on the pole in his face."

"Damned if he doesn't stop goin' after me, and start goin' after the bag. So now he's runnin' as fast as he can, tryin' to get the bag that I'm holdin' out in front of him. I look back, and I got the whole flock followin' me. I'm like the freakin' Pied Piper of ostriches. I can kind of get the one I'm ridin' to turn left, 'cause that's the hand I'm holdin' it in, but if I try to move it to the right, it just sort of pushes him in the face and he gets mad at me and starts honkin' again."

"So I'm leadin' him through the whole grounds, only makin' left turns, with the flock followin' me. Anytime I have to make a big left circle to end up going right, the rest of the flock catches up and starts peckin' at the Dorito bag. So I'm tryin' to steer my ostrich, and at the same time it's the weirdest imitation of jousting that you've ever seen."

"Well it seemed like forever, but it was probably only five minutes or so, before I finally manage to get into the ostrich pen. Then I have to keep my bird runnin' around in a circle while the rest of the birds kind of trickle in to the pen. We finally get them all in, and shut the gate and get the fallen fence piece in and secured. And everyone starts cheerin' and shit, but here I am still stuck on the ostrich. So I finally just throw the pole as far away from me as I can, and jump and roll right out underneath the fence."

"So that's what I think about every time I eat Doritos. How much ostriches like them, and how I managed to get hen pecked and be a sort of celebrity in the circus at the same time."

As Clint's voice, rough from hours of stories, fell silent, he could once again hear the nurses' quiet conversation at the desk.

He leaned forward, just enough to rest his forehead against her shoulder, as the ventilator became the loudest sound in the room once again.