Written for cimberelly , with whom I shared the enormously crack-filled idea of Aomine with a pretty boy harem, and she shared with me the idea of total-drama-couple!AoKise. This is the result of said idea.

ACT ONE – The Before Period (or, Aomine and Kise are annoying because they are obvious and yet still cannot get their shit together)

The first thing Taiga learns about Kuroko's shitty-ass friends after the Winter Cup when they've all (metaphorically) kissed and made up, is that there is in fact way too much romantic drama going on, considering none of them are actually romantically involved with each other. Or anyone, for that matter. The lot of them are resolutely single.

Not that Taiga can talk, of course.

With the tournament season over for the year, the local weirdos had decided that for fun, they should meet up to play street ball on the weekends. Not everyone could come every weekend, of course – Kise worked, Aomine often overslept, and Midorima would only come if he felt that he was adequately ahead on his classwork – but usually, on Saturday afternoons, Taiga could count on finding a decent game with at least one of them.

And so it was one afternoon, that Taiga wandered over to the court they'd all decided was mutually between all the Tokyo schools (Kise had complained that it wasn't fair that they didn't pick somewhere between Kanagawa and Tokyo, but the rest of them had outnumbered and overruled him), that he found Kise and Aomine racing up and down the half-court with their usual intensity.

It wasn't uncommon for Taiga to sit out and watch if there were an odd number of people there. If they had four, they'd go for two-on-two, and when Midorima came, he always brought Takao, so if they managed to wrangle all of them there, they'd go three-on-three. Those were the best afternoons, in Taiga's opinion. But if they only had three, or five, or four but the fourth was Kuroko and he needed a rest, someone would sit out.

So it wasn't the first time since their Inter High match that he'd watched Kise and Aomine go head to head with each other. There was always an odd intensity to their one-on-one games that Taiga sometimes felt as if he was intruding upon. It was a different kind of intense to the way Aomine was when he squared off against Taiga or Midorima one-on-one. There was weirdness to it that Taiga couldn't quite name.

"Aomine-kun and Kise-kun are spirited today."

Taiga jolted, and looked toward the voice that had seemed to come from nowhere. Kuroko was standing next to him, blank-faced and watching Kise and Aomine.

Taiga grunted and turned back to watch them. "There's something weird about the way they play together," he said.

"It's the sexual tension," Kuroko said, and the bastard didn't even bat an eye as he said it.

"What."

Kuroko looked up at him. "Kise-kun and Aomine-kun have been dancing around their feelings of mutual attraction for years. Playing one-on-ones have always been how they dealt with the sexual tension." He turned back to look at them. "I do wish they'd sort it out before they make a mess of their relationship, though."

"Kagamicchi!" Golden and sparkling, Kise bounded off the court, leaving Aomine to scowl after him, ball in hand. "You're here!"

"Yeah, hi," Taiga said, taking the opportunity to wander in and drop his bag with theirs on the bench.

"Hello, Kise-kun," Kuroko greeted him. Kise grinned excitedly.

"Kurokocchi! We're definitely going to team up today, right?"

Taiga looked at Aomine. He looked really annoyed, glaring at Kise and Kuroko.

"I had planned to play with Kagami-kun," Kuroko said, as he always did, and pushed past Kise to put his things down on the bench too. "Hello, Aomine-kun."

"Yo, Tetsu."

Kise bounced his way back onto the court. "I hope Midorimacchi and Takao-kun come today as well!" he cheered. "It's been ages since all of us were here!"

Taiga had to agree – Kise had been working a lot (which, actually, now that he thought about things in relation to what Kuroko had just told him, explained a lot about how pissy Aomine had been lately), and Midorima had been adamant that he could not take any time off from studying for his exams. Aomine had been here, of course, though he'd been later and surlier than usual.

"Are we going to talk, or are we going to play," Aomine whined as he spun the ball on one of his fingers. "I don't come here to talk to you idiots."

"Mean," Kise sighed, but he trotted to stand at Aomine's side anyway. "You're almost as much of a tsundere as Midorimacchi sometimes, Aominecchi."

They played two rounds before Midorima showed up in his ridiculous contraption with Takao riding the bike, and they fell into the usual bickering over three-on-three teams easily. Kise always wanted to play with Kuroko; Midorima got incredibly annoying when he got split up from Takao, and got pissy when paired with Kise; Taiga and Aomine both preferred not to be on the same team as each other; and Kuroko preferred to play with Taiga, although he was less fussy than the others for the most part. It always took them at least five minutes worth of arguing to settle on the same teams they usually used – Aomine, Midorima and Takao on one side, and Kise, Kagami and Kuroko on the other, though there had been that one time that Aomine, Kise and Kuroko had ended up on a team together.

(Taiga and Midorima had exchanged a look, which Taiga had taken as an un-worded pact never to let this happen again – Kuroko had looked incredibly annoyed with the way the two of them argued about his passes when he managed to get around Takao and in hindsight the game just hadn't been half as competitive as it probably should have been.)

When Kuroko called it quits, Taiga sat out with him. Kise and Aomine would trash Takao and Midorima soundly in a two-on-two, so they wouldn't play much longer either.

Taiga could probably play a few more, but as Midorima and Takao busied themselves getting ready to leave, Kuroko grabbed his arm, and he looked down.

"Aominecchi, one more!" he heard Kise say.

"Yeah, yeah," was the lazy response from Aomine. "Oi, Tetsu, Kagami, you going to Maji?"

"Probably," Taiga answered. "Why?"

"We'll go with you if you're okay to wait a few minutes," Aomine answered.

"A few minutes?" Kise protested. "I'm not that easy to beat, Aominecchi!"

Aomine rolled his eyes. "Come on pretty boy, or they'll go without us."

Now that Kuroko had exposed the apparently obvious secret that Kise and Aomine were both super into each other, somehow things between them all looked so... intimately casual, the way Aomine would sling an arm around Kise and toy with his hair and his earring while simultaneously saying that both such things were ridiculous, and the way he stood just that little bit closer to Kise than he stood with anyone else; and then there was the way Kise would huff and pout but never slap Aomine's hands away, and the way he never shoved him off as Aomine leaned on him, and let Aomine make plans for the both of them...

"Are they seriously not actually together?" Taiga asked Kuroko in a very quiet voice once the two of them started their game.

Kuroko just nodded, looking pained.

They didn't always go off for food after their games as a group, though Taiga knew Kuroko really enjoyed it when they did. They watched Aomine and Kise face off in yet another sexual-tension-charged one-on-one game, in which Taiga was fairly certain there was far more contact than there should have been considering basketball was a non-contact sport, and then had to be spectators for a very intense stare-off in which both of them looked away simultaneously (blushing, fuck how had Taiga never noticed this before?) and headed towards their bags, and Taiga and Kuroko.

As they walk through the park to where they know the nearest Maji is, they split into their natural pairs – Kuroko is quick to take a few steps ahead and walks resolutely without looking back at Aomine and Kise, who are shoving at each other and laughing as they go careening towards fences, poles, trees and bushes.

God, this was the most platonic foreplay Taiga had ever had the discomfort of witnessing.

When they'd ordered and gotten their food, Taiga found himself sitting next to Aomine and across from Kuroko. Having Aomine across from Kise was really annoying – Aomine would steal things to flick at Kise, who would retaliate by stealing things (slightly more successfully as it was harder to defend his food from the other side of the table) and throwing them back at Aomine, and Taiga was ninety percent sure they were kicking at each others' feet under the table.

"I'm still hungry," Taiga muttered at Kuroko as the four of them wandered out. "They kept stealing my food."

"Are you going to cook, Kagami-kun?" Kuroko asked.

"Probably. You didn't eat anything back there; did you want to come over for dinner?"

"If it wouldn't be too much trouble..."

Behind them, Aomine and Kise were listening in.

"Bakagami cooks?" Aomine asked.

"Kagamicchi is so talented!" Kise gushed. Kagami resisted the urge to sigh as Aomine's face darkened.

"Kagami-kun is an excellent cook," Kuroko informed them.

Kagami felt it was prudent to add something to that. "You aren't invited," he growled. "Go home!"

Kise's best puppy-dog imitation made an appearance, and... well, Aomine was probably trying for something like that, but it wasn't very convincing.

"No, I am not feeding you after you both stole my food. I refuse."

"I don't believe you can cook," Aomine challenged. For once, Taiga repressed his pride and desire to prove the idiot wrong.

"That's just fine with me," he answered.

"Come on, Aominecchi," Kise said, sighing. "But next week Kagamicchi should bring lunch for us all!"

Taiga's about to say fuck no, when Kuroko answered for him. "Kagami-kun will bring some food. Goodnight, Aomine-kun, Kise-kun."

"Kurokocchi," Kise wailed, "I'm going to miss you."

Taiga got one last look at Aomine's annoyed-jealous face before turning around and grabbing Kuroko's head as they walked.

"Why did you volunteer me to cook, you bastard?"

Kuroko looked up at him, and Taiga knew he was evil, but those eyes look so pure, and so he had nothing to say in response when Kuroko said, "I like Kagami-kun's food," a tiny smile turning at the corners of his mouth.

So it was that next week, after enlisting Kuroko's help to carry the food because it's all his goddamn fault that he had to cook, that Taiga turned up at their basketball court. They're the first ones to arrive this week, so Taiga played a for-fun game against Kuroko. Playing with Kuroko isn't really any kind of challenge for Taiga, but that's never the point when the two of them play. They play together just to enjoy the sport they both love together, rather than compete. Taiga wouldn't call it necessarily a bonding thing, but it was always a good feeling to share basketball with Kuroko, who loved it as deeply and wholly and intensely as anyone he'd ever known.

"Eh, Kagamicchi and Kurokocchi are playing against each other?" Kise asked as he entered. "That's unusual."

Kuroko was more out of breath than Taiga – oops. Taiga never meant to get carried away, but the two of them always, inevitably did. "It's not that unusual," Kuroko informed his friend. "Kagami-kun and I play like this all the time. It's just more fun to play with Kagami-kun against you than play with you against Kagami-kun."

Kise's hand came up to clutch at his chest – Taiga's pretty sure that isn't where the heart is, but it's probably the kind of thing Kise is going for. "Kurokocchi!" Kise wailed, sounding distressed. "You're breaking my heart!"

Taiga felt an overwhelming urge to hit Kise – that seemed to be a very popular feeling, though, because from the corner of his eye, he saw a ball, and he doesn't bother to warn him; it smacked straight into the back of Kise's head with a very satisfying thud.

Aomine caught his thrown ball. "I heard an idiot," is all the explanation he offers. "Yo."

"Aominecchi," Kise whined pitifully, clutching at the back of his head. "When will you stop throwing basketballs at me?"

Aomine shrugged, as if supremely unconcerned, but Taiga knew that look, and he kind of can't believe the fact that Aomine is pretty much a five year old tugging on his crush's pig-tails.

Except that he can because Aomine's an idiot.

"Your heart isn't there, Kise-kun," Kuroko added, perfectly unconcerned by Kise's antics. "I need to take a break for a moment; you should decide who's going one on one."

"Your stamina is still terrible, Tetsu," Aomine commented, shaking out his arms. "Come on, Kagami, you're all warmed up, I wanna go before you get tired out and boring."

"I do not get tired out and boring, you asshole!" Still, Taiga found himself responding to the challenge by throwing his ball at Kuroko to put away, since Aomine didn't seem to have any plans to put his down.

Kise is only willing to watch for so long before demanding a turn to play – Taiga tried not to let on that he was grateful for the chance for recovery as he wandered off the court towards his bag. He also tried to ignore Aomine and Kise, and settled next to Kuroko on the bench.

"How are you holding up?"

"I'll be ready to go in a moment. Midorima-kun has sent me a message saying he and Takao-kun will arrive in a little while, so I'll wait until they do to start playing."

Taiga nodded and leaned back against his hands. "Hey, is there some kind of betting pool going on about that?" He jerked his head towards Aomine and Kise.

Kuroko huffed a little; the little way he laughed was always exciting to get out of him, since he attempted to be stoic more often than not, and Taiga grinned, feeling somewhat triumphant.

"We decided it wouldn't be fair, mostly because Momoi-san and Akashi-kun have an unfair advantage," Kuroko said. "But that was before... they'd still have an unfair advantage now, though. I don't think it'll be too much longer now, anyway."

Taiga looked over at Aomine and Kise again – they're playing at much closer quarters than is probably strictly necessary.

"They're always so unnecessary," is Midorima's first comment. He looked as if he was tired out just watching them.

"Hello, Midorima-kun," Kuroko greeted him. Taiga just nodded in his direction.

Aomine saw the gathering of people on the sidelines and disengaged from the close-quarters play, haphazardly throwing the ball at the net. Kise looked at it as if it had personally offended him by going in.

"You're last again, Midorima," Aomine called.

"You're simply early." He went to place his bag down, and Aomine and Kise came over for the usual bickering about teams (Taiga will never be sure why they have to do this every week, but he still gets sucked into the argument, so...).

They break around lunchtime, and Taiga's kind of embarrassed now, as they wander towards their bags.

"This is all your fault," he growled at Kuroko, "so you can give it to them." He grabbed his own food and starts attacking it in the hopes that he can avoid catching anyone's eye and be left alone.

He heard Aomine and Kise thank Kuroko, though Kuroko probably gave them an unimpressed look when he said, "You should be thanking Kagami-kun," even as Takao and Midorima are properly saying their thanks because they're less enormous assholes than Taiga really gives them credit for.

"They don't have to," Taiga muttered. "As long as I never have to cook for them again."

Then Aomine made a really gross noise. "That is not happening," he announced loudly around the food in his mouth. "This is amazing. Hey, do you take requests?"

"No, I don't," Taiga snapped. "Just shut up and eat and don't make gross noises."

"I'm not making gross noises," Aomine argued.

"Don't speak with your mouth full," Midorima warned him. "It's disgusting."

Aomine turned to him and started pulling open-mouth faces with chewed up food, and it is gross but it still made Taiga want to laugh – thankfully, his attention was pulled in by Kise, who's sparkling at him, before he actually does.

"Kagamicchi, you're so talented," he said excitedly. "Thank you for sharing with us!"

Taiga found himself going pink, feeling embarrassed by the eager praise coming from Kise, who still, sometimes, caught him off guard with that face, which was rather too pretty to belong to a boy. "It's fine, whatever, just eat."

"Kagami, I can't believe you've been holding back on me," Aomine whined. "We've been buying food after these things all this time when you could have been making us food."

"I am not feeding you every weekend," Taiga declared loudly, "so stop that thought right there."

Aomine and Kise looked like they were about to try a joint attack on his line in the sand, but Kuroko beat them. "I will endeavour to convince Kagami-kun to cook for us again. In the meantime, finish eating. We'll have to wait until the food settles to play again."

This brought both Aomine and Kise to heel, and they returned to their food. Taiga breathed a sigh of relief.

Aomine finished eating first, and probably in hindsight, Taiga realised he should have known that Aomine's appetite would be above average much like his own (no matter how many times he tries to argue that he and that guy are not similar, it's all pretty much token these days; they're pretty damn similar, he just doesn't want to admit it). As it was, Aomine started attempting to steal food from Kise, which brought about noisy protests, and Taiga wondered when Aomine would realise that Kise needed a proper, adult-style sign of interest, rather than these juvenile offerings of affection.

It was tiring to watch. Taiga's not sure how Kuroko and Midorima have made it this long without locking them in some kind of enclosed space until they finally sort their shit out. He's sick of it and it's only been two weeks.

Kise and Aomine jostle and roughhouse with each other as they wait for the food to settle, and Midorima and Takao seem perfectly at ease to converse with each other quietly, so Taiga turned to Kuroko.

"I'm not cooking for them again," he said, but he said it quietly so they don't hear and start pestering him again.

Kuroko tilted his head a little. "We'll see," is his response.

When they're finally all ready to play again, they split easily into their teams – Kuroko played fewer games than Taiga would expect, but Takao opted to sit out instead of one of the others, so Taiga keeps playing. He tried not to get distracted, but almost habitually, he knew his gaze fell towards Kuroko on occasion; when he paired with Kise, he didn't notice when it happened, but Midorima scolded him, which was annoying, because he's pretty sure he'd seen him sneak glances at Takao when they're teammates.

Midorima called it quits after a match when he's paired with Aomine, and Kise pounced on the opportunity for another one-on-one game; Taiga got off the court shaking his head. Why couldn't they just kiss or something and get it over with?

"I'm not hanging around for them this time," Taiga told Kuroko as he pulled his water bottle and a towel from his bag. "I'm hungry again, and they annoy the shit out of me."

Kuroko nodded, smiling a little. "Alright." His things were already packed up; he'd gathered the food containers too and neatly put them away in Taiga's bag. Taiga would say it was nice of him, but it was Kuroko's fault the containers were here in the first place, so it was only right that he had taken charge of ensuring they returned to Taiga's home.

"We're going ahead," Kuroko told Aomine and Kise, who didn't seem to register that they're being spoken to; they're so wrapped up in each other.

God, they just need to get together already; Taiga doesn't want to see them start spontaneously making out on the basketball court one day and scar him for life. Taiga's almost relieved to be heading off.

"You want a shake?" Taiga asked Kuroko, who shared a small smile with him.

"I would like that."

Taiga heard a very loud shriek that sounded like it originated from Kise behind them.

"Don't look back," Kuroko advised him. "Kise-kun is either pants-less or has been kissed. Either way you probably don't want to see it."

Taiga laughed, and took that advice.

"It's rare for Aomine not to turn up," Taiga commented next week. Midorima had made an appearance with Takao for a few games, but overall it had just ended up being mostly just him and Kuroko. "I mean, be late, yeah, but not turn up at all?"

Kuroko turned a mildly disbelieving look at him, and Taiga frowned.

"What?"

"Kagami-kun is an idiot," is his only response. "You should buy my vanilla shake to make it up to me."

Taiga grumbled but he did it anyway.